Yuma, Sunday, Day 10 (Yuma trip Nov4-30 2022)

I had my first night of sleeping through without the pain waking me.  I ve done meditation and back exercises, very similar to old yoga moves.  These pain is teaching me that prevention is better than injury.  I even have hope the sciatica will eventually release me. I’ve worried though about the drive back because sitting seems to make it worse. I have3 difficulty getting out of the car and standing up.  I’m not bothered by sitting at the desk as much. More breaks and stretches. 

I enjoyed swimming in the outdoor pool in my black and white bikini.  I enjoyed lying on the deck lounger reading . I’ve a new historical fiction of China in th 1850’s.  I enjoyed going to the market in the morning and buying local earrings.  

I drove out to Mexico but it was so busy on Saturday I didn’t find parking I was comfortable with. I’d hoped to sit in an outdoor cafe and write. I also wanted huevros rancheros.  Maybe next weekend.  I had a bit of a line up to leave.  My plan next week is to park my car and walk across the border.  A lot do that.  

Today I’m going to the United Methodist Church.  I found it searching ‘dog friendly church’.  I’d also ad driven by it so figured I’d be able to find it.  There’s a St. Paul’s Episcopalian I may visit next Sunday.  John Wesley thought to reform the Anglican Church in th mid 1800’s not create a separate Protestant Chruch.  I enjoyed attending the Methodist church in Saipan Northern Mariana Islands.  It was an older congregation, some children so those younger than me but i thought most were senior. Very welcoming. Uplifting. I felt welcome with a dog and wearing a polka dot dress and black jacket. Madigan, black and white,, and I certainly matched. 

Now I’m at The Press Cafe and Bistro siting outside on their patio. I’d tried the Garden Cafe but though out door and Madigan was wearing his ‘Therapy Dog vest.  She turned us a way and said she’d had such trouble with dogs before.  I diddn’t like that of course as clearly the dogs and owners who caused the problem should have paid rather than have ne be penalized ,

I did get a Yuma mug for my room. I’d been reusing paper cups making coffee in the microwave and today the cup was leaking .I like coffee and now have a souvenir and something useful while I’m here

I am now at the Press Cafe and Bistro.  Their Cafe Late is excellent, We’re siting on the outdoor deck in the sun.  A local lady said she thought it was cold and she’d hadn’t warmed up all wee. I thought about the food in Vancouver. I’m planning on having a swim this afternoon and lying by the pool side. That will be after the ‘rodeo’ breakfast.   

I like the lightness and freedom of wear. I don’t think of myself as different. It’s just normal and no one seems at odds with this. I’m well dressed. Stylish. Conservative. I no long think of my clothing or appearance as such. It just is and I

Yuma, Monday Morning

I am up.  Meditation is good.  I’m making coffee now.  The pain is still present. I’ve done my exercises. I’m already looking forward to return.  Just to get over the risky passage through the mountains.  The scare on the way down.  Going back I may have less concern taking the more coastal route. At home I’ll be able leave Madigan in the home and get treatment , whatever that may be.  I’m afraid to go to a chiropracter fearing that something could make it worse and I’d not be able to drive the long distance. However, even if I went for a massage, I dearly love, leaving Madigan in the hotel is verboten.  

Thank you Jesus for St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.  Thank you for Yuma and Aldorone.  Thank you for pharmacists and coffee shops. Thank you for tourist gift markets.  Thank you for the sunshine, pool and hot tub. Thank you for iPhone, Thank you for iPads.

 It’s a wonder that I’ve been able to work and maintain in come and provide care here. Thank you that I’ve missed the worst for November northern weather.

Thank you that I am able to continue my feminization experiment. 

The issues of my transsexualism are as follows

1. A weariness with the left wing liberal and communist attack on old white men.  I have experience such abuse of false allegations and government corruption.

2. I have been raped and abused as a student and faulted for being a whistleblower.  The evil victimizers have punished me relentlessly.  I struggle with understanding if this is ‘blame the victim’ or just ‘self pity’.

3. Is this sex and love addiction.  I really need to go and sort this out.

4.  It’s not aging gracefully.

5.  It’s a desire for a new identity where I can show more self love and less sacrifice. 

6. It’s a Klinger like response to war and government

7.  It’s an unwillingness to be a celibate monk yet.  I may transition only to be an old nun.

8. It’s a broadening of experience and understanding.  

9.  It’s learning with a relatively safe adventure without the costs of boats and expedition.  

10.  It’s ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’

11 It’ss imatation is the sincerest form of flattery

12.  It‘s MR Dress up. I always liked clothing and fashion and as a male enjoyed suits and sports jackets and sweater, especially young when I felt I looked good enough as a dancer and actor. But with marriage and relationships with women I was belittled and competed with and laughed at.  It’s been years since I enjoyed male clothing and dress. The exception was my Harris Tweed Jacket I bought in Edinburgh.  Maybe if I tried to find men’s clothing that felt as comfortable and fashionable as the au femme wardrobe.  My male clothing is old and warn.  I felt good dressed au femme elegant attending church.  I sensed that women appreciated the tastefulness of fine wear.  Men seem not to notice old men’s wear and assume the wife dresses them.  I did see several men who looked well dressed in shirts and slacks and some with attractive jackets. Maybe if I was as careful and Karen au drab as Au femme I’d be happier au drab.  I really must purge my wardrobe both au femme and au drab especially au drab. I have so much clothing going back decades all around the jeans and sport jacket theme.  I liked the new paisley shirt I bought on commercial .  

13.  I don’t feel sexually masculine now that my back has continuously hurt for a year and I imagine au femme I could be on my back and serve a purpose whereas au drab sex is just painful on top and women reject men who can’t perform.  I have spent a life of pleasuring women and feeling a man ‘s roll is to give her orgasms and so many demand that and don’t share that sense of duty.   Increasingly older women want to eat get fat, be pleasured and cared for and admittedly I have resentments that I’m not letting go .  The back pain is a central metaphor of my relationships.  Anger turned in ward.  Bullying.  But it’s my side of the street that’s dirty.  I have to clean my side of the street.  Mayb  it ‘s marijuana being cunnning, baffling and powerful.,,..I call to be blatto….a desire to escape pain.  My god why hast though forsaken me.  The chronic low grease reminder of 3/10 spiking to 7 and 8 our to 10 with an uneven step.  The pain is worst after standing after sitting. I fear returning because coming here I was in utter pain and limping after an hour drive at the rest stops.  I pray it’s easier returning.  The back pain is less with walking but the next day it’s worse.  I’ve increased my tolerance though.

14.  God please.  

Thank you God that I’ve been able to work and sitting in this chair is not so bad.  

Yuma, Sunday, Day 10

I had my first night of sleeping through without the pain waking me.  I ve done meditation and back exercises, very similar to old yoga moves.  These pain is teaching me that prevention is better than injury.  I even have hope the sciatica will eventually release me. I’ve worried though about the drive back because sitting seems to make it worse. I have3 difficulty getting out of the car and standing up.  I’m not bothered by sitting at the desk as much. More breaks and stretches. 

I enjoyed swimming in the outdoor pool in my black and white bikini.  I enjoyed lying on the deck lounger reading . I’ve a new historical fiction of China in th 1850’s.  I enjoyed going to the market in the morning and buying local earrings.  

I drove out to Mexico but it was so busy on Saturday I didn’t find parking I was comfortable with. I’d hoped to sit in an outdoor cafe and write. I also wanted huevros rancheros.  Maybe next weekend.  I had a bit of a line up to leave.  My plan next week is to park my car and walk across the border.  A lot do that.  

Today I’m going to the United Methodist Church.  I found it searching ‘dog friendly church’.  I’d also ad driven by it so figured I’d be able to find it.  There’s a St. Paul’s Episcopalian I may visit next Sunday.  John Wesley thought to reform the Anglican Church in th mid 1800’s not create a separate Protestant Chruch.  I enjoyed attending the Methodist church in Saipan Northern Mariana Islands.  It was an older congregation, some children so those younger than me but i thought most were senior. Very welcoming. Uplifting. I felt welcome with a dog and wearing a polka dot dress and black jacket. Madigan, black and white,, and I certainly matched. 

Now I’m at The Press Cafe and Bistro siting outside on their patio. I’d tried the Garden Cafe but though out door and Madigan was wearing his ‘Therapy Dog vest.  She turned us a way and said she’d had such trouble with dogs before.  I diddn’t like that of course as clearly the dogs and owners who caused the problem should have paid rather than have ne be penalized ,

I did get a Yuma mug for my room. I’d been reusing paper cups making coffee in the microwave and today the cup was leaking .I like coffee and now have a souvenir and something useful while I’m here

I am now at the Press Cafe and Bistro.  Their Cafe Late is excellent, We’re siting on the outdoor deck in the sun.  A local lady said she thought it was cold and she’d hadn’t warmed up all wee. I thought about the food in Vancouver. I’m planning on having a swim this afternoon and lying by the pool side. That will be after the ‘rodeo’ breakfast.   

I like the lightness and freedom of wear. I don’t think of myself as different. It’s just normal and no one seems at odds with this. I’m well dressed. Stylish. Conservative. I no long think of my clothing or appearance as such. It just is and I

Summer Camping Holiday

It was a glorious week. I’d felt very burnt out.  Overwhelmed by aging, government, threat of disease, threat of war.  So much uncertainty. Anxiety and despair in work at an all time high.  Denial rampant. Lies and terror. Each day I began to go through the motions.  Now I feel revived.  Time alone is replenishing in my work.  But also at my age.  My puppy, Madigan, is the greatest companion.

We loaded the truck.  I had au femme clothes and thought anonymity.  I had the Vespa. I picked up the Camper and the dinghy.  I loaded up with gas and water in Chilliwack and stopped to shop for groceries in Hope. I bought bags of ice to help the fridge along. Once it got going it worked just fine.

I changed clothing before Manning Park.  I lost the closed toed sandals and put on the open toed sandals. I had red nail polish pedicure done when I also had my French manicure done. I left the t shirt I was wearing on but donned the wheat coloured cotton skirt with the large buttons up the front.  I had arrived. Rommel red gloss was sinishing touch. The rest of the drive would be a breeze.

I passed Manning Park. The smoke in the air was harsh. The fire just beyond Eastgate was roaring on the mountain. I took a picture from Sunday Summit.  I could see the flames devouring the forest. 

At the Princeton gas station I asked about the fires. So many cars and trailers had been passing me towards the coast I wondered about and exodus.  The attendant said the road north to Merritt had been closed and fires had started by Osooyoos.  I decided to go where I had hoped to find a wilderness camp. As I drove north into the interior I was happy to see no signs of evacuation.  I tried listening to CBC the national radio station that claimed to be local but there was no news and programs playing were from Toronto. 

When I arrived at the campground the ‘site operator’ was there.  I remembered her from previous years as she remembered me.  I doubt she sees many men in skirts out in the wilderness.  

“Site 10 is open and would be perfect for your rig,’ she said.  I paid the Senior rate $7.50 a night.  Then I almost crashed the camper accepting help from a European camper who was tenting with his wife and children in the site next to me. Fortunately he did alert me to the overhanging trees but as I did dent the steps on the metal campfire grill.  

“I tried to warn you,” he said.

“It’s okay, I’m just so glad to have made it.  I’d also taken out some bushes with the scything action of the Vespa carrier on the front of the truck.  It’s like coming into port. I’m always frazzled and it’s that last little rush of activity when actions can happen. Less than might have.  I was thankful.

Now I just set up.  I had to reposition the truck and camper after the help left because it wasn’t level ground.  But with jacks up anf the Vespa off the rack and the dinghy out of he back seat I was there.  I fixed the table and the fan.  After i set up the dinghy I realized I’d forgotten a life jacket. I had the Vespa with Madigan on back. We drove the next day to Princeton and back. It was a great winding highway but the air was bad with smoke.  Still a great ride in the country and I returned with a life jacket.

Each day I was up at 630 am.  No one was up but Madigan and I.  An early morning bikini swim. Otherwise topless.  I’d planned to skinny dip at night but never made it.  I reminisced about youth and good times camping.  In  t shirts and skirts I wrote and then I read summer novels.  

Each day I took the dinghy out with the electric motor.  The first two days I didn’t even bring the fishing rod. It was Madigan’s first boat ride.  He loved it. I had to discourage him from walking about on the top of the tubes. “Inside the boat, Madigan!”  He finally understood. He even settled down enough that I’d be able to take the fishing rod and troll a couple turns of the lake a couple of days.  I don’t have the patience for fishing I had when I was younger.  

I did enjoy reading in the lawn chairs a whole lot. I was camping right on the lake.  The neighbours were at a distance and one had their rig turned away from mine so I never saw them and the father tenting with his daughter were either fishing or off in their car with their dog.  No one bothered me.  I read and swam several time each day and went out in the dinghy daily. I had to charge the boat battery for an hour a day and charged the camper batteries and electronics at the same time.  I had a satellite phone and left a message with friends where I was.  

.

A deer visitted us in our campground. Madigan was fascinated.  

I drove the Vespa with Madigan into the hills one day, enjoying being back country on logging roads.  I’d been up this way shooting grouse in previous years. This time I didn’t bring a rifle , just the camera.





Camping, meals are a big deal.  My last barbecue had rusted out and I replaced it with a new Weber stainless steel one that worked wonders. 

 I also loved making coffee and tea I drank writing and reading.  Carla A  Richards, Sleep when You’re Dead, was the summer find, a brilliant sci fi murder suspense mystery set in Vancouver.  I love writing and journaling and taking pictures. Every day it was walking in the woods with Gilbert going for swims, writing and relaxing.  It was a glimpse of what retirement could be, writing, reading, being in the outdoors. I don’t want to retire yet. I do enjoy my work especially after a much needed break. But I dream of driving my camper on a trip for 3 months just travelling in North America with Madigan writing and wandering.  I’d like to take a sabatical and return to work but this mini break will keep me going for another while.

Finally rain cleared the air.  I packed up the day before I left and had a lovely drive home.  I left at 7 am and was back in the city at 3 pm , having dropped off camper and delivered dinghy to storage locker and unpacked. It’s a half day to a work day to getaway and the same to come back.  I imagine I’ll enjoy going to a luxury hotel one day soon as a contrast to the wilderness outdoor experience. I imagine a trip to Seattle is in order when the borders opens.  It’s good for an overnight or two day visit.  I think most people have those shopping trips but few can know the joy of being in the deep back woods off the grid wilderness camping with all the luxury of home.  Given when i was young at did the back pack and canoeing and snowshoeing and motorcycle wilderness camping time I’m enjoying have this camper luxury and the wilderness.  

Thank you God for such a wonderful vacation.