Brunette Lake Walk

I just finished the Brunette Lake Walk with Madigan.  It shows I’ve walked 8000 steps.  Last weekend I did this walk and then went to Costco and that day I made 11,000 steps.  My goal is 10,000 steps several times a week at last.  Work days I walk Madigan several times around the park and we make usually 4-5000 steps a day.  The health goal is 10,000 steps a day. I also have returned to swimming 10 lengths but my swimming goal would be better at 20.

I’m more than 30 lbs over weight and my back hurts. If I lost 30 lbs and increased my exercise I believe quite reasonably my back would feel better.  

Obesity is associated with metabolic disease and cancer as well as a negative attitude.  Obese people prefer sedentary activity and are irritable when faced with activity.  It fear based.  I gained weight after I injured myself climbing Arthurs Seat in Edinburgh.  I slip and landed on my tailbone.  I’d had a spinal fracture before.  I believe it was old and like from a plan or car crash but this fall really left me in pain. Like the time I flipped my quid trying to drag the elk out of the woods.  Then Covid came and I was isolated and quite inactive.  The sedentary life was quite a contrast to my decades sailing when I was lean and in shape.

Chronic pain makes it difficult to counter sloth.  Now I’m actually motivated to improve my habits.  I do like meals and my own cooking and barbecuing.  Madigan certainly supports eating but he’s so full of activity.  

I’ve an appointment for my Jeep to have the blue ox hitch installed.  I’m wanting to sell my Harley partly because I’m anxious about orthopedic injury given the months and years of surgical delays. It’s one thing to become injured and have to face a year of physio and recovery and another wth another year added for time on the waitlist. I’d rather ride in my Jeep. Equally important I like the idea of minimization with the motorhome towing the jeep and being self sustained.  I will keep the Vespa but am seriously considered an electric bike instead.  The money from the Harley sale will go to paying downf the Jeep loan/

It’s been a good week of work.  I sometimes am tired working and think negatively about another 10 years of doing this.  However i actually enjoy my work, being of service and it’s in no way onerous. I really need to get my head in the same room as my ass. I balk at the thought of routine. Yet I like my routines.

Terry asked me to speak at an online Washington group. I did and it was okay.  More being of service.  I enjoyed Burnaby men’s group and am often asked to share. I really enjoy George’s company and enjoy our regular table with Jack and Neil and Terry and sometimes Ward.  Marty is great and Tombo does a lot. I remember the names of people more which says something.

Politically I’m not pleased with all the Neo communist leading ‘shareholder capitalism’ gangstereism and corruption so common in the Liberal party.  There’s billions of unaccountable money in foreign affairs and Carney is in bed with his old corporation like Trudeau was in bed with SNC Lavalin. They’re both in bed with communist China and the WEF elites. I don’t like the Islam invasion and object to the horrible taxes I pay going to corruption and abuse, nothing that seems to serve me or western Canada, the middle class or pensioners.  I doing fine financially I guess but the loan for the car despite selling truck and mini cooper wears on me.  I’m still paying for the motorhome.  The Carney inflation has hurt my savings for pension while government workers have indexed pension. I remember my brother saying he couldn’t affford to live in Canada if he didn’t work for the government. I’m independent and self employed and find because of my age or people asking if I’m going to retired I think about the future and it’s uncertain.  

I’ve not heard from Laura. She has family and is involved with them and her house sitting.

Frank Zappa said ‘politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex.’  Journalism is just ‘gossip”. So I just try to do the next right thing and survive or manage.  

I have the weekend ahead of me and no real plans. I just read a Griff Hosker book of British Army and early Suez Canal I may order the next in the series.  I’ve been listening to the Orthodox Church audio book but it’s a bit dry though there are interesting bits of history and creeds.  I imagine I could be writing one of the three books I’m progressing on but I’m avoiding that.  I have this thought that when I get the hitch done I’ll think of the ‘next thing’.  I’ve got the existing plan to go to Whistler RV park for a long weekend but will have to book that when the hitch is done and hear that places are booking up for the summer.  I imagine too going a way for a few weeks to be by a hot spring (Harrison/Nakusp) or a lake, Okanagan like the time I was at Logan lake.  Work gives order and direction to my life which now is less full and less harried. I look forward to church and imagine next winters going south if only bccause of have the ‘system’ completed. 

I’ve had a life of journey’s and projects, bicyling across Europe, dancing, then university and medical school and country practice and Northern Medical Unit.  White water canoeing.  Mexico. Cross Coutry skiing, Cycling, Then Psychiatry Residencny and California and UBC and country psychiatry,, the Mustang, the Broncho, fishing and later hunting, Vancouver Island and more skiing, hiking, then homesteading with chickens and geese, the country psychiatry practice and downhill skiiing and the SV GIRI , ships captain, die seal mechanics navigation, off shore sailing, downhill skiing Whistler and then sailing to Mexico, sea of Cortez then return and sobriety and IDAA and travelling to all the different American cities, overseas travel, Isreal, Ethiopia, Italy, Greee,  Christian spirituality and masters of religious study, a few poetry books and a reflections on pscyhiatry book, and sobriety and service.  Three marriages, sex with women and sex with men.  Cross dressing anonymity with travel.  The challenge of doing the same old in a different role, all the theaters and ballet and opera and concerts and books read and continued study.  Constant learning.  Ireland and Scotland, Turkey and New York and LA and London art galleries and museums, Moscow and St Petersburg.  Sailing solo through winter hurricanes to Hawaii.  Working in Saipan and the Mariana Islands .  Motorcycling. The Harley and Sturges. Big Game hunting.  8 moose, an elk, 3 bear, 30 dear and countless birds.  The dogs, Shinto, Gilbert and now Madigan’s.  Photography,  

I don’t know what to do when I grow up now.  I’m in one of those lull’s.  Walking Madigan with Peter and Bella and Luka he says I’m leaving behind the Harley guy to be the Jeep guy. I took the truck and camper across Canada to visit the eastern family and returned. Long drives. Three houses and 3 marriages, Yachts and Trailor homes. Nomad.  I don’t know where I want to live or go. I’m really quite content here.  I think of moving to Alberta or the States but like my patients and the clinic.  Politics alarms me and I hope for a new government.

The war continues in the Ukraine and Iran.  

I’m grateful.  Life is a miracle and I have been truly blessed.  Today we walked the Brunette Lake trail and now that I’ve journaled and had a coffee I think I’ll lie down and read some.I really enjoyed the cleaning ladies coming this week.  

Thank you Jesus.

A perfect Saturday and lovely Weekend - Spring

The sun is bright again today. Yesterday it was warm with blue sky.  It was a blessed day.  

I loved that it began with prayer and meditation.  Then I so enjoyed the Saturday morning doctors in doctors recovery meeting. Last week was local , about once a month.  This one is international l and weekly. I like the people.   

After Madigan and I took the long Brunette Lake Walk. I was warm. Sunshine blue sky. Madigan panting.  We first saw the Canada Geese and goslings and later the wood ducks.  I’m grateful that despite my back pain with twisting I’m generally able to walk.  I’ve been riding the Harley and the position is like Dr. Goodman’s Foundation Training recommends.  Easier to do on Harley than Vespa but I just have to remember.  Slouching doesn’t do with lumbar back pain.

After we got back I left Madigan at home while I took Harley to Costco’s . I needed batteries and wanted to look at their Hearing aids.  It turns out they have a selection, all for $2200.  I want a back up pair since my very expensive Oticon pair are necessary for work. I’d like a secondary pair so I  feel better taking them with me.  

I tried selling my Harley but learned from Trev that they only take them in on trade in.  They had a lovely 2023 Trike I could see enjoying. I just don’t feel as safe on 2 wheels and find myself wanting to be cautious.,  I paid $2400 at Royal Bank on he car loan and would like to pay it down.  I’ve even had another $5000 matched for my contribution to the TFSacount last year.  I would like to put another $5000 in for this year. 

It was good to get paid and to pay my taxes and rent another month and weeks

Peter is enjoying the bike.  We’ve been walking with him and Bella and Luka.

At Costco I couldn’t resist a rotisserie chicken and would have got a lot more but I was on my motorbike . I did get more honey and orange juice and the freezer roast beef that’s microwaveable. I now have a freezer full of food and feel good when I do.

With the walk in the morning, Brunette River Walk and Costco I surpassed thee 10000 step mark. I’d been doing 8500 but now went over the top. Thank goodness. I really do have to lose weight and exercise more. It’s a catch 22 with chronic pain. You just want to relax and avoid pain but stretching and steady exercise is way better. I’m always feeling better the day after I do more exercise. With being sick with allergy and flu I spent a lot of time lying around just making the 3x a day walks with Madigan mostly for his poop breaks.  I needed the rest but my back is better with exercise.  Thank God I’m still mobile.  

I have enjoyed the couple of sex toys I picked up at One Stop Love Shop. It gives me great theological considerations.  All about masturabtion.  If I eat for survival it’s okay but then the epicurean who garnishes the food and makes a display may offend the stoic or the born again . I remember the professor in pscyhiatry saying that women are preening and into long foreplay with their lotions and bubble baths.  Men were by contrast on and off.  The orgasm was the thing.  Now there’s the whole issue of sex for children and its religious value producesing community and armies. If gays reproduce and are at least bisexual they don’t offend the community.  The Sin of Onan made much about by Victorian prudes wasn’t about masturbation at all but rather refusal to impregnant the dead brothers wife ands share he land inhearitance.  Now now most of sex isn’t about reproduction and as we’re living long lives there’s sex after menopause for women and men chasing young girls or young men or prostitution or masturbation.  

I loved the joke on Facebook about the guy who said when a girl gets a vibrator it’s though cute and a little sexy but when “I get a turbo charged life sized sex doll with self lubrication mechanical parts, I’m considered a pervert.”  Collectively men had long complained that monogamy has short changed them in the modern world.  This explains a significant percentage of the exodus to Islam of formerly Christian males or simply boyfriends of cold feminists.  Seeking sex they are shunned and the term toxic masculinity is combined with dead beat farther to shame the man while the girl is never criticized where a elder virgin a competing skank seeking a Guinness book entry for number of sexual partners in a day, 200 being the last count though 2000 is the aim.  

I am always pleased to see the handsome men and beautiful women in church. I tell the young to be church tourists and to stop at the the church with the greatest density of the beautiful. .Beauty is spiritual.  

I’m watching Battleship Gallatica in the evening and reading a Raj novel .  I deleted facebook not wanting to support the radical left wing censorship of the same ilk that has the UN chosing reactionary Muslim as head of the civil rights.  Aetheist communist and political Islam are al the rage with the continued war of Iran Israel and the US and the stopping the Strait of Hormuz.  The Ukraine war and money laundering continue and Orthodox Russia held its Victory parade despite the war being stalled on the battlefield.  

Canads is frightening with Carney one of the globalist anti Canada attacking the US and wanting to celebrate the NWO with communist China as leader.  Trudeau dished Christianity and called himself a post national.  I would like to see Pierre Polievre take over and that Iran and Cuba fall to the US like Venezuela did.  I don’t like tyranny.  Scots Whay Hay!!!  Carney with his stolen majority is acting like a tyrant and taxing everything making money for himself and Brookfields while Canadas declines and taxes rises.  

I feel poor but am not so must resist the self pity. I would like to pay off my Jeep and sell the motorcycle and camper and boat..  I’ll keep chipping away at the debt though I don’t find it hard to make payments on that and the motorhome.  It’s just me.

When I was paid yesterday I paid off the credit cards and am okay again. The only outstanding cost is the hitch for jeep and motorhome. I’m dreaming of a few weeks off in the summer and a ride to the Okanagan or Logan Lake again or Nakusp. I ‘d like to be able to swim or have a hot tub.  Maybe along the coast.  It’s just that I’d be able to take my ‘stuff’ and not be left paying for an empty spot like I have in the past or for storage of a vehicle.  I don’t’ want unnecessary costs.

I’m working steady and will feel better when I’m not envisioning working another 10 years to pay off debt. I hope to whittle things down and then pay them off sinew I have the money in the bank. But that idea of ownership is outdated as I write it off and pay half my income in taxes.  

It will all work well. I’m pleased. Was glad to be in church.  The mold was there and at first I didn’t recognize her because ironically she was so tall. She was wearing those boots that added 4 inches and Mae her long legs look great.  She’s always ‘dressed’ for church and that’s been appreciated.  There were a few girls who did the spring thing added Colour to the morning.  Madigan had a great time.  The Priest was visiting and delightful..  

Yesterday was a perfect day and today is pretty good. I agreed to be the speak at an online meeting so I’m looking forward to that be ing over.  In just a few hours I can relax.  

Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you God. Hallelujah!!!

May 1, 2026. Thor and Willy’s

I’ve been reflecting on selling my Harley Nightster Special.  I still owe on the Jeep and would like to pay down the debt asap.  I’m very fond of and have my identity tied into having a Harley. Peter says I’m moving on and am no longer the Harley guy by the Jeep guy.

I still have the Vespa. The issue with the Harley is that I’m anxious riding it. I’m being cautious with my body since I hurt my back and have had more instability. I fear an accident and being laid up with a broken hip. The same thoughts affected my hunting and now the quad is gone.  

I also like the ability to pick up and go so that I don’t need to store a vehicle.  I’m hoping to go to Nakusp this summer with the Thor and Jeep and can’t carry the Harley as well. I might be able to carry the lighter Vespa. 

The main purpose of the Harley was the road trip. It certainly served in Yuma and last year on the ride to the Spokane IDAA. 

Also I’m older now and the idea of riding two wheels is less attractive when I have a perfectly good 4 wheel jeep.  I used to like the ‘thrill’ but now I’m thinking it’s not responsibly adult. I remember Ron telling me he got over the motorcycle and really wanted a sports car.  I don’t like the debt.  I wasn’t concerned last year about spending money keeping a place here and going elsewhere for the weekend. Now I don’t want the unnecessary cost.  I’m doing a lot of that cost reduction behaviour. I’d really like to get rid of the storage locker most.  

I’m liking being ‘light’ and able to move easily. Nomad .  Gypsy.  

I like the Vespa because it’s a bit like a bicycle in the city. I can carry Madigan. It’s carried when on the back of the motorhome and it’s something I can ride year round and even off road. I’ve even worn dresses and gowns riding it but mostly I like that I don’t need to wear boots but can wear saddles. I feel like I have to gear up with the Harley but because I’m using the Vespa mostly within bicycle speeds and such I can be more relaxed.  

Peter came by with Bella and Luka .  We walked around the park.  Larry is getting his second eye done for cataracts. The first was a successful and he can see as well as with glasses without glasses with that eye.  Peter found out he has early cataract too as I have. I’ve the macular degeneration too but have been fortunate that there’s no progression.  I’m hoping to avoid surgery for  another year of two.  

I was up in the shower at 645 this morning It’s definitely a day off. TGIF.  I lingered in the shower and actually took the time to lather myself with body cream.  I’ve had that particular cream for at least a year which indicates how few times I’m not in survival mode.

This week was hard work only because I was sick. I had a cold and allergies.  So first it was sinus and sleep problems then sore throat and cough. Today I’m feeling pretty good.  Last night I took a ride on the Harley to pick up Macdonald’’s for Madigan and I as well as stop at the Coquitlam One Stop Love Shop.  It was advertised as more for suburban couples and I did like that vibe.  Not at all Davie street but not quite Commercial drive.

I’m betwixt and between glad to be working and liking serving and income when I’m well . I really enjoyed my Men’s meeting and am back to the on line meetings too.  The Cough lingers.  

It’s lovely warm weather with sunshine and blue sky.  I’m waiting to head out after the lunch hour. I have to make a mail run.  I had rotisserie chicken last night and have left overs. I could have that with the soup.  I am disappointed in the food prices being so high.

Carney ahd the Liberals seems demonic making an alliance with Communist China agains the US.  Meanwhile I really like what President Trump and Elon Musk are doing.  The exposure of the corruption there only underscores how much corruptions is happening here. The Democrats and Liberals have been bad boys and girls.  It is disheartening working and seeing all the theivery especially from the immigrants who then get special treatment when they are caught. I’ve stopped reading Facebook but am still scanning instagram and X.  It’s all just gossip but it’s like an addiction. I’m trying to break the bad habit.  I’ve read a couple of good books and think I was depressed there because nothing appeared . I felt I was just going through the motions. I felt Laura wasn’t happy and now we’re apart so that’s a grieving issue.  

Time to ride over to Trev.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. 

Commercial Drive, Sunday, April 26, 2026

What a perfect day!.  I rode the Harley Nightster Special here with Madigan in his box behind me. He was so excited to come for a ride. We were doing 110 km hr and loving it. I am thinking to reduce from the Vespa and Harley to one bike.  The Vespa is the most practical and useful and light but the Harley is so much more fun.

I stopped for gas and filled my tank with $15 of high octane Chevron gasoline.  

I’m here at ZAWA Meditareranian Canadian Middle Eastern Restaurant.  It’s by Venables on Commercial.  I had a perfect parking spot and am now sitting outside int the sun 

I had a breakfast bowl and lentil soup.  Delicious.  Madigan had a burger patty they chopped up into little pieces for him.  A couple of men kept trying to give him treats. They seemed harmless but i don’t like strangers giving my dog food. With the hot food and the hot sun my forehead is sweating. 

I enjoy the people watching.  Real live humans in various casual dress. The weekend crowd. An occasion dog and occasional child.   So far the humans have been less remarkable than the dogs .

I rode back to Burnaby on Harley returning at 330. I’d left at 0130.  Only 2 hours gone.  It seemed like half a day. Brunch was so good.  I must return to ZAWA. The waitress, Alona, was so welcoming and kind to Madigan.  

So much excitement. Such great food.  Such a lot of people to see. I reammy am apart from the world.  I was a sailor too.  I like my own company with Madigan. .  Now I’m back in the peace and calm. Thor, the motorhome is fine.   Looking forward to getting out into the country soon.  I’m blessed to be able to experience city suburbs and country. When I first came to Vancouver I loved that I could experience Mountains and ocean.  I’m tempted to ride the Harley up the sea to sky with Madigan like I did last year.  I especially liked the Duffy Lke road but think that’s a trip for the Thor Motorhome.  

Life is Good. God is good all of the time. Thank you Jesus!

Journal, Sunday, Spirituality

It’s a lovely sunny day.  Truly beautiful.  Shorts and t shirt weather.

I enjoyed my Western Canada Doctors meeting.  Yesterday I was in the IDAA meeting and felt welcome there too.  

I had thought to go to the United Church meeting in St. Barnabus. I enjoyed the minister’s bible based sermon at Easter. Our priest has left and I don’t know the new priest. I’ve been annoyed at the Anglican associated with WEF and Climate Change. I’m irritated by by PM Carney’s net zero NWO and alliance with Communist China against the US.  I keep having flashbacks to the Cuban Missile Crisis and communists coming across the lawn in winter. I’d be the first one awake and the dog and I would get Dad and my brother. Dad would have the lever action 3030 and my brother the shot gu while I had the 22.  Together we’d protect mom. 

When I’d asked the older people about radiation I realized they didn’t understand  It was 1962. I was 10 and felt for the first time unprotected and that the adults were afraid and confused.  There was alarms at school and downtown.  

It was a major nodal point in my life.

Memories of the men watching the UFO’s in the sky, my dad, the professor and the pilots.  A cigar like light and all the little saucers whizzing off then return returning.

I saw the three saucers following me at sea. I remember believing if I really wanted to escape they’d take me but I want to remain on earth and they left.

I’m anxious to have the Jeep hitch done. Anticipation.  I 

I woke at 230 am and couldn’t get back to sleep for some time. I’ve a cold and my back still hurts.  Turning side to side is painful .Icouldn’t breathe with the congestion in my nose. Got of of bed a couple of times feeling I’m getting better.  It’s a slog.  There’s so much pollen in the air I feel like I’m breathing in soup.  

Journal, Spirituality, Thor

I have come through another week.  Each day I pray.  I feel the presence of God in Creation.  I have had a cold. First runny nose then sore throat. I’ve rested and done all the things I do for laryngitis. I’ve wondered if this were a result of the pollen and allergies. It was covid with the difficulty breathing.  Just a plain old cold like the ones of childhood. Later they’d come when I was not getting enough rest.  I ate all the soup I had.  Each day got better. I worked from home and didn’t go to the men’s meeting.  This morning I don’t feel as infectious. 

I love my Thor Hurricane Home.

I woke to find 4 little yellow rubber ducks on my doorstep.  The message was that someone liked my jeep.  

My printer came without the power cable. I talked to Amazon and they sent out another. It’s a tad bigger than I thought but HP laser jet with a contract for ink.  I’m supposed to be working on my book.  I’ve made some progress.  I have the canon portable printer but it’s slow and quality is low . An office expense.  

The Iran war continues along with the Ukraine war.  Our prime minister is a disappointing ally of Commuist China.  

I’m waiting for the opportunity to take my Jeep Wrangler to E&H hitch Laney to get the blue ox hitch so I can tow it behind the Thor motorhome.  I feel I’ll be free then on more so. I want to sell my Harley or my Vespa.  I really could sell both and get an electric bike with a carrier for Madagon.

I walked with Peter and Bella and Luka and Madigan and he said “you’re a jeep guy’. Others are concerned about my being on 2 wheels while I just want to lighten up and reduce so be truly mobile, much like I was on the sailboat. Now I’ve two motorcycles an and a camper.  I don’t get much money back on sales but storage and license continues to be an outgoing cost. I like my Harley and have paid my dues to be a member of the club.  Much the same as sailing . Ironically I feel I relate more to the Vespa crowd.  There’s is male female division. . The Thor and Jeep are unisex, the Harley male and the Vespa female. 

I was listening to a feminizing tape and checking out a voice analyzer.  A couple of patients are in transition and I’m part of their journey prescribing hormones.  The long time endocrinologist I worked with is retiring but has recommended a couple of alternatives.

My back has been quite diabolical.  It’s improved with the chiropractor and there are good dans and bad days but with the could and cough it’s been at burden.  I really need to do more exercise and stretching and resist self pity. I liked Clint Easton saying “I don’t let the old man in’.  That’s what I’m doing.

I’d planned on going to the art gallery to see the latest showing.  To honor the event I thought to get a new gown or even a dress but a jean skirt would be sufficient.  A couple of years back I attended the last one show she had and participated as such.  The only trouble was the cold knocked me down. I did get my nails done to stop my incessant nail biting but already two gels have broken off..  I feel a bit of a vagabond and not at all put together.  

The fact is I got through a week of work. I use the term ‘got through’ like I did with boating and had a passage of rapids.  I have to be attentive in my work.  I takes a lot of concentration which Is what is difficult when the sinuse are full.

I have to take back the first printer in its box to be returned to Amazon .  I have the old coffee roaster to dispose of. I think it’s good and only needed cleaning but now i have the one like I had before and it’s much better though big for the space.  I’ve delicious Ethiopian coffee proabably a week’s supply whereas the old one only did a day or two.  A lot of work for little reward.

I’ve been watching Battlsstarr Galactica, an old series I saw a little of.  I’m enjoying it more. I continue to watch episodes of NCIS I haven’t seen and Boston Blue and Blue Bloods.  I love each week when a new episode of Marthsals come out.

On audio in the car and walking I continue to listen to a history of the Orthodox Church.  

I took a gulp of water last time I swim and think that’s how I got the cold.  I got the flue in Palm Springs when I was swimming in the pool there. It’s purely superstitious and lacks scientifica validity but that’s my personal cause and effect scenario so I won’t be swimming today. It’s amazing how nothing negative is associated with chocolate or icecreme so Idont give up those.  But I was enjoying swimming.  I’ll have a shower today.  

Right now another coffee. I’ve had a banana and have a quiche to eat. 

Victor called and he’s sold the quad and trailer so I’ll get a few thousand. I ‘m asking him to sell the rifle too so will have to drive out to drop that off and pick up some money I can put to the car loan.  I’d like to see that debt come down. Just talking to Victor tired me out though. So today’s going to have to be  another rest day to get over this cold.  My weekend for recuperation.  

I got him out for a walk and he pooped. Now he’s lying across from me napping.  

The quiche is delicious. Water a flu and feed a cold. I’m enjoying this feeding part.  But the effort makes me want to lie down.  We’re supposed to walk after a meal. 

There’s meeting tomorrow morning and again on Sunday morning. I’ll be glad to be at a meeting. Eating I just feel like going back to sleep. I’ve another coffee coming and I’m planning on a shower but a nap may have to precede that . The quiche had spicy sausage in it.  Delicious.

God is one day at a time. Now is all I have.  I’ve woken to another gift of a day. I got excited about driving out to Chillowack but blowing my nose took the enthusiasm away.  The coffee sure tastes good but doesn’t change the desire for a nap

God is good all of the time.

The relationship with Jesus, advocate, who who took away the sins of the world, my confessor, conscience.  I can do things tomorrow. 

The Orthodox Church is big on the Jesus Prayer prayer.  Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.  I think of God as perfect and humans as imprecise and sinner isn’t something dirty or bad but rather a person who misses the mark.  Good intentions perhaps but errs.  Have mercy suggest a punishing God, like the OT Yahweh.  But that’s just possible the scientific laws of cause and effect.  With guidance and intercession my errors need not be so great and indeed have an advocate before judgement. I want to have free speech and win politically but don’t wat to be financially hurt.  I fear for my old age and that’s a problem. Yet today I don’t feel robust.  I wonder if my decisions selling things isnt just a product of the invalidism I feel with this back pain.  If I exercised more and was more active perhaps I’d then keep the Harley.  I’m thinking of going out to a lake Harrison, Okanagan , Nakusp for a few weeks this summer.  I’m drawn to hotsprings.  But I’d like to swim in the lake. Harrison would suffice.  After I get the hitch settled I’ll be able to move onto the the next plan . I serve in my work. But I have to write the first of three books.  The printer is part of that strategy.  I ask God for his will for me. I ask God that I may know him more.

Journal - Wednesday Morning, Burnaby

Struggling with a sore throat that’s getting better .  Often means I’m working too hard, stressed or cursed.  I’ve been reflecting on personalities.  I’m letting go of past persons. I identified as the poet, writer, dancer, then cyclist , then outdoorsman, canoeist, and finally offshore sailer. Then it was fisherman and big game hunter. And the guy who dressed in gowns and attended functions with the mayor, camp or seriously, the college actor. Always the healer, spiritual seeker.  Then the motorcyclist, the Harley Davidson’s.  An arbitrary achievement, bicycling across Europe, motorcycling across Canada and US to Sturges South Dakota, Dancing on Television and in England, training with the world champion,  provincial champion volleyball and gymnast.  Life guard, rescuer diver, shitty golfer.  Sailing solo in winter across the Pacific through hurricanes then sailing the Hawaiian islands.

Always the imposter syndrome.

Sober now 28 years.  In this time of year when the last divorce and last drink was occasioned. Is it all identification with the aggressor The betrayal, the back stabbing, the lies and then leaving that behind.  Rebuilding a life.  Letting go of things that began before and carried on. Sailing, camping.  Missing dancing, missing university libraries.  Remembering telescopes and microscopes.  All the elders dying alon with friends.  The dogs and cats remembered.

Now I’m thinking of letting go of my Harley, maybe even the Vespa too but the Harley was a personal as well The ship is gone. I’m now the Jeep guy with a motorhome.  I no longer do surgery of deliver babies. I don’t build decks or repair roofs,  I don’t climb masts.

I imagine there’s less testosterone and more estrogen. 

I rmimisce so fondly of the hard cock and listing her up with my hands on her thighs and her back against walls, indoors and out, lowering her on my cock to be impaled and carrying her till orgasms.  Youth and strength.

I struggled to get off the floor.

Think of seeking the 300 winmag short coyote with the zeiss scope I thought to shoot 800 yards though the longest kill I made was at 600 yards and the moose were at most 300 yards.Now I’d only shoot something at a 100 yards because the last deer I shot at that distance took me hours to get back to the road and loaded.

Getting old is not for the young. Takes to much courage wisdom and sorrow.

Blow jobs and bottoms are the sunset of life.  The joke goes that the young wife says to the old guy, ‘let’s go upstairs and make love’ .  His reply is ‘I’ve told you before I can only do one or the other.’

Bits of identity attached to activities and friends,  Going into old areas of work with fresh young faces beaming back reminds me of “What about Schmidt’.  I still have thousands of files

My back hurts. The chronic pain wears. The many injures I laughed off come back to haunt,  Riding down the road with the motorcycle riding me,  Pitchpoling cars down ravines.  Plane crashes and climbing out the sides of the ship and sliding down the twisted wing.  Fight in jails and asylums , wrestling the dangerously insane back to rooms as other come to help. Bring hit by cars and flying off roofs on bicycles that saw their last day at that moment the man ran the red light.  Miracles.  So many NDE’s and gratitude. Thank you Jesus.

A cute pain, the 12 guage pellets hitting thigh, the punches to the face , the falls from trees and twists and then acute pain.  Cute pain.  Not like the ugly pain of chronic pain, waking to experience the nerves screaming as one turns over to climb out of bed. And I once climbed mountains.

Hide weakness. Hide aging.  The invaders raped the women and kill the old men.  My own government is pushing MAID like a new toaster or laundry soap.

I turn it around. Each day reapeat gratitude lists. Am thankful for the day but uncertain about the future. Once I’m moving everything is better Walking the dog outside I come alive.  I’m thankful I’m above the ground.  I believe in life after death but today think it’s my time I’m inspired by the older mentors and now admire my father who did 20 years past this point, a great explorer . I see his signs more and more along the way and know how hard it was for him to carry on.  He did for me.  And I don’t have children . So I’m just carrying on for family friends and service.  I’m blessed.

I laughed in a frock and enjoyed t shirts sandals and short shorts.  I remember the bliss of dancing in the streets. Hippies.  Long hair.  Girls impossibly beautiful with breasts that made Mary Magdalene blush. I was always with the best of men and best of women though there’s always a Judas,  Authorities and Romans and Phillistiens and parasites.  They’re such a minority.  The wise avoid them and carry on, I’m working on forgiving,  I’m letting go.  

Surrendering to destiny, old age, limits of the script.  I have been blessed. Thank you Jesus