Cool day

People are praying for rain as the arsonists burn churches. Trudeau and his Liberal government speak out against Islamaphobia while Christophobes destroy Christian meeting places, Christian homes, and Christian Art. The aetheists of communism destroy Canadian statues of Canadian history. Millions of dollars of damage. Trudeau protects them. The State police turn a blind eye while sending SWAT teams to arrest ministers and children playing hockey outside.

It’s summer. The laws against congregation are easy.  However the censorship laws are all the rage.  The Government Doctor Police, euphemistically called ‘the College «  tells doctors they will be disciplined if they speak out against the Party Line.  Obama did the same with Climate Change, saying that those who didn’t believe in his religion should be arrested.  It’s dark times. Not only is Science hiding but the things being done in her name are sacrilege to the open debate and discussion that is the essence of science. 

I’m confused and overwhelmed and try each day to reassure those even more confused and overwhelmed. I like to remember even after the reign of Nazism the light of democracy and freedom shone again. It took maybe 5 at most 10 years whereas Communist Dictatorships, far more evil that Nazism, take decades to fall and during that time so many millions more are raped, enslamed and killed by the ignorant cruel gangster of failed ideologies.  

I’m afraid. Admittedly I have moments of fear. I wonder if my desire to have a sex change isn’t a search for safety. Sometimes I think it’s identification with the aggressor as feminism, so called first wave, the egalitarian movement of the suffragettes and women’s liberation was hijacked by Marxist NOW and the ‘oprressor-oppression’’ stupidity.  Politics of black and white. Leonard Cohen’s song There is a war.  EE Cummings summation of paranoid ‘us and thempeople’. All so much below Martin Buber who celebrated I and Thou.  

Jesus said, « do not be afraid.’ 

I wake each morning to a new dawn and am a new person.

I wonder if my pleasure in wearing women’s clothing is that Men are hated in Canada. The Father is condemned.  I have provided and protected all my life and served and been punished routinely for my defence of women and children and the outliers.  The institutions which claimed to do this lie like Trudeau does. He calls himself a ‘feminist’ and he’s a greater chauvinist than his father.

I failed in the decades of service to the ideal of family and being a wife and husband to different women.  They had no children. I checked to see if my sperm served and the most humiliating day in a lab the results said I was okay but then why did I pick women who themselves may have been okay but together we had no children. The women had abortions but the first went onto be a great and beautiful mother, older.  I’m admiring of family men. I’ve being the assistant. I’ve had no great desire to lead and served mostly as the one who gets things done and gives the praise to others.  I like to solo sail and solo hunt and have taught so many skills galore in medicine and wilderness.I’m a great great uncle. I’ve always like that role admiring my Aunt as a child and as an adult. She was a card. She buffered the serious concerns of my mother with laughter and love of a forgiving God.  Her best friend was a Marilyn Munroe blond and as a teen I was first aware of this Veronica and Betty pair and how the men’s heads turned and how they knew and smiled. I was just old enough to admire my aunt not just as a Christian lady but as a lovely woman. Her friends were two gay men who lived down the hall. Dad suggested she might be a lesbian because he said her husband ERnie had been a good man but that Aunt Sally never really liked men but she did like being ‘Mrs.’. Who knows .  My dad loved her company and we travelled together as a family and had such fun, my mother so happy with her sister along.  Now I’m the distant uncle in the family, a younger brother. I sit on the bench of life available if there’s a need but not really connected. An outlier.

I was the black sheep in my family.  I was the outsider as the academic and intellectual. I could do sports and excel and do politics and get projects done but I loved most being in love and the theatre. I longed to be a playwright and after the years of writing and theatre, stunt work and dance I was in university to be a playwrite and director only to become a hippy who wanted to experience life . The classroom was dull and my favourite artists and writers had ‘experienced’ reality. It was tune in and drop out. I left university despite my love of Dr. Carl Ridd and Literalture of the Bible and my joy in theatre classes, the plays I wrote and directed and acting on the main stage of the Manitoba Theatre Centre a secondary lead, offered scholarships to the Royal Winnipeg Ballet and doing television commercials dancing and co producing the YMCA Wise Eye Coffeehouse.  

Instead like Robert Heinlein I wanted ‘to grok’ reality and was a horrid guest with my sensuous first wife, a couple of aliens for my poor conservative aunt, corporate executive assistant, prim and proper, and discrete suddenly faced with a long haired arrogant drinking pot smoking acid dropping hedonist with egomania and superiority complex. Pride. 

I loved the book « not queer’ by the Wasshington DC gay couple that felt the ‘queer parade’ was past it’s shelf life as they were totally integretated in their high ranking positions with a most civilized diverse social network and no discrimination against their sexual preference, only to have gay parade come along and friends look askance at them as if these drunken drugged naked old men and loud sexualitéd street people were ‘our tribe’.   I’m always asked about maple syrup as a Canadian and disappoint when I fail to say ‘eh’.

I loved women. I knew so many and loved them all. I thought lovemaking before marriage in marriage out of marriage was the closest to God a man could come. The sheer beauty of the women I was with almost caused me to feint. I had dozens of ‘aha’ moments the first time a women undressed before me and we stood naked together. I had out of body spiritual experiences long before LSD. As a child I experienced God and felt one with the universe. In my spiritual studies doing meditation and prayer I’d be lifted up as on Eagle’s wings. I’ve many times felt levitated in prayer and meditation.  But in the naked joy of love making with a women I felt like the Paul Simon song’ just like a dog I was befriend”. It was the penultimate experience. It was chocolate. It was champagne. It was the breath of life.

In marriage I’ve had the decades of bliss. In long term relationships I’ve known years of lovemaking with the friend , like playing classical music with another musician. Then one day they don’t like music.  I’ve never stopped liking music. I’ve also not used ‘Sex’ as a weapon , withholding it in a monogamous relationship and playing games.  I don’t like the ‘addiction’ of the ‘yes and no’ of anything.  Addiction requires that scarcity on off thing and I just leave. 

Marriage was about family and if there were no children then it was about love and love making but I found and learned that many women want a man to serve them and feel entitled to all the work that men do for women but literally don’t like sex or intimacy. In Canada women don’t like men and maleness and literally all the culture of liberal Canada is a female abortion with cherry picking ‘chivalry’ and ‘Marxist Feminism’ and nothing about equality.  The elite love the divide and conquer.

So many of the women I’ve defended have really been abused by other women . Matriarchies are notorious for their cruelty and corruption.  The Mother Child bond is so strong.  

I’ve lost track but I do know that I’ve done my time, paid my dues and at the end like other seniors especially men I’ve been short changed and slackards and clever people like carpet baggers are taking the cream. I think of the churches burned and remember my dad and brother volunteering to fix the roof of our church. I think of the hundreds of years of service in churches and the care of the churches and how the Muslims like ISIS destroyed the churches and the temples and the Zoroastrian shrines.  I feel sad for the people who had tourists sites of ancient religions whose monuments were destroyed by barbarians.  The Christians like the Romans so often incorporated the cultures and history of those before them. Not without exception given the extraordinary history of the Jewish Temple now forgotten by the rewriting of the UN dictators and Canadian low brows.  

I carry resentments. I feel male anger. The television is full of Revenge Porn. I love the vicarious delight of the Boy Scouts righting the wrongs.  I love Bruce Willis, and Claude Van DAmme, and Liam Nielson, Stratham and especially love the whole group of great men who played James Bond, Sean Connery my favourite. My favourite movies were Dr. Zhivago which I experienced as vision and predestination, identifying with the life so many years before I lived it. My other favourite movie was Lawrence of Arabia and Peter O’Toole being me like the Mad Max characters of Mel Gibson. 

I’ve felt such an outsider.  I loved Malcolm Gladwell’s books.   I learned later ‘one step a head of the crowd you’re a leader, 2 steps ahead of the crowd you’re a martyr.’  My nightmares were of me flying in the night, having this energy to lift and so enjoying the flights only to have these angry mobs chasing me across the ground. Over and over again. I’d find I was martyred in work only to have whatever it was I was ‘right’ about becoming the ‘norm’ a decade or two later.

I would stand alone before men and women in suits and feel that they were they inquisition and over and over I’d ‘respect the guns’.  They had power but I knew they were afraid. I read scripture. I prayed I meditated. I read dozens of magazines a week. World Press Review. Manchester Guardian Weekly, Economist, Reuters and so often I’d be talking with someone who’d listened only to the propaganda of English CBC. I’d be talking to administrative doctors with no training or insight but with ‘authority’ and ignorant as shit when they accepted the lies of psychopaths and I was falsely accused and punished by these depraved grandiose farsces.  It’s like I’ve sat across from Trudeau as he talked about his socks.  

I’m a psychiatrist. I was a family physician and delivered babies and did surgery before I was a psychiatrist. I know so many of my colleagues now are ‘junior neurologists’ but I was a psychiatrist when psychiatrist mean ‘priest of science’ and I studied all of Freud and Jung and assisted in Neuro surgery with Canada’s greatest neurosurgeon and loved immunology and free will and determinism. I became interested in psychiatry and immunology at the height of the ‘bad bug’ era of antibiotics and internal medicine.  I wanted to know why Bad things happened to Good People. I wanted to know why people were ‘non compliant’ and didn’t ‘follow medical regimen’. I saw the constant lies of daily clinical practice and watched over and over as people ‘played the appearances’. I was interested in genetics, and lifestyle and ‘secondary gain’ .  I was diagnosing malingering correctly for years before the Minister of Health politically counter acting my order on behalf of a family friend.  I was then told by the assistant head of pscyhiatrty that truth no longer was important and that all was ‘relative truth’ and that ‘malingering’ was a diagnosis only a ‘judge’ could make.  In a multi cultural post modern political religious world there is only ‘constructionism’ and no ‘objective truths’. I ‘d been straights A’s in arts so I knew how they academics and the lawyers and Beurocratic their friends thought but I’d also studied science, made bombs and blew things up and was a sniper and in reality all that ‘thought’ and ‘talk’ didn’t mean shit’. Might is right. I’d been raped, held hostage .and beaten up by a gang of men. I didn’t think the scars from being stabbed and now as much as I put all that as memories I know that the protected ‘elite’ can imagine anything. 

The riots were all these silly intellectuals attacking police who had a code. I’d trained and worked with the police and military and would always chose them over amateurs. When I was in charge of the dangerous insane I’d take down huge men without hurting them. We had to be that good, like prison guards. I had guys try to gouge my eyes, tried to knife me and I defended myself till I got old and weary.

Now I watch effete Trudeau who picks on little girls and destroys the wisest women to side with slouches paying terrorists 10 million dollars who kill salt of the earth American soldiers and he’s always surround with a half dozen men’s men with guns. Like his mother who wrote about how safe morrocco as a young woman failing to mention she was accompanied by the Australian rugby team.  

I’ve always played defence.  I’ve learned martial arts and skills training with police and military. When I drank a drunken colleague liked to show off. Younger he’d been a brawler and in the military. But he needed to win and didn’t share.  I went elsewhere to train with the Canadian champions and learned how to defend myself from the showboats.  I’d learned too that I gave my life to save ing lives and the soldier that held me hostage had spent his life learning how to kill and defend. There’s no comparison.  I ‘m old now and  like women. They don’t physically fight and they send young men to war and goad men to fight each other for them and use Judges as proxy fighters offering them sex.  Honey pots galore in the upper echelon and the promise of women in the work place was that we’d have less corruption not the more we see in Canada. More women voted Trudeau.  I hold the group accountable.  I know the women I admire never did. I’ve always been an outlier.  

Now I don’t want to lose my genitals. But I feared castration most of my life. We joke men developed the ‘cup’ for their balls for sports in the 19th century but didn’t  wear helmets till the 20th century. The sex change involved orchiectomy. I don’t care any more. I am an outlier. My family has reproduced their genes. I’m a genetic dead end. No future.  I gave decades to the pursuit of children. I could do nothing to stop the abortion of my child.  I love mothers and grandmothers today and so admire women who love men enough to have their children But so many women prefer bad men for fathers and blame the men they picked to produce with . The murderers in prison and others barbarians have line ups of pen pals.  In the end the good guys are blamed for everything. Today Macdonald’s Statue is destroyed while Pierre Trudeau’s statue continues to stand.

I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself .  Self pity is a go to human place which only those who lie and deny don’t see in themselves.  It’s tied to ‘entitlement’ .  Justin Trudeau the most entitled man in Canada reeks of self pity. Why don’t they love me when I’m their traitor he says stealing millingsa nd feeling entitled.  Like the tortorers he says “I’nm doing this for your sake.”  Who made you ,runt, daddy!!!

I like wearing panties and bra.I like the smooth fabrics of skirts. I was happiest in my life sailing in sarongs or shorts. Suits are military wear from the 19ths century fashioned on officers jackets of British empire.  I prefer silks and satins. I’m old. I’d rather have my nails done that work out at the gym jumping in the air and kicking my opponent in the head. I loved when I did that when a gang attacked me. I took out the leader with a jump kicked breaking his nose and dropping him bleeding in the snow. The next guys nose was broken with a knee to the face and the third went down with a kick to the ear.  They had knives and chains and rocks. When people began going in gangs with guns and knives I felt the swish of a bullet by my hair as people screamed at me hitchhiking ‘long hair’.  Now they ask me why I like long hair. I’m twin spirited. I ,m old . No one cares.

We look more and more alike in old age. 

I got tired off all the work of sex. Being the ‘top’ . My back hurt. I took Viagra and Cialis and they weren’t interested. I have got prepared for Sex with women hundreds of times maybe thousands in my life and they had other plans.  In most marriage studies women want sex, if they want it all, once a week and men twice a week. Men lives in a state of constant scarcity.  But the women get angry even if you talk about the amount of male rape. They support these barbarians and yet if men talk about being raped they’re sissies.

I did my time as macho man.  I’ve physically intervened in stopping a half dozen rapes I’ve fought off a gang to protect the woman I was with. I’m tired of it.

I work with transexuals and love the older male to female and the females to males but the young are so ignorant of the opposite sex and their myths are so predominant. I loved my college prof friend telling me how her transsexual friend told her ‘how to dress as a woman’.  The young female to males know nothing about the danger among men. They play at fighting after clubs and haven’t seen reality. I life female police, female doctors and female military. I saw a man die beside my table as another walked by a put s sliver thin knife in his spleen and walked away. The victim probably felt little more than the deer I shot with a bow and arrow who jumped up then returned to die. He bled out by my table while everyone was reacting. I always reacted way ahead of everyone else in emergencies. The world becomes slow motion in danger.  I effectively dissociate like lucid dreaming. Don’t know if it was days in monasteries or just genetics.I talk to soldiers and first responders who have this.

Now I just want to rest. I want to wear a pretty dress and sit in a coffee shop and write cute girl story. Maybe romances. I wonder when I’ll write a play. I hurt so much seeing and hearing so many people these days betrayed by their government. Seniors on fixed pensions. The lack of health care resources.  Cancer patients on prolonged wait lists knowing their death will be by political delay. 

I wonder how long I have to live.  I am grateful. I’m thankful every day. I ride a Vespa and a Harley. It’s so easy to ride a Vespa. I think about getting a smaller sailboat . I’ve always worked to the outer limits. Tried for perfections. Gone days with out sleep to save lives. Been in plane crashes . Now I’m in fear of the Perfect Doctor Police who don’t care about health care. “It doesn’t matter. The doctors examination and talking to the patient doesn’t do anything but reassure them. You mustn’t challenge them”. He was ho[eless as the priest who spouted from the pulpit, I don’t believe in the virgin birth. I don’t believe Jesus was the the son of god. I don’t believe in the Trinity.  I do’t believe in miracles.” There I was in the largest churc h in the city and this man who was so much admired was saying being a Christian was just a fancy humanism. 

So was this police doctor saying that physicians weren’t important. He believed in computers and silly things and thought medicine was a drama. I ‘m the dramatist. I’m the psychosomatic doctor who believes all we do is placebo enhancement.

He’s a cement brain. So many people in the centre of the city ant hills don’t get any other perspective. I like being up on the side of the mountain or alone at sea. I talk to God there.

God doesn’t care if a man or woman sucks my cock or if I lick a vagina or suck a cock.  God isn’t a pervert and small minded like man is. God cares if we know him. God cares if we have him in our lives.  God cares if we do the right thing.  Jesus never talked about sex.  

Everything Jesus actually emphasized is overlooked. Yet sex is all it’s about. What about gluttony and avarice.  All the fat ladies who get angry about ‘fat’ ‘shaming’ . All the hoarders.  I love Jesus. 

I love the teachers of all the spiritual leaders but they all taught yesterday. Today is what I know of God and Today I want to be closer to God and know God more nearly and more dearly and serve God.  

Some days I think of retiring so I can get a job in an office like I did when I was an executive assistant in England and all the boys and girls made fun of me saying I should wear a skirt because typing was a ‘girl’s job’. But I was at the cutting edge of keyboards and the money was better there than it was working on the oil rigs in the North Sea. But today I’d like to sit in an office and wear a skirt and white blouse and be ‘clean’ and ‘pretty’ and ‘not sweat’ and like the Hindu monk sit with my serving bowl seeing what God brings.

I’ve been chasing God and know too well the hound of heavens and see the footprints in the sand. I’d like to be Mary. I’ve been Martha too long.  But todays Mary doesn’t want Martha to stop working.  Today’s feminists want it all and like the preying mantis they chop of the heads of men and abort the Canadian babies given the work of generations of men to the carpetbagger friends of the criminals in charge.  A lawyer stole millions from my Reeve granfather and the government did nothing.  

In war Men die and women weep. I’d like to be the one to weep,. I’d like a try at being the ‘victim’. If rape is inevitable I’d like to lie back and enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy it when young. I felt forced consoled and betrayed and abused and no one cared then or later and the government suports the victimizer. It pays terrorists $10 million dollars.

The College Police asked ‘what did I do to upset the man’ who was threatening to kill me. This sterile inexperience d luddites know nothing of reality living in their privileged basements mommy’s boy men who have never faced a violent man threatening to kill them. I said no golddam it .I said no I will not write a prescription for drugs.I said no I won’t break my oath.I know you know nothing of integrity. Your statements show me that. And I worry because you have power and you hold the gun and I said no . I di the right thing. My dog was murdered by a drug dealer I refused to say had a clean urine when his urine was dirty. My patient threatened to kill me and you punished me by demanding I explain why I upset him and defending myself before your incompetence and ignorance. I’d agreed to ‘judge by a jury of my peers’ but none of you had said ‘no’ and been with the dangerously insane. You don’t know that if you say ‘don’t kill your self to a schizophrenic’ they will believe you said ‘kill yourelf’. You don’t know kill the messengers. you are embarrassing and you are now the one with the gun and you don’t know enough to wipe your own bum. Silly unaccountable people parachuted into positions of authority by corrupt.

I want an new identity. I want Meteora or Cappadoecia. I want God. I want to surrender to God and know it’s okay. The past is gone., The vindication that have been the story of my life will happen. My enemies all experience horrible deaths or loss because I’m a nice guy and by the time they cross me they’ve crossed a whole lot of people who don’t play by the rules.  

That’s why I liked genetics and immunology and why I’m looking at the law of attractions and my life and why I’ve attracted negativity. But they greatest men I know like Jesus have been crucified. The Count of Monte Christo is a metaphor. The stupid deceitful Trudeaus of the world are a dime a dozen.  I liked Martin Luther King. I liked Kennedy.  I like history as a fiction. The past is past.  I let go and make a future. I can be reborn as a man in a dress and avoid that whole world of ‘court’. Like King Lear I’d like to talk of court things ‘whose in , whose out’.  

The war between communism and totalitarianism. Sharia Communism and democracy and traditional constitutional monarchies and freedom and Christianity are lining up. The first shot across the bow was Covid and now were ready for the biological war , the unconventional war that the Communist Chinese promise and the sea forces face off around the China seas and the Rothsteins and Biddfenborgs and the CVatholic church h and Putin and Saudi Prince and all these ‘gods’ of the modern world. Media stars like Zeus and Aphrodite of old are moving their pieces and pawns on the chessboard.  

I’m wanting to wear a bikini on a beach instead of camouflage. I’m a coward. I think I became a doctor because I was afraid of killing and being maimed. It was the Vietnam war era and I was a peacenik but I didn’t blame the soldiers . I sang Universal Soldier. But at the end of the day I laughed when the song ‘was it wrong that I shared a bum’ was sung of the WWI trenches body parts flying over as two men hugged. I love satire.  I loved the black humour of the Vietnam war era. Today I like the seniors who struggle under the abuse of nursing homes.

The story that the media fails to tell is the abuse of the compis mantis in nursing homes and the Communist Chinese buying nursing homes nad the death of the old for negligence and Trudeau pushing ‘euthanasia’ instead of spending money on health care. All the girls who’ve had abortions in the last decade have told me they couldn’t ‘afford’ to have a child. The old now say they dfonh’t want to live in the squalor and chronic pain and poor health care of the nursing homes with all the high stepping Trudeau fascist rules to ‘protect you’.  

Oh well. today is a day I can enjoy the sun. I am blessed with the sunshine and green of summer. The blue sky today is beautiful.  I love my coffee.  

Thank you Jesus. This too will pass and it all matters little in the eternity of heavenly love.  Help me to be the best person I can be Lord.  Help me serve and do better each day.