Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Snow again

Thank you for the snow. I know it’s good for the plants. Personally I’m done with snow and winter. Still I know that my negative attitude does nothing to the facts. I’m here . It’s snowing. It’s cold. I’m spending a whole lot on heating. I’m afraid to slip walking.  My friend died.  
I wonder about retirement. Everyday I ask myself what I’m doing working.  I ask what I’m doing in Vancouver or Canada.  I imagine driving south with my camper which isn’t repaired yet. I want more holidays camping. I’m always on the clock.  
An old parking ticket I don’t know if I deserve came today. I paid the rent. I’m not breaking even with repairs and dues and taxes. I can see in a couple of weeks I’ll be copacetic I hope but the inflation has taken out any fat. I’m lean and mean and not seeing myself ‘getting ahead’.  I’m working for the tax man and taxes are all we get in Canada.  No services and constant reports of more and more corruption. I feel I’m faced with paying Satan for his WEF Satanic rites.  I don’t think I minded paying taxes as much when they weren’t to roads and hospitals. Now it’s all just gab fests and ideology with no meritocracy or accountability.  32 Billion lost by one department and now another 30 plus billion missing from another department.  
I imagine having an open schedule and writing novels.  I want to write
Yet truthfully I have a good gig.  I worry the good is the enemy of the best.  The truth is I like service. I’m helping people and I’m getting by.  I’ve come along way. When I look back it’s a lot of mountains and lakes.  
I’m grateful.  An attitude of gratitude is what I need when the rot begins to get in my head. I’ve a problem with my ‘thinking’.  I don’t have a problem with drinking. My problem is thinking and I didn’t know that till I stopped drinking.  
I’m wondering about stoicism and sensuality.  Does God want me to reject the ‘world’ or enjoy the ‘world’ in moderation. What is moderation.  I’m eating a little to much. I masturbate weekly .  I watch too much tv.  A couple of hours or more a night. I ‘m reading beach novels.  When I finish work I watch tv or read schlock novels. Clearly I could be using the evening hours more fruitfully. I go to one meeting and do another virtual. I walk the dog each evening maybe a half hour.  Then I make dinner and eat it watching tv.  I’ve been getting to the pool for a half hour of swimming 2-3 times. I think of the girls going to the gym a couple of hours a day. There’s a lot to be said for a disciplined disability schedule.  The retired folk don’t seem to do much more than me. Person and home maintenance with a lot of visits to massage, physio, doctors appointments. I’m blessed with this fairly routine stable steady life and too perfectionistic.
I’m signed up for a couple of medical conferences and will be able to pay my taxes.  I’ve an hour or two of book keeping to do. I’ve a storage locker I need to reduce more. I’ve an issue with trading my RV in for a Bus or learning and gettting the license to haul this RV.  I could go to smaller size but don’t know that that would work as good as a second hand buss. I’ve some timeline factors.  
Another year here doing what I’m doing with another spring and summer camping weekends and next winter 2 - 3 months working in Mexico virtual.  
My mind runs these scenarios and asks what am I going to do.
I muddle along
Then it snows and I’m negative.  I don’t need to be. It’s a great day the Lord has made. I need to pray and meditated more and ask more what God’s will is.  I am so blessed to know God and can surrender to his care. 
Thank you Jesus.  

Saturday, January 28, 2023

Coastal Ford

I love FORD.  They changed my tires after I had a blow out in the fall and a group of Angel Samaritans from Langara helped me change the tire.  I’ve changed a few tires in my day but I’m getting old and I loved these young people helping out.
Coastal Ford didn’t get the spare back under my truck so I dropped by today for that event.  I had a chance to walk about and see some of the new line up. The Broncho and Broncho Sport are incredibly skookum.  The Broncho Sport is like the Broncho II I had 30 years ago. That was one of the greatest vehicles I ever had. I took it off-road in the mountains, everywhere and it just powered through.  I was using it for hunting but also needed it for commuting to work and parking underground. While the Broncho Sport is that vehicle and then some. The Broncho was the all time favourite hunting vehicle for decades so everyone is happy Ford has brought it back.  Great family vehicle, great for camping but also can go anywhere.
There was a Shelby there and that is one skookum vehicle.  What a beauty.  I loved the Mustang they had. I had a Mustang and drove that from Winnipeg to Banff for skiing and trips down to San Francisco to visit friends. A great city car that just loved the open road.  The Focus and Escape were there and I’ve rented these and sure enjoyed them.  I saw a Ranger in the parking lot and I loved my ranger.  A light truck for the city but it did everything I could want for camping.  So many off-road fishing trips with the Ranger. 
I liked they even had a tent attachment for the 4x4 car reminding me of the days I was tenting with my Ford’s before I moved to the Camper. I had an diesel F350 and camper set up and used it to haul my RV’s. That’s what I have today. The Ford F350 truck.  We call it the Cowboy Cadillac.

I love FORD.  I thought of getting a competitors’s truck when I bought the latest one a few years ago. I didn’t because the Coastal Ford Service Department has always been the best.  I’m taking my vehicles off grid and don’t want shoddy workmanship to add to the difficult terrains hundreds of miles from help that I drive in.  So Coastal Ford was where I bought my truck.  It’s competitor made a good machine but I didn’t know about the service department.  Service and warranty are critical.  Coastal Ford has been really good for a couple of decades now.  I’m very thankful.  

The spare wheel being put back up under my truck.

Coastal Ford and Starbucks, sitting outside with Madigan Jan .28, 2023

I am so pleased to be sitting outside in winter writing in my journal.  Journaling or blogging is one of my joys outdoors , coupled with coffee and people watching, along with my dog who likes this almost as much as I do.
Coastal Ford is my favourite dealer and service department. I actually bought my Ford F350 over the competitors because the Coastal Ford Service Department has been so excellent.  I’ve been buying vehicles from Coastal Ford now for a couple of decades and having my service done there.  
Now I’m just waiting for them to reseat my spare tire . I ‘d had the great incident hunting last fall where I got a flat and was on the side of the road working with the manual to get the spare off only to have a group of veritable angels from Langley stop, take over and complete the changing of the tire. I was so grateful and so impressed.  What would have taken me all afternoon to do if I could have solved a couple of problems (the tire stuck on the wheel and the guys knew to kick the shit out of it to free it up - I doubt I’d have known to do that or had as powerful a kick) .  So in probably less than an hour the group of them did the best Good Samaritan and the old guy continued on his way.  
A gorgeous woman walked by and smiled at me. She was young and so sexy in a mini skirt dress with talk black biker boots.  If I was younger I wouldn’t have had the smile.  Indeed it might well have been my gorgeous wing man dog, Madigan that elicited the smile.  But really, I’m glad I’m outside just to see that.  I’m near Simon Fraser so expect she’s one of the students or teachers. That’s how my mind works.  People walk by who are distinctive and I’ve got them as a character in a novel. I really need to get on to writing novels. That’s my goal
I just read Apollo Murders by Colonel Hatfield and almost gave up writing all together.  I could go back to journalism I suppose or poetry but the thoughts of a novel was stymied by the Ennius of Apollo Murders.  It was so good. I simply can’t imagine how I’ll ever write a novel.  Now I’ve had poetry books and a work related book but a novel. That’s the goal. I love the Tannis Laidlaw, English Mysteries. She used to make up plays for the neighbourhood kids. After a career of psychology and psychiatry in New Zealand she’s writing these fabulous mystery novels. Laura’s reading them.
I’m good at journaling.  I’ve learned the skill of free association of thought to written word. I didn’t know how to do that when I was a teen , not very well anyway. Now i’ts second nature.
But the crafting of a plot and development of characters and placing them in a contex.  That’s all a challenge for me.
Another distraction.  Another beautiful girl went into Starbucks. This one had thigh high white boots but what was so special was the beautiful blue, pink and cream jacket dress made of the material kimonos are made of. She had a faux fur jacket long black hair and the mysterious almost Egyptian features. Likely Iranian in this neighbourhood. We are truly blessed in Vancouver with the most beautiful of Iranian women which makes the troubles in that country so beautiful.  The young women are being shot in the streets, killed by the police for uncovering their faces.  So sad, the cowardice of the barbaric regime.  
I just responded to a FB meme in which a person compared the non threat of Drag Queen shows to the risk of being shot by a Christian.  I get weary of the LGBT left wing community with it’s ignorance of history. I posted that I hadn’t heard of any drag queen shows in Muslim countries or for that matter in aetheist Communist vcountries.  The Catholic Church celebrated women and family. The Muslims celebrate family.  Aetheists , communism is the religion of aetheism, is against family.  Marx and Engles saw the family as the greatest threat to their totalitarian state.
Meanwhile I’m only seeing the drag queen shows and the conflict as further evidence of the erosion of the parent versus the state. I remember my own family disheartened that for us to get an education we had to get the inferior propaganda serviced up as flavor of the month when I was a child and Cold War was on.  So here I am happy as an adult to werear a dress in public but feeling Parents Rights outweighs states rights in this regard.  I don’t have children.  
The Christian take home message is government and religion killed God or the perfect humble man.  What ever you think , the state falsely accused and persecuted and crucified a nice guy.  God’s son.  Sure but the message is ‘beware’ of the rulers of this world.
Meanwhile Trudeau is stealing billions and running all manner of propaganda lies.  Distractions with racism while his father was the one who hurt the aboriginals.  

Oh well above my pay grade.
It’s a glorious clear sky sunny day and I can sit outside and type with bare hands and happy dog who just visitted with a young woman who gave him an excuse to draw back and bark with wagging tail. He’s such a fool.  So brave and so skitterish.  I can’t wait till he gets groomed and then another thing is back on track. I’ve had a series of events occur since the water line froze and they’re slowly being resolved.  I know it’s progress but slow going.
I coined the term ‘kedging’ last year for this time of the year, likening the slow progress of Jan and Feb with all he bad weather and financial demands to trying to get my boat off a shoal stuck by falling tide.  I’m spiritually depleted at this time of the year.  Yet days like this alleviate. Another beautiful girl in high boots , red head with knee high kind. You
Meanwhile I’m wearing canoe shoes and long to go camping .  Any day I’ll learn my camper is ready.  Laura reminded me of the good times we have had in spring with the camper and I’m beginning to consider where best to go. I know the river camping spots but I so liked the lake places. Spring though I’m not swimming so it will be easy to find a place by a river. Our Similkameen camp spots by Princeton have always been so peaceful

I’m going to return and see if my truck is ready. What a wonderful break.

Thank you Jesus!

Gratitude and sunshine

I slept in till 830 am and realized I was tired. I’ve begun staying up till 12 or later reading.  I usually go to bed around 10 to 11 and asleep by 11 to 12 so my ‘need’ is probably 7-8 hours and I’ve been getting 6-7.  Sleep apnea may be kicking in.  Heats been going on and off.  It’s been winter blues for sure.
Yet here to day I’m so rested and thankful.  My toilet is fixed thanks to Kelvin at Travco and I even paid the bill though I’m on overdraft till this week’s cheque.  Catching up from being off at Christmas and all the horrendous dues and demands that always come in January and February.  I remember thinking that government was trying to kill us with all their demands in the worst time of the year. Every year I seem to be on an even keel again in February or March. I always think of the joy I had taking my Buell out to drive in the country first with Laura following March 1.  My birthday in March is almost always fine weather here.  
When I lived down town the crocus and daffodils were coming out end of January and Feb but here in Burnaby we’re a few weeks behind. The bird migrations are beginning.  I usually take my big camera on walks these days.
I let Madigan out to pee and made us egg thingies with the little machine Laura got me for coffee.  I turned on the coffee machine with the fireplace on and blew the circuit. The eggs went off off so not sure of the time I took them off a bit early because they were a bit runny but on the toast delicious.  Madigan cleaned the plate. I ‘d added some cheese wiz and cream to the bowl.  Likes eggs benny but better.  Egg prices have gone up but suddenly here I am enjoying them again.  I even boiled some last week to have boiled egg for breakfast.
I phoned George this morning to discuss a member who has cancer.  He was just making toast and peanut butter.  At that point I’d just had coffee so with the inspiration go up to make breakfast.  I later talked to Jackie about An and she’s get back to me after she talks to him. She said she was just looking at a picture of him cutting their thanksgiving turkey. Jackie remembered having 15 person thanksgiving dinners with newcomers and sure enough I was fondly reminded of being invited for dinner in Chilliwack when I was a new comer and felt loved.  
Laura texted me she ‘d been walking dog at her sisters. They’re off to visit their daughter in Victoria.  I wouldn’t mind going back to Victoria for a weekend.  I love the Empress and harbour.  I miss my sailboat at times like this.
Laura told me that the Vancouver motorcycle show this weekend.  I’m tempted to go. 
I’ve had a shower and actually put on my long sleeved Sturges Black Hills shirt.  My harley is still in storage at Trev Deelys.  I’d wanted at least to get out on my Vespa today with the sunshine and good weather.  I can put madigan on the back but will have to find his jacket or sweater.
I’ve also a plan to reestablish the Starlink as I’ve lost the password I used to set up the “help’ . Once I have that I could get my printer and old security camera up.  I have the Blink working and don’t really need the old one. There was some issue with the 2.6 g and 5 g networks. I don’t understand but have avoided doing it as I’ve got a system and it’s working for work and home.  If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  A good excuse to procrastinate.
The difficulty with walking and going to the motorcycle show is that after a block my low back aches. It’s so much better since the last chiropractic visit. I’m no longer having continuous knifing pain just aches and sore and fatigue when I do to much.  I continue to exercise and yesterday even have a minor fast. I believe if I had more time I’d exercise more and do more self care. 
Mostly I like lying on the couch sharing dinner with Madigan and watching old TV. I’ve been going through episodes of NCIS and Hawai 50.  I only saw a few when they came out so now I can watch the series on paramount and prime.  I just skip ones I’ve seen.
I’ve just finished Apollo Murders by Chris Hatfield.  What a great book. That’s what keep me up at night. Suspense intrigue and all with the backdrop of NASA.  I sent a copy to Graeme as he’s so involved with astronomy and physics.  I sent Adell a copy of the Good Life, the Harvard longitudinal study that Vaillant had been last lead researcher on.
Says to pay attention to relationships so I’m trying. I realized that Covid had me really isolated and anxious with the constant fear mongering and disinformation.  
I’ve just been texting with Laura about the camper and camping. Can’t wait to be out in the woods again.  I expect that when I’m out of town I don’t think about the storage locker.  

I just remembered I have to take the truck to Ford to have the spare tire re seated.  I want a coffee and then I’ll get on the move. I’d wanted to do storage locker trips but now I’m not necessarily going to VGH and will phone after I hear from Jackie.  

I’m really blessed and God is good all of the time. 
Thank you Jesus. Tomorrow I do hope to make it to church.

I’ve my Sturges Sweatshirt on if I don’t think I’ll make it to the Vancouver boat show because traffics bad and my back doen’t like walking and standing much yet.  

Thank you God for all your blessings. Help my patients and watch over my friends and family.  Help Antonio now. Watch over Steve.  Thanks for George and his family and cats.  Thanks for all the friends I’ve known and know.


Friday, January 27, 2023

Au femme

It continues to be a challenge, this living in two worlds and having two identities.  I’m not one of those ‘born in the one gender’ sorts. I’ve had a great male life and continue to have a great male life. I’ve just had gender dysphoria. It’s a mental illness. I was raped roofied and raped and had bisexual experiences as a young man.  Married my life went forward and had I had children I truly believe I’d be ‘contained’ by my ‘role’.  Clearly my preference has been women, married decades and primarily in relationship with women but now older sexually I look forward to the future.
I’m old. In the last few years I’ve wearied of the ‘manly man’. I’ve done my work on diesel engines, have all the skills of hunting and boating and did all the heavy lifting as an off shore sailor and wilderness specialist. I just want to be seduced.  
I had drank and smoked dope and thought the occasional break from reality every several years was that. I cross dressed. I left acting and dance for the serious world of medicine and missed the light hearted ness of the LGBT community. I’d touch there joining the drag queen ball and enjoying the Marci gras world compared to the strict world of ‘parent and child’ reality in the church and institutions I belonged to.  I’m single.  Most of my married male friends have had their single adult status overruled by the married ‘father’ role.
I’ve always had a great range of opportunity with flexibility and the freedom that in the past only the elite had.  
Sober now 25 years I’ve liked cross dressing. I like walking around other cities au femme and experiencing travel from the perspective of the outsider.  Not just a foreigner but really the outsider.  I have travelled extensively with the confidence and bearing of a dangerous man.  When I dress as a woman, especially now as an old person I’m quite invisible and also see clearly the arrogance and narcissism of the ‘in crowd’.  I don’t think I ever was a offensive as they can be but as a transexual I can reflect on how I’ve viewed the outsider.  I’ve struggled to be the insider in the hierarchy and have touched the top though never truly been invited inside. That place is power and family and generations and wealth. It’s not bad and it’s a world I’ve enjoyed but no longer like so much.
I much prefer the recovery world.  And I like the people who have gender dysphoria and are not using sexuality for making babies.I like the sexuality in the outsider world. I used to think it was prominent and maybe for the youth it is but not for me. I have had major success au drab having relationships and sexual partners but I’ve been the hunter. Au femme I’m the hunted though no one is hunting.  I like though that there’s the mystery that some other odd person might approach and we’d have coffee. I’m old and not so interested in sex but I’m interested in conversation and titillation of the uninhibited where the possibility is in the air and yet we don’t act as the coffee tastes just fine.  I rather enjoyed that world with women where we ‘flirted’ and laughed but then the girls all became angry and used sex for dominance and power and lack all ‘noblesse oblige’.  
I simply don’t want to talk with strange heterosexual women because I’ve been falsely accused of sexual harassment twice and both times they did it for money or spite. Yet the powers that be protected and supported these lying vulgar psychopaths and projected their worst perversions on me a rather boring old white guy.  
No I don’t want to deal with the female Stazi.
I have had a girlfriend but I’m frightened and don’t know how long I can stay in a country where women vote the likes of Trudeau in and good women say they don’t care for politics when men are being collectively abused. I spent decades fighting for women’s rights and now I’m the vulnerable one.,
My back injury and the traumatic arthritis have made the idea of masculine mounting and ravaging totally unappealing.  I’ve cared for women all my life accommodating their self pity and self centered ness and all their complaints about men and their rage and lethality.  I don’t see a future for play there. I don’t want to be a monk and I don’t want to let go of sex and I’m tired of being alone.
I don’t particularly like the gay male scenes where the ‘locker room’ guys are hyper masculine and it’s all rather like the competitive political guys working out at the gym.
I like the Betas’s everywhere, the artists and scientists.  I’ve all the skills to be a an ‘alpha male’ and won in that world but I’m an old guy and I don’t want to compete with disrespectful young men and beurocrats who can call in the Calvary if you don’t commie or parrot the lingo.  

I’m sad.

I like Klinger. I like the Mollies.

I’m not interested in being naked with men and not even that interested in being naked with strange women.  I read that it’s good for one’s health to socialize but Covid has left me afraid to go out if I don’t need to .  I’m anxious .  
Now I do participate and I’m very active and I go through the motions but I’m kind of missing the open minded crowd of my youth before I became serious and had to deal with all the angry women and all the offended people and spend a life walking on egg shells judge by the heavy handed thick police mentality doctors and sorts who have power and have no idea how to exist in 4 inch heals or fighting with feet against a knife wielding gang member.

I’m happier with my friends who survived jails and asylums than the rather boring closed minded sorts.

I don’t like that I’m judgemental. I don’t like that I’m distracted by the politics. I’m asking whether to be a celibate monk or a transexual or a heterosexual old man.  

Given the 10 to 1 times women have rejected men collectively in their lives its pretty clear that they’re not the ‘sexual ones’.  I like the group Sex and Love Addicts anonymous and wonder if I’m holding on to the desire for sex and intimacy when I can instead be deep in prayer or meditation.  But I don’t think God gave us this creation to reject it. I’ve left off the stoicism and nihilism of those religions that reject hedonism and Epicureanism. I figure when I’m dead I’d have enough time eyes closed and without sensation in another dimension with the presence of God. I want the sensual spiritual presence of God in this world and not to be with those who reject the world and are prudish and angry.

I’m confused, obviously.  So I’m safe. I walk everywhere but mostly I enjoy drinking coffee and writing about the confusion. I used to go to the LGBT noon meeting and I miss it. 
The taboos were absent. I didn’t worry about what I said. I’m tired of worrying I’ll say ‘fuck’. I’ve paid a million in penalties for saying ‘fuck’ all the while watching those with privilege say ‘fuck’ without costs.   I don’t like the casino suits of the lawyer/beurocrat want to be.  I like t shirts and shorts. I like frivolous things. I’m old. I’ve done that world of of tough and have no more to ‘prove’.  I like my friend who did several tours of war and calls me the ‘Canadian hippy’.  I like that he is my friend and doesn’t think I’m ‘flakey’

I don’t know many people I’d trust to have my back.  Ironically these military guys would trust me.  That’s what is unattractive in he confused transgender world .I like people of character and spirituality and there are morals and values and too many are criminals and into drugs and alcohol . I like my friends who are fathers and responsible and have only a few of the LGBT community that I have the same level of trust as I have for the main stream crowd.  I don’t want ‘party’ friend and don’t want the ‘club sceene’ group.  I like my gay friend who was a forester and loved wilderness as I do.  I liked my gay sailor friend.  So it’s people who share my appreciation for meritocracy and competency and are giving and not want to take. 

I don’t know. I’m muddling along. Slouching to Bethlehem.  Helping Jesus carry his cross not wanting to be crucified with him but not wanting to stand with the perverts and bullies the Sanhedrin or the Romans.  

I’ve an open day with limited responsibility and it feels good though the weather is good. My toilet is working . I’m struggling to pay bills with all the costs and dues and yet I have little reserve with the collective drain on the souls of the marginal that the elite bullies in Ottawa and glad talking theives do. I’m here trying to help. Like a Dutch boy with this finger in the hole in the damn.  It’s pretty good but I have no sense of the future and am paying off a mortgage worried that I’ll die without paying it off.  How much money does a person need to retire when the goal post is constant ly moved by the irresponsible corrupt lying sociopath with a trust fund in power wasting resources and stealing 2 / 3s of the pension that we worked for. I fear aging as my physical capabilities are already passing. How can I prepare when this sycophant closes the bank accounts of his enemies and takes the heat from us all in the cold of winter. I’m afraid and that’s a spiritual thing. I’m identifying with so many women and the LGBT community because I want nothing to do with the little tyrant.  I don’t want to associate with anyone who supports these people . I don’t want to defund the police but I don’t want to be punished for saying fuck by one lying girl and see a year of my life fighting the absurdity of those people who are incapable of doing real work so slather over ‘appearances’. The hollow men’.  I am left to as an old man looking back on how bullies beat us up. Today we have euthanasia for the mentally ill and said ‘fuck’.  The government steal billions and the news is all about pronouns.  

I begin to welcome death if only to be away from the Satanic satire then I realize it’s my resentment and fear, my mind that’s the problem.  Here and snow Life is good. I have to find peace of mind and acceptance . God is in charge and God is good . I need to focus on loving and caring and healing.  

I need to walk the dog more, survive this winter and am so looking forward to camping and sunshine. The days are getting longer. The puke in ottawa hasn’t given us radioactive material and I’m not in jail today.  I’m not ducking nuclear missiles and I’ve got money to pay the rent.

I need to be more grateful and clean up my side of the street.  I have to stop catastrophising. Even Trudeau prick that he is is not someone I know truly. I’ve seeing this guy through the media and the lens of my past. He’s the rich kid who roofied’ the girls from my high school.  People I know who know him actually like him. He’s elite and he doesn’t like any of us outsiders who are losers in his world ‘useful idiots’ but that’s the whole Laurentian Tribe.  I’m nobody in the west.  I”m a colonial.  I’m a Canadian to the New York guy .  

It’s whose in and whose out. I’m old and we’re on the way out and I’m not aging well.  I’m not going gracefully.  I must read Walden Pond again.  I’m going to retire one da and I wont be drawn into the terror as I am now by all those who are ruined by policies of government. I’m like the military doctor bandageing the wounded and knowing that the decisions of the leaders are wasting men. My wounded are the mentally ill who are more and more marginal and uncared for. The addicts are offered heroin and the sad are offered death.  They’re all losing hope because of the costs and inflation and the lies and lack of respect for an unethical government .  

I want the 2 /3 of my pension that was stolen by the kleptomaniac government. I’m a grumpy old man who would rather wear a flowered sarong, more comfortable .  

It’s all crazy and I’m only limited by my mind.  It’s divided and I need to know God more.  I need more God in my life.  I ‘m alone and afraid but of course I’m not alone but have so many friends and family and loved ones and yet I can actually wallow in my own self pity and create the imaginary world of insaniety.

I should be writing inspiring happy things or comedy.  Fuck.

Instead I ‘m lazy. It’s better i walk the dog. I’ll meditate and exercise more.  I’ll survive the winter and any day now I’ll be riding my motorcycle. Really don’t listen to me. Life is good and I’m blessed and I’ve even got a fishing rod and could go fishing. I can take care of the people who need help. I’ve got a hospital call. I have storage lockers to treasure hunt in and cull which will benefit others. I have to get to church though I struggle now what to wear. Should I wear a dress or a jacket. They don’t recognise me and I’m welcome any way. I love that the church welcomes me. Low bar club.  I could go to the faculty club in a dress or shorts.  I loved that scene in Lawrence of Arabia where he walks into the club dressed native.   I loved that movie and dr. Zhivago .  I identified with the persecuted.

Maybe our time on earth is the get an experience of persecution and false accusations and lies.  This is a game we play and we created the plot and here I am poised with the hand I dealt for myself.  Silly. Vanity. Vanity.  Laugh more. Sing.  Walk the dog

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Get out of your head and out of your home.  Get out!!!!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2023


My toilet is repaired. I’m just waiting for the bill.  I feel like the disruption of the winter freeze with water lines frozen and toilet pipe blocked is ending. I’m returning to the ‘routine’ and liking it. I’m grateful for routine. 
I’m working and enjoying that. I enjoy going to the clinics and the staff and people in person.  I’ve been so isolated by Covid and my withdrawal home. I’ve hoping to expand my horizons. I’m waiting for my camper repairs to be completed and looking forward to getting out camping and maybe even swimming at the lake. There’s bear hunting but unlike Kevin I’m not that partial to bear hunting. I could return to fishing. I truly loved fishing and eating fish younger. The point is that now with the major task of the toilet resolved there’s hope again for moving forward. I was literally stuck and thankful for the second toilet.

I have many trips to the storage locker to clean that out and to reduce the clutter here. I’d like to take a course on pulling this machine or trade it in on a bus.  I’ve put my boat up for sale but if it didn’t sell I could get on with the idea of sailing it down to the Caribbean.

I saw the chiropractor and my back is definitely better.  I’ve expressed my frustration and immediately felt the back pain relief like the knife in my back was taken out.  I feel back pain as abuse, betrayal or overwork. I certainly feel the weight on my shoulders , this old and still working like a young man because the government has stolen our pensions and the young are brain washed to be idiots. I am looking at retiring in Mexico some day.

The fact is I’m grateful for my present life.   Madiagan will be groomed at the vets on Thursday and the ‘shit storm’ of the toilet and a variety of negatives in a row will be done.  I’ve be back on track.  I’ve got major bills and taxes and just seem to be paying out the pay cheque as it comes in with all the dues and license fees right now. I’m working and this scares me for retirement. I don’t know how I’d get by without a pay cheque.  The fact is I can’t afford to retire in Vancouver so why am I paying so much to live here when I could half or quarter my costs even moving to the country.  I can work most anywhere.  It’s just okay and I’m grateful for that here.

I want to do more meetings and delve more into spirituality and writing. I haven’t been to church in weeks and daily prayer and meditation is not community. I thought to join Tai Chi again but think I emailed the wrong address.  I’ve the Starlink to tweak after I lost the pass word.  There’s these ‘chores’ and I eventually get to them but each day I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally by work. I’m better when I swim. The chiropractor treatment was the great relief this weekend.  

Now I’m grateful for God. The idea. The experience.  I’m thankful for people and experience. I’m especially thankful for Madison. Thank you god for my home and vehicles and work and coffee. Thank you for reading and hearing and seeing. Thank you for health. Thank you for all your blessings. Thank you for Laura, and Murray and Dave and Mack and Helena and Ernst and Nicolette and Adell, Marilou, Garry, Lydia, Belinda, Karen, Michelle, Ruby. Thank you for George and Mario and Hugh and Dean and Hugh and Dave and Tommie, and Nathan and Ellen and all the people in my groups and all the neighbours and humans I encounter.  

thank you for love and presence.

Thank you for purpose and belief.

Sunday, January 22, 2023


“It’s all okay now. I ‘ve got the valve in and there’s no leakage.  I’m just running water through now but we’re on the upside. You’ll be able to use it tonight.” Kelvin said.

I’m imagining sitting on the throne with a crown and candlelight, fireworks going off, my toilet restored to fully functional after a month of not working.

I remembered Dr. Ross, the greatest surgeon I worked and trained with. I asked him why he chose anal and bowel surgery as his specialty. “Well you know Bill, I tried heart and Neuro surgery and did everything at first but after a while I saw that the people who I gave the most satisfaction to were those who couldn’t go.  They were happiest when I restored their bowel function. I’ve got patients who I treated 20 years ago still sending my Christmas cards. It’s not like that for the heart and lung or even the brain surgeons. 

He was a kind and caring man.

I told my lady plumber that too and she laughed and said ‘that’s true’.  A lot of thanks and praise.  

I’m thankful today and so looking forward to the end in sight.