Explanation

It’s decades ago now. You did the right thing, You told the truth.  You faced evil and you were noticed. You knew you’d touched something only because your life was threatened seriously , not just the calls at night though there were those. What was more significant were the false accusations and character assasiantions. Then the threats to family and friends.  I knew I was right by the reaction I caused.  It’s an involuted world, politics and power.  I was scared.  I was suitably impressed.

I decided then to be vulnerable. I had learned that money and power allowed you to write and rewrite history.  Leaders like Trudeau only get their position because of their pedophilic tendencies.  The leadership that is the ‘face’ of power only allow men and women with secrets and vulnerabilities to hold positions so that should they need to they will expose them with a picture of them have sex with little girls or animals or killing someone’s brother or wife.  It’s leverage.  I learned that back then.  I was still naive.  I didn’t realize I was a coward then.  

They threatened to abolish my mind. Really.  I could be disappeared.  That was clear but the discussion hinged on my losing my self if I continued.  

After I knew I had no defence but truth.  I opted for stream of consciousness.  I realized there were no secrets from “them’.  ‘They’ were the E.E. Cummings ‘them’.  They were the rulers of this world.  

I told the truth in the world of ‘relative’ truth, in the post rational , godless , uncultured world where language obcured meaning rather than clarifying.  I kept a record. It was a journal. I laughed quite recently when a very angry insane person told me that I was more insane than them as if they had a measure of more or less.  The dipstick had gone long ago. We were all on empty.  Spiritual bankruptcy.  Incomprehensible demoralization.  I chose God and Good and kept a record of the search amidst chaos and confusion.  It was an effort. It was a trail of bread crumbs. It was canaries in a tunnel.

I have books to write and these wanderings are exercises and scales.  I could do better.  I intermittently write something in meaningful prose. I once was only a poet.  I was even a journalist when it wasn’t a dirty word.  Before we learned that the Pulitzer Prize like other awards were messages from ‘them’.  E.E.Cummings was right like the author of civil disobedieance and Walden Pond. I would have liked to have stayed on my homestead. I miss the geese and chickens.

Tomorrow is a total eclipse of the sun day.  I’m thinking Carly Simon and love.  What message is this for me.  I met James Taylor and don’t know if he was on heroin or not.  A lot of writing now seems affected by the drug of the writer.  Parts of the bible. Prophets for sure.  I was just looking at Chumash Native cave paintings and reading of hallucinogens.  Veils and desire. Buddha and the Celts.  Influences of family and mitochondrial DNA.  What next shall we learn of ourselves from looking outside and past. The future is the desired effect.  Yet we all die. There’s comedy and tragedy in that. Denial of Death truly one of the greatest books of psychiatry.  

I spent days struggling to breathe.  A ‘cold’.  Friends of died of Covid and Age.  I have chinks in my armor of invulnerability.  Again the delirium scared me.  I couldn’t pray. I’d start a prayer and become distracted unable to remember the rest, memory and concentration stolen by fever and chills. Humility setting in big time.  

I am the bubble make me the sea.  The terror of the ego. The scream on the bridge.  I trust God and fear being alone in that moment.  

Now the sun rises in the morning.  I had my dog beside me. My neighbour Nicolina gave me chicken noodle soup.  Laura walked Madigan and laughed.  Dr. Ready adjusted my back too long in bed.  

It’s all self indulgences.  Mental wanking as the Aussie’s would say.

I like to squeeze the pus out of my brain.  It clears the cobwebs from the attic and lets the bats fly free.  

I’m still very tired.  But I’m tasting coffee and that’s a blessing like all the blessings. Thank you Jesus.