Gender Dysphoria

I just did another gender dysphoria quizz and much to my surprise I don’t have it.  An interesting question was ‘do you feel you are a woman?’ Or do you feel ‘you want to be a woman?”  The same could be said for a woman being a man.  In one case there’s a sense that a person has never felt right as a male or female and felt they were the opposite sex.  I actually felt that as a child regarding being ‘human’. I truly felt I’d been born on the wrong planet and had dreams and visions of a cataclysmic error.  

I loved being male as a child. I just liked doing male and female activities and did the activities of both genders well. I enjoyed the company of men and women.  I enjoyed ‘machismo’ activities like hunting and fishing and yet I didn’t enjoy killing the game. I did enjoy eating it.  I loved building. I loved and excelled in sports. But I played all manner of war and fantasy games and yet I enjoyed playing house with the girls and loved caring for little ones. I loved dogs and pets and raised fish and enjoyed gardening. I was ‘Omni-gender’.  I saw a gender psychiatrist and he said that I had autogynephilia not true transgenderism.  Interestingly this is seen by others as part of the ‘spectrum’. If one believes they are transgender then it’s easy to go on the slippery slides slope, much like the forced gay movement that demands that no one question or challenge the young man or woman who questions their attraction.  I don’t trust anything that’s forced and believe the ‘truth will out’.  I am also not into that ‘fate and determinism’ game which depends on the ends justifying the means. I was raised to much in the freedom mode and believe in ‘choice’ and indeed the law of attraction.  I could have a sex change and adapt or I could not have a sex change and adapt. Either way I’d do well.  But what is the ‘best’ course or which is the ‘least unpleasant’.  Since all paths lead to Rome and we are all going to die and life is a ‘construction’ or a dream which dream works.  Once one accepts cosmetic surgery or even stopping the death of a person by any intervention then there are infinite possibilities. I believe in a science fiction future and haven’t an ounce of ‘ludittism’.  I’m just a moderate.  I look for that point of balance or flow.  

When I entered theatre I loved the option of expressing all aspects of oneself in plays.

Later as a doctor I rebelled against an arrogant limited fearful man who believed that to be a ‘professional’ one had to dress like a lawyer and act like a bureaucrat and be like him. I didn’t in a million years want to be like him.  Increasingly the communist homogenization of society was saying that diversity is good but we all must act like the ruler. I love the Chinese sculpture who sculpted the Chinese uniform.  I missed theatre immensely.

I loved women. I thoroughly loved women. I worshipped women. I didn’t have a sister. My father and mother were best of friends and we were always taught to respect our mother. Her sister Sally was so much fun and the sisters had a great time together whereas my father and his brothers enjoyed each other but there was tension. I loved my brother but I couldn’t be really close with him in the sharing secrets and playing together. He was older and I had a best friend who was my age and we did for many years have parallel paths till I took off in the direction of arts and music.  

I was going to be a star but that changed after bicycling across Europe. Oxford changed it. I was raised Christian and always God seeking. I prayed and meditated and as a hippy did acid to ‘know god’.  I loved the music of the day as it touched on ‘God’ and spirituality and spiritual longing. I read the wisdom literature.  In Europe I consumed the greats.  I concluded I would be okay as an artist, a dancer, and even an actor but that to be the best one would have had to start earlier and had the best teachers. I met artists, dancers and musicians who were not only gifted but had the best teachers. I was omnipotential. I was good in most things but not driven.  I remember believing that we didn’t need more mediocre talent and also that a career in the arts should be driven by meritocracy.  I read the Glass Bead Game and thought that life was an adventure and a search for God. The church of day with exceptions was fear based.  

Dr. Carl Ridd certainly was focussed on ‘knowing God’.  As Heineken put it I wanted to ‘grok’ God. It was easy to enjoy alcohol because it has a feeling of being ‘godly’. It’s pseudo heavenly. Marijuana and alcohol are a nice ‘experience’.  They’re hedonistic.  

Yet there’s this ‘transcendent’ experience that is spoken of the in Pilgrim’s Progress. I’ve climbed over the walls and seen and known heaven. I’ve experienced bliss and I’ve been in the flow. I would just like it to happen more regularly and with lest ‘surprised’.  I talked to a group of ministers once and was shocked that some of them hadn’t had a ‘spiritual orgasmic experience’.  They were Christian and it was safe and they had a ‘good life.’  Much like wine drinkers who’ve never been ‘blatto’.  I admit I’ve had countless spiritual experiences and lived a lot of my life in the 4th dimension.  I’m touched by God.  I’m blessed. I know grace. I’ve a language of west and east and even the scientific language to express why I’m not living a ‘life of quiet desperation’ but indeed enjoying life to the fullest.  

I became a doctor because it was a career that was necessary. I could be good enough and it was still the ‘right livelihood.’  I would be of service and still earn a living. My father’s  Scottish work ethic and concern for finance were fulfilled. As a doctor I certainly loved the study and learning and excellence.  I would have gladly enjoyed surgery and country general practice if I didn’t have to stay in the city to be with my wife whose hedonism and security and crèche like concerns kept her city and safe. I made a conscious choice between immunology and psychiatry and community medicine.  I had given up surgery because in the city the best surgeons I knew were frustrated by lack of OR time and the hospitals were as I’d so learned too well corrupted by corrupt administration and there was little to do. Our hospital administration was a theif and stole the money for the incubator to give himself a new desk. I encountered the whole ‘consumerism’ thing and that for many medicine was just a ‘good job’.  Family and recreation and other matters were more important. Medicine was my life. By now it was a calling.

Psychiatry was interesting because it was the least attractive. The psychiatric patients were the most discriminated against. The whole field was least understood. I was fascinated by addiction and psychiatry. My fascination after the death of the kid who lied about taking his medication and his family lied about his taking his medication and they were into alcohol….that who thing had made me interested in ‘non compliance’.  Why do people not do the right thing.  Community medicine was addressing this at a population level but I was interested in it at the personal level.

I wasn’t interested in being anything but a man throughout this whole time. But my marriage began to fail as my wife didn’t have or want children and increasingly became self centred and demanding and sexually less interested.  She was clearly wanting me to be an accessory to her home decoration interests. She was interested in caring for other peoples children but not in her own and ‘nesting’ wasn’t about children but about her as the ‘princess’. I was completely side struck by her ‘feminism’ and her change from total wanton sex fiend before marriage to sexually withholding and boring after marriage.  The whole marriage thing suddenly went from the promise of a palace to increasingly a jail with all manner of women wanting me and coming home to my wife wanting weird shit.  She was just so into consumerism.  Her sister got a bigger house and now our house wasn’t big enough. I was working three jobs and she was always tired and overworked and I was doing the cooking and maintenance and being a good wife except for ‘cleaning’ . I wasn’t into ‘cleaning’ but I was fixing the car and hunting which she didn’t like and indeed she really didn’t like anything ‘masculine’ in the traditional sense. She and her sister and her girlfriends just liked to talk and drink wine and her mother was a Kardasian and crazy. But then I was thinking most people crazy and we were all studying hard. She was talking about people with incredible superiority just like her mother but being so polite. I really did gain an aversion to duplicitous behaviour but then I didn’t know what assholes men could be and how women had to develop strategies of their own. I sought help. I went to therapy. I changed. It would be a pattern with women. I’d accommodate and change and reflect and get advised and they’d just bully along blaming me and certain that they were right and that everything would be okay if I would just serve their certatnty that they were right.

Meanwhile the culture had this idea of chauvinism and it was flipping from the female hysteric and male chauvinism to the female chauvist and male chauvinism.  

I was disappointed in marriage. I had hoped to find increasing intimacy and love in marriage but it was more like a parallel play occasion and prisoner’s dilemna wasn’t leading to anything like ‘we win’ but always ‘frustration,

I didn’t want to be a woman but I began to see that all the lies I’d heard about the ‘victim’ woman and ‘the poor woman’ weren’t true. I was having an immense reassessment of the world of gender in my practice with all manner of behaviours by women and men and families and marriages and I was having the kind of eye opener that bicycling across Europe caused. I didn’t want to emulate the dis chord of her broken family with the alcoholism and the neutered men and suicidal men and alcoholic men and it would only be later that I’d learn about Al Anon and how sick the women were and that alcoholism was a family disease. What got me was the lack of sex and intimacy.  

I was bullied and raped then.  The cowardly bisexual took out his aggression and abused me.  I rather liked it in some ways . I really wished that I wasn’t his student and that I ddin’t have his privilege. He was Jewish. He was in a Jewish department and he had the ‘Jewish card’ and he loved breaking laws and flaunting his power and authority. His family was rich and very powerful but he claimed to be the ‘victim’. I had until then only the highest regard for Judaism. I was studying spirituality and Christianity, again a student of Carl Ridd. I was blessed to have learned so much and spent so much time with Dr. Jack Hildes. My Jewish friends were the best. I was interested in the Old Testament. But we were smoking dope and there was this world he was involved in which was drugs alcohol and Alistair Crowley.  I’d see that whole Blavatsky thing in my teens and passed it by as shallow and not really true to the spiritual paths which were strongest in the old traditions.  I believed he was introducing me to Jewish spirituality but all he was into was ‘lust’.  I don’t ascribed to asceticism or stoicism and yet he was just ‘pleasure’ bound and ‘intellectual’.  

I had as a teen had a homosexual experience getting blow jobs from a queen and fucking him while fantasizing about women. I’d done this in exchange for pot and food. I was hungry and out of work and life was a mess.  My friends were not my friends.  Betrayal and the whole world that my father had tried to protect me from was there. A couple of months of a ‘bottom’ and thank god my brother, my mother and my father took me home. Definitely the prodigal son. Back to women and family and a Christian traditional or conventional existence. I was no longer innocent. I wanted something more. I was no longer interested by the arts. It was apparent from my foray into the art world with it’s sex and drugs that it was so much about ‘who you knew’.  

I was attracted by meritocracy. I want to succeed by work and focus.

I’m writing this because I’m uncertain about the future. 

I had a great sexual and family relationship smoking pot and drinking wine and studying and practicing medicine but now I began to cross dress and enjoy this on occasional. I was alone a lot. Studying a lot. And smoking a lot of dope. I was interested in whether I could ‘know’ academic material straight and stoned. I did medical exams totally straight and now I’d do medical pre tests totally stoned. I had this idea from taoism that I had to be able to function in two realities and worried from my experience up north and in wilderness would I be able to function as a doctor if call upon impaired. It didn’t seem to matter. I was interested in gravity and physical and holographs and black holes.  

I didn’t want to be with a woman who was again a princess and indeed was willing to ‘use’ her ‘child’ as a weapon and as a ‘toy’.  I got out of dodge.  

For the next ten years I’d drink and smoke dope and sleep with the most amazing women. I didn’t sleep with men though I could have. I went out once with a transsexual because at the time I’d have gone with a blue alien.  Strange.  Curiosity. I’d done that black and brown and white thing. I’d mostly liked the dancers. Sex is athletic.  But the most exception was my Jewish gf gymnast who later informed me she had been a professional. I really believe in skills and training and thanked the lucky stars I was with someone who knew what they were doing. I weary of women who are ignorant in the bedroom but know every recipe in the book. But mostly I was interested in God and still struggling with this.

I’d have these ‘lust’ experiences, build up of desire and frustration and smoke a lot of dope and drink alot of wine and culminate with the icing on the cake of masturbation or a one night stand with a woman who seemed equally interested in orgasm.  Now I’d begin to hear the feminist Marxist women are only interested in love and men are interested in sex and women want love and men want sex. It was all bullshit. I saw and met and was involved with everything. I just didn’t want to ‘hurt’ anyone and believed in transparency and honesty all the while women were trying to ‘hook’ a man who would ‘provide for them ‘ and protect them. I loved Dylan’s songs don’t think twice

I began to really appreciate mothers. I loved my friend Anne and Marion. Amazing women who were mothers and drank or smoked dope but they weren’t princesses , they were honest and didn’t deny their sensual desires or intellectual longings. It was great to be among friends who were not living a lie.

My wife was an addict and definitely borderline. I actually thought as I at the time treating borderlines and succeeding in treating borderlines that I could like R.D. Laing live with one and she’d be healed. I had this arrogance about being a channel for god’s healing and felt that this promiscuous intelligent beautiful woman would  be my partner. 

I wanted children too and she insisted she wanted children and so I got married. Marriage was the institution for children. But the whole Marxist LBGT consumerism world of ‘individualism’ was changing the language and history to deny the central place of children as the military and agricultural base of society. The life vulture was moving to the death vulture. Abortion was big. My wife never stopped using drugs and just was a ‘party girl’ and all the promises were broken.  

Away from Vancouver she was a really good friend. We had such fun building a home and raising chickens only she never wanted it because her dream was her failed city girl experience.  

I wasn’t interested in cross dressing for a decade again but in Mexico drinking and going nowhere and in between then smoking dope well cross dressing returned.  She wasn’t sexual. She spent so many years in bed and depressed and angry.  I couldn’t deal with her cocaine use. I hated what it did to people. I didn’t like it because it just made me totally sexual and gave me total erectile failure and caused me to grimace.But I remember thinking I’d be a prostitute if I could do cocaine and be anally or orally fuckedd and not need to have an erection. I didn’t trust my erection. I found as I grew older and in my marriage, I’d do everything to help women have orgasms to pleasure them and to enjoy sex but they would be angry that I’d want to have sex and an orgasm. It was a reversal of the slam bam thank you mam of the media. I’d have a crik in my neck from orally pleasuring a woma for an hour and then she’d want to roll over and go to sleep or pass out drunk and stoned.  I was more sexually frustrated in marriage than alone.

But overall everything was actually good. It was these sexual times in the marriage. Weekly sex sometimes and months would go by okay and then it would be many months. I’d stopped pushing the issue and they’d happily be eating chocolate masturbating talking with girlfriends and getting fat and watching t v while I’d be watching wondering when they’d notice me. I was a classic neglected husband.  After a few years they were ‘secure’ in the relationship and I was put on the shelf like another ornament.

I didn’t get into porn.  I did cross dress when I drank and smoked dope.

Then I stopped drinking and smoking dope and nicotine. My ex wife like the one before blamed me and didn’t want to get any help with themselves and held those Marxist ideas of I’m right you’re wrong and women don’t apologize.  Covert Aggression is okay.

I became a celibate monk. No masturbation.  No sex. A year of abstinence and then I met this totally sexy sensual Christian sober girl I loved. But she was crazy.  So many girls wanted ‘daddy’ and they went with these guys who ‘hit’ them. I had had numerous women hit me….I’d had black eyes. I’d had my ex wife try to kill me and try to kill us. I was so non violent yet here I was a martial artist, sniper, and had fought off many and been in street fights and been shot at and knives and had no illusions about violence yet these women were so violent and totally in denial about their anger and rage and lack of socialization. Historically women used men to act out their violence. Men as tools.

I was interested in sailing and hunting and psychiatry.  I was interested in sobriety and spirituality. I was studying evenings over a decade theology. I was having sex but it was with a very few women over time.  I wasn’t going to marry.  Without the alcohol sex was not nearly as exciting. Meditation an prayer and music were better. Also physical sailing and hunting moose and bear and catching salmon.

It was the last 20 years that I would be cross dressing, binging and purging but now it would occur when women would lie and falsely accuse me and using bureaucrats bully me and hurt me and I couldn’t fight back. I was castrated socially in this time. All around men were being beat up. Always i was hearing of horror stories from men, children stolen and massive robbery and physical abuse of men and the media just did the Marxist thing an women were voting for communists and everything was women as the warrior.  

I wrote the poem I wanted to be a princess for a day.

I now don’t know what I want in the future. I look at the ‘adventure’ of a sex change. Being a woman a kind of ‘black like me’ experience.  There’s lust in the equation. I’m still interested in the spiritual and want what is ‘best’.  

I’m aging to and the lack of a ‘plan’; for retirement or what to do when one is no longer driven by medicine.  Being the best of doctors is the last thing wanted. In deed you van be the worst doctor and all that matters is you ‘act like a doctor’ which means you ‘identify with a n aggressor’ and ‘act like a beurocrat or a bully or a lawyer’.  The whole of Canada has been turned upside down.  Fringe politics . ANtifida and brown shirts. The new fascism.  I feel old and don’t want to fight. The idea of wearing skirt and just dying is more appealing than fighting.

I approached a monastery and was turned away as they said the politics weren’t any better.  I am physically weaker. I thought to sail away, cross the Atlantic.  But I’m alone and mostly I like to read and yet I ddon’t know what to do when I grow up.

I don’t have sex for months at a time, again, and I may masturbate every few weeks.  I just did a gender dysphoria test and didn’t even pass since I don’t mind being a man and don’t mind being a woman. I”m what might be called twin spirited. But I think female is fundamentally the capacity to have a child and don’t buy the Marxist individualism and consumerism and intellectualism.  

Oh well, I’m stumped.  When in doubt, say no.  I love the company of my friends today.