Thank you Jesus for St. Paul’s Episcopal Church. Thank you for Yuma and Aldorone. Thank you for pharmacists and coffee shops. Thank you for tourist gift markets. Thank you for the sunshine, pool and hot tub. Thank you for iPhone, Thank you for iPads.
It’s a wonder that I’ve been able to work and maintain in come and provide care here. Thank you that I’ve missed the worst for November northern weather.
Thank you that I am able to continue my feminization experiment.
The issues of my transsexualism are as follows
1. A weariness with the left wing liberal and communist attack on old white men. I have experience such abuse of false allegations and government corruption.
2. I have been raped and abused as a student and faulted for being a whistleblower. The evil victimizers have punished me relentlessly. I struggle with understanding if this is ‘blame the victim’ or just ‘self pity’.
3. Is this sex and love addiction. I really need to go and sort this out.
4. It’s not aging gracefully.
5. It’s a desire for a new identity where I can show more self love and less sacrifice.
6. It’s a Klinger like response to war and government
7. It’s an unwillingness to be a celibate monk yet. I may transition only to be an old nun.
8. It’s a broadening of experience and understanding.
9. It’s learning with a relatively safe adventure without the costs of boats and expedition.
10. It’s ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’
11 It’ss imatation is the sincerest form of flattery
12. It‘s MR Dress up. I always liked clothing and fashion and as a male enjoyed suits and sports jackets and sweater, especially young when I felt I looked good enough as a dancer and actor. But with marriage and relationships with women I was belittled and competed with and laughed at. It’s been years since I enjoyed male clothing and dress. The exception was my Harris Tweed Jacket I bought in Edinburgh. Maybe if I tried to find men’s clothing that felt as comfortable and fashionable as the au femme wardrobe. My male clothing is old and warn. I felt good dressed au femme elegant attending church. I sensed that women appreciated the tastefulness of fine wear. Men seem not to notice old men’s wear and assume the wife dresses them. I did see several men who looked well dressed in shirts and slacks and some with attractive jackets. Maybe if I was as careful and Karen au drab as Au femme I’d be happier au drab. I really must purge my wardrobe both au femme and au drab especially au drab. I have so much clothing going back decades all around the jeans and sport jacket theme. I liked the new paisley shirt I bought on commercial .
13. I don’t feel sexually masculine now that my back has continuously hurt for a year and I imagine au femme I could be on my back and serve a purpose whereas au drab sex is just painful on top and women reject men who can’t perform. I have spent a life of pleasuring women and feeling a man ‘s roll is to give her orgasms and so many demand that and don’t share that sense of duty. Increasingly older women want to eat get fat, be pleasured and cared for and admittedly I have resentments that I’m not letting go . The back pain is a central metaphor of my relationships. Anger turned in ward. Bullying. But it’s my side of the street that’s dirty. I have to clean my side of the street. Mayb it ‘s marijuana being cunnning, baffling and powerful.,,..I call to be blatto….a desire to escape pain. My god why hast though forsaken me. The chronic low grease reminder of 3/10 spiking to 7 and 8 our to 10 with an uneven step. The pain is worst after standing after sitting. I fear returning because coming here I was in utter pain and limping after an hour drive at the rest stops. I pray it’s easier returning. The back pain is less with walking but the next day it’s worse. I’ve increased my tolerance though.
14. God please.
Thank you God that I’ve been able to work and sitting in this chair is not so bad.
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