Thursday, February 9, 2012

Breaking "Bad Relationship" Addiction

The hardest thing about getting healthy is giving up all the unhealthy things that one is attracted to.  In relationhships one has to accept that their "picker" is broken and they will choose abusive relationships because that is their tendency. It's no different from children picking with diabetes and hypertension being left to pick the food they find most tasty. Naturally they will pick sugar and salt both of which are unhealthy.
People who have had bad relationships are 'attracted' to bad relationships and find 'good' relatioships 'boring', 'bland', 'dull', 'unexiting', 'not sexy', ie 'unnattractive.'
Healthy relationships don't involve all the 'drama' of the soap opera set. People who are good in relationships don't sleep with your sister or boss because they're angry with you. They don't punch you in the mouth. They don't send pictures of you in sexually offensive positions to the internet. They don't phone your place of work and say that you are a pedophille when you aren't. They don't tell the customs agent you're a terrorist.  They don't bring over friends that make bombs in the basement. They don't ask you to store their stolen drugs or stolen cars. 
Healthy people are really rather dull and boring by comparison to all the other 'exciting' people who have a shallow superficial attaction.
People who make their money through hard work don't throw it away.  "Big Spenders" and "High Rollers" are commonly 'criminals' because their 'money' often coming from 'ill gotten' means was 'easy come, easy go'. 
Normal people like 'gifts' but question 'largesse'.
If the girl or guy has sex with you the first night they probably will have sex with Adolf Hitler or Ava Brawn the first night. It's not because you're so attractive, it's because they're cheap or loose or make bad choices like you do.
Good relationships are 'simmered' like a good stew. Don't burn the roast.  They don't have to be eatten right off the stove.  Let them cool a bit and the flavour will keep.
Yet if you've gone out with a woman who stole from you then you will often be attracted to a woman who steals.  Attractions are linked.  Pavlov showed that ringing bells and giving dogs steaks resulted in them salivating when they heard bells.  If I have sex with a person who steals I will be attracted sexually to thiefs. If I have sex with a woman who in rage attacks beats the crap out of me I will be attracted to women who are dominatrix material.  If a girl has sex with a man who intermittently beats her she will be attracted to men who have that 'look' that normal women shy away from. Abusive men and women have a certain 'immaturity'. They're not socialized or toilet trained and adults don't 'choose' them because adults want healthy relationships so avoid men and women who do drugs and alcohol and crime and all that exciting sexy stuff.
So make a list of 10 minimum requirements in a mate.
It's not rocket science.
1) She or he doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem.  You go out on enough dates to see if they do drugs or alcohol peculiarly before you have sex.  You ask questions and you listen to stories. 
2) You avoid people who are 'victims'.  It's a pretty big clue if the guy or girl was beat up psychologically or physically by all their previous partners. Figure you'll be the next 'abuser' because immature people see themselves always as victims, and children and never accept 'their part in it'. 
3) Ask about previous break ups and beware of cliches. "we didn't get along",  "we weren't right for each other'.  "he wasn't ready for committment'. These are the new politically correct ways of saying he or she was a jerk. The "paranoid position' , otherwise called 'immaturity' is 'I'm right, they're not".  Watch for people who tell stories in the "I'm right , they're not" or the variation "I 'm okay, we're weren't'". Find out what the longest relationship was. This indicates clearly the 'distance a person can do'. It's like their 'marathon' capacity.  I have the fondest memory of a woman I knew for 6 months.  She had a history of 6 month relationships, I'm more like 10 years myself, but she was superb for 6 months, a terrific sprinter. But like a sportscar she broke down on the NASCAR before the first pit stop. 
4) Dont' read women's or men's magazines about relationships. They are written usually for losers.  This is written for losers.  The best way to know about good relationships is to spend time with people who have good relationships and ask them about their long term deep committed relationships.  People who say they want long term deep committed relationships are commonly liars. They really want sprinters and sportscars but they say they're looking for a long haul truck. Right!  Women and men lie equally.  No gender or race or religion has a monopoly. Stop being sexist and racist.  Accept your own failures and successes and admit to your own limitations. People who are successful in relationships choose someone with common goals and then do what successful people do.  My friend who is one of the most long term committed successes I know told me the most absurd thing I've ever heard about relationships. "I dont' argue with my wife" he said.  I always argued with my now divorced wives. What a bizarre man.  Yet if that's the 'counter intuitive thing' that works maybe I should try it. 
5) Don't listen to people with less years of relationship experience.  People who do are downright silly.  If you want to fly you don't listen to a tree climber about how to drive a plane.  Relationships are skill sets. Everyone can be good at a one night stand. Look at all the losers in Hollywood. They make it look good even. They even make a virtue of necessity. Lots of losers there but in fairness the business of Hollywood is intrinsically anti marriage and anti family.  So it's not surprising few Hollywood marriages are compared with Billy Graham or Queen Elizabeth or Hillary Clinton.  Quality and quantity go hand in hand.  "Strange" makes for good short term relationships.  It's actually biological and driven by a cocaine like substance in the saliva that wears off after months or at most a year or two. After that marriage and relationships are 'committments'. They often don't 'feel' good and most people in long term committed deep relationships have had many times when they didn't "think' it was a good idea.  Women talk about 'committment' alot but their track record is as bad if not worse than men. Much of 'feminism' was 'social communism' and attracted women by saying they were the 'proletariat' and men were the 'bourgeoisie'. Feminist died when half the women were rich and abusive to men and overnight the whole 'communist paranoid ideology' fell with the Berlin wall.   Beware of idealogues of any kind.  These are people who argue with a lawyer on their shoulder.  If you disagree they will quote scripture, Marx, or their mother to prove you're wrong. Normal people disagree and agree to disagree without chopping the heads off others to make themselves right. In relationships both people are commonly wrong and together usually get it right.
6) Divorce is failure. The first baby of a relationships is the relationship.  It takes two to divorce. If you are divorced you killed the baby.  You're a baby killer.  If you say the other guy killed the baby then admit you picked the wrong baby sitter and ultimately are responsible for the death.
7) Acknowledge 'fault' but don't wallow in guilt.  The trouble with the legal system and "Deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie" religion there in is that if someone doesn't admit wrong in building the bridge bridges keep getting built that fall down. So commonly in relationships people keep picking the same ninja over and over again and complaining about being attacked in the night by Bruce Lee. 
8) Once you have a list of minimum requirements, priorize the list.  Yes I want a 6 foot tall partner but not if they have a history of serial murder.  On the other hand if the fellow I like is Danny De Vito and I want a 6 foot talk guy Danny's sense of humor (hilarious) may swing the equation. But this should be considered' raltionally' because I can't trust my 'emotions' because they are 'damaged' by bad relationships. I always have to consider that I'm prone to make mistakes if I have had relationships previously that weren't what I wanted. They may well have been what I needed but in getting needs and wants connected I have to seriously look with humility at my choices.
9) People are most commonly disappointed by unrealistic expectations.  Not surprisingly I've found women in general lacking when I compare them with Angelina Jolie as a  'brand'.  For all I know Angelina beats Brad in the bed room but her 'brand' is not helpful if I compare 'real women' against that. 
10) Real people are a gestault. They are a package.  When people argue they commonly isolate one trait rather than seeing it in context. If we did this is sports even the best football player or hockey star would be found lacking somewhere in the play. A great baseball hitter may be a poor catcher and still end up in the hall of fame. When I see ugly people together I just assume they probably are amazing in bed or maybe one is a great parent or a good cook. It's something that's the glue and I don't criticize other relationships and try especially not to criticize my partners these days.  People who criticize their partners should accept that they bought the lemon and don't really know what's a good person so if they get rid of the lemon are most likely to get another.
11) Co dependents Anonymous is a good organization to start addressing relationship issues without spending an arm and a leg.
12) Better to do marriage therapy when a good relationship falters than to talk ad infintum with a counsellor about relationships when single. It's good for the counsellors but it's like doing a lot of time in ground school when a person's real problems are flying the plane.  Get on a horse and then get advice about riding but don't pick the mean horse.  For that a counsellor can help you.  Get advice on how to fix the picker.  One fixes the picker by going out with 'unnattractive people' .  It's like learning to eat non greasy food. At first it tastes bland and unnattractive then after a while you wonder how you could ever eat that greasy shit.  You act your way in to right feeling and right thinking but it all begins with the acceptance that you've a broken 'picker' and the problem lies within not without.  Change and the world changes with you. 

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