Friday, light day

Friday is my light day. I used to do a methadone clinic Friday morning so I could take the afternoon off to go camping. Laura had the afternoon off and we’d beat the rush hour for the weekend,  Then Covid came and I stopped doing the methadone clinic. I still take Friday off but now use it as an overflow and unscheduled appointment time plus getting errands done.  People with government jobs and salaried jobs have ‘actual’ time off. People in business and private practice have no ‘free time’ during the work week. There’s rarely lunch and no coffee breaks and work extends to evenings and weekends.  Weekends commonly serve solely as a time to get the necessary things done to be back at work on Monday to make the money to pay the overhead, staff and taxes. Today taxes are all consuming. Every aspect of life is taxed.

Once a single income could buy a house, garage and car and support another adult and two children. Before Liberal communism struck Canada there was a middle class. Now there is, like in all communist countries, an elite, the dictatorship, a very small crony insider group and the peasants or proletariat. They call me a ‘health care worker’. I was once a ‘physician’.  When I began there was a ‘meritocracy’.  Today it’s mediocrity. The ‘doctor police’ euphemistically called the ‘College’ are without ‘boundaries’ and know no limit to their involvement in the individual lives of doctors. Doctors are indeed treated as ‘state employees’ and held to standards of ‘perfectionism’ while these ‘administrative doctrors’ are the lowest standard. The utter fiasco of federal mismanagement of the Covid crisis in Canada under Trudeau’s unethical tyranny is evidence of the lack of administrative competence in Canada. Fortunately our local Premier, Mr. Horgan and Health Minister, Mr. Dix buffered the federal fiasco.  Anyway I am past my shelf life working in late life after a life time of service and working in the most dangerous, most needy areas of medicine with the least pay and least support.  When I leave there will be no one taking over.  A half dozen of my colleagues, foolish doctors like me, professionals, old style doctors with primary allegiance to the patient, not to the ‘State” and “College’.  Today the totalitarian hierarchy of the Liberal government, that committee dictatorship, has infiltrated the very fabric of the ‘health care worker’ system with doctors being told ‘do as you’re told’ and ‘don’t think’ and ‘if you step out of line you will be punishedl’.  Censorship now rules medicine.  The State is mopping up. Doctors’ are learning rapidly ‘don’t question’.  Don’t disagree.  Do as you are told. The only ones who are allowed to ‘think’ are the ‘administrative ‘ class, the Communist ‘apparatichik’s.  The Bureaucrats. It is 1984 and yet somewhere the Perrenial Philosophy still persists.

Trungpa says that the western mind is ‘spiritual consumerism’.  It approaches spirituality as a ‘smorgasboard’ and precedes to ‘sample’ and ‘take shots’.  Meanwhile there is a god. I had a calling into medicine.  I have forsworn positions which hurt patient and yet brought immense wealth to the doctor.  I have not done the jack stepping now common with corporate communist medicine focusing on personal advancement by ‘lick and kick’ policy going for the ‘fat cat’ high paid ‘bureaucrat positions.  I’ve continued without pension, without benefits, without lunch, without coffee breaks and with constant demands by patients for what the College and government no longer allow or offer. The ‘idea’ that ‘Health care’ was ‘medical care’ or even ‘patient care’ is a lie. Today health care is defined as gender education and packistant and countless committeee meeting in ottawa for the umteenths time to create paper never read or followed because no money goes to the front lines. I”ve been on the front lines for 40 years and I know that the wealth and resources aren’t there.  Not where I’ve been.  I go to the palatial dwelling of administration and I see wealth the likes of communist countries bourgeoisie dictatorship. Of course there’s virtue signalling and Mao’s Jacket.  I bought a pair of Trudeau’s socks, the talk of the town.  They cost me $80  His suits are tens of thousands.  We’re not talking about a ‘man of the people’. We are talking about a boy who never held a ‘real’ job and today tells me I must pay more taxes. I’m a senior.  I’m tired. 

I just took my Ford F-350 for service.  I will be seeing a doctor later this morning.  I have to schedule post office visits.  I’m going to do my laundry again.  

When I entered medical pracctice all the male doctors had an assistant called a ‘wife’ who took care of everything from the accounting and business to the house and vehicle maintenance as well as raising the kids. I married a medical doctor so in addition to doing two jobs to meet her financial desires so she could choose a low paid high status job while enjoying luxury paid for by me whose low status work also paid for her cleaning lady and I was the wife…..well….half my class were female and today none of my colleagues have that ‘assistant’. Everyone is working but for the Liberal Elite. They are called the Party.  It’s all they do is ‘party’.  

Now I’m thankful for today because it’s a day off. I ‘m winding down.  

When I started work as a psychiatrist all my patients had good relationships and jobs and despite outwardly being successful were unhappy. I did psychoanalytic psychotherapy and we addressed childhood trauma and loss and worked through knots that had stopped them from the success they experienced after months of therapy,. Today all my patients are struggling with inordinate demands in work and relationships.  It’s all social work. I’m prescribing medications to help them bear up another day in face of stress.

When I began I was told if the problem could be solved with a vacation or an extra $10,000 the problem wasn’t psychiatric, it was government and social and stress.  Today almost all of my patients need a vacation and need an extra ten thousand dollars. So many of the mothers I see simply don’t have the two nannies that Sophie Trudeau has. 

I like my work. I just feel terribly sad for my patients who don’t have ‘freedom of information’, so only get ‘propaganda’ and buy into all the lies of the STATE. I know they’re really doing their best. I know their education system was propaganda and baby sitting and they are ill prepared even to pay back student loan debts. 

Covid was brutal all psychiatric patients. Overdose, relapse, depression, anxiety, and despair.

I often feel like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the hole in the damn,

I know I have to ‘look on the bright side of life’ but I think of Monty Python’s utube video of that name.

I journal and call it ‘squeezing the puss out of my brain’.  Writing down the negatives means I don’t think of them through the day. My brain is fooled to think I’ve taken the gloom ad doom and catastrophizing seriously 

I follow with gratitude lists, giving my head a shake.

I believe in a loving God. Also this too will pass.  Creation is the imagination of God and the law of attraction says that if I focus on the positive then I attract this or at very least am open to it   I have a very blessed life. I have shelter, food, clothing, a delightful puppy companion, I have friends and family. I’m loved and respected.

But what people think of you, what your ‘reputation’ is can change or be changed in a moment. The authorities are always manipulating the media and the reputations. I was ‘falsely accused by a pschopath’ and my enemies who I’ve made by having pedophiles arrested and refusing to say alcoholics could fly and various other things I’ve done which thge authorities only virtue signal about because the administration never has ‘brave’ people there today like they once did but rather ‘cowardly’ ‘mediocre’ ‘yes men’. I don’t blame them.  Most people are weak and bureaucracy attracts the lowest form of administration mostly people who are ‘loyal’ because they want a good life for family. It’s not a problem I just object to their arrogance.

The fundamental rule of professionalism was ‘a jury of your peers’ and a ‘prince among prince’. The ‘md’ degree meant ‘equality’ except in area of ‘subspecialiszation’. We deferred to ‘expertise’ not rank. In the military the captain is below a colonel, But in medicine in the days of professionalism the doctor was equal by rank but differed by expertise. I might be a colonel of artillery but I deferred to a captain of infantry.  We have reverted today to ‘might is right’.  The boss man.  In the military you ‘saluted the rank’ but accepted a lot of leadership were ‘wankers’.  That’s the way it is today. They are ordering us and fear mongering is the norm.  

That’s communism.

That’s stupidity, That’s barbarism.

I am grateful today to be alive. I’m breathing. I’m meditating. I’m praying ,. I’ m asking God for sanity. I’m asking god to restore my health. At then end of a week of talking to the mentally ill I’m utterly depleted. I miss when we could ‘triangulated’ and I was a gp and I fixed the body, The neurologist treats the brain. I love the idea of my colleagues who play ‘junior neurologist’ but I’m a ‘mind doctor’.  I treat the ‘biopscyhosocialspiriatual’ condition.  I was called the ‘complaints department for god’. Psychiatrist was the ‘priest of science’.  

I believe the STATE is insane and my patients need the asylum so they can have the bars to ;protect them from the bullies and the rapacious taxman and the bureaucrat cannibals. The Irish had to bury their potatoes. The government is ruining the middle class. So many of my patients lost their businesses,  So many old and righteous people died without their families there around them.  Their final days were no different than criminals.  

I’m thankful for what I have but I’m always talking to God asking ‘what ‘s the purpose. What is the meaning. What am I to do . »

I eat and sleep and go through the motions. I prescribe the right medications, made the right diagnosis and do the next right thing,

But Friday increasingly I’m just recovering from the ‘soul sucking’. I’m wounded by the despair.  I’m distrusted because the leadership are wearing $80 socks and surrounded by men with guns driving in private jets and gas guzzling SUV’s giving millions to terrorists and arresting kids playing hockey and ministers with swat teams and letting arsonists who are setting the towns on fire go free because they vote liberal.  Or something.It’s all above my pay grade. I don’t get in the US why Chaz can go on for two weeks, government buildings invaded an burned and suddenly a school tour of the Capitol with the only loss of life being a target right wing woman veteran killed by security while the clown brigade is out onf the streets free and they were rioting weeks before that. I don’t understand why it’s okay to call it the ‘Spanish flu’ but not okay to call it the ‘wuhan’ flu.

I don’t know anymore.  I’m afraid when I ask questions of people for fear they will be offended and burn my house down. I had a dukabor on my roof dousing it with gas once in my career and I don’t want liberals doing the same.  The Liberals are the majority and they scare me now.  Thankfully locally the government hasn’t fallen to the poverty of mind that reigns in the east.  

I’m okay.

It’s going to get better. It’s summer. I was on holidays and my first day was utter fatigue and soul weary, Talking to all the angry marijuana smokers gets me. They all think it’s okay and don’t see how it’s the reason for they having the difficulties that alcoholics eventually learned were the cause. I remember when smokers, 2 pack ad day, shouted at me that they had pneumonia and ‘just fucking give me the penicillin….my smoking has nothing to do with my lung disease.’

Now they complain to the college and the doctors are punished for staying the problem is their addiction.  My life has beers threatned so many times in this field telling the truth.

Thank god for Prochaska and Miller - preconteplation’.  They don’t want to change.  They say they do but they don’t want to.  Give them cigarettes the government says, give them heroin. Give them drugs.  Save medical care for the elite.  

It takes a day to recover from a week of work.  Tomorrow I’ll want to play.  Today I’m just getting things done. The doctor’s visit. The truck. The laundry. The shopping. The errands.  

I love the sun. I remember years ago began able to lie in the sun on lawn chairs and at the beach. When I was a young doctor I’d actually have time off and I’d do that.  There was so much time and gas didn’t cost a kidney and I didn’t wonder how many more days can I work. I didn’t calculate that I’d be punished for being a good doctor and I didn’t calculate that the government would tax and destroy the law abiding citizens. I know all these criminals and they really are highly successful. When I was young I thought the law would go after the criminals but the ‘falsely acussing’ , the’liars’ and the ‘slackrs’ andeven the terrorists are rewarded by this government.

Everywhere there is censorship.

I’m at the end of an era.

I’ve been punished for saying ‘fuck’ paid hundreds of thousands of dollars and years of my life for speaking truly and for being so highly educated and knowledgeable of my culture and educated beyond all the bureaucrats , a low level bunch chosen for their loyalty and mediocrity, Commuists.

I’m struggling with my anger. Anger is fear. I’m afraid of aging. I’m afraid of needing the Canadian health care system seeing what’s become of it. I’m afraid of the stupid people.

I’m afraid of people who hate the transgender and the white people and the seniors. I’m afraid of the Liberals.  I have to admit my fears.  

Anxiety is a measure of your distance from God and equally a measure of your humanity,.’

Please God be with me .  Holy Spirit come. Christ before me, christ behind me, Christ to the right of me. Christ to the left of me. Christ in the thoughts of all who think of me,. Christ in my words. Christ in my thoughts.  Christ within.  Christ without.  Help me to be more loving. Help me to be a better doctor. A better human. A better friend and relation. Help me to be a better master to my puppy.

Thank you for all your blessings Lord!!!!!