Journal - Wednesday Morning, Burnaby

Struggling with a sore throat that’s getting better .  Often means I’m working too hard, stressed or cursed.  I’ve been reflecting on personalities.  I’m letting go of past persons. I identified as the poet, writer, dancer, then cyclist , then outdoorsman, canoeist, and finally offshore sailer. Then it was fisherman and big game hunter. And the guy who dressed in gowns and attended functions with the mayor, camp or seriously, the college actor. Always the healer, spiritual seeker.  Then the motorcyclist, the Harley Davidson’s.  An arbitrary achievement, bicycling across Europe, motorcycling across Canada and US to Sturges South Dakota, Dancing on Television and in England, training with the world champion,  provincial champion volleyball and gymnast.  Life guard, rescuer diver, shitty golfer.  Sailing solo in winter across the Pacific through hurricanes then sailing the Hawaiian islands.

Always the imposter syndrome.

Sober now 28 years.  In this time of year when the last divorce and last drink was occasioned. Is it all identification with the aggressor The betrayal, the back stabbing, the lies and then leaving that behind.  Rebuilding a life.  Letting go of things that began before and carried on. Sailing, camping.  Missing dancing, missing university libraries.  Remembering telescopes and microscopes.  All the elders dying alon with friends.  The dogs and cats remembered.

Now I’m thinking of letting go of my Harley, maybe even the Vespa too but the Harley was a personal as well The ship is gone. I’m now the Jeep guy with a motorhome.  I no longer do surgery of deliver babies. I don’t build decks or repair roofs,  I don’t climb masts.

I imagine there’s less testosterone and more estrogen. 

I rmimisce so fondly of the hard cock and listing her up with my hands on her thighs and her back against walls, indoors and out, lowering her on my cock to be impaled and carrying her till orgasms.  Youth and strength.

I struggled to get off the floor.

Think of seeking the 300 winmag short coyote with the zeiss scope I thought to shoot 800 yards though the longest kill I made was at 600 yards and the moose were at most 300 yards.Now I’d only shoot something at a 100 yards because the last deer I shot at that distance took me hours to get back to the road and loaded.

Getting old is not for the young. Takes to much courage wisdom and sorrow.

Blow jobs and bottoms are the sunset of life.  The joke goes that the young wife says to the old guy, ‘let’s go upstairs and make love’ .  His reply is ‘I’ve told you before I can only do one or the other.’

Bits of identity attached to activities and friends,  Going into old areas of work with fresh young faces beaming back reminds me of “What about Schmidt’.  I still have thousands of files

My back hurts. The chronic pain wears. The many injures I laughed off come back to haunt,  Riding down the road with the motorcycle riding me,  Pitchpoling cars down ravines.  Plane crashes and climbing out the sides of the ship and sliding down the twisted wing.  Fight in jails and asylums , wrestling the dangerously insane back to rooms as other come to help. Bring hit by cars and flying off roofs on bicycles that saw their last day at that moment the man ran the red light.  Miracles.  So many NDE’s and gratitude. Thank you Jesus.

A cute pain, the 12 guage pellets hitting thigh, the punches to the face , the falls from trees and twists and then acute pain.  Cute pain.  Not like the ugly pain of chronic pain, waking to experience the nerves screaming as one turns over to climb out of bed. And I once climbed mountains.

Hide weakness. Hide aging.  The invaders raped the women and kill the old men.  My own government is pushing MAID like a new toaster or laundry soap.

I turn it around. Each day reapeat gratitude lists. Am thankful for the day but uncertain about the future. Once I’m moving everything is better Walking the dog outside I come alive.  I’m thankful I’m above the ground.  I believe in life after death but today think it’s my time I’m inspired by the older mentors and now admire my father who did 20 years past this point, a great explorer . I see his signs more and more along the way and know how hard it was for him to carry on.  He did for me.  And I don’t have children . So I’m just carrying on for family friends and service.  I’m blessed.

I laughed in a frock and enjoyed t shirts sandals and short shorts.  I remember the bliss of dancing in the streets. Hippies.  Long hair.  Girls impossibly beautiful with breasts that made Mary Magdalene blush. I was always with the best of men and best of women though there’s always a Judas,  Authorities and Romans and Phillistiens and parasites.  They’re such a minority.  The wise avoid them and carry on, I’m working on forgiving,  I’m letting go.  

Surrendering to destiny, old age, limits of the script.  I have been blessed. Thank you Jesus

Monday Morning, Burnaby,Journal

I began my morning dressed in purple.  My dreams were chaos I didn’t recall. I like the routine of the bathroom.  Shaving, brushing hair, brushing teeth.  Sitting to meditate and prayer.  I’m a little disconnected.  Concentration down but I still sense the God of Creation. The interconnectedness is there.  

I’m not into exercise. Stretching some. Resting on yesterday’s long walk and swim; Yesterday I did 8700 steps.

Today the power was out. It was in the neighbourhood.  I saw a neighbour had started the vehicle and generator. I met Mac and he said the BC hydro graph showed the whole area outage.  By the time Madigan had pooped the hydro had returned.

I enjoyed listening to a woman on a podcast talk of being ‘penetrated’.  She admitted that she when she flirted and was interested in a man she wanted him to ‘penetrate’ her She said she loved the feeling of his pounding her and the release when she felt a flood insider and felt herself surrender.  

I remember reading Hound of Heaven and realizing God was wanting find me while I was chasing him.  Now I had a similiar small epiphany that women sought the same sensation of release. I had begun thinking they only ‘did it’ for other reasons, money, company, etc.  I enjoyed her saying she liked having orgasms.  On her own and and with another.  It seemed so simple and uncomplicated.  I confess I didn’t think about it much since I ‘took so much for granted’ but then with the increasing anti male politic and ‘toxic masculinity’ and men never getting it ‘right’, slow hand, fast hand, chasing her fluctuating moods and increasing barriers, then the whole denigration of the male and the constant media negation of the male and the childlike delegation of the male and the woman as emperor and somehow the loss of simplicity.  

It was reassuring.  

Hedonism is the seeking of pleasure.  Pleasure is to know God.  Spiritual surrender.  The Spiritual Orgasm, not limited to the body parts or person but of the world exploding with joy and bliss.  I wake each morning and all my senses are assailed. 

God is good all of the time,  

I closed my FB and now am reading X occasionally.  Journalling more.  The Merry Maids are coming at noon  and I’m looking forward to the place being clean.  

I’ve work today and hope to take my laundry in.  I’m having more free time and down time with the vehicles and bank issues resolving.  Everything is being paid for. The money flow is there. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just waiting for the Blue Ox hitch to be scheduled.  

I’m planning on selling the 300 win mag and really am considering selling the Harley Nightster Special .  The Vespa meets all my needs but I’m looking at folding big wheel electric bicycles with a rear carrying space.  They range $1000 to $2500 and with the Jeep now would serve all my purposes. I really enjoy the Vespa for grocery shopping.  I could take the Harley on a Pemberton circle ride.  But I’m more anxious about risk. I’d be happy enough with the jeep or motorhome.  

I’m planning a couple of weeks in the country with Thor by a lake but now need to figure what lake. 

Thank you Jesus for this day.  

Brunette Lake Walk, Sunday

I didn’t make it to church today. Since the Anglican Church has been anti American and pro Islam I have wondered about being them. Prince Charles is the head of the church and appears pro Islam and anti Christian. I found it increasingly difficult to attend the anti American , pro communist China church and yet. I like the people.  I work all week and want church to be more about God and spirituality and the Bible and Jesus rather than social work.  I enjoyed the Biblical nature of Easter and realized I missed this.

I enjoyed the spirituality in the Orthodox Church we attended for the baptism of the god kids.  I am conservative and support Pierre Poilevre and don’t like Carney with his pro aetheist communist China and anti American position.  The anti ‘Trumpism’ that CBC promotes just takes people’s attention away from the horrible corruption in Canada with foreign affairs and climate change positions. I’m at variance with the clergy in the church. I think I’m at one with some of the congregation but I don’t like even thinking about this.

So this morning I slept in . I liked the church itself and have fond memories. There’s another church that meets there and I thought I’d check it out but didn’t want to face the politics of jumping ship or crossing the floor or whatever. They’re both dog friendly.  It’s work to get out of bed and go to church. I didn’t make it.

I went for a walk with Madigan around the park then I made the long walk to the Brunette River bird dock.  When I got back I went for a swim.

I feel God the creator. I feel Creation is alive in the way I feel the grass and earth alive when I walk on them as opposed to walking on cement,  I feel I’m this mind in the midst of this glorious creation. 

I ‘m reading the Nicene Creed history and enjoying the discussion of the nature of Jesus.  Spirt and matter.  I think of spirit and slow matter. It’s all God but there was a lot of confusion over the separation of man and God.  Jesus was the interface.  Advocate.  Humans were ‘creatures’ , created while Jesus was God and Man,  truly God and Truly Human, hypostatic union.  

If God and Human were distinct it was argued there would be no bridge or union. God perfect and human limited.  ‘Creator and created.  

The Nicene Creed

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth and of all things visible and invisible

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father, before all ages; Light of Light, true God of true God, begotten , not created, of one essence with the Father, through Whom all things were made. Who for us men and for our salvation came down from heaven and was incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary and became man. He was crucified for us under Pontius Pilate m and suffered and was buried;And He rose on the third day according to the Scriptures. He ascended into heaven and dis seated on the right and of the Father. And He will come again with glory to judge the living and the dead. His Kingodom shall have no end. 

And in the Holy Spirit, the Lord m the Creator of Life who proceeds from the Father, Who together with the Father and the Son is worshipped and glorified; who spoke through the prophets.

In one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.

I confess one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.

I look for the resurrections of the life of the age to come. 

This is taken from the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America

Latin Catholics have a slight varioation of their creed.

I learned the Apostle’s Creed but have always recited the Nicene Creed in church.

The Christian Triune God, is God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit.  

 

Journal - Saturday afternoon

I’ve been to the Chiropracter. My back feels better and I expect this will last sometime as the last did too.  I’ve gone to the storage locker with Madonna and brought back the rifle  for sale and some light clothing I just took away but missed.  We’ve walked a couple of times around the park. I had a sandwich made over from the left over steak dinner. I’ve napped an hour too. I’m rather dull now despite another walk.  

I took him to the dog park on the way home from the storage locker.

 I’m considering riding to the mall. I am considering nail’s again since I’m continue to bite them and that sorts that.  I changed to a gold chain and cross after wearing silver for a long time.  I’ve caught up with my work.  

I’ve been reading the life of the man who wrote amazing grace and the history of the Nicene Creed.  Nothing particularly excites me. I’m somewhat bored despite the sunny weather. I am betwixt and between.  Best to do something.  He can stay home while. I run off . A trip on the HD will be nice.  I’ve just got to get out of my shorts.  I was going to go swimming as well but ironically I just washed my hair. I have things to buy at the mall , like listenine.  

I’ve been praying to God. 

Journal - Burnaby, Saturday Morning

I couldn’t find my meeting. Naturally I’m paranoid. It always happens.  Glych on iPhone or internet and I take it personal. I don’t dwell on it. Not like her half rolling her eyes. I caught that and don’t know what to make of if.  Keeps coming back.  I wonder if I’m off the list.  I don’t know. I’ve had trouble finding notes for a few weeks. They go to trans or spam all of a sudden then it takes a while for me to react.  I contacted the organizations and reached out to a member.  Maybe I ‘ll take in the meeting tonight.

I did walk the dog and he pooped.

I’ve a chiropractor apt in an hour. Then i’ts an open day again. I’ve the jeep and the motorcycle. I can go to the storage locker and get the rifle I want to sell. I could go out to chilliwack. I’m not terribly good with an unplanned day.  It’s a wide open space and I really don’t have anything that needs doing right now. I’d hoped the new faster printer would be here and I could do some paperwork.

I could go to apple or phone them and solve the mail problems. I think I should do a better job of bookkeeping.  

I need to exercise more≥. Swimming and walking.

I have so much organization to do on this bus.  There’s stuff in the bins I don’t need and my toolbox needs organization. I ‘ve room in the overhead bins too and the clothing.  So much I could do.  

Best get ready for morning adjustment

Brunette River Walk with Madigan

This may be the first time since we returned from the south that we’ve actually walked the Brunette River.  Madigan was obsessive about sniffing everything and peeing on everything.  He is very territorial and likes to let every other dog that he now owns the walk.  It’a a perfect day with sunshine and blue sky. I was in my Irish Clomachnoise t shirt and canvas shirt.  There was a light refreshing breeze with scents of the forest.  The river was what I think of as its normal height. It runs high in the spring and gets quite low in the summer.  I was glad to see the mallards. Just a very nice morning walk.

We’re are back.  Laura’s SMART Car battery is dead and BCAA doesn’t heave smart car batteries so I’ll get in the Jeep with Madigan and go to the rescue. 

She has it in hand so I’m back to what are Madigan and I going to do. Possibly lunch.

I had thought to ride my motorcycle . I think my Lazer ink printer may be at the post office so I can drive the jeep there to pick it up. Madigan can guard the home.  HE’es fsacinated by looking out the screen door

All chaos broke out.  Peter passers by with the girls. So I had to put on some sweats and shoes and caught up for another walk around the park. Peter and Larry go to Cochran Alberta next to a RV park on the Bow River.

I’m considering what will be the best bike to have with the Jeep, the Harley, Vespa 300 or get a Vespa 150, or a folding electric bike I can carry easily on the back of the Jeep.  Peter is getting my old folding electric bike fixed up to take out. I gave it to them thank them for the inspiration that got me through this summer trip south in the Motorhome. Now I’m waiting for the Blue Ox hitch to be installed then I don’t think I’ll want any other vehicles because that’s would allow me to come and go. I’d like to spend a couple of weeks this summer by a lake somewhere, maybe the okanagan, with a hot springs, maybe Halcyon.  

They’re planning on going back to Sidney next year and I certainly want to do that.  Working virtually gives me that flexibility.  

Burnaby, Friday, Thor

What a lovely day. After days of rain the sun has returned again.  Blue sky. Temperature warming. Spring. Motorcycle weather.

I’ve slept in a half hour.  I’m finishing my morning coffee, planning to walk Madigan shortly. I ‘m wearing this multicolored light and bright polyester kaftan.  I bought it a couple of years ago but rarely wear it. When I do I love the slick polyester feel and bright circus beach colours.  I’ll have to get dressed soon.  

I saw yesterday.  Kaloo Kalay.  Tomorrow a Chiropracter visit with Dr. Ready. I’ve been more active the last two weeks.  

When Laura was leaving in her Smart Car the battery was dead after her being here a week. I was again able to save the day with my Motormaster Jumper battery. She told me last night she’s getting a new battery today. 

I don’t know what I’m doing.  My priority is the Blue Ox Hitch for the Jeep to be towed behind the Motorhome. I sent the pictures of the Jeep to them this week.  They’ll get back to me for when they can book the installation. Sometime in the next weeks.  

I’ve called Corey at Nova Scotia to find out if I did deposit anything in the TFS account last year. Anil said he didn’t see any.  I’d like to contribute to retirement but all my money has been going to Thor and Willy the jeep. It’s settling down.  The quad and trailer are up for sale.  There’s the little boat at trailer I’m not heard about. I’m thinking of selling the 300 win mag.  Also I’m waiting for the buyback from the government for the black creek 223

I caught up on the clinic practice yesterday and will address calls today or tomorrow.

It’s otherwise a fairly blank sleight after a whirlwind of activity.  Madigan always votes for more walks.  We can certainly do that. Then a trip to the mall. I could go to the storage locker too as I’d like to get some books out to donate.  

I learned that Harry Hay ‘s Radical Fairies has chapter’s here. A patient surprised me by telling me he belonged.  My distant uncle started the first civil rights Matrachine Society in the 50’s and the radical fairies in the late 70’s.  I remember reading ‘not queer’ by the couple who complained that the Gay Parade caused their neighbours to look at them oddy. They were against the deviance as they were fully accepting into the power circles of Washington.  Harry Hay by contrast was on the west coast promoting the idea of ‘not fitting’ in but rather that the LGBT community should be its own distinctly different and separate entity.  I m reading the history of the Orthodox Church and the same issue arose when Islam invaded Turkey and allowed the church to continue though like in Communist China , the ‘different’ bits were removed .  On X and Facebooks there are ads saying Muslims love Jesus. But their ‘Jesus’ isn’t the Son of God or God or part of the Christian Trinity.  I often think it’s difficult to explain color to the color blind and the image of the deaf folk watching people dancing comes to mind.

I enjoyed being a nudist swims and beaches and have often thought I’d have enjoyed joining a nudist club. I like naked bodies and know I like sitting at coffee shops and watching people . It’s even better or the beach but the job is not to stare. I’d have to resist that at the nudist colony.  The orgy is a part of the gay scene with the casual pick up and casual sex more pronounced that college frat experiences .Girls used to be rate limittimg steps but with the hundreds of partners and competitions to fuck as many men as possible, birth control and constracetptive they’re not appearing so different. My lesbian doctor friend said it was difficult in the lesbian community in her city as everyone knew everyone and so many had been intimate.  

I’ve always been fastidious and fearful of disease.  Not ironically that didn’t stop me when I wass drinking and alcohol washed away my frontal lobes and hers leaving the Amygdala free rein.  Now I’d like to think I’m a gentleman and not a barbarian because of my high standards but frankly I’m more afraid of strangers not just the aspect of disease. I like my own company and the dogs.  I enjoy company and intimacy with a friend though we’re growing older and her interest is declining. I laughed talking to my friend about her still getting out dancing and I was thiinking I’d like to dance again but it’s too late. In the evening I like to be home. I don’’t like to drive after dark and I like my couch and tv in the evening. I’d like to go to the symphony but like my dogs company so would rather walk around the lake.  She told me they weren’t dancing at night but having afternoon dances and I laughed because I could do that. Reminded me of the old guy joke when the girlfriend says , “lets go upstairs and make love’ and he replies I’ve told you before, at my age,  I can do one or the other but not both 

I like the time I’m away getting into a bathing suit and hanging out in the hot springs. I was swimming yesterday and the little guy didn’t mind my being away a half hour. He’s getting older and tolerating separation anxiety better.  I’m beginning to think of him as a guard dog rather than physiotherapist and companion.

Laura texted me that BCAA is coming to put a new battery in her SMART car as it’s died again.

Time for a walk. 

Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you for family, friends, loved ones and Madigan and vehicles. Thank you for this day. Thank you for my health.  Thank you for all your blessings.