Pain

The pain is insufferable.  I was in bed praying to my mother.  I remembered her rubbing my back comforting me as a child. I didn’t have back pain then. Not till teen years and athletic injuries. I thought about my dog who I couldn’t save from jumping out of the truck window and hurting his back. My father’s back hurt. My brother’s back hurt. I feel I’m carrying the weight of the world. Everyone comes to me for solutions .I’m the complaints department of life. I cry to God. I think a lot of Jesus on the cross. I thought i could stand torture but I can’t

I remembered the nights in the hurricane, days and nights a lone at sea then there three days and nights when I was living in a washing machine, the seas so rough and the wind so fierce and all I could do is keep her going straight before the storm till that eerie light and those clam agitated seas. I motored on. No sleep worth speaking of.  An hour at a time at most,

Now I worry about the patients.  So easily offended. Working in fear.  Constantly policed by incompetent arrogant administers so easily offended.

I think my pain is the psychiatrist equivalent of all the back stabbing throughout the years. I actually wanted to die again. Decades not wanting suicide and here I was in pain wanting again to know oblivion. 

I’m up. I watched comedy. I was distracted. I can’t lie on either side or on my back. The ache is there stopping sleep.  I understand relapse. I wanted to pass out I wanted to just forget about the pain and horrors of my life.  All the trauma and misery I’ve seen and known. All the body parts, blood, guts, misery. I’ve been immersed in it for so long. Then the media and politicians are constantly critical and abusive and I just want to leave. I miss the solitude. The days of avoidance. Hiding in the tent on the side of the mountain.

There is little relief.  I’ve been to chiropracter, acupuncturists, physiotherapists, massage therapists. They’ve all given up rejected me.  Abused me more.  

Only death will cure the pain.  Kierkegaard. Life is suffering unto death.  

I’ve complained enough in life, laughed enough, loved enough. I’ve paid for everything. I’ve been taxed for all the criminal behaviour white collar, blue collar and government. I ‘m so weary of the lies and corruption.  The evil.  Jesus on the cross . The government and church, authority erred  killing the child of god.  

We killed the child of god.  No wonder the Christians today are a weak soup.  Who wants to admit in a fake world that we are accountable.  We killed the child of God. No wonder there is suffering. I denied God. I denied love. I walked away. I left.  I never loved enough. I’m a sinner. I’m human.

I want to be hopeful and positive but it’s 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep and the pain is unbearable. I think of going to the hospital, don’t know if I can drive, think of calling the ambulance, but then I think of the excruciating pain waiting in those horrible plastic chairs in the waiting room and how I’d have to lie on the floor where disease has tracked on dirty shoes because there is no relief standing or siting and I’d be waiting for ever for a doctor. I waited with my father for 12 hours when he was in a car accident in pain and I waited hours when he was have congestive heart failure and I had to shout at the self absorbed pcychopathic administrative assistant who didn’t care my father was dying. The doctor was a relief. Again we saved him,

I’m so lonely. I miss my mother, my father and my brother. I have no children to protect me. I have protected so many people old and young so often from the cold administration who stab me in the back as I do my job. There are no resources, I’ve worked a life time without any of the promised tools, I’m a soldiers without ammunition or guns fighting for my patients and my family and myself with bare hands, The government has stolen the money for the frontlines so they can wear expensive clothes and preen and talk and have a moving party, lots of alcohol and drugs,

I’m here. I’ve seen tens of thousands of patients and fought so many wars.  I’m old. Older than dirt, I’m so tired and I can’t sleep and the pain is there.  Now I’ve a vibrator rammed up against my buttock and it’s distracting.  The ligaments are tight. I’ve done all the stretching and exercise.  I did yoga and tail chi, I was in the hot tub last night and I swam a dozen lengths.  It’s the irritation, the niggling, the burrowing pain. It’s insidious,  

I’m so full of self pity and uselessness.  A loser, a woooz.  I get no comfort from those who say they care. I suffer alone and in silence. I write . I do whine and complain and pontificate and speak maudlin Such as worthless shit. Such a failure.  I ‘ve done nothing with my life. I never loved I have no children, I have no wife. I have friends and acquaintances. I have those who don’t even touch me. They sit with me but there are no hugs no acts of generosity and charming. I’ve seduced but not been seduced. I have just carried so many women like parasites.  They’ve suck my blood and left me resentful and fearful and self pitying.  

I miss my mother but also my father, my aunt, my friend, my sponsors my mentors. All the people I cared for who died. Now there are those who still are alive but they judge me because I no longer want to be a man and carry the weight and fight. I can hardly walk with this pain, my leg collapse, I almost fell down stairs. I’m fragile. I can dress as an old lady and maybe then no one will expect any more of me. 

I’m selfish and self centred, I’m an alcoholic in 25 years of recovery. I’m an adulterer, I’ve lied decades ago, as I recall. I said I was sorry and I wasn’t.  I’ve been late forever. I’m always on the clock, I’ve countless demands and then people say it’s me who makes the committment, blames me, and they’re lying on he beach, smoking crack and blaming me

I’m caught up in their twisted lies,  

Trudeau nauseates me. He’s the worst off the bad lot of politicians.  And political correctness. We can’t even rage against the lies and lazy stupidity of deceit and meanness of the woke and the communists and left who we carry. Noblesse Oblige. I work and look over seeing them talking, and dependent,

I’m so far short of the wiseman, the guru, the old one, I’m just having a little pain, my leg collapses and I’m falling. I’m unsteady. I can’t sleep. I’m in constant chronic pain and I lose my shit. Where the stoicism now. Where’s the belief in yourself now as your who leg is numb and the pain is dull and steady and without sleep you just cry. I’m crying now and it’s all just silly self pity.

My God why hast thou forsaken me.

St Patrick protect me from the spears of inequity. My enemies are stabbing me in the back. The lies and betrayals of the ex wives and those who you paid in government to provide you services and they put the money up their noses and into private jets. Everyday I hear of more theft by Singh and Trudea. The arrive can app 55 millions, the countless committee meetings costing millions I was forced to attend. I worked in government . I saw the waste and corruption first hand. I went out in the community to work as far away from the evil as I could get only to be taxed half and have these cunts back up the criminals who attacked my patients and me and told lies and threatened to klll me and killed my dog and in rooms threatened me and locked me up and lied and lie and lied.  I was held hostage by a soldier threateneing to kill me. I was st the mercy of a doctor who was in league with the doctor who raped me. I was abused by the man who was covering for his drunken friend who killed a patient with his negligence.

It’s all water under the bridge.

It’s all in the past.

Having resentments is taking poison and hoping the other will die,

Pain is that which I can say in no other way,

Desire is the root of all suffering

I’m in pain because I’m afraid. 

I’m eternally anxious. Anxious is a measure of my distance from God and I’m so far from God right now. I’m this point of ache and pain and fear of not being able to walk. I was a dancer and a sailor, a gymnast and a martial artist, a mountain climber, hunter , chisel and I can’t trust my leg not to collapse. I held the wall waiting for the pain to pass as I clung upright.  I tripped walking my leg so heavy and unreliable.

My body is in mutiny.

I don’t want to be here. My body doesn’t want to be here

This too will pass. It’s like the countless storms as eas. So difficult in the night. So hard to get rough the cold and dark and uncertainty. Then that is over.  I miss the device I have for hanging upside down. That gave relief.  

This too will pass. 

I am burdened by the day of scrutiny and mean judgement and emanes for constant perfection and the anger and the pain and my wanting to do my best and help those who are like me now.  The scream. On the bridge.  Wood cut. 

My God my god why hast thou forsaken me,

i can’t even speak as Jesus because that says I’m arrogant,

The Government tells the soldiers not to swear when they are wounded and their guts are falling out because it may affect the public relations.  

Public relations

HR

Appearances. All these Hollow Men and Woman. Government.  The good times. The party boys and girls. The people who vote Trudeau. Those who haen’t read Arendt or Bonhoeffer or Solzenistch, The self serving. The people who say my pain is greater than your pain. You don’t understand.  Me first Me first.  The money men and women. The bankers and the people who promise security and then take your bank account if you disagree with the weasel Trudeau dictator shit.

i can’t afford righteous anger

Depression and pain are anger turned inward.

I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember, But there’s work to do. I can’t lie in bed I can’t take a break, I can’t get drunk, smoke a joint, take a weekend off. I’m not allowed. I’ve been working since I was 12 and the fucking prime minister play boy and his playbill Freeland friend has stolen the money of the old. The pension is a joke.  The savings were misspent given to scab voters, mis used , The poor decisions are such that the whole of the government should be lined against the wall and shot.  Government indexed pension and all that time off in committee meeting and doing fuck all , they get angry when we say that because they’ve not worked in the real world, the union job folk who don’t know the struggle and then we are comparing and fighting among outsells while the psychopaths on top are hoarding and taking private jets to islands to fuck little boys and girls and lie abou what they did on their summer factions.  Epstein is still alive.  Ghislane’s list naming Trudeau is still a secret. And we’re supposed to trust the Supreme Court. Those wankers who protect criminals like those on the LIST.  

Meanwhile Putin bombs the Ukraine and Xi Jinping threatens Taiwan, invades Hong Kong, genocides Tibet, and Trudeau lets his police terrorize Chinese Canaagians whose family in China are held hostage and tortured with the CBC lying about everything.  

My leg hurt.s My hip hurts, my low back hurts

My shoulders hurt, My eyes squint.  

I’m so tired. 

No one cares.  No one cares.  They just want the services and they want me to be there and I’m normally there like my mother was there and now she’s not, Like my father was there and now he’s not, Like my brother was there and now he’s not,

I’m so alone. 

I can try to sleep again.  I can try not to think of all the threats and rage and anger I’ve faced.  Dangerously insane wards.  Patient so angry they can’t get me to prescribe them more drugs , addict. The tough crowd. The ones who lie to the college and the college who live their liars and hate the doctors and destroy the health care system for their own agenda of more pay up top and less pay to the front lines.  Me first.

While tonight I’m just self centre and afraid and tired and in pain and so sad. Such indulgence , Such self pity. Such entitlement.  Such bullshit.