Transgender

I remember I tried on my mother’s bra once as a teen. I had a part in the school play in which I played the lead male part, as a woman, an English comedy.  My mother stuffed an old bra and sewed it up for me.   I remember the guys in the cast didn’t care less but the young girls, awkward in their own development.  I was first called gay when I defended women’s desire to wear pants to school in 40 below. They were expected to wear snow suits and change.  I was on the executive school council and just saw it as egalitarian. I didn’t have to wear pants and change to skirts at school.  Some wore skirts in 40 below.  Today I’d like to change to a skirt for work but then I just didn’t think girls should be treated differently regarding dress.  The principle and teachers weren’t terribly concern. But the girls were called together to have a vote and the Vice President of the school executive, my nemesis, a traditionalist, who publically called me gay and said I wanted to see women wearing pants and that it was a sexual fetish of Bill Hay. I was quite shocked when my girlfriends at the time , the lead cheer leader, who went onto be a lawyer told me this.  I was not at all interested in boys. I was totally interested in girl. 

 Meanwhile I’ve been publicly denounced as homosexual , falsely accused, when I just thought girls and boys should be treated equally. As far back as I can remember I was an egalitarian.  

I was in theatre and played a corpse and a potted plant as well. I also played kings and warriors and sales men and religious characters. I did improvisational theatre and played women in Benny Hill fashion, mocking, asexual but with fun.  I always had a girlfriend back then and was solely obsessed with her and her smell and her sex.  I would go on to enjoy a couple of decades of marriage and would have likely stayed married if the women hadn’t stopped having sex.  In a monogamous relationship where sex outside of marriage can cause major loss and punishment it’s easy to do seige warfare in the bedroom. Women have excelled at this .  Passive aggressive and all manner of drama.  Mostly there’s legitimate reasons. As a doctor I’ve listened to thousands of women and seen hundreds of marriages and it’s a minority that play these games.  At least a third of adults and marriages are remarkably blessed.  

I don’t think I was born gay. I’d say the best experience and love I’ve known has been with a sensually sexual inspired committed woman. I look back with pleasure and wonder remembering the women I was with, the marriages and long term girlfriends.  I would honestly say I knew nirvana or heaven on earth in bed with female lover for most of my life. Decades of desire. 

But frankly I got tired over time of the lies and lack of interest.  

I wanted family and children and married with those spoken intent. I stated my desires repeatedly and was told ‘tomorrow’, ‘later’, and , well, I loved that a Christian has only to turn his cheek 40 x 40.  That’s a limit. That’s not ‘unconditional’.  I am long suffering. I am understanding.

The first time I hospitalized a guy he’d punched me three times in the face and I took his best saying, “you should stop’.  He didn’t. I k’o’d him with one punch and his jaw was dislocated. The girls there were angry with me ‘hurting’ him. The little shit had attacked me. This was adolescence for men. He wanted the girl who was talking to me. She wasn’t his girlfriend. He had this delusion.  He thought that if he got rid of me, she’d like him. So he attacked me.  I had this happened a dozen more times and each time I took the hit and waited then responded so I wouldn’t be injured. Now I’m old I don’t want to take hits.

Women hit your reputation. That’s their strategy. I’m sure men do equally bad for women but the media always plays the female part and to listen to CBC the girl is perfect. Teh courts repeatedly play the Marxist card, the Man is the Oppressor and the Woman is the Oppressed. It’s such simplistic stupidity that it reflects so badly on society to consider how stupid so many people are that they believe such reductionist rubbish.  

Yet ‘chivalry’ was the idea of the protection of the mother and the virgin. The religious celebration of the woman’s central uniqueness, her ability to create life with a little help from her friends.  Marx rejected that.  He saw boys as girls as interchangeable ‘economic units’. Today all the rage is a girl who became a man who had a baby. I like it. I think it’s great.  

I wouldn’t mind if the courts were living in the 21st century.

I’ve been falsely accused by female psychopaths. I had a patient that jailed several men and when she was caught self harming to make her stories the courts refused to address the misjustice.  AT least in France the women who falsely accuse men go to jail but here the communist courts revel in anything that empowers the courts ‘with ‘he said/she said’ or ‘he said/he said ‘ or ‘she said/she said’ judgements serving the hierarchy and the dictatorship of Trudeau and the Comunist liberal party. I abhor this and the pseudo legal ignorant perverts who side with women as ‘victim’ in these cases.

Because that’s how losers get fucked. They take the side of the psychopath women and are rewarded for their lying support.

It’s all sick.

When a man fucked me that was it. 

When I dress as woman men don’t general want me and women don’t want me and we laugh at the old transvestites isolation.  When I dress and walk and act ‘manly’, I’m hit on daily by women and men. It’s not because I’m ‘something’. It’s not egotism. It’s just a ‘state’.  A number of transgender men and women have described the same phenomena.

The misinformation about cross dressers is rife. The majority of cross dressers are heterosexual, 90 per cent.  

Mostly Ive defended and advocated for women.  Mostly I’ve helped the ‘underdog’. It’s only when the ‘narrative’ doesn’t fit the legal burearocratic fashion of the month that problems arise.  The abuse my male patients have taken who were sexually abused by women is phenomenal.  The problem is that they are stigmatized and ridiculed and abused by the female care givers and the girls whereas when a girl is raped or incestuously abused men comfort. The demand on men to be ‘manly’ makes the demand on women to be ‘sexy’ look minuscule in comparison.  

I liked wearing a red dress to church. I liked being out wth the mayor in a gown. I think I like the ‘drama’ of it and the ‘anonymity’.  I only relax as a doctor when I’m out of the country. When I leave the province I feel ‘safe’. I’ve responded to dozens and dozens of emergencies as a Good Samaritan all over the world, some half dozen in flight life saving events. I’ve been the first responder to several massive accidents. I can stilll see the fractured femur sticking through the thing of a motorcycle accident I was first at. I compartmentalize them. I’ve saved countless lives. I’ve talked hundreds out of their suicidal lives in recent years.  I sailed oceans and done my time in the terrible cold of the north, stalked by polar bear, freezing near death after a ski doo went through the ice on a mercy mission.

I loved being a doctor.I loved being a physician. I loved being a psychiatrist. I love being an addictionist.  I know the stress. I miss the ‘gp mode’. When I do ‘psychopharmacology’ I go back to that ‘triangulation’ mode. Where I look down on the patient from my mode of parent or adult and invalidate them as a ‘sick child’ to use the language of transactional analysis. I can keep my boundaries then. I can hide behind my walks and moat and shout across a safe distance what a person can do. I ‘m kind of like a car parts person.  Yes, we have that drug.  This is the pharmacist.

I have had to deal with nincompoops in authority who have no knowledge of anything more and they have cowardly gone to the policing administrative mode so they can be ‘untouched, so they can be protected’ in their ivory tower, space station, big gun defended reality. They tell us to be like them. They act like lawyers and Beurocratic. They’ve identified with the aggressor. They’ve left the profession and switched sides. The role of the ‘healer’ isn’t that of a lawyer or an administrator. The ‘healer’ opens themselves to ‘feel’ the pain. The risk is ever present. It’s why we had to learn to take the guns from the soldiers when they came for medical care. Too many doctors and nurses were killed.

Don’t talk about sex , they 18th century Luddite says to the doctor whose practice is all about sex.  That’s what’s wrong . That’s what transexuals and marital problems and vaginalsSTD’s is about.

Be safe.  He says hiding in his suit behind his big desk, a frightened litttle boy who is so desperately sad and ashamed.  What is he hiding I ask but I must remain deep inside.  

To feel the pain I touch the patient. Don’t touch. Video. Phone. Don’t touch.  The world is going legal and Beurocratic. We’re backing into the distance where we can shell the other people. Don’t hug. Don’t shake hands.

We donh’t think surgeons should touch their patients but we have a lot of our people watching them at all times.

The problem is the Courts and the Administration. I have stopped hundreds from suiciding. I have caused the psychotic to prefer reality. I’ve identified dozens of pedophiles and stopped their disease. I’ve done all that and now I’m old.

i want a new identity. But I like being a physician and a psychiatrist and an addictionist. But I feel comfortable in a skirt. I feel comfortable with a dog with me. I’m afraid.

Women have told collectively that they hate men and that men have failed them. They voted for a non man. They voted for a Trudeau.  The women I know didn’t stop their sisters and girlfriends from voting Eva Brawn. They don’t take responsibility. Men die. Women Cry. So what if Trudeau is destroying men in Canada . He’s got his hidey hole bought in Packistan.  He’s made friends from Epstein’s Island. I have nothing. I’m alone here with a dog and I’d rather be a girl.

I don’t think of sex with girls any more. I must be depressed. Thousands of times I’ve shared the exuberance of playing in bed with the beautiful naked women I’ve known.  In marriage it’s been 8 years of bliss and 2 years of hell.  I look at the sexual life with women and it’s been 90% great but I can’t stand the rejection anymore. 

When I’m naked with a man it’s clear what is wanted. There’s no lie in the orgasm. The mutual masturbation creates the truth of ejaculation. There’s the evidence. Objective.  We thank each other. The girl aborts the baby she said she wanted. She says that she never had an orgasm. She said she lied.  It’s evil. 

I lost my faith with the last psychotic false allegation and lie.  “He said he wanted to kill me and my dog”.  I’m the victim but no, the authorities said I must have done something to ‘upset him’.  

I refused to lie for her and say she could never work again in her life. I said I’d say she couldn’t work from year to year but she was a young woman , a lying , psychopathic, psychotic, malingering evil bitch, and she made a litany of lies in spite and to punish me because that’s all she knows. She and her family are the lowest of low in a culture that knows her deficit as ‘normal for them.’ It’s like the old campbells They are hardly out of the tribal phase. She’s tribal. Primitive. A barbarian. And our courts are choosing barbarian lies over truth. I did my job. I told the truth.

I told the truth and refused to write that the urine test was clean when it was full of drugs and they killed my dog. Murdered him.  

When the Communist come into a country they kill the men who are a threat. They imprison all the men. They rape the women and employ the children. The Moghuls in India, killed all the men, raped all the women and put the children into the army.

Our government administrators prefer lies.  Mob violence.  I’m old. I don’t want to be beaten physically again. If rape is inevitable better to lie back and enjoy it. I’m too old to have children. I have no children to protect. I think people are safest furthest away from me because I’ve disagreed with the Holy of Holy Trudeau. I’ve disagreed with Mao and Hitler and Stalin and Lenin and their friends. I believe in God. 

Christians are persecuted. Thankful my Christian community doesn’t care if you have sex with men or women. Just leave the kids and dogs alone. Everyone cared about the priests but no one cared about the communist leaders or the Imans.  I love God.  I know Jesus didn’t talk about sex.  If it was the big deal the church perverts have made it it would be front and centre.  It wasn’t.  Maybe for the orthodox jews but I can love Christ, I can be a Celtic Christian and no one says I’m less if I’m gay or straight or celibate. We laugh as transgendered at how often we are celibate compared to the randy gay and straight men.  The transgendered woman calls herself a ‘nun’ since her transition. My diesel mechanic friend who transitioned lost all interest in sex. He’s worse than an old woman. 

Jesus talked about children.  

Jesus talked about love.

I love the gospels.

I don’t drink.  I found that when i hung out with people who drank every night was an opportunity for sex. I miss the jazz club and the women I danced with there and shared time with.  The women of jazz and blues are a special kind of gal.  Down to earth.  Loving. Sexual and they loved their wine and cigarettes and music and dance and they loved to have sex.  I miss the dance world sometimes .The whole physicality of sex. None of the intellectualism and the political sterility of the feminist sexist sex. That ideological nightmare. Whose doing what in the power.

I’m tired of the work of sex. I’m tired of being on top. My back hurts. I used to be a cowboy , rode horses like Man from Snowy River. Great expeditions on horseback. Now I’m riding a Harley. I miss the horses.  I miss my grandad and dad and my brother and that whole world of being in the woods with men and relying on each other. I miss the moose hunts and the guys. I miss making igloos in the archive and snowshoeing and all that survival.

Now I want someone to feed me grapes. I make my own coffee. I can keep my hat on. I am in the think of people’s lives. I’m listening for what makes them tick. I hear the sound of quiet desperation. I’m daily giving out pills to ease the pain of existence. I know ennui and dysthymia. I don’t breeze by them in 5 minute and 15 minute stretches. I sat listening for years to hundreds week after week. Now I do consults. I’m a factory. I make the diagnosis and recommend the treatment. I still spends more time with so many people than anyone else in their lives. They’re mostly alienated. I talk with one older woman and I’m the only person in years whose actually given her more than five minutes of time at a time .50 minutes.  I’ m in her pain for 50 minutes. I’m in her knots.  When I worked in oncology and saw so many dying people as consultation psychiatry in hospital I just sat with dying people. They were so alone. The bedside nurses were all stolen by the administrators who are insatiably needed. The patients were stripped of the presence of nurses.  They died alone. I sat with them. 

Now with Covid no one has to see the mockery of the once great health care system under liberalism. There’s no doctors and nurses, but there are philosopers and intellectuals and offices galore. The whole game is ‘rename’.  If your thing is ‘politics’ reinvent yourself as ‘medieval politics’ and get the money people put into the health care. The healthcare pie is long eaten by administrations . 

94% of the Navy are unhappy with the present preparedness. “I’m treated as a black woman and the colour of my skin is what the Navy is all about today but if we get hit by a missile I and everyone else does down with the ship except all those people teaching sensitivity and their fashion of the month…..I want to live. I joined the Navy to be prepared to fight the enemy not spend my life talking about shoes.”

I’m interested in shoes now. 

I love sandals. 

I don’t like winter.

I don’t like the rain or snow anymore.

I don’t like overclothes. I don’t like parkas

I like wearing loose cotton shifts.  It’s that or shorts or a sarong. I am tired of suits despite liking the pockets. 

I”ve done another load of laundry. I roasted coffee yesterday.  Mostly these days I like to read.  I think it’s escapist readings, westerns, beach books.  I go to meetings. I don’t share much because I don’t know. I’m at total variance with my government. I may as well be living in Nazi Germany, that’s how far away from what Trudeau says, represents, wants and I’m afraid that I’ve never realized how different I’ve been and how alone I am. 

I have all these male skills. Ivan Illich wrote the book Gender and essentially showed that till the 50’s there was egalitarianism for the vast majority. The women collectively liked being home and raising kids. Most women like home. Most women like children.  School teachers continue to come out at the top of those who do best with being a wife. Family was so important to so many. My mother loved her family and her life.  She was a homemaker.  She loved she was a mother.  She’d been an executive assistant and could have done that . She’d been and continued to work part time as a journalist and had no desire to leave the home and work full time in business. She loved my father. She ‘s like 50% of women today and 90% of women yesterday. Men and women are mostly good .The bad men and women are made all the bigger by the arrogance of the courts and media. The data from women’s studies was false and skewed. The movement to evict women’s studies from the university is strong simply because of the recurrent evidence of deceit. It’s like having the UN women’s committee being all Muslim men.  The irony is rife.

I’m confused in my journal. In my life I do the next right thing and carry on. I volunteered for three hours and served my community this week. I paid my taxes .I did my work. I paid the rent. I did what my teachers taught me. But I was once supported fully for help[ing people be the best they can be. Today I’m told that euthanasia is good and pushing drugs is good and cheap is best.  I’m doing the next right thing but I live in fear that again I’ll be attacked .

I miss the comfort that those people who were seen a Nuremberg have. The ‘silent majority’. The comfort in being thought by the authorities to not being a threat. The folks who took the gas’s to the camps.  I’ve been politically incorrect.

Political people need constant reassurance and live for praise.

I just want to be left alone.  I live to get away alone in the woods.  When I reported the doctor sexually abusing or the doctor killing his patients. I was punished.  I’m afraid of the authorities. Men with suits and titles and guns and such, they killed God.  Who am I to be a martyr. I’d just like to lie down and get fucked. Today I d not care if I was castrated.  I don’t even cling to life like I once did. I want to go on because my dog cares for me. I’m better than the alternative . I ‘m okay. I’m less bad than bad.  I’m clean.  I don’t poop in the streets like Trudeau’s friends.  I don’t kill people . I am a typical white middle class, now lover middle class male who has served his country and fellow man for half a century doing the equivalent of three jobs in the most dangerous and least attractive area and been paid a third of what I was told and at the end of the day am afraid.  Every day the media shouts out Trudeau’s hatred for me. They burn our churches. The dead beat dads. The bad men. The constant attacks from CBC.  Condemned. 

I’m weary.  I call journaling squishing the pus out of my head. When I write it down . I leave it. It’s here. I don’t think of it the rest of the day. I carry on. I keep on trucking. 

I pray. I meditate. I talk to God. Here I’m talking to God too.  I’m asking why bad things happen to good people,.  I’m asking what next. What is thy will and how can I carry it out. I’m present.  

I have important meetings to attend today. I’d thought to get my nails done but there’s no time.  I must put on slacks and suit up and show up later today.  So I’ll get back to reading Baldacci and have  another coffee.  I’ll have to walk the dog again. Maybe lie in the sun.

I’ve a great life. It’s just the mind that’s the problem The lawn chair is there and I could have been lying drinking in the sun rather than twisting my brain around in torment.  I used to go to psychotherapists weekly for years, to be a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and then to deal with the trauma.