Hedonism

I liked Reich’s Orgone Box. I imagine that being a ‘slut’ would be a good occupation. It’s a fantasy of the old. As a young person I had no desire and the young prostitutes I’ve known only did it for money. Ends justify the means.  Now I’d like to be blatto. The idea of addiction is escape from reality and also pleasure. The promise of a free lunch. I see the alcoholic as oral sensation, the nipple child, stuck suckling the breast with increasingly sensuality till satiety then starting again.

I’m hungry, angry, lonely tired.  I do a variety of things. Lots of moving parts. Maintenance of machinery.  Banking. Journaling, Reading but there’s a basic lack of purpose. I remember years of study of dance , then medicine, then the various expeditions.  Projects. I did the medicine, then the surgery, then the northern practice, community medeicine, public health, psychiatry, psychotherapy, psychonalaytivs, family therapy, structural and strategic, motivational, CBT, all the group therapies.  I ran the groups. Did the business, had the practices, did the medical legal work, had the interests in Noncompliance, Borferline, PTSD, TBI and psychopharmacology.

I did the masters in theology and spiritual study.

I did the years of 12 step and 12 step favilitation. I need decades of marriage. I raised dogs.  I had chickens and turkeys and ducks.  I’ve been an accomplished hunter, off shore sailor, the blue water captain, and I’ve bicycled across Europe and motorcycles a cross the US. Now I’m camping again in an RV and enjoying ATVing again.  It’s a holding pattern.

I don’t know what to do if I retire.

My practice is ‘service’. The Governemnt College of Physivians and Surgeons calls it ‘just a job’.  It’s no longer a profession. Doctors are now called in the language of communism. “Health Care Workers’.  I have no union.  There’s no longer status. The idea of a ‘calling’ is considered ludicrous. The mediocre and Marxist reign.  

Delta variants

Fear and totalitarianism.  

The UN and Agenda 21.  MAiD and Abortion.  Elites and Davlos 2030.  Communist Chinese Military.  The China Sea War Games due any more.  

I am at an impasse. I don’t actually imagine retiring. I can do my job ‘providing service……diagnosis….recommendations and….prescribing medication.’  I used to be angry that colleagues delineated psychiatry in this way, like a drug salesman whereas I wanted to help people become the best they could be what ever that was ‘self actualization’ avcording to Maslow.  Joyful.  All sorts of these things. Patients often just wanted a ‘pill’ and there I was like a teacher trying to get the student to university and they just want to get out of class.

Now in my work I’m fairly content just to be the ‘cog’ in the medicine wheel. I provided methadone for years for a half day a week , 50 patients, content to be the ‘supplier’ and hopeful they would change but not doing a whole lot of ‘motivational’ psychiatry because today the Government College has a ‘feel good’ model and supports psychopaths. After I saw that they preferred the lies and deceits and psychopaths over the doctors I knew as patient who were targeted for drugs or services I lost all respect for the Government College. The government increasingly has become less and less respectable.. The black humour article in National Post was what is the difference between the Hell’s Angels and the Government of Canada. Apparently the government of Canada isn’t into prostitution ‘as yet’.  Holland is.  CAnada makes it ‘s money off war and arms dealing, cigarettes and alcohol and now marijuana. It ruins good economy and introduces mediocrity and communism.  I have no respect for the character or behaviour of Trudeau.  He’s a disgusting little man with vice and horrendous ego and stupidity. I don’t find I’m at a point where I look up to people and want to be them. I’m in admiration of a number of my colleagues and retired family men sorts. 

I like working.

I’m paying off my mortgage but I could just sell off my boat and be ‘free’ and I could change my lifestyle marginally to be ‘free’.

I’d like a 3 month paid vacation.

I enjoyed being away 6 days.  I’m enjoying these extended long weekends. Today I’m enjoying working.  I think I’m doing okay.  I don’t have that same sense I had when I did weekly therapy and watched people transform.  I thought I was really good and humble at denying my influence. I liked being a ‘channel’. 

Now I”m kind of like an emergency room doctor or a salaried mental health service doctor.

It’s okay. It’s a good ‘job’.

But what is my purpose.

what is the meaning in my life.

I thought to publish books.

I have two ready to go but I need to edit them and to do that I feel like I need to sit in a library or somehow have or make time to work at that process.  

I don’t know about my relationship. It’s a friendship. I think of intimacy and love and relationship and longevity and she has her family and her life and I’m an accessory. I’ve lost so much making women the centre of my existence. I’ve made huge investments and they’ve just not carried through.  I’m happy to have a loving friend but I can’t depend on partners. I fear investment and now don’t have a lot of trust and indeed ton’t trust government and especially don’t know when the Government Police won’t attack work, liberty or any other aspect of my life. I’ve not played it safe or been ‘smart and clever’. I’ve been a ‘boy scout’ and a ‘good man’ but now there’s not much value in those qualties. Indeed we used to say ‘that’ white of you’ out in the woods where everyone did there share.  Being ‘white’ mean hard working, responsible , reciprocity, focused …and a whole lot of good qualities.  Now that’s ‘racist’ but the very qualities, the meritocracy it spoke too, isn’t admired even.  Truthfulness is laughed at. Being a care giver is being stupid.  Work ethic is stupid. “The trouble with you Bill is you’re a wage slave’.   I hear the ‘smart’ set and faced with their opinion my life looks stupid. You ‘gave it away for free’.  I worked with the least successful. My rich colleagues tried to get me to work with the ‘rich’.  They have the gifts ….they reward you….your patients are poor.  The smartest best doctor is the doctor to the king. I never thought so. I have that missionary thing going and the Scottish gene of reward.

Now I don’t care. I don’t know what to do when I grow up.  

I think of a sex change like a job change like a geographical change.  I’m doing more of the same

It’s okay. I’n very grateful for what I have now. I’m truly blessed. I’m just a little bored.  

I didn’t do anything on holidays , walked the dog and read, made meals for Laura. Wrote drivel.  

I relaxed. Today I feel really relaxed compared to what I did a few days ago.  

I’m thankful I didn’t get caught in the forest fires and so thankful I found a campground where there was electricity because the fridge propane wasn’t working

It was good

But now i feel anxious and vulnerable

I worry about the future.  That’s it to a large extent.  I feel vulnerable, I have spontaneous moments when I feel tearful and that’s been when women especially have rejected me and men have taken advantage of me. I have taken solace in meetings.  The church hasn’t been comforting. It’s that sense of being an outsider, wanting to find ‘my people’. The people I was closest with are now dead. That comes with aging.  I have this little dog to care for and am pleased some days that he gives me purpose. Takes me for walks enjoys my barbecuing.

This ending of COVID has been it’s own challenge.  I need to re connect.  Surviving Covid was a purpose. I put things on hold.  But what am I going to do when I grow up. What are my plans. What do i want to do.

I want a closer relationship with God. I pray to know God’s purpose for me. I feel still like I’m on the bench.  I’ve had that feeling for a couple of years.  I’m waiting for Godot

The idea of time has become an issue.  Just for today and the now, Practicing the presence,

Thank you Jesus.