Yuma, Day 8

It was a wholly productive day of completion of things I wanted to do.  I actually made it to Mexico.  It’s hardly an hour from here. Crossing the border was a non issue.  I was just waved through. Once across the border I was immediately waved into a parking spot by an English speaking man I thought was customs.

‘ What are you here for? ». 

« I want to find a pharmacy for female hormones . »

‘ This is one here, » he replied pointing to essentially the first store across the border ».

He helped me park by holding up traffic while I parked. I had realized by then that he worked for the pharmacy.  

‘What do you want? ». 

« Estrace.  Estradiol, » 

« Yes we have that. »

So just like that I had feminizing hormone pills and more voltairien emolgel cream for my back pain.  

I had left Yuma at 3:30 pm only expecting to look about and here I’d achieved a major goal. I drove about the town.  So many dentists.  A ‘medical tourism’ bus drove by full of old people., I saw so many health care places, cosmetic surgery, Botox, laboratories, laser treatment, physician offices, pain specialists.  By and far the dentists were most represented.  I had not wanted to be in Mexico after dark which begins around 5 pm.  I’d driven about for a half hour seeing that the paved roads were only main thoroughfares and all the others were unpaved sand and gravel. There were no lights so intersections were a bit of a challenge. I think everyone else was wise to the alternating traffic but I had difficulty knowing when I should go and fearful of hitting another car.  However I’m anxious and tend to catastrophize . It all went well but I didn’t want to be doing it in the dark. The trouble was when I went to the border there was a 10 block line up. I don’t know why so many people go to the US at the end of the day but they do. The line moved along just fine, only a half hour, with people walking along trying to sell stuffed toys, toy guns with coat hangers attached, clothing, hats, belts and hot food.  I said no gracias to all.  Madigan stopped barking when they approached the car after the first one.  

At the border I was only asked what I had been doing in Mexico.

‘Buying medication. »

What type?

« Feminizing hormones. » 

« Okay »

I was back in America.  Beside the entrance was a large parking lot where RV’s were. I speculated that people stayed there so they could walk across he border for various treatment like implants which would take days.  There was an opitician offering same day service for making progressive lens at $99 US.  I’d paired several hundred for my last pair so thought about getting another pair of glasses next visit.  

It was night as I returned the short distance to Yuma. The sky was pink with the radiant dessert sunset.  

I stopped at a drive through fast food place, This was a really good soup and sandwich place. I’ve been having burgers and fries since arriving, a couple of meals, and deep fried chicken fingers. No wonder there is an epidemic of obesity in America. I did get some food at Target so have had morning breakfast of sausage and eggs with Best Western , peanut butter sandwiches at noon and a microwave meal or two that was probably healthier. There’s nothing like take out Macdonalds’ for coming hone to watching movies,

Last night it was the Godfather 1 and .2.  The channel changer doesn’t change channels but is stuck on the movie channel and so far I’ve enjoyed the reruns.

My back is slowly improving but I still get excruciated bolts of pain walking. I’m still unsteady on my feet.  I just feel it’s better, steady low grade dull wearying ache and the severest pain with walking especially on uneven ground,  I’ve been doing the back exercises in the « The Essential Lower Back Pain Exercise Guide, by Morgan Sutherland LMT. 

So many of my patients suffer chronic pain and I can appreciate how debilitating it is and how it cause depression.  I was bed ridden the second time my back was injured in a car crash. I still pray for the fellow speeding and being such an irresponsible driver.  I did a 180 pitch pole then a roll another 360 landing the Toyota Corolla upright.  I didn’t believe I could live through a pitch pole and still remember that belief I would die.  I then was shocked to be alive and checked the other  car driver and passenger were fine as they’d gone off the road behind and beside me without rolling or pitch poling, an old boat of a Buick.  

I feel all pain is psychosomatic,  Now I feel I’ve been carrying the world on my shoulder and known so many betrayals mostly by the women in my life but others too. I feel that now I’m being stabbed in the back by government. I’ve been so utterly and deeply disappointed by the Trudeau crime family and their allegiance to Communist China. It’s been overwhelmingly demoralizing.  I’ve listened to countless complaints about the lockdowns and inflation and mostly they are good people. Mostly social work problems and political problems.  Meanwhile I’ve been working from home and while I was walking the dog an going swimming regularly I wasn’t doing enough yoga and tai chi which I’ve done for many years and it’s prevented what I’m feeling now.  My sedentary life style not going out doing less rather than more, coasting, surviving has contributed so much to the present pain. I’ve been in pain for over a year now,  I was eating ibuprofen daily when I took Laura to Europe.  I was uplifted in mood by seeing the highlands and the museums and art galleries of Edinburg, Oxford, London and Paris,  

I’m getting old and feel the aches and pains are increasing and this has been a serious wake up call to my growing limitation, I have a worsening tremor in my right arm add to the back pain.  I’ve hearing aids and glasses with worsenign sight and hearing, I lost a lot of my sense of smell and some of my sense of taste.  I don’t have the enthusiasm or enjoyment or even joie de vivre I once had, On the other hand I’m grateful for a full life though I feel the lack of children and grandchildren,

I realize the church is for family and I’m not willing to be a monk yet. I may any day take that route but I’m entertained by the transgender experience.  I don’t feel safe or valued much as a man.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  I ve been hurt often having sex on top and yet women collectively, older ones especially, seen to not like being on top.  Blow jobs are fine and life is okay but I’m faced with a week of back pain after sex and cialis or viagra leaves me with gastritis and stomach pains and IBS.  Getting old is not for the young. Ive seen a few doctors and they’ve reassured me that it’s not anything worse and encouraged me to keep moving.   

I don’t think it gets better but thankfully it doesn’’t get worse for a while.  I worry about my mood and am pleased that I can lessen the drive to provide and protect. Theoretically I should have sough to have children to give me life and purpose , some younger woman who isn’t filled with Trudeau hatred of family.  Yet I’d tried and enjoy most my older friend. I am one of those single people who identify with the single celibate transgender and older gay folk who being single and celibate aren’t ready to be no sexual and aren’t offended by sexuality and seem to be accepting. I laugh because au femme I’m accepted or avoided whereas au drab I’m routinely hit on or faced with men especially institutional losers bullying,  I am so weary of the bullying I’ve experienced especially wh the the authorities back outright lying psychopaths against me and my idea that I’ve been good serving member of society contributing and not falsely accusing others or bullying. I’m too old to fight and am thankful for ODAAT. I surrender.  I would self castrate like Origen .  My uncastrated dogs aren’t a threat to other dogs in day care but rather the castrated dogs attack him.  The envy is even at the dog level.  I was manly and now the weak men like Justin Trudeau are a scourge on men who are unanimously called ‘radical right wing’ and for me estrogen seems a solution.  Any day now I’ll naturally stop testosterone production and slip into oblivion,  These are stop gap measures,

I thought it funny that I started estrogen on Remembrance Day.  Lest we forget.   Im Klinger,

I loved hearing Elon Musk, when asked what is the greatest risk he sees , and he answered ‘population collapse’.  The whole overpopulation lie was debunked.  I’ve held that position for decades pointing out the catastrophising of the media and government and the constant theft and lies.  Oh well. I sailed and was silent for so much of my life, in the wilderness.  Fool on the hill or monk.  

It’s been a good life and new chapter is beginning for now. I don’t know. Today I do the next right thing and what feels right.  I’m believing I’m continuing to contributing. I’m still being of service.  There is overt scarcity but mostly because of Marxist mismanagement rather than the actual case. It’s has long been apparent that we have a ‘peace time army’ of expanding management layers and layers of incompetence with the front line workers like myself overburdened, understaffed and blamed.  

I tend to self pity.  I tend to catastrophisme. I know so many who are partying because they are rewarded beyond their competence while we who know are expected to be perfect lead by leaders who don’t lead but rather order and stand at the back shooting any who slacken .  

I have a resentment to authority.  Governnent killed Jesus.  

All is God.

I ask for God’s will, I’ve meditated today and prayed.  I am now going to shower and dress.  Poor madigan hasn’t been out for a walk. I may have to get some sweats or shorts for that task. I only brought summer dresses and have to shower before I take him out. A hoodie might allow me to do that task before showing,  Today I even had a coffee after shaving and doing exercise on my Matt. I had to take ibuprofen to stand in the shower.  Standing has been painful, Thankfully sitting isn’t painful and I’ve been able to do virtual work. There’s some pain after sitting too long, Getting out of the car is difficult.  But now I’ve had a coffee and three ibuprofen I’m ready to shower. I might even be able to get breakfast. It’s Saturday so I’ve broken from the routine i have during the workdays.  

He’s so excited when I put on his leash and he loves to go out with me,

Shower then dress and dog walk if the pain isn’t too bad