Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve, 2012 - Personal Highlights and Gratitude

This is a glorified gratitude list. It will not encompass everything by any means. First and foremost I am thankful for my family. My brother and sister in law have been the greatest people in my life. I am so thankful to have spent time with father before he died and to share time with my brother's family, my nephews, Graeme, Andrew and Allan. 6868215851 a9298cf04f m6868216093 9b1836712f mIMG 1697IMG 1695I am thankful for all the friends I've been blessed to know. I won't name them as for sure I'd regretfully leave someone out. My 60th birthday party was a reflection of the fact that I am loved despite myself and to my own surprise. I am thankful for my wonderful staff at the time Joanne, Aim and Elizabeth and those who helped, like Laura and Graham, in making my birthday the best since my space cadet birthday my mother put on for me when I was 11 or 12 and Kirkie and Garth were my best friends and NASA was literally out of this world. IMG 1461 I am especially thankful for my work, my patients, the other doctors involved in my patients care and all the caregivers that surround us working independentlyIMG 1460 and interdependently in the front lines of health care, especially mental health care and addiction medicine. I've really enjoyed working with my fellow doctors and the staff at Doc-side. I'm so thankful for Joanne finding Hannah my new staff who replaced her. Gilbert is just thankful that all the staff love him as do the patients.
 I am thankful to have been an expert witness in the supreme court and having had the good fortune to meet mostly very fine and amazing judges as well as work with really very impressive lawyers. I am thankful for the psychologists, nurses and OT's plus all the others specialists I've been honoured to know.
I am thankful for my study of the spanish language. I'm thankful for all those who inspire me with their bilingualism and multilingualism. I loved studying medical spanish in El Salvador last year and the privilege to fly to that country and interact with the wonderful Salvadoran people in another paradise of sun and beach. I loved scuba diving jungle zip lining and bird watching. 6868317527 3ab6f1b991 m6868216777 c60086002a mI am thankful for my trips to Ottawa this last year. I am forever thankful for IDAA and the conference this year in Orlando, the chance to see my yearly friends who we keep in contact through email with during the year but have a week of deeply spiritual time and so much laughter. I'm thankful that on my return to visit my dad in Ottawa weather delayed the plane so I had a night in New York and could visit Manhatten again and finally seen the Stonewall Pub. IMG 1402I loved blogging,williamhaywriter.
I am thankful for sole dinners with George and conversations of poetry and spirituality.
George has been a Godsend these last 15 years. I am thankful for dinners with John and conversations of analysis and spirituality. John has been a godsend these last 15 years.
I am so thankful for Gilbert, the cockapoo and all his friends. DSCN0040
IMG 1963I am thankful for the eventual sale of my side car motorcycle and the buying of my Mazda Miata. Laura, Gilbert and I had wonderful weekend drives down to Portland and the north coast of Washington. BillI am
 thankful for the S.V. Giri and the weekend trips Laura, Gilbert and I took to English Bay, Bowen Island and the wonderful long weekend at SaltSpring for the annual round up and lamb roast. That was a great event with a lot of fun getting caught up with friends. IMG 1497I am thankful to Lyle and the friends I meet with weekly at the Dug Out. 6868214087 ffefd969d2 m

I am so thankful for St. James Anglican Church and Father Mark Greenaway-Robbins. Father Mark has created a marvellous church community and I'm glad to be a part of it thanks to Christ Church, my former church community, outlawing Gilbert the dog despite him being blessed by the Bishop, and a hard working therapy dog. The people of St. James have made us both welcome and that's so important. 6866839845 f26d0757fb m

I am thankful for the SV GiriIMG 1921 and the Blue Water Cruising Association and friends I 've made IMG 1607in the boating world like Eric and James and Louis.

I am thankful for the Ford F350 Truck and Rockwood RV and the times I've enjoyed this. This year we were fortunate to have fun with the Clipper Canoe IMG 1477too
I'm thankful to Kirk for telling me about the leash free dog walk I found aboutIMG 1570 a year after he did though I never disbelieved his story of dog Shangrila. Gilbert and I have so enjoyed this walk ever since. Kirk has been a friend since 5 and that is still amazing to me. IMG 1464

I am so thankful for the great hunts with Tom and Luke, despite our only killing grouse and one rabbit. Amazing all the years Tom and I've known each other sailing across an ocean, driving across Canada together and now being in a cattle round up. So much of the fun in the company and I think the killing of he old rusted farm implement with a great barrage of shots by Luke and Tom and I at many targets will remain one of the greatest target hunts in my life. We did see deer and moose but sDSC 0013omeone tipped them DSC 0017off about our ill intentions.
 It was great to meet Laura's cousin after years of hearing stories about her. Fun to canoe and fish too though I never caught any fish. Tom and I loved being in the cattle round up, Laura, Gilbert and I enjoyed finding another great RV park at Moonshadow in Merrit. I was thankful that Dad's death was as quick as it was though he'd had a hard winter before. I loved that I was able to spend good time with him and that we had a last visit in summer. It was good to be with my brother Ron at Dad's death and appreciate how remarkably competent he can be in very difficult times. I love my brother and sister in law so much more because of the love and care I saw them have for the old people and how much love they have for family.IMG 1439 6868215489 59cb1856c1 mIMG 14386868216379 f3326e09f1 m I am thankful for the Canadian Authors Association meetings, friends, publishing my poetry in National Voices, and for electing me a member at large to the Executive. I loved attending the Vancouver writing events and hearing friends reading. IMG 1525

I am thankful for my multicultural friends, especially the people of Saipan I continue in contact with, the Chomorro, Filipinos, and those here especially the East Indian and Chinese, as well as the various ethnic groups that give this country such diversity though I love more and more what I learn of the deepest contribution of my own heritage the Scottish and Irish people. DSCN0030I loved the THIRD DAY Concert in Langley. Third Day have been the greatest Christian rock band and I've spent years enjoying their inspirational music. Now I'm loving Serius Satellite Message programs where I hear them too. I am thankful for social media keeping me in touch not just family and friends in general but people like Wes and classmates  from Vincent Massey High School.
 I am thankful for Harrison Hot Springs and the good relaxing times I've had there. I'm grateful for all the great wild game meals I had this year, especially Laura's elk hash. I've loved the venison and elk roasts and grouse too. I loved the great uplifting plays and performances at Pacific Theatre. I loved the creativity and genius of BC Ballet. I've loved Mac and the computers and iPhone and Ipad and Nikon cameras. IMG 1630
 I am thankful for Seattle, Pike Market, the Alexis Hotel, the Sorrento, Trinity Episcopal Church and most recently Christmas there. IMG 2369
I am so thankful to be able to travel, this year to Greece, visiting the Acropolis, Knossos Crete, Delphi and the Meteora Monasteries. oDSCN0188f

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I am thankful to be a Canadian, a voter and contributor and a member of a political party while too many think  'criticism' is sufficient contribution. I am amazed by the leadership of all the organizations I've belonged to, the difficulty of the jobs, the sacrifice of the leaders and the great character and accomplishments of those individuals even when I disagree with them personally. Despite my own criticism I know Deifenbaker, Pearson, Troudeau, Mulroney, Martin, Campbell, Turner, Chretien and Harper are truly incredible people who have given this country so much with there hard work and genius.
I am thankful for love , relationship and Jesus, school, church, work, business, medicine, law, play and all that goes into the community and it's organizations and those who maintain them in this great garden we share as home, this universe in the multiverse. IMG 2339

Thanks for God even for my enemies because their deficiencies have made me realize how rich my friends are in character and love. I am thankful for their immaturity and stupidity because it really shows me how mature and intelligent my closest friends are. I struggle with Thy Will Be Done but Thy Will Be Done Lord. The more I follow you the better my life is Lord. Thank you for all the highlights of this year. DSCN0185

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Guns and Homicide

Every time a homicidal maniac goes on a spree of killing the incredibly powerful 'gun control lobby' jumps on the bandwagon with quite frankly a great deal of misinformation.

I am a hunter. My grandfather hunted. My father hunted. I got my first marksman awards at the age of 12. I've hunted and fished all my life and it's the reason I live where I do. Indeed if I didn't hunt I'd not be living here because I turned down offers of positions at Stanford, Berkeley, and Cambridge choosing a position at UBC, Vancouver Canada because it put me close to the wilderness where I could hunt and fish.

I've never mis used a fire arm. 99.9% of a gun owners don't mis use firearms. Less than 4% of gun crime is done by those with registered firearms. I've hunted with a bow successfully but prefer hunting with a rifle. My family has a tradition of raising it's own meat and gardening its own vegetables. My experience in the food industry and my family's experience in the food protection agencies has left us preferring to prepare our own food as much as possible. I've learned to be a butcher, a wild game chef and much more as part of the process of hunting.

The ignorance about hunting in our culture profoundly disturbs me. People in North American cities know as little about hunting as they do about science or the internal combustion motor that runs their vehicles. They know even less about energy management and electromagnetic forces. Yet they are very politically loud and easily mislead. That frightens me.

The average person thinks that the 'green' people, all those 'activists' are the cause of wildlife conservation when in fact hunters and fisherman account for 90% of the money that goes to habitat preservation and management of wildlife. We pay for this directly with our licenses and a variety of other tax revenue specific to outdoorsmen.

 The 'gun control lobby' is powerfully aligned to the idea of 'good government' and 'more government' and the belittling and criminalizing the individual versus the state. That's unfortunately why the National Riflearm Association came into being, as a defensive measure to protect rights of individuals from the intrusiveness and coercion and bullying by those people who indeed have the greatest number of weapons and amass more and more weapons, the State and all it's agencies. Governments kill more people always than individuals. The principal United Nations and Nato nations are the principal arms traders of the world making more money on arms trades than those same 'real politic' agencies once made on slave and drug trades. It's important to learn history and remember this is about the individual and the State. The state, even apparently democratic states, have been more lethal and more armed than individuals ever.

This 'process' of State and Individual, or Majority and Minority, is not only occurring with guns but with farms and any number of other areas where the private individual or the family are being disenfranchised by the 'big corporation' or 'big government'. In Canada we still have a large colony mindset and forget that the United States is a wholly different country from European nations.

All over the world it's important to remember that the rich and the powerful are all extremely well armed. The "anti gun lobby" is not about disarming the rich or the criminals but rather about disarming the citizen and specifically the middle class. Criminals are well armed all over the world despite gun laws. Terrorist functions extremely well despite all the laws and the trillions of dollars their disgusting behaviour costs. Guns laws have had a little effect on criminals having weapons as "drug laws" have had on stopping people accessing drugs. The 'war on guns' like the 'war on drugs' hurts alot of people while make a few people a great deal of money and not addressing the real problems at all.

Despite some of the toughest gun laws in the world I can get a hand gun in Canada most anywhere for under $500 the same as I can get heroin for $20  despite some of the toughest drug laws against heroin in the world. I won't even discuss guns and suicide because that's my speciality and I am ashamed to say the misinformation in this regard has been paramount. Comparison of suicide rates against gun laws shows that people kill themselves with a variety of means independent of guns. Guns laws don't change suicide rates for any length of time only the means which people use.  I worked where people jumped head first out of coconut trees to kill themselves so silly gun laws aren't going to affect suicidals and haven't to date.  The ingenuity of suicidal people speaks to the utter waste of human life that occurs with suicide and is all the more reason we shouldn't be distracted by self aggrandizing, powerful, rich, Government supported, anti gun lobbyists.  And don't believe their outright lies regarding suicide.

Guns are significant in terms of homicide around the world but knifes account for over half the homicides. Most homicides are indoors, in common pathways or in taverns. The use of a gun increases the lethality. Interestingly most homicides are a consequence of a single shot despite the potential clip capacity for multiple wounds whereas stabbing homicides are associated with  multiple stabbings. Et tu, Brute.

Where there have been nations with guns laws there has been significant increase in violence against the citizens by the State as evidenced by all Communist nations who have introduced guns laws before beginning the outright slaughter of millions of their citizens. This was the action of Stalin and Mao tse Tung with Russia killing 50 million and Communist China killing 80 million of it's own people. Hitler brought in strict gun controls before instituting Auschwitz and killing his opponents, including first German people,  en mass.

In contrast every citizen of Switzerland must own a gun and their homicide rate is one of the lowest in the world. Israelis must all own rifles and their killing of other Jews isn't a major problem. Indeed, the majority of homicides are predominantly between family members and close friends or associates and these people are outsiders in general relative to the greater culture. It's unlikely for most of us that it will be our wives, husbands, family or neighbours who are killing. Criminals are the principal killers who kill themselves and each other. Homicidal maniacs are rare and yet they have always been commonly 'used' by the incredibly powerful and well financed State subsidized 'anti gun lobby".

It was following a rampage similar to the recent US one that Britain already with the greatest gun laws of all time literally banned guns for private citizens. Note that they had a rampage with the least armed populations and least guns and strictest gun laws and now despite an utter ban on guns homicide by guns persists little effected by the laws. The same occurred in Australia.

Now what has reduced homicide by guns is doctors and trauma facilities and trained paramedics. In America people continue to shoot each other but half of the deaths have been stopped by better medical care, using techniques learned in Iraq and Afghanistan. Canadian doctor Norman Bethune reduced the mortality rate of the Spanish War simply by battlefield transfusion following in the wake of Florence Nightingale who reduced the mortality rate in the Crimea by over half simply with cleanliness.

Note that by focussing on 'the anti gun control lobby' and their personally self aggrandizing financial investment, we don't hear about the profoundly important effects of emergency medicine. In all the recent killings the individuals have been insane. Yet as a psychiatrist I'm the least paid of medical specialists and our speciality is the least funded. Alcoholism and drug addiction are a primary cause and closely associated with the majority of homicides. Heroin and cocaine addiction is one of the principals fuels for crime in the city. Commonly people get killed in crimes gone wrong. There are now well established successful treatments for drug and alcohol addiction but people are ill informed about these and can't simply see how few people are smoking as a result of the medical and social interventions into nicotine use, one of the most difficult and lethal of the addictions. I try to remind people that every hall of the university was smoke filled by the the end of the day as were the hospital wards and now we know who smokes in buildings by the few remaining who stand outside in the rain.

Lawyers and politicians want people to put more money in their hands so they can write more laws against guns just as they wanted more money for laws against drugs. The overwhelming evidence is that this is not where the solution lies but rather it lies in putting more money in the hands of education and health care. That's what offends me about the debate about 'gun laws' because the evidence is that it's very ineffective. The 'war on drugs' resulted in a massive armament of the states coast guard and various other government arms. The US overnight became a war zone with DEA and FBI causing more deaths in many major botched home invasions, Chicago suburbs and Waco not being the only ones by far, all of which were justified, but none of which substantially affected the actual drug problem in the US. Overwhelming data now shows that all the efforts to keep drugs out of america and all the efforts to destroy drugs in drug producing countries was for naught.It's main success was diverting funding from education and medicine into giving machine guns and tanks to sheriffs, marshalls  and such. The one figure that is not possible to find because it is so damming is the number of those hurt or killed by 'friendly fire'. It's well known that more than half the deaths in military engagements are caused by 'friendly fire', is it unreasonable to consider the same is likely true off the battlefield and in the neighbourhood.

Locally the police were in favour of gun control until they were informed that they would not be able to keep their guns when they left the force. The rich and the powerful are all armed. The issue is not about whether they are armed it's about whether the weak and powerless are allowed to have weapons. Now the gun licensing in Canada removed billions of dollars, note 'billions', from use in health care and education and put it in the pockets of odd individuals and a potentially corrupt bureaucracy. In the end it was scrapped but it's damage to the country in aloenating the rural from the urban was profound. Overnight my observation as a physician and psychiatrist working in the country towns was that once loyal and profoundly devoted citizens, military and police recruitment has been often greatest in the country, overnight felt alienated and demonized because a rifle or shotgun, part of the normal 'tool's' of farming, ranching, and the hunting and guiding community, made these individuals demonized and seeming outlaws.  I left the Liberal Party because of the insanity of this law which served no purpose but to be a money grab and appeal to hairdressers and dope smoking left wing intellectuals.

The first female prime minister Campbell had already made Canadian gun laws some of the toughest in the world adding to already existing legislation that made them safe by any means. In contrast, what has been disheartening is the way the courts have been 'easy' on those who have done crime with 'illegal' guns. Indeed there seems little distinction between committing crimes with illegal guns. Personally I think that should 'double the sentence'. Instead law abiding citizens with single shot rifles for hunting have been royally penalized and punished.

I point out to my golfing buddies that if the State's "Borglike" insanity isn't stopped by private organizations like the NRA they will have their golf clubs fined and then seized because there have been many homicides caused by golf clubs especially among Scots.  Talking to old people today who grew up in a Canada where every kid had a bb rifle or 22 and all our forefathers hunted as did the First Nations people, as did our pre Troudeau prime ministers, and Queen Elizabeth, to consider hunters to be outlaws is no more far fetched than to consider golfers the next group to be demonized with their violent tendencies and hatred for the poor little victim golf balls.

In prison only blunt knives are allowed and given that knives are the the second most lethal weapon and so common, outlawing sharp knives is really a wise thing to do now because where there are no guns the homicide by knives rate doubles as does the homicide by clubs.  Clubbing people to death with the scapula and mass graves of people killed this way goes back a hundred thousand years. Guns didn't invent killing.

Now there's a whole separate issue about military guns and hand guns. As I listened to a woman interviewer for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation I was astounded that a supposedly educated journalist could be so utterly ignorant of her subject matter. The industry representative being questioned was a literal saint in the kindness of their responses. It's no different from the vegetarian who insisted that people shouldn't hunt but eat the hamburger at the supermarket and in Macdonald's as no animals are harmed in preparing that food. Golf clubs are military weapons as are pitchforks so what makes a 'better' military weapon than a 'hunting weapon' isn't as black and white as the talking head sound bite folk would make out. Further, it's been very clear that the media, especially Hollywood, have been keen to join the 'gun control lobby' because they certainly don't want to take any responsibility for the increased homicide that the reporting and profitting that media and hollywood get out of these killings. These killings are acts of 'social terrorism' and one of the first successful measures to limit 'terrorism' was to stop media reporting the events and demands.  It's long been shown that irresponsible and self serving profit driven media interests have more effect on homicides than 'gun control'.  It's never discussed that Europe has major censorship of violence whereas it's censorship free regarding sex. In contrast American media censors love and promotes violence then all silly girl like goes on ad infinitum about gun laws so no one looks at what media and Hollywood are doing to promote violence especially the random violence of the 'social terrorist' who attacks the local school.

I can make a gun more easily than I can make bath tub speed or build a still to make liquor. I can also kill with an air gun and as the vast majority of homicides are that close up the oldest and most basic of guns is as effective as more advanced weapons. The larger the caliber of bullet the more lethal potential it is. Hence a .22 caliber or .223 caliber is less deadly per se than a 50 mm. Add to this the type of bullet, i.e. hollow point which splits and fragments on impact causing more damage or armour piercing which can be used against vehicles and flak vests. The delivery system can be for instance, single shot, bolt action, and lever action. My friend loads a single shot rifle faster than a semi automatic and I have shot bolt action faster than I could have shot semi automatic when I was being charged by a moose. There are advantages to semi automatic in small game hunting, like birds and rabbits specifically.

There is no need for 'fully automatic' which historically was called a 'machine gun' or 'gatling gun' in the area of hunting. There could be some 'advantage' but I've never felt the need for this. In Canada automatic weapons have long been outlawed though police and military all have them. In WWII bolt action was the principal weapon. The greatest gun of all time, especially popular with terrorists and criminals , the AK 47 is not semi automatic or automatic. It's charm is it's simplicity and reliability. I could have all semi automatic rifles but have only one for partridge because most semi automatics have a tendency to jam. I shoot partridge in the head at a hundred yards or so. It's a small target and by only having to depress the trigger I can maintain my site and make very fine adjustments with my 22 rifle. The 22 rifle is a popular 'pit lamping' rifle for illegal big game night hunting. It's a very common 'hit man' pistol for close range killing in dance halls. The Israeli Mossad preferred the .22 rifle for it's wet work because it's quiet, deadly in trained hands and light and reliable. Most boys begin with a .22 rifle. It's like a bb gun on steroids. The most powerful air guns are equivalent to the .22 short shell rifle or hand gun.

The issue of 'clip' is highly significant. Most military applications involve a larger clip, in the range of 20 or 30 shell capacity compared to the 10 or in some case 5 and under for the hunter. People carry spare clips. It takes time to load clips. I have a 25 clip for target practice. At the range there is a limited amount of time to 'fire' so one tries to avoid 'loading' during this window and the larger clips allow people to use that time for firing practice. In the wild hunting there's little advantage for larger clips. I've never 'needed' more than 5 to 10 clips and the very vast majority of shots I've taken have killed with the first shot, the second guaranteeing the kill, in the traditional 'two tap' approach used by hunters and military alike.

Long range rifles have great importance in hunting especially with goat and sheep hunting but rarely are homicides committed from afar though the sniper is of critical importance in the military. It's usually a 'two man' or 'two women' team and the descriptions in the media of the maniacal 'sniper' have been hyperbole. I shoot moose at 300 yards with a normal rifle whereas 'snipers' shoot over 1000 yards and sometimes up to miles. I heard a media person describe a hundred yard shot as a 'long range sniper kill'. When I saw the clip on the news the distance was more like 25 to 50 yards and no one who knows anything about guns would describe it as a 'long range sniper shot'.  We would spend our money more wisely if we had laws against media misinformation about guns and gun laws.

Thats' the silliness and stupidity that goes for 'information' and 'news' on the media in this area with the majority of the misinformation predominantly coming out of the State Sponsored, anti individual, pro State and military guns,anti health and medical care, 'anti gun lobby'. Having said all this, if I were involved in making any laws I'd have life sentences for possession of illegal guns and double life sentences for use of illegal guns. I'd imprison judges who were not tough on people doing crime with 'illegal guns' and I'd invest a great deal of money in putting out of business those people selling illegal guns. I wouldn't change the actual gun laws at all, not in Canada.

As for the states I've not been subject to all the interference by over gunned state officials with sheriff departments having tanks and attack helicopters. I'm not American. The majority of people who are in the NRA are military veterans whose knowledge of guns, and the State are beyond what most Europeans and Canadians know. Right now United States is the principal Empire and has been personally fighting tyranny for years at high cost personally and collectively. I'd rather have Americans making decisions for themselves about their guns than Russian, Chinese or French or any of the African countries. I think Clinton, Bush and Obama have hard jobs but I think they should spend their money on health care, education and mental health rather than more probably useless laws against guns.

Indeed if you look at the homicide statistics and you want to outlaw something, outlaw marriage. With or without guns domestic violence is the principal cause of homicide male and female. Next outlaw family and friends, because the criminal element, the killing of strangers by strangers accounts for only 10 to 20% of homicides, despite the number of newspapers and magazines the fear mongering of this, sells. I would also hazard a guess that outlawing 'yahoos' and 'stupid people' would do far more than 'outlawing guns' since rarely do 'normal people' die by homicide.

Death by gun is not even in the 12 top causes of death yet the 'anti gun lobby' wants us to put billions of dollars into more ineffective laws which will not benefit society as much as focussing our time and revenue on such simple things as better driver education especially young people. We need more education and more health care more than we need more laws.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Resentment and Forgiveness

In the 12 step programs there is great emphasis on addressing one's own 'resentments' and attempting to 'let go' of these and move on to 'forgiveness'. It was explained to me early that 'forgiving' didn't mean I 'condoned' what I perceived as the other person's behaviour. Further it was also explained to me that in the 'heat of the moment' I was supposed to be defending myself directly and surviving and leaving the forgiving till a later time. Even the Dalai Lama has said that if a person is pointing a gun at you and shooting you are right to defend yourself.

However, holding onto resentments has been described as 'taking poison and hoping the other person dies'. We are what we think. Cognitive behavioural therapy says specifically that our thoughts create our emotions and we also tend to attract and be drawn to what we feel, sometimes in a viscious circle kind of way.

The key to addressing our 'resentments' in the 12 step program was to make an inventory of all those who we felt had hurt us and then list what the hurt was. This hurt was described as being less complex and more specific than most of us are willing to do. Indeed we tend to think of ourselves as 'terminally' unique but when we actually list our resentments and see the pattern is rather basic we realize that we're not that special or different from anyone else.

The experience of resentment is associated with a threat to the following:

1) Money - it's utterly amazing how much resentment people hold to anyone who interferes with their money 'supply'.
2) Sexual life - it's equally amazing how much resentment people hold to anyone who interferes with their sexual life.
3) Security - this refers to whatever we believe protects us and keeps us safe in what we believe is an unsafe world. It probably should be at the top of the list because certainly I still have fleeting negative thoughts of the careless irresponsible drivers who drove through lights and hit me with their vehicles leaving me today with some rather serious pain issues where joints were damaged. That's an example of a 'security' issue. The failure of the insurance company to compensate me for my loss is another resentment issue that goes with money.
4) Self esteem or status or personal relationships - we have a 'social image' of ourselves. I have had a serious resentment to a compulsive liar and pervert who falsely accused me of being attracted to them, as a form of extortion for money. In then end I had to pay them off because the courts are only about money and no longer care for 'justice' or 'right and wrong'. Indeed the courts are a source of resentment to me because as a dead lawyer friend said, the middle class of Canada can no longer afford them. The legal system no longer protects me from thieves and criminals and all I have is insurance which costs me more and more to the point where I'd think the insurance and legal system and criminals were in league against the law abiding citizens. Of course after the 'status' issue, where the 'false allegation' impugned my 'reputation' and rewarded the liar and criminal, I had a resentment about the money issue. At the same time I worried that my family and friends would think there was some truth in this even though I knew that anyone who knew me knew me as a good man. I worried that these days people don't want to associate with anyone in any kind of trouble for fear 'bad luck' is infectious. I know the love of my family and close friends wouldn't be affected by these consequences of my working within a corrupt government with the most dangerous and disturbed people but I still worried and had resentments about what these negative experiences would do for my relationships in general.
5) Ambition - I wanted to buy another house having lost two to divorces and the punishment that is institutionalized there. I hoped to work less with later years and more pain. I wanted to be safer and be surrounded by friends who accepted me as I am after all the sacrifice and work I'd done. I worried about health care and cosmetic care and safety in old age and worried indeed I'd be pushing a cart on the street or dying painfully of a treatable medical condition but not having the insurance or money to pay for this. I have resentments against those who have interfered with my attempts to 'get ahead', to 'be the best person I can be', to 'love and not hate', to be 'fearless' and to do those things I wanted to do on my bucket list, like sail around the world, learn the bagpipes, right the great Canadian novel, serve as missionary doctor, make love, sky dive, para sail, take a trip into outerspace and meet aliens, any of those things. I can develop a resentment against anyone who gets between me and where I see myself in the future, even in the future a day or two from now, like recently when a slow moving arrogant Heathrow security guy held us all up so we missed our flight and I'd been hoping to get home and to bed but instead was delayed a day and didn't sleep till 3 am. Expectations have been described as "pre formed resentments'. Consequently we try to have 'good intentions' leaving the outcome in God's hands. That's the Christian thing but I was trained in science and medicine that I'm responsible not only for intentions but for outcomes and I have a resentment for 12 steppers and Christians who abdicate responsibility for poor outcome saying it's in 'god's hands' whereas as a rifle marksman I also know that most poor outcome is a product on lack of training, practice or taking into account the wind. So I'm learning how to coordinate my expectations and time frames with the limits of others and the environment rather than having 'great ideas' without realization of how much is involved in the actual translation of idea into finished product. I'm also very appreciative of those who are successful at this and less likely to criticize effective people than many whose lives are less so and they rarely seem to really look where the need for change is, not with the external world but rather with themselves.

Of course I have to address resentments I have to myself, ie the person I was yesterday rather than today. Most of what occurs in my life is a product of the desires I had yesterday. I can see the outcomes of my prayers and ambitions when I was younger. I can also see the effects of 'karma' or 'divine retribution' the older I get. So I have joint that's painful not so much because of the injury but more because of the lack of care I took and my unwillingness to follow medical advice at the time of the injury. So much of what I deal with today is a product of my 'knowing better' and not taking 'good advice' or 'listening to my superiors, parents etc".

So I have to recognise that my happiness is subtracted by my resentments. It's like the hard drive of a computer that's full of spam. I have to forgive if only to stop thinking of the old shit.

Now I've got to go back to work right now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Alexis Hotel and Seatle

Gilbert and I decided to take a break from the sailboat in Vancouver winter. Seattle is always a great getaway. This time we chose the Alexis Hotel on 1st Avenue near the waterfront. Mostly it was advertised as dog friendly and walking distance to Pike Market and the surroundings. The staff were certainly dog friendly. Gilbert was welcomed by all with everyone petting him and calling him by name. There were lots of other guests with dogs and Gilbert cavorted with several as we passed through the lobby. Gilbert and I enjoyed the walking and shopping on Washington Avenue especially. Window shopping on a dog walk is a great variation to just walking the dog. I loved the raw silk shops, the vintage diva, the umbrella shop, the kilt shop, visiting nearby Nordstroms and Macy's, and while I Gilbert and I took the taxi to Trinity Episcapal Church on 8th at James we walked back in the rain sporting our new story umbrella from the Pike's Market speciality store. The night was lovely in the rain. The days walking along the harbour front were delightful too. Room service and the recent movies in the hotel was splendid. I did love Loopers, a great Bruce Willis action flick combining sci fi, mobsters and time travel. I had planned at first to come back for Christmas Eve but loved it so much I stayed a couple of days. Driving back and forth the 2 hours each way in the Mazda Miata was a dream as well. Border crossing time was 10 and 20 minutes. I wouldn't think the boxing days sales at Bellis Fair would make for such short crossing times. I really must renew my Nexus one of these days. AlexisgilbertAlexisSeattle4stairsSeattlegilbertSeattlepike2WomenseatleTrinityaltarGilbertStarbucksTrinityChristmasEveTrinityaltar