Sexuality

I certainly wasn’t wanting to be a girl when I was a boy. I did feel alien a lot. Sometimes that was because I liked doing things girls did and that was ‘taboo’.  There were ‘gender lines’.  I really liked playing with my teddy bears and Mom did make clothing for my teddy bear. I was ‘corrected’ by my parents and the parents of the girl who liked playing dolls with me with my teddy bear.

“It’s an affectionate scene, isn’t it?” He said.  

“Yes, we were two children playing together and she had this vivid imagination. We made up stories with our ‘characters’, my ‘hear boy’ and her Barbie doll.”

“Kind of like  King Kong and Ann Darrow?”

“Yes but much more prosaic.  She had her dressed to the nines Barbie doll making breakfast and ‘Billy the Bear’ eating her breakfast. She really was just going through the story of her Mother’s Day and I was accompanying her.  That was our play.  Maybe there were some adventures, liking going for a hike or something like that.  We’d talk and then have the bear and doll going through the motions. It was innocent. But her father talked to my father and our friendship ceased. We smiled at each other in school. I was about 10.”

“I had all these guy friends, my best friend and other friends and my brother. There was no shortage of guy things to do. I bicycled everywhere in the summer. I loved bicycle adventures exploring the neighborhood and country. I played sports, hockey, gymnastics, and shot. I was odd in things like shooting. My father hunted and we hunted with him and the other kids didn’t do that. My father repaired everything and we repaired everything too and my friends parents weren’t ‘handy’ as we called it back then. Dad was always working on cars and built his garage and made a speed boat out of wood, and poured cement to make patios.  I was forever his assistant along with my brother Ron. That made us different from other kids.  When they asked what we did on the weekend. ‘

“Anything else.”

“Church. My mother was a ‘staunch Baptist’. I don’t know why we called it a ‘staunch’ Baptist but that was the phrase. When we moved from Fort Rouge to Fort Garry she wouldn’t move to another church till years lady. She didn’t drive and Dad drove the family every Sunday morning to the Trinity Baptist church.  We attended Boy Scouts there and I eventually became president of the youth group and later president of the Amalgamated Baptist Church groups.  My involvement in church really did differentiate me from the community though we had a Catholic Church, Anglican and United church nearby.  The kids didn’t talk of church but I did.  

I was moved most by a missionary from India.

I prayed. I had religious experiences as a child, feeling the presence of God and angels.  Seeing the holy face of God and Virgin Mary. When I was alone they came to me, this holy couple and said ‘do not be afraid. You are not alone.’  The room would fill with light and I’d know peace and wonder about being in this world where I fell ill at ease, different. This would occur when my parents were arguing. The Kennedy Missile Crisis was probably the time I saw God most.  Reassured and comforted.I have the most beautific dreams. I’d not talk to anyone about that. I’m comforted today by the memories.

I don’t know what the other kids were doing but this idea that kids are all doing the same things is so wrong.  I played hockey and my best friends didn’t.  We all had our own pursuits. When I joined the YMCA gym team that’s when I had a real sense of belonging. Don McQuaig made a home away from home for boys. We would talk in his office when I was a Youth Leader. I was having the same leadership experiences in the church. Church camps were especially important. I loved our youth advisor from St. Vital Baptist. He and his wife were such a gift. We’d discussed the Bible with them and the meaning of life. They were always reassuring. Uplifting.  

The YMCA was so important and so central to my life from 12 to 18.  Such a few years but there I was doing swimming and gymnastics and martial arts and the leaders program and then summer camp.  I met Jon there. Jon taught me guitar. Jon was Unitarian and would become Vice President of the Unitarian Youth Group of North America.  I was writing by Gr. 9.  It was in gr 10 and 11 Karen and I would put out the high school poetry book. I would get involved in the Manitoba Theatre School in high school and start the St. Vital Baptist Church Coffeehouse and then the YWCA ‘Wise Eye’ Coffee house. The girls youth group called me to ask me to help them and that’s how I would become the MC and organized the show,

“The girls and I will take care of admission and beverages, set up and take down, We just want you to handle everything about the stage and advertising. Will that be an okay split of responsibilities. “. I said ‘sure’. In those days I was very positive and glad to try anything.  She was much more organized 

Ken Nattress who’d help with the St. Vital Baptist Church coffee house was playing a lot of folk guitar and there was now Jon. I had helped organized the first ‘Viscout Alexander Sock hop’ when I was on the Student Council Executive and we’d got Danny Donahue to play his first gig at Viscount Alexander.  I’d get beat up for being a tall poppy. The bad boys started smashing up the gym and I asked them to stop. Later they’d gang up on me. It was ‘the best of times and the worst of times’.  I was doing a lot of fighting back then. I defended all my friends the nerds and misfits. I really didn’t like these mean kids who liked to start fights to challenge themselves.  I became the ‘guy to beat’ in gr 9. The ‘billy the kid’ guy and all these kids who wanted to fight would suddenly attack me. I don’t have this weird streak. It’s another thing that differentiated me from other guys. I didn’t have this ‘meaness’. I didn’t like to hit little kids. I never hurt children or girls but there were these guys who relished it.  I remember MacDonald liked hurting guys in junior years and I stopped him. I was always breaking up fights. Meanwhile we were having snow ball fights and playing murder ball and all that. But I had this inherent ‘cowboy fair’ idea. I remember Kirk and I having this ‘code’ and that often I’d be ‘ganged up on.’  I was knifed in Gr. 9 or Gr. 10 and couldn’t talk about it.  I’ve the scar today. I had trouble stopping the bleeding and worried about blood on the sheets so wrapped a t towel I threw out.  

Because I was the summer at Camp Stevens YMCA camp and hunting and fishing, I just grew, all the canoeing and chopping wood and climbing through bush and tenting added to the home and Scouts and I became a different kid, bigger than a lot of the bullies and certainly stronger. Summers of Gr 8 and Gr 9 changed me. I even defended our home teacher from the weasel kid who clipped with brass knuckles while I tossed him with an impressive judo throw. I was learning jump kicks by gr 10 and would KO several assailants. Nothing more satisfying than kicking a guy attacking you in the head and he never saw it coming. I was horseback riding too. Grand dad had a ranch and the summer I used to exercise a local stables horses weekly. It was a great summer. Dad took us to the Calgary Stampede,  We always had this country flavour which the city kids mocked.  Kirk was up at Minaki during the summer and I’d hang out with Jamie.  One summer I’d join Kirk for a couple of weeks and we’d have the daily camp routine morning swimming and breakfast then the day of exploring the wilderness.  We were all over the back country with our hand made spears and knives sometimes canoeing but mostly just hiking about sneaking up on birds. Rather Mark Twain.  Two boys out with the wolves and bear. Can’t imagine parents today. We’d be gone till supper Sometime’s Kirk’s mother would pack a sandwich.  Really. It was total wilderness. An occasional cabin along the lake but we were way in the back woods.  

I don’t know what changed. Kirk’s mom trusted us and God and the wilderness and my mom trusted the same because in the city I’d be gone all day on my bicycle all over the city and way out in the country. Wherever I could reach in a day and get back that’s where I bicycled.

I spent a lot of time alone but had these great friends, Kirk, Jamie and in the church Doug who became a minister and Jon who became a soft ware engineer. I’d had the group of friends in Volleyball. For 4 years starting in Gr. 9 till Gr 12 I played volleyball every morning before school with a group of guys. That was Kirk. He loved volleyball and we’d play together in the back land setting up the ball and spiking .  Our team would win the provincial championship. I’d come third in the provincial long vault in gymnastics too.  Student council executive, Athlete. Outdoorsman. Academically it was all easy and mom taught me typing and soon I was typing the poetry and songs I wrote.  Then the coffee houses and the next group of friends, The Theatre school friends.  In Junior high I’d dated Kathy who loved to dance and we’d be over in her basement playing pool at her dad’s table and dancing up a storm. There was a whole lot of necking but even ‘petting’ was a no.  I was excited by touching her bra.  But we had Kirk’s older brother’s playboys and Garth was alive then. He’d died and later another friend would die and there was sadness in a different way with loss. I lost my grandmother and I had that remorse because I loved her but I felt badly for the times her prescience bothered me, this kindly gnarled old arthritic lady my mom loved so much.  

I don’t recall life ever being as busy and involved as junior high and highs school. Even summer growing flowers with my gardener mother and brother and competing in the horticultural society.

I’ve seen thousands of patients over the years and always been amazed at how so many were not involved. Then I’d find these ‘clique’s’. There was the mainsteeam even, Hogue the gym coach favoured football  in high school but we were the gym team and I convinced the guys to form a cheerleading gymnastic team. We did a few time and Keith Carter who went onto be the Canadian gymnast and competed in the Olympics was the centre piece with us having a whole lot of fun with the cheerleaders. I was dating this gorgeous cheerleader who went onto be a lawyer.

But then the coffeehouse world and the theatre school took over and gr11 I’d been student council executive but more and more moving away from the school activities.  I met Nina at the Manitoba Theatre school, a year older and attending the University of Winnipeg High School,. Totally exotic.  Wearing John Lenin glasses before everyone. That became my group. The kids from the theatre school. Just like the kids from Kathy’s basement pool dance party, and from the YMCA leader’s corp had been and to some extent a mix of kids from high school. But this group we’d meet several nights a week and drink tea and talk. Huey. And the gorgeous blond, Kathy’s best friend.  Nina’s brother.  There was 6 of us and we’d be so interested in theatre and god and UFO’s and Stanislavsky and experience and music and movement. God it was so intense and involved. I had loved being part of the leader’s group in the YMCA and the church group and the student council. Wes and Rob were great guy. But I really came alive in theatre. We loved ‘guerilla theatre’.  I became the many parts of myself and understood in ‘improvisational theatre’ the whole of possibilities. I started an improvisational theatre group and we did gigs around the city, fashion shows, coffee houses.  I remember Huey was my first gay friend.  I was surprised when he shared that. I was never attracted to men but Kathy was all I could think of . Nina was angelic. I could smell her perfume blocks away and would go looking for her. White Shoulders.  She was so exotic. I guess I felt the way Lenin felt for Yoko,  Everything was good in her presence. She was a seamstress.  She was the first girl I knew naked and it was heaven. Truly heaven.  

I was going to be a playwrite I loved the theatre.  I loved watching what I read become alive on stage.  I loved music and dance. The whole world of theatre was alive and fun.  I loved especially the ideas of everyone and everything being within and just needing to draw it out.  The whole idea of multiple personalities and characters within and playing out. Chekhov and Stanislavsky and all that theatre experience of character. I’d later study psychodrama and do psychodrama and it was all relatively tame compared to the rich experience of the theatre. In theatre people were exploring themselves. Like Kirk and I out in the wilderness. Or me on a bike. Now in therapy we were trying to coax a person to explore themselves and they were afraid.  We were fairly fearless as young improvisational artists. I was writing poetry and playing guitar and performing on stages. We were acting in plays and dancing. It was so intense and the Beatles were playing and the Rolling Stones and Simon with Bleeker street and it was all before drugs.

I was Astro projecting. We were having group experiences with candles and incense and I think we even had seances and sang together and just drank tea and talked late into the night. I’d have to hitchhike home from Nina’s come in through the back door using the milkshute arm through to unlock the back door and go to my bed to get up early to play sports. I slept in class but always seemed to get an A or . I liked history.

Kirk helped me with Physical Chemistry. His father was a chemist and I remember that I had real trouble grasping the ‘periodic table’ and he sat with my one night as we went through it and I had this eureka moment as I grasped it. Thereafter I’d experience the world in the elements. I’d see bonds and depictions of matter like a heads up display with the structures and the various combinations. I was loving in a psychedelic reality and having these visionary dreams and walking with teachers waking to being back in this world . I saw ghosts and found things people lost. I had weird electrical phenomena. It was just that we took it all for granted . The kids were having other things telephathic stuff, synchronicity. We were in the ‘flow’.

I think the first time I got drunk I was 17 but the first time I smoked dope was probably after high school, The summer of 69 or 70. 

It would be a year or two later I’d drop acid,  

I had my gay experience in the summer after high school when my friend betrayed me and the band to get a contract had been told they had to bring a guy for the gay producer .I said I wasn’t gay,.  They insisted I came along. I was blatto drunk and stoned watching a video of sex and all these guys along and I was completely powerless. My pants stripped my cock sucked and then with playboys centrefolds all over the bed I was fucking the queen.  He was a nice guy. I’d come back for more a few times after that. He gave me drugs and I fucked him.  I was interested in all experiences , I was to be a writer and artist and had to know everything. I know I shared that I’d liked to experience anal sex with him and we talked about everything and he was a friend and I was invited to work out with the summer schools RWB, his friend Arnold Sporr and it was okay.Peculiar but okay.  It had all been very traumatic. The guys in the band. Me the roadie.  These older guys, real bullies and how horrible they were, Some guys are deeply evil and Lonny certainly was. The singer in the band, an American. He liked to hurt people.  The ex military drummer was okay . A real pot head. The summer was about smoking dope. I’d hoped to be living with two girls and next their parents wouldn’t let them move out. I’d moved out from home and stayed with John for a few months then we had the crazy house with Al. Al was the pot head bass player who would fast for ever to get higher on drugs. I was fucking girls . it was a summer of love. Sixties. The groupies would just climb into bed with us. I’d wake to naked women in bed. They had wanted to fuck Al but when he wasn’t there would fuck me.  It was extraordinary.  I loved women.

I loved sex. I loved intellectualism. I was writing all kinds of poetry and yet it wasn’t as pure as before I did drugs or got drunk. I don’t think drugs or alcohol improve creativity because I had the experience of both and yet acid was something different, a total disruption of the circuits and shifting of reality.  When a year or two later I’d do that it would be truly psychedelic.  I think all that Huxley wrote was true.

But I was only interested in knowing God. We were hippies then and the books were all about awareness and knowing God and the songs I gravitated to were spiritual. I’d got into the Theosophical Society a while later and was really into spirituality. Our all night talks were about life and god and creation and love and relationship. Unbelievable Bloomsbury Circle experiences.  

I was broken hearted, though no words describe the depth of despair after breaking up with Nina. She left me for a guy with a car. Actually he was a nice guy but I only had a bicycle and he had a car and that’s what I saw but he really was a good guy and she was great and somewhere I wished them the best and I certainly had no thought of beating him up or hurting her. I just felt so empty. I was suicidal. I was writing all that lonely boy poetry and it was the worst. I suspect I was depressed the last months of high school We broke up near Christmas and I’d eventually be kicked out of high school. The last months were utter despair. The lost love.  The dreams all gone. I was mortified. I was a really bad country and western song. So it was then that I ‘fell in with wolves’.  Looking back my poor mother was beside herself not knowing what happened to her son. I was walking dead, bitter, sad, morose, and not caring. The music of the day was all about love and life and there I was alone. Meanwhile I fucked girls and tried. I dated really great girls but I had this hole inside me and it wouldn’t stop hurting.

That was the crazy summer drugs and writing and the plan to be a writer and reading all the beat poets and Cohen and trusting this guy.  And he was a party boy and played msuci and did drugs and fucked girls and lacked soul, He really didn’t ‘get it’ and we were into hedonism and pleasure and there was a world of the sexual party in rock and roll. I’d leave the folk music country rock scene and was wit this guy who aspired to intellectualism but was just a shallow sort who fell in with Lonny the true psychopath.  Here I was a writer and lost. I had expected to go to university which is what my school friends did but now I was going to be making music some sort of little band but this guy joined this other band , rock and roll and I was the outsiders and when I wanted to get a job he insisted he needed me to be with him to write ‘our songs’. He wanted to put music to my lyric. Thought I was the best writer ever and yet he wanted to be a ‘rock and roll’ star and I trusted him and I was poor and working as their ‘roadie’.  We barely paid the rent and ate burgers and I was hungry and the Good Time Charley’s Back in Town with the big police bust at the time and the RCMP thinking I was the drug pusher for a month I was followed and harassed and all the band’s gigs were cancelled.

I have trouble with the times.

I dropped acid for the first time at the Man Pop Festival, Winnipeg Arena Aug. 29, 1970.  I was given it by this gorgeous blond girl and her black friend ,a couple of dancers I met. They stuck with me and it was a trip .  I remember the doctors saying we should come to the health centre if we dropped acid and I thought that was stupid and we stayed and listened to zeppelin and they wanted us on stage and there we were in the back the three of us dancing . I think it was the gorgeous blond and black girl but they had taken me under their wing since they gave me the acid. Some sort of older sister thing and I was a dancer.  By now I’d been offered scholarships to the Winnipeg Ballet.  I wasn’t living at home but that night I’d let myself into my parents home and spend the night in my childhood bed.  

I loved girls

I’d leave the gay scene after my ‘cherry was bust’.  I’d have to have surgery to repair the tears. I was able to go home and Mom fed me. I wasn’t eating at the end. It was all collapsing, the rock and rollers and their friends and the girls and the summer scene with winter coming and the band breaking up and my falling out with the guys after they ‘used’ me. They got the record contract. My photograph of them with the drummers marijuana plants behind him, I didn’t know they were marijuana plants, but the poster became famous and it was sold all across canada .  Marijuana was so illegal then.  The lead singer of a band had been an undercover cop so winter hit the music scene as all these stars were arrested and some went to jail. I was harassed for a month and then it stopped. That was before I started teaching dance at Ken Mathews. There was an ad in the paper that they would train us in 6 weeks and we’d become teachers. I had by now done music, creative dance and some ballet and jazz, been a stunt man in some shows and for the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, and the Manitoba Theatre , as well as doing walk on parts, and I spent a year fencing and did all this improvisation and even went weekly for voice training It was the okay to be a dancer to pay for the training to be a playwrite and actor. I would be a dancer.  Now I had another group of friends. Fernand.  I and he became room mates and I met Nancy and she was a dancer and a lover and then I’d meet Baiba. The whole Antonio and Marie and Peters and this group of people became the next family of friends.  The television show ‘friends’ really picked up on these groupings, not as neighbours but through work.  Like the later NCIS friends. We lived and worked together as dancers and we danced each night after work and we were all lovers with each other, forming couples and there was some mixing and matching till we all settled down.  They’d go on to marry. I ‘d go on to marry.  

And sex was heaven .  I’ve often realized that the very best sex was what the greatest athletes had. There was the intellectual but sex is a physical activity and when two dancer make love it’s way beyond anything thinkers can imagine. Yes there’s love. Yes there’s lust. And there’s imagination,. But youth and fitness have such an important part of the equation. I was alive as a dancer. I was alive so many times in my life when I was physically at my best. I was intellectual too. I was the outsider in the group reading phillsop[hy and theology and history all the time. I was writing and reading all the time. The girls in the dance club read fashion magazines and the guys didn’t read. I was drinking wine too and Clarke was drinking whiskey.  We drank a lot then but we didn’t have hang overs or at least rarely and we never missed shows, we were dancing 12 hours a day 7 days a week. Physically so active.  

I was in love and everything written about love and lust and woman was what I knew in my dance days . We were young and alive .T he world was passion. I grokked creation. 

So though I ‘d had a gay experience there was no attraction. I’d never and to this day have never looked at a man and thought I’d like him as a lover. I have been attracted to a cock but not to the whole man though I’ve enjoyed many men as friends .I have loved all aspects of women. I have loved their being. I have been truly blessed with knowing the most exotic exquisite unbelievably sexy uplifting fullest angels. I’ve unfortunately known these incredible creatures and watched them become emotionally disturbed, afraid, and blaming. They turn.  

I actually thought I could ‘fix’ them. I thought it was me. I thought I was the cause of unhappiness in the world. I blamed myself. If only I could be perfect. 

I learned as a psychiatrist there are women who blame others and women who seek help.  Depression is a reflection of relationship with God and self and not necessarily the place or things or people. Yet we make changes of careers, families, friends, geography, hobbies etc.  

Women in North America use sex as a weapon. In Christian society there was no ‘rape’ in marriage but suddenly with aetheist marxist feminism, Marx hated family, women said ‘no’ and my patient said that marriage was ‘institutionalize prostitution. I just heard over and over again ‘sexual extortion’ and ‘emotional blackmail.”

Meanwhile the guys were mostly struggling in the increasingly difficult work world and couples were being crushed in the middle class and the the destruction of the family by the governemnt was constant. 

I’ve been with a woman who slept around openly with other men.  I’ve been with a woman who was a sex fiend till married then became a shrew. I’ve been with a woman who was always depressed except when she was doing drugs. I’ve been with women who say they want sex but just don’t have sex. 

Ive treated dozens of escorts who say they’d not have any work if wives and girlfriends had sex.

I’ve heard all the he said she said and the media is full of the Marxist ‘women as the victim’.  Lenin ‘woman is the nigger of the world’. I remember meeting the psychologist who was the Vice President of the woman’s organization and he said when he praised women and said how hard their life was he was celebrated but the minute he pointed out how tough the poor man’s life was he was rejected.  

Everybody carrying signs, mostly say hoorah for outside.

I remember all the ‘royal we’s” I’ve heard from women.  “Women don’t like sex….they just do it for the man.”  “Women don’t like oral sex”.  “Women don’t like sex with the lights on. “”. Women don’t like anal Sex’.  Women don’t like sex with condoms. ‘. Women ……the list is long.  Women have a real problem with ‘I communication’. I don’t like sex.  I don’t like men. I want to be a princess. I don’t like caring for other adults. I’ll care for children but I don’t like taking care of men,.

I loved nurses when they really did like caring for older guys. I worked with the most loving nurses when I was a gp and they cared for the old guys and they were wonderful but in recent years the caregivers of the old men have been the most evil people I have ever known. I’ve known old men who would be better treated in Auschwitz. I’ve seen abuse of seniors specifically men that is the cruellest I’ve ever known. 

Women call sex ‘dirty’.  Dirty old men.

The men died for the women. That’s why there are all these old women and so few old men.  When women and men do the same amount of work in the same jobs they die at the same time.  Today women live 10 years longer and are the party girls and smug and clever.  And they always claim they’re the victims. 

I see the best and worst of people. I mostly see people who have fallen to the bullies. There are Eva Brauns and Hillaries and all these nasty women and these nasty men. There are the elite and the underdogs.

The oldest law of the world is the chinese law of the fish, There are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous.

Young women like sex with old men.

Men and women like getting paid for sex.

Men and women like sex. Some men and women don’t like sex.  There are takers and givers.  In the old more and more people can’t be bothered. The price of communication is too high. More and more I know men and women who are isolated living lives of quiet desperation.

Sex is love.  Sex for fun preceded sex for procreation.  People who are physically fit like sex. The old athletes are sexually active. The carnal sins and venal sins and all that what do you prefer. Well, the gluttons would just as soon eat as opposed to have sex. Sex is work. Gluttony and avarice are easy. Drunks and those with pride don’t like sex. Pride is lost in sex. Sexually we are humbled. Planet of the Apes debuted in 1968.  Sex challenges the illusions of our mind.  

The saddest people I’ve known are the lonliest sex starved in dead relationships. So many of the elderly in nursing homes were waiting for death lonely.  We reap what we sow.  The poor are now being rewarded and the sociopaths are getting top drawer.  

People actually believe there won’t be sex in heaven. Who would want to have a body and not join physically with a man or woman. We are going to ‘grok’ each other in the afterlife.  That’s the Buddhist energy escape. The physical is so hated it’s Maya and illusion. Of course it’s god’s creation. It’s the Word. It’s still holy and sacred. I’m enjoying this life and that’s what the ‘creation’ Cristians believed. This is the garden of eden .  Sex is like eating like breathing.  The dirty in the church reject sex and reject God . At least the pope said it was sacramental. But what does he know. Really.

God is good all the time. 

The politics of sex is something else. The destruction fo the family and the rise of lesbianism and homosexuality. Children police the parents sexual behaviour just like the parents living with the East Asian families restricting sex and everyone joining with the mother of the children .  

I remember when my single Christian doctor said the church excluded her as a ‘single woman’.  They always wanted her to marry. They wanted me to marry. I’d married and been punished royally by the moods and addictions of my wives and the courts taking the side of the women and men who were divorcing being punished financially and politically. When I divorced a man coulnd’t be a divorced leader, couldn’t be a partner. Women could. There was no social accountability for divorced women. The men were blamed and a divorced woman was the first female Vice President. Men were supposed to ‘rule their home’.

I didn’t marry Christian women. I married secular women or aetheists.  There were no other gods but women.

I am a member of a church. There are gays there and celibates and masturbators.  Gluttons galore And avarice reigns.

Marx said Money is the God of the Jews. He was the greatest katfetch of all fucking the cleaning lady and always demanding his wife get him money. What a disgusting little puke Twisted evil shit.

Everyone vying for self pity. One up man ship or one down man ship!

The perversion in government circles is unprecedented with pedophilia in the burocracy, the elected and the courts.  The schools and churches are vetted . They were scapegoated by the bullies in real power.  The bankers like little girls and little boys. Not all of them . But you don’t get ahead by telling the truth or being a whistle blower.

I was a whistleblower. I was refused jobs because the odious behaviour going on there feared the light.  

Will we meet again in heaven or hell

I think we all are resurrected. I like the Tibetan book of the dead which has a whole cast of characters, hundreds or thousands meeting between lives to write the script.  The murderer gets murdered in the next play. Andy Warhol was right. Every one gets 20 minutes of fame.

How we treated the lesser will be how we are treated. Divine retribution and karma are spiritual law. The sins of the fathers are paid by the children.  There’s no free lunch.  One of the reason the rich want to live long and use the body parts of children to achieve their goals is they’re liking their pleasures in this world but also they’re incredibly afraid to die, they are afraid of karma.

I’m not particularly. I’ve fucked and been fucked nad been fucked over Women this go round are going to face St. Peter and have a come up prance over their withholding and unforgiving natures.  There’s sins of omission and sins of commission.  There’s negligence.  

I think a lot of gay men and women are simply on strike.  I think they went on strike in response to the heterosexual. I think some are born that way. But the numbers expand and contract . Bisexuals are the swing vote. There’s identification with the aggressor and the Stockholm syndrome at play. 

She didn’t see a therapist, She didn’t see a psychiatrist. Her mother was almost certified. They were the craziest ladies I knew. I thought I was immortal. The number of times she tried to kill us and didn’t succeed confirmed that god loves me

I am interested to see that the ‘false accusers’ and other kinds of liars see the Count of Monte Christo. J’accuse.  I have had a life of being vindicated. I ‘ve seen my enemies those bullies who abused their powers have horrendous consequences. I don’t think it’s because of me but that it’s their fatal flaw and that they have this narcissistic mode of operating that catches up to them. I’m a nice guy.  I’m hurt and they keep on hurt and they get hurt not because they hurt me but because they didn’t know god and hurt god, that thread that runs through all their victims. 

Women like Eva Braun reward the bad guys.  I think the bad guys get more sex and kids.  When she told me she’d aborted my child I knew the depth of her anger and hate and that I’d done nothing to warrant this. She had this collection of hate and anger at the father of her children and I was the whipping boy. The escorts told me how the men ‘fucked angry’ and we talked about how woemn’ fuck angry’ and abort the nice guys child. Canadian women were on a spree if abortion, Murdering babies is a fashion fad.  The men are blamed. Just like the whites and the weather.

I am weary of hearing of all the sexual extortion and entitlement.  I’m weary of being forced to pay for the cronies of government and being unable to reward those I see doing the most. I’m sad that I’m alone having given my heart and soul to the company store serving in my work only to end up alone.  Blamed.  Shamed.  An outsider.

Yet I have friends and it’s okay. I have been blessed with an incredible life and truly loved all the players on the stage. I just don’t know what to do when I grow up. I don’t know what to do day to day. I wonder about the next adventure. Sail across the Atlantic or have a sex change or get another job, or move or wait or do nothing. This too will pass.  I am happy now and didn’t know whether to go to church or not and the time passed.  

I was out in the pool and the masks rules are gone. I might swim again. I loved swimming. I missed it when there was such a lot of rules. I think of riding my motorcycle to a beach but they don’t like the dogs and the dog and I have walked and I have had coffee.

I’ve done my remembering .  Those years 1968 to 1972 are a mess.  I have trouble putting them into years. I know the time line but if I’d been asked when I was on stage with led zeppelin I’d have said 69 to 71 , sometime in there. I’m not even sure of my graduation year.  Was it 70? I have to look it up. So much was happening. I was in Europe a year in there and in Morocco and then I was back dancing and later in university but it’s a questionmark when I try to put a year and date beside this blur.  Each time i look up a festival or something and it gets me the date.  Strange. But it was nearly 50 years ago. Half a century ago remember.  Clarke, Peters, Antonio, Michelle, Roberts, Fern, and she said his name was bob I think and we as a group on the Fort Garry FB page tried together to remember all the teachers and needed the help of those kids who went to work as teachers at the school. When I visited the medical school I didn’t remember most of the kids, just the 10 in my study group really. There were a hundred and I only remembered 10 maybe 20. I recognized the faces,

last night I was in a zoom meeting of 90 doctors and I recognized only 20 or so.  We’ve known each other for 20 years. This was 90 out of the thousands who’ve met together, who share an interest in this conference.  

I wear a dress at times. I have a bunch of costumes. I have the off shore sailing gear, the gymnast shoes, the yogi robe, the martial arts pants, scuba diving, gear. Horse riding, Hunting and fisher man jacket. The biker leathers, the sports jacket and the suit. I have the dress too, I know so many bullies that only have a suit and maybe t shirt and jeans for when they are not self flagelating projecting power. The girls wear ‘power suits’ too and neither know the origin of the ‘jacket’ was the military in 19th century England . Imperialist attire matched the ‘jacket’ sculpture of Mao or the the Indian jacket of the PM.  I have my jeans and love my shorts and sandals.  

We wear stories like clothes.  Namaste. I’m a soul. I”m a spiritual being living in a material world,.  Namaste. Thank you Jesus.