No I'm not pregnant, kid

No, I'm not pregnant, kid.

I'm fat. Obese. Overweight. Lard ass.

It happens easier when you're older.

One pound of food suddenly makes 2 pounds of fat.

So don't be smug, youth wad

You might not even live to struggle with self

You're still fighting with your family and friends

One day you're make the big leagues

Struggling with yourself, with greed, and fear.

I was once slim and athletic too

Not this whale that waddles and drags butt

This monstrosity of gluttony and sloth

My heart is beating for two

And still I eat

The exercise I did hurts because the weight I carry is too great

And I'm long past wanting to swim where the shame is worse

But maybe I'll join aquafit

A fatty told me they all go there.

I'd go to the gym but they're mean there.

Fast moving and young

I need a place where only the old and lame are allowed

Where there's a target range coupled with a track

I need someone to shoot live rounds at my feet

Maybe pay some young slim shit, like you,  to chase me with a whip

Unitl I get up and stomp them

Losing politicians should be let lose there

And I should be able to run one down and tear them limb from limb

It's a crock that fat people are happy

We're angry and they should send fat people overseas to fight wars

Who cares if one more of us expandable waist pants bites the bullet

We've been biting all the chocolate and puff tarts for years

No thank you, I won't have a second plate.

I'm tired of carrying myself around as it is.

Burn the couch and machete the desk.

Get rid of chairs.  Make us all sit cross legged on the floor

And exercise ourselves getting up and down.

Destroy elevators and escalators.

It all begins with bicycles.  Kill bicycles  then car

Destroy cities and shopping malls.

Hunter gathers were slim.

Lets all go back to labouring without oil or solar panels.

Right,

Pass me those crackers, would you.  .

Pass me a pillow, too

We complain of poverty

But so enjoy our gluttony and sloth

No pain, no gain.

Give me another pillow

Pass that channel changer

Do it quitckly before I get off this couch

And fall on you.

Young people, slim people, atheletic people, humbug

I gave up smoking for this.