I have called out to God. I don’t know how come I’m here. I don’t know what here is. I know I didn’t make it. I am in this creation and intuit a Creator and even believe I might have influence. I feel amnestic. A child of the creator. A child of God. I know Jesus. I know Buddha. I know Krishna. I probably even know Mohammed. I know the Tao and the Path and the Truth and the Light. I have known birth and death. I have memories. These intellectualism are reductionist. In the secular boring way of the day the sacred is minimized to the callous mind of the common. Super rationalism. An ultra rational universe. A digital computerization of our soul. I sing the body divine.
I know I’ve been afraid this last year. The year of Lockdowns and Covid, and Communist incursions and the Globalist UN dictator domination. There’s been a war behind the scenes. Glimpses have surfaced amid the disinformation and misinformation. A Great Spiritual War that the shallow call the ‘reset’, euphemisms for ‘revolution’, ‘take over’, ‘war’, ‘corruption’, domination’……..I have watched with growing dismay the growing terror of censorship. Freedom of Speech. Freedom of Assembly. Freedom to say ‘no’. All gone.
I have each day ‘reassured’. Like parents in the Kennedy Missile Crisis. I have been a captain on a boat and watched the crew in fear mutiny. The least would lead because the least is unable to face their own fear.
I’m afraid. I am facing my fear. I ‘m also turning to God and begging for clarity. Thy will be done. Faith. Grace.
I’ve reflected on identity. I’ve grown my hair and thought to grow breasts. Hair farming. ‘Cut your hair,” he said and I remember 4 men with baseball bats chasing me through fields and brush, “Kill the hippy. Take him. Shear him like a sheep!” I watched the Muslims sheer the long haired American at the border to Morocco, custom’s agents objecting to his long hair. Are you a boy or are you a girl? With your hair so long, you look like a girl! Hair. The whole post military, the winners of WWII cult of the hero and me a kid who let my hair grow long like the Beatles. I conformed again. Decades of suits and worship of these bombastic old insatiable power mongers demanding I mirror them. Look like me. Speak like me. Dress like me. She doesn’t have to. But you do. The favouritism to the women and every other group that complained and I among the alphabet soup group
The parents and the family types liked me. I was in their ranks married when the women aborted my children. They know nothing of despair. Perhaps those who have lost a child. The smile on the face of one who can kill. Last year the indigenous young man with a pit bull threatened to kill me and my blind old dog and I saved our lives and no one cared.
How many times have men threatened me in this life and I am repeatedly being addressed by the protected inexperience privileges and told by this ‘low IQ” ‘functionaries’, the ‘Neurembergs’ that I have to do better. Don’t swear. Say ‘gosh’. Say ‘gosh’. Say ‘gosh’.
We must not talk of sex the pervert says who represents the perverts in power.
I see the slippery weasels and they defend the lying psychopath malingerer because she’s a brown girl and these old men in their primal tribal lust want to fuck her so ally with her against truth and right. A dozens Herod’s. It’s no difference. I’m past my shelf life.
I struggle with the anger as daily I see abuse of power. It was only weeks past that physicians in BC were threatened with discipline if we questioned the ‘government ‘line’. Trust the science but ‘you will do as we say, or else.’ We are the Borg!!!!!!!! You will be assimilated.
How odd that the Buddhists and Hindus seek to join the ‘bliss’. I wish to be an entity and know the One but my I be the one. Milton said Satan looked at his shadow. The Christians are resurrected with a ‘new body’. The Muslims are resurrected by they don’t get a ‘new body’, the ‘legless come back leglss’. Their cemeteries put the holy close and the rich closest to the holiest but if you blow yourself up you have virgins. Religions and Myth are never open to dissection. The Daoists have a pretty good after life but the Jews haven’t much but darkness. They once had reincarnation like the Christians. The Vikings and vahalla don’t appear. Mark Twain’s and CS Lewis’s heaven is okay. I loved Proof of Heaven.
I woke this morning. It’s a new day. This world is a prison. This body is a prison. It may be a palace. So much is perception,
I needed a dog to take care of this body, to walk it, rest, it remind it to eat. Without the limitation of my dog I each day after Gilbert died struggled with whether to go to work or leave. I fantasize returning to working as a secretary, typing each day, doing dictation. Not having to make decisions. Not having to answer the complex questions. Often I slip into the Parts department guy and prescribe the medication, My oath was to do the best for the patient, the Complaints Department for Life but Medicine has been hijacked by government and only the virtue signallers claim the patients is important. As a side effect of ‘selling drugs’ making reputations, building empires. I ask patients what my colleagues do and they don’t ask about drug and alcohol abuse, don’t learn that they’ve got three girlfriends, or that they’re planning to leave their families. Increasingly I indirectly learn that my colleagues gave up on the notion of psychiatry and instead reduced it to prescribing. Triangulate on the pill. Don’t rock the boat.
I diagnosed her as having drug addiction and she ddin’t like the label so she complained to the College and the College said I should have ‘lied’. They lie. The College lies. My superiors in the hierarchy are the greatest of liars. The politicians lie. Truth is rare now. I’ve had this weird notion that someday it would get better. But here I am on the verge of retirement and the leadership is as incompetent dishonest and deceitful as they were when I left high school.
I’m disappointed in myself. I’m relatively poor today and envy my colleagues who did as they were told. I’m envious of the Vichy French.
In church there was spirituality but the family and married men dominated. I’m single.
I’m an uncle.
I’m a cousin.
I’m childless.
My child was aborted. I was castrated by the woman and she chuckled blaming me for her ‘choice’.
But is there choice. I woke today and these memories and this ‘idea’ of who I am carried over from yesterday. I put together this day based on ‘habits’. I’m paying off my mortgage. I am working. I self doubt and worry and wonder and then show up and do the right thing whatever that is.
I have been utterly appalled at the lies and corruption of the whole Covid nonsense. I did 2 years community medicine. I was the Emergency doctor in the major teaching hospital in the crisis of HIV and I’ve worked with TB when it was so dangerous and I got it. I’ve been treated for countless infections. I was sick every winter with flues from patients. I’ve had numerous near death experiences. I’m quite germophobic, I’m hypochondriacal. But the politics of this Covid matter, the political nature of the lock downs. The favouritism of the government to it’s voting cliques. The whole Democrat versus Trump thing and this Nazi Communist embarrassment, low brow, lying unethical pretty boy, sock boy disgusting girl abuser Trudeau, it’s beyond the beyond, Like looking up and seeing that the president of the corporation you are working for is Satan. Listening to Tam and Trudeau last year was terrifying. You’re racist if you want to stop the planes from Wuhan. So much creepy scared stuff. And my patients were afraid and so was I but I was the captain on the ship and said ‘hold on’. “It’s going to get better’. Here try this medication . It’s calming. I know we’re in a tsunami. I’ve been along in a hurricane in a little boat and I’ve survived. I’ve been in a DC3 plane crash and felt the slow motion disaster. I don’t know. It’s all psychedelic . The media and patient concerns. Friends concerns.
Ignore the fear mongering. I can for myself. I can walk my dog and take pictures of birds and carry on. Keep on trucking. We kneeled beside the walls of the school under our desks in drills for nuclear bombs . We listened to the teachers. But Times had a picture of Hitler on it’s covers, Today’s ‘hero’s’ have terribly clay feet. Even the music sucks and yet a millions high paid ‘influencers’ are telling people the music is good. No it’s not. I finally found a 70’s and 80’s channel on the radio which I can now add to my Praise Music and Classical Music listening. I used to listen to AM and occasionally found a new ‘star’. But now I can’t listen to the negatively. The lies of the broadcasters.
Facebook is a nightmare. The constant left wing advertisements. The fact checkers who are so wrong. Undergrads with power and no capacity for understanding literature comedy ESL group.
Al right the world has gone mad.
What does that say for you.
Can you do another day.
Can you keep your head down and avoid the ‘why’ question. The piercing screams of terror in the tones of voices of patients who are over the edge and coming around for another ‘wave’ of fear. Flogging to lunacy by a government that is a proxy state for some outside influence. Is Trudeau invaded by aliens, the male lover of Xin Jinping, or does the UN have photos of him with black dogs.
Personally I feel comfortable in a skirt. I feel like Klinger. It’s identification with the aggressor of if you can’t beat them join them. Women vote Trudeau. My female friends down but then I’ve defended women individually and collectively dozens of times, fighting off rapiers, standing up for women’s rights when it was egalitarianism not Marxists. I weary of the victim culture. Snowflakes and oppressors. Give me money I’m weak so I can beat you up. Biting the hand that feeds .Me first.
I come back to having a back ache and no longer believing I can carry a 60 lb pack or physically fight the young and if I win the government will blame me. Like the guy who said you must have done something to have your patient threaten to kill him. “Yes I refused to prescribe him drugs. He was high and he wanted me to give him a prescription for more drugs to make him more high. I’ve an opiate and controllers susbstance license . I said no and he threatened to kill me and kill my dog and he’d threatened to kill his lawyer and his employer before me and I said ‘no I won’t prescribe you more speed and opiates’ And he said he would kill me. And I work with people in power who have never left their mother’s basement and know nothing of insanity and danger and the police didn’t even come and no I pay all my money to taxes and they’re just psychopath thrives because I’m not getting any law and order and I’m not getting any protection and I’n even dealing with people ain the beurocracy with any real experience e. I was in charge of the dangerous ly insane wards and worked in the jails and this College buffoon and the police intake service both though I did some thing to ‘upset’ this man
Now I’ve seen several patients in my practice, police being criticized for stopping assailants from stabbing them. A counsellor fired because she called the police on a client threatening her with a knife. The client had threatend a half dozen other staff with the knife. The leadership is George the 3rd. These are idiots.
When we were in the war we had leaders like that , the men killed one. Another wanted us to charge a machine gun and we let him stand up and get shot. It’s hard being back here with all the idiots. It sorts itself out pretty quick in a war. Here you have all these relatives of people in power. I don’t thinks it’s changed much from the 19th century when you bought commissions. We salute the rank but not the man. The women today are worse. They ‘ve never faced what they’re telling us to do and yet they’re so concerned with pleasing their leaders. They’re the best lackeys but not the Israelis. The Israeli women aren’t silly. They know real dangers and they don’t throw away the lives of their men. The Jewish guys are like that because their women care for them. Here the women hate the men. I don’t know why. They have been treated better than any women elsewhere but then there were all those girls going off to join ISIS to be beat up and then wanting back in the west with their babies. I never get over all the women that want to date serial murderers in prison. It’s a cracy place. I’m hoping to get out of the whole thing and drive taxi in a resort place. Drink some beer screw girls who come to these places on vacation and want a fling. The government destroyed my business. Yea. I’d spent years building it and they just walked right over it. Bureaucrats don’t care. They’ve got their pensions and their benefits. They’re just doing as theyr’e told. I’ve served. I’ve even had a family . My wife ran off with another guy when I was overseas and the judge gave my two girls to them because he didn’t think a soldiers life was good for children.
I have to get dressed and listen. I miss the distance I had from patients when I was a gp. The fifteen minutes glimpse at the other lives. Now I’m all day hearing of the despair. An hour a time in the presence of the sadness and despair made so much worse by clown boy and his private jet trust fund friends.
I’m a senior.
I’m invisible.
The question is what to do each day to make the best of it. I have my dog to learn from. He’s having a nap. Naps are good. Walks are good. He played with another dog. Chase. I will sit and listen and spout platitudes and not join in the nails on glass emotions and yes, they are facing so much more and worse than I am. I will resist running away. I want to go to sea. I want to be a Gypsy. Identity change. Grow breast. Black like me but instead ‘woman like me’. A Change. The doctor bit was so far out. Looking through crystal spectacles. I could use a vacation. I want to go to Aberdeen and ask the grave of my ancestors what it was for and they will say ‘fuck the English’. ‘Don’t trust the campbells’.
But I’m a Christian and revenge porn on tv is all I can do when I’m supposed to forgive. Forgive the government . Forgive the institutions. Forgive Satan. Forgive God. Forgive msyelf.
Just don’t ask why? Why? My god , my god why hasn’t thou forsaken me. The mind is enemy territory. It’s a dark place. Don’t go there alone. Hallelujah. An attitude of gratitude dispels darkness. Rejoice.
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