Family and Tribe

My Jewish friend commented not too long ago, “I feel like I’m a 21st century person living with century people who look like me.”” We’d been discussing immigrants coming from dictatorships either communist or royal,  I’d just been reading about pockets and bubbles where these people who’d been here a while were self segregated by their dress.  

“I meet people who never heard of the Magna Carta, The French and American Revolution or the Fall of the Wall.  They have this other history and are pro authority. They’re  here to make more money. They are living in a different urban centre but their God is money and they don’t want to upset the status quo. It’s the new consumer materialism.”

The reformer is the enemy of the status quo.  I said.

I’m an individual,

I have always identified as a Canadian until Trudeau who denied not only the existence of Alberta but also the existence of Canada.  “I’m a transnational,” he said. I’d rather liked the word ‘trans’ till it slithered out of his forked tongue.

His cabinet minister asked what he would do if he lost the election said, “I’d go home to Somalia and return to politics there”.  He said

I’d already was beginning to realize I didn’t have a ‘home’ anymore. My father, mother, brother, aunt and uncles were dead and had only a next generation of children who had their own lives and values and couldn’t possibly understand as I never understood my WW II veteran RCAF father our his values.  Family was what motivated mom and he.

I have identified with many causes.  Raised in church, a Christian, I’ve loved God but studied Hinduism and Buddhism, Taoism and Judaism.  I didn’t see their God as ‘different’ just the religions that man made around the spirituality of the close encounters.  I prayed and meditated and studied the varieties of religion and even studied the less scientific religion of aetheism, the latest man made explanation.  

I remember as a young man I was a hippy and peacenik, studying St. John of the Cross and Gandhi, learning the history of Christianity, the Mennonites and later Merton and Houston.  I enjoyed meeting Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu. I meditated with Benedictine Monks and Yogis and watched the dancing dervishes.  I sang folk songs, hymns and played rock and roll.  John McCartney, Lennon, Lightfoot, Mitchell, Dylan and such were my gurus and prophets.

I had a sense of belonging in the ‘counter culture’, a insider outsider.  One day I was being billy clubbed by the authorities and next day the Mayor was marching beside me.  I was anti establishment then establishment. I was expelled from high school for reciting a poem I wrote with the word fuck in it and 40 years later I was told that I would be expelled from medicine and lose my license to practice medicine because a woman objected to my saying I used the word ‘fuck’ as in ‘fuck off’ and doctors should not be allowed to use vulgarity.  I am still trying not to say ‘fuck’ at a time when there is an all tine shortage of doctors.  The administration class has however reach a new high with laws against saying there are too many chiefs and no Indians as the middle class is destroyed infinitude of elite and all us front liners and those before the wire are shot in the back and discarded in new language.  Euthanasia and abortion have replaced life and Liberty .  Censorship abounds. It really is Black Friday.  The new hypocrisy .

Today I’m at that age where my rich friend with family and a sense of accomplishment and belong are retiring.  I’m still working and can’t think of anything better.  I’m physically accepting that much of my life was fueled by health.  I’m considered for the third year selling my escape pod, my world class off shore sail boat I sailed solo in winter through hurricane with. I’m working to pay the repair of my Camper which I’d got to do Steinbeck’s ‘Travel’s with Charley’. 

I don’t pass as transgender but act out a kind of Klinger , black like me. Once sex and love were like peace and other words but today escape doesn’t have the appeal. I have no hone to go to and the question is whether to surrender or accept my position has been over run. I look around at my cohort and so many are simply waiting to die, doing the same old same old.  We all share stories of aches and pains and worn body parts.  We’ll be meeting God any day.  It’s not like we’re in the lake, we’re in the river and some of us can hear the falls.  

The question is who we are playing too. Who is the audience?  Who are the critics?  Do I want to play Shakespeare or Monty Python., I an in the 21st venture. One step ahead of the crowd you’re a leader Two steps ahead of the crowd, you’re a martyr.

She told me she was really glad to not be in the Middle East anymore and that she’d moved to Canada.  “I didn’t like that they were killing homosexuals in my country.  It’s much better here in Canada. But do you think homosexuals shouldn’t be in jail.”

 

Home Sweet Home, (Yuma Trip)

I left the excellent Motel 6 in Albany, great rooms, great staff,  perfect I5 location.  Right off the road.  Loved this accommodation.  In the morning didn’t get away till 830 am.  I arrived at the border at 3 pm.  The distnce Albany to Vancouvrr was 384.4 miles (618.6 km)6 hour and 30 minutes. I had a half hour wait at the border and the distance from the border to Vancouver is 52 km or 1 hour drive.

I was au femme at the border with the new red warm puffy coat I’d bought for $70 in Eureka.  They asked me where I’d been, Yuma, what I was doing? (work cation — checking out the area for future use bringing down my RV, wanted to drive it and check out RV parks (example River’s Edge) and if I’d had contact with anyone?. Other than hotel staff and food services. No.  How much are you bringing back? Under a thousand , a few hundred dollars.  I said I’d bought some purses for gifts and some meds for my personal use.  He seemed to be teaching someone and since I’m not a criminal and it’s $200 a day, and $1600 allowance I really was within my alottment.  I was thankful to get through and happy to be back in Canada. 

It was dark when I got to my home and a sign on the door asked that I check the water as freezing temperatures were expected. -3 degrees. I couldn’t see any problem but phone Kelvin at Travco last night to ask him to come by and check it out. He’d installed the new hot water heater but it all looked well to me.  Just saw him this morning and he’s going to be coming by.

Royal Columbia thought I was going to be by Monday but I sent the original email saying I could start there Wednesday , that I was leaving Nov 5 and it was a 4 to 6 day drive.  I had forgotten that I was starting at Docside today virtual so was glad to hear from Mary Lou that I was.  

I paid the tax instalment as Royal Columbia couldn’t transfer my pay so I was glad to have over draft as CRA charge $500 late fee for instalments automatically.  

I had to get the heat back on too and succeeded in that, first the electric then the propane. 

Madigan was happy to be in his neighbourhood and sniffing everything when I walked him briefly about last night.

I made soup and got Yellowstone fron Parliament on Prime.

Tried to talk to Laura but she was only texting.  Working on the phone all day she abhors the phone. Madigan and I just wanted to hear her voice, 

I’ll be glad to get to my Wednesday meeting. 

It was a great trip and my back pain is still present but I’m alive and had a month less winter, and none of the November dreary rains.  

I’d not put on tights and the chill was really apparent on my bare legs when I stopped the Mini Cooper outside my home.  I was so glad I had hidden a key and found that immediately,  I wished I’d pressed the trip meeting to know how much travelling I’d done. It was 5000 km return. 

5000 km return in my Mini Cooper with Madigan,  Laura and I had done the San Diego trip in 2 weeks at Christmas when I bought the Mini initially so I could take Blind Gilbert down to the beaches and we could experience some heat, Laura hadn’t like driving at night.  Madigan had loved the beaches.  4500 km that time.

This was a lot better, with three weeks of work and down time.  I liked staying in the US and visiting Mexico but I felt safe everywhere,  I just worry about theft and a bit for my dog. The Mexican dogs had ganged up on Shinto and I know Mexico theives work together one to distract and one to rob.  I’m older now and don’t see my fighting my way out of a confrontation especially with my dog along.  Not that I don’t believe Madigan would assist.  I’m so glad it all well well.

Thank you Jesus. I certainly prayed the whole time

 I enjoyed Season 5 , the first episode of Yellow Stone

Driving home I’d enjoyed listening to the Hit a second time by David Baldacci.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do when I grow up but figure I’ll work another year to pay off the cost of the Camper repairs. I think I’ll sell the SV Giri despite the nostalgia and feeling I’m letting go a part of my life,  The future is the canper I think,  This here is my home and I don’t think it would work for travelling.  Too big,  I really have to downsize this year,  

What a great Adventure.  Snowbird status.  I guess my next hope is to do 2 -3  months of this with the camper next winter as a Workation.  I only wished I’d had the privacy to work in the sun rather than being in the dark hotel room , Given the long drive I’d like to do a week travelling each way rather than 10 hour days x 4.  The longer away would be best. I do like the season I’ve returned to my my back hurts and I’d like to get a massage as soon as possible and establish the nightly hot tub and swim. 

It’s all well

Thank you Jesus for keeping Madigan and I safe.

Albany, South of Portland, (Yuma trip)

I left Eureka, California  at 8 am and arrived here at 6 pm.  I did Eureka to Florence Oregon distance  312.6 miles (688 km)  (6 hr 15 min)  on the US 101 N.  I did this to miss Grant’s Pass whose weather report was rain and snow. I had sunny day till afternoon rain.  It was flat though.  I then drove East 61 miles. (98 km) on the OR 126E.   I continued on the Interstate 5 to Portland making it to Albany This was 45.5 miles (75 km)  10  hours driving.  I only did 418.5( 920.7 km).  I can only assume the longer driving and shorter distance was a result of 100 km driving in the rain and winding roads.  I was going slow enjoying the spectacular view.  I was also listening to a great Michael Connelly audio Bosch book, called Dessert Star.  

It became dark at 5 and I saw the Motel 6.  I was lucky to get a ground floor dog friendly room .  Motel 6 is my go to travelling with a dog. They’ve always welcomed us.  I like Best Western and Holiday Inn but each had limits and individual hotels don’t accept dogs. Motel 6 is great/. No rugs helps.

I loved passing the area where Gilbert , my last cockapoo became blind and I brought him to Oregon to run on the beaches, I still cry seeing him running down the beach knowing he wouln’t run into anything He’d been banging into everything and had lost his confidence. Here on the beaches of Oregon I cried to see him regain his joy. Cocapoos love to run. Madigan meanwhile found a dead bird but did run on the beach some. Gilbert was a boating dog so we were always dinging ashore from the Giri and he’d run like the wind down the beach.  

It’s fun to have Madigan along. I’ve been able to walk more on the way back. The sciatica on the way down made our only exercise limping from the car to the pet area for pee and poop.  This trip I’ve had a bit more capacity for walking, The pain is much less .  He’s happy. We’ve had many stops, pee breaks for me. Oregon is just like BC with loggin roads an lots of wilds to pee breaks for dog and man.  

I liked passing through Coos Bay remembering putting in there when the SV GIRI filled with smoke and Sherry Tom and I initially  thought the engine was on fire. Instead it was a leaking exhaust manifold and no flames just black smoke.  .  I contact the American Coast Guard to say we were coming in to Coos Bay and would be crossing the sand bars at low tide.  That all went well and we docked.  The next couple of days Tom fashioned an exhaust manifold that worked there after. We were then on our way.  

I’d stop at Coos Bay when I sailed solo to San Francisco. 

Laura and I drove down to San Diego with Gilbert.  The US 101 has a lot of nostalgia attached to it.   I’ve driven back this way several other times before with the VW Bug and the VW Volkswagen and also the car I had before the Mustang.  I love the coast and scenery.  I bought terrific Norwegian Fish and Chips 

Google says the distance from here to Vancouver Canada on the I5  is 384, 4 miles or 6 hours.  That should mean I’ll at the US Canada border crossing tomorrow after noon.  This driving is a marathon, I’ll be glad to back home and stationary for a while.  Madigan is going to like being in charge in his home with more space and attention.  He’ll be glad to see his friends Emory and Bella and Luka too.  He’s not had a lot of socialization with other dogs on this trip.   We’ve both been pretty much alone other than work so it will be nice to re encounter the world.

Coos Bay

Eureka California {Yuma Trip)

5:30 pm and we’re in another Motel 6 in Eureka.  We left from the Motel 6 on I5,  296 miles south of San Francisco.  The distance from San Francisco to Eureka is 271 miles or 4 hours and 37 minutes. Today I drove 9 hours and the distance was 271 plus 296, a total of 562 miles or 1247.4 km.  I didn’t stop for lunch.  Had a Egg sausage at Mac Donalds.  

I didn’t get off the free way.  The highlight was crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.  

Memories of coming into harbour with Gilbert and Angel and memories of leaving harbour with Gilbert and Angel, and watching land disappear and I began sailing 24 solo in winter through a hurricane to the Kona , Hawaii.  

I am so thankful to have made Eureka. I arrived at 4 50 just in time to buy a warm coat that was water resistant. I lost my fall jacket I drove down with.  The last few hours the weather became quite cold .  I am glad I made it and now have a winter fall winter coat that will serve me well tomorrow . Tonight I ‘ll use it for walking the Madigan on the lawn out back.  

The time I drove Pendergast  my Baha VW Beatle from Canada en route to San Francisco I’ll just dropped my companion off to hitchhike to Eureka after hitting a deer. I pulled into a diner and as I got out of the car the two front wheels fell off. The fellow in the diner said he was a Volkswagen mechanic and would help me fix it the next day.  Sheered lug nuts from hitting the deer that had been hit by the big truck ahead of us.  We’d just sailed over the carcass.  I always thought it was one of the most godly synchronistic moments.  

That’s when I first heard of Eureka. I’ve passed this way before and here I am again.  

It was a lot of territory today , going from south of SF heat then the bare hillls to the Red wood Forest. Major transitions.  

It says it’s 12 hours on the I5 and I’m taking the coast 101.  It says that’s 17 hours. I want to miss the altitude at Grant’s Pass and Sisykou.  Rain and snow are forecast for tomorrow. It’s actually a shorter distance taking the 101 Pacific Coast route.  I could cross back to the I5 there or go on through Aberdeen,   I expect that decision can wait for tomorrow night after a 9 hour drive.  I am driving in the Mini Cooper with all wheel tires .  I expect it can do it just fine but I wouldn’t like wind and rain and snow. I’m also considering coming down and back with the camper or hauling an RV or taking a bus so figure this is a good recannaisance.  Wind rain and snow are less than ideal conditions so we’ll take longer getting back.  

I’ve not been driving at night as well.  No need for speed. I’m exhausted each night from a long day of driving.  

Great scenery.

Motel 6, i5 south of San Francisco. (on return from Yuma)

I left the Best Western in Yuma at 745 am . The distance from Yuma to San Diego was 171 mile (275 km), approx 2 hour and 37 minutes according to Google. I stopped at the Marina to pee. It was exciting to see the Pacific Ocean and San Diego harbour

I drove over this hill in a residential area and there it was.

I drove from San Diego to Los Angeles.  Google give3 th distance as 120.5 miles (120 km) and 1 hour and 51.  I stopped at at Burger King so Madigan and I could have our burgers.  

Then I drove from Los Angeles to here, 300 miles short of San Francisco. Google says the distance from Los Angeles to San Francisco is 381.9 miles (615 km) or 5 hours and 41 minutes.  I’m 296 miles south of San Francisco in this  Motel 6 with Madigan. They’re almost European in their simlicity, friendliness and acceptance of dogs.  

I liked seeing this in the Best Western parking lot.

I stop at most rest areas , getting 15 minute break on the hour.  Lunch was at most an hour.  I filled up half tanks twice.  

So I started at roughly 8 am and finished at 6 pm - 10 hour driving. 1201.2 km or 546 miles,  It seemed like at lot longer but as I was travelling at 120 km / hour mostly on freeway it jives with 1201 km.  6mph and 10 hr gives close to 546 too so I guess this is accurate.  I was at 4000 km in the hills.

It was tiring especially the last hour  in the dark.  Sunset just after 5.  Warm day.  I wore a jean skirt and t shirt with sandals I changed to boots at a rest stop.

I had pull off the road to pee and some police saw my car in the bush and came to see if anything was wrong  I heard them and came out as quick as I could.  Said all was well , “I was just peeing’.  So I jumped in the car behind Madigan who’d picked up a hard piece of cow poop.  I chucked that out before I drove off.  This was up in the foothills. I’d see a sign camping but took the dump turn off 

I listened to the radio. Mostly Mexican. I didn’t like much music but it was a break.  I prayed a lot. Madigan wanted to climb in my lap but I didn’t let him.  I’m downloading audiobooks for tomorrow.

It ‘s unlikely I’ll make it home till Sunday. I read it was 15 hours, 1000 miles (2,200 km).  10 hours was exhausting for me today.  I’m glad I’ve taken the coastal route. It’s been great weather compared to the rain storm coming down.  My sciatica is much better. I just have a twinge of pain standing up from sitting and some soreness walking Madigan. But I’m not brought to my knees and I can walk without tearing soul destroying pain that seemed to ignore the pain killers.  Now I’m here and I feel okay.

I’m looking forward to a good nights sleep.

I’m still moving like I’m in the car. Almost like sea legs.  

I felt less than in the nautical world dressed au femme.  I found that unusual but all of San Diego was that experience. I didn’t care and no body dit in LA but in San Diego I was awkward.  Driving was fine but when I got out of the car at rest stops I felt little confidence. I thought this whole experiment was insane too. I thought I should purge and go masculine . It’s all just boredom and anxiety. I need to get off Netflix and Social media and set some goals like writing the books or taking courses. I’ve been coasting and resting on my laurels.  Patients have been phoning me Friday night. I’lll answer in a day or two, I tell them all my patients I’m not on call but they can have my number and I’ll get back to them in a day or two if it’s a straight forward question especially about medications,  

I really felt and looked relaxed when I left this morning.  

I’m going back to winter and rain and likely snow.  I listened to Christmas Carole’s on the Christian radio station, That was a good half hour or so while I had the reception.  

Thank you Jesus for keeping us safe and caring for Madigan and I. .  Thank you for the Mini Cooper,  

San Diego



San Diego

Motel 6 i5

Yuma, 0540,

Almost can’t believe it’s over. I’ve been 25 days at Best Western Mall Hotel, rm 272. I arrived on the 5th after 4 days driving. I arrived a day before planned so had to stay one night in another hotel.  

My sciatica after 4 days driving was still very painful.  It’s been with me the whole trip but with exercise and ibuprofen ,cyclobenzaprine, Robaxin, Acetominophen, ketorolac I’ve managed.  I was at 3 pill 4 times a day of various combinations till the last couple of weeks when I reduced pain meds to 2 to 3 a day with flexeril at night.  I found voltaren creams gave the greatest relief those nights I was woken by pain and couldn’t get back to sleep. The other surprise was the benefit of cold immersion therapy, the freezing water in the pool more a relief it seemed than the hot jacuzzi.

 

The whole time I was here and my trips into Mexico for feminizing medication I dressed au femme.  It just became clothing and rarely raised an eyebrow. I was a well dressed senior .  Period.  I didn’t wear lipstick or breast forms working.  But I did wear bikini’s too the pool and lie on the lawn chairs in bikinis.  The sun wasn’t as hot as I imagined. I worked 4 days a week, it being dark when I finished. When I do it again I’ll take 2 hour lunch to get some more sun tanning. The Rover dog sitting fell through because of the irresponsible sociopathic behaviour of the dog sitter who was truly so narcissistic I couldn’t trust Madigan with her. So I took him to Los Algodones with me and he did just fine.

I have gained a lot of insight into transgenderism, read many papers.  The free will determinism argument of genetics over choice is at variance with my scientific knowledge and experience.  I don’t accept the idea I was born in a different body because God made a mistake. If that were true I could argue equally and have I’m a different species.  For adults WYPATH says 16 as the earliest age for so called puberty blocker drugs.  16 is a reasonable age because it has been the age of consent for other sexual medicine consideration.  Surgical procedures can wait till 18 given that being a soldier that is the age of consent.

I’m still uncertain if my ‘black like me’ exploration is not obsessional.  I note that men and women prefer pants whereas I associated pants with work and like my painted nails and skirts as much a I liked sweats.  Wearing a bra daily just means that by the end of the day I want it off. I might well be a nudist trapped in clothes..  Today I’m as happy with sweats  at home watching tv.  An interesting development.  The outcome of the unnatural become natural. There’s no taboo. I can dress as I like so long as I’m respectable. 

It’s been a journey of acceptance,  Gender is a new country.  I like the inclusive smiles some women have shared.  I liked being told by the young mexican man that that week was Transgender week and he thought I looked great.  Nobody had a hostile response.  Most people mind their own business.  Really.  

I’ve had a wonderful adventure of a life with significant disappointments.   I suspect that when Trudeau goes I’ll be happy as a man.  The anti male atitudes of Canada have contributer to my MASH Klinger response to the inflow of communism and evil politically.  I suspect smoking marijuana affects hormones and my psychological being was affected by the marijuania use decades ago.  The bullying certainly has had it’s affect.  False allegations and lies.  Castrating government and females.  

Also aging. Which is better to be an old man or an old woman?  The key element for me is that I’m childless.

Death is foreseeable too.  I feel in limbo a lot.  

I’m looking forward to being on the road again.  I’m almost all packed. Just need to shower and put away the toiletries .  I’ve a couple of extra small bags and will need to have load and unload for another 3 nights after days of travelling west and north.  

I’ve prayed for guidance and help.  I ‘ve prayed for family and friends. Now I pray for a safe journey for Madigan and me.  Thank you St. Jude. Thank you Jesus.

Yuma, Arizona, USA, Last day

I am thankful that this is my last day of work in Yuma.  It was a great idea and a wonderful month to plan for.  Work has gone very well thanks to the clinic.  One was unable to figure out money transfer which is sad given money is their job but despite my passing on messages from the transfer app saying the sender’s institutions was the problem they didn’t solve this.  I was delighted the other clinic had no difficulty. These days solving problems at a distance dealing with institutions and AI continue to be irritations but everything but the one loose link was solveable.

I was delighted that I was able to get the car serviced and feel ready for the drive back.

I certainly hadn’t planned to have sciatica and it’s interfering my activity.  Chronic pain, low to middle level, with intermittent excruciating pain. I took 3 ibuprofen 4 times a day for a week at least along with a whopping load of Robaxin and nightly Flexeril and ketorolac, waking most nights till these last few with pain.  The pool being cold helped the pain and I’ve learned the benefit of cold immersion . I plan to get a belt to take cold packs and try wearing that some of the drive home.

I love Mexico I was able to go four times getting the ketorolac meds for a few dollars, buying christmas gifts. I liked the turquoise jewelry and the leather purses.  The later were a third or more less than in Canada. 

It was a disappointment that the Rover baby sitter failed to show up and was so irresponsible which such a bad attitude that I was without a baby sitter so couldn’t go to the historic sites in Yuma like the jail or museum. However Madigan was welcome everywhere in Mexico and had a great time.  I loved getting the unisex glasses.  I enjoyed the process and that they were also a third the cost.  

I’ve worked and paid for the trip and kept solvent and able to pay the terrible taxes.  I was away from the news and media mostly and had a lot of ‘my’ time with Madigan.  

I lived au femme and found that clothing and presentation became natural.  No negative experiences but able to face my own predjudices and stigma.  It lost it’s novelty and helped me understand aspects of myself and remember well the days of theatre and costume.  I’m weary of the ‘corporate hierarchy atitudes’.  The only attraction of retirement is the capacity to distance myself from that overly parental pontificating war model.  I have had great dreams and a certain playfulness.  

I’m embracing my aging more gracefully accepting the possibilities. 

Being away I’m looking forward to returning. I’ve had that experience at 3 weeks which I get when I’m restored and want to return home.

I had that magnificent dream of being in a storage room with all my possessions and memories and an appreciation for all I’ve accomplished .  I was happy with my achievements and cared little how I feel others especially the authorities disparage and their abuse stays with one bccause of their own trauma.  I have struggled to forgive and pray for others

My spiritual journey has been ODAAT. I’m able to more quickly catch myself and change my trajectory of negative selective traumatic memory, self people, fear and resentment. I’m enjoying meditation daily and thought exercise is painful I’m reaping the rewards.  

I have made a mess and clutter here in this hotel room in only weeks and tonight with tidy and stow.  I’ve used most of what I brought and know I could next time lighten the loaf with one less laptop and a third less clothing,  I never used the camping gear so didn’t need the duffel and tent. I might use them on the way back but the weather, night chill and rain make it less than likely,.

I do look forward to coming back

Thank you God for these achievements the blessings Thank you for your protections., Thank you for your love and care,

Lord Jesus Christ let me know you more deeply. Help me  to fulfill your desires.  

Thy will be done,

 

Yuma, Tues, day 19 since leaving vancouver

I am grateful today. I slept through the night without waking and having to take ketorolac, flexeril; and voltaren to get back to sleep.

I had a noumenistic dream last night. It was triggered by a request to assist a colleague. I had this dream I was in a high rise university tower and was greeted by full time staff and researchers. It might have been at UBC..  I was delighted to meet a revered psychiatrist from my early years of residency. It might have been Dr. Harry Prosen or Dr. Hurwitz. I said to the colleague « Now there goes years of wisdom ».  Then I was invited to a lunch where they served huge white sauce covered salmon steaks. I was delighted by the delicious meal and thought fondly of catching salmon and eating it barbecued on the back of my SV Giri.  Asked what I was thinking and I said , I was thinking how I was just catching and eating my own salmon out there and I pointed out the window to the Pacific.  I felt badly that I’d said I was just doing it and it was years before covid but Covid had affected my sense of time so that what seemed a year or two ago was more often a decade.  I talked with several colleagues and worried I was making faux pas, not being exact in my speech and being too involved in myself and the salmon steaks. I just felt so at home and welcome and one of.  I realized how much I feel like the song Desperado.  I then didn’t know if the fellow I was to supervise was as much a spy or at least by putting us together we were less alone. I wanted to but was a bit paranoid being betrayed so often.

It was a good dream.  I felt I could think about it. I woke and peed and went back to sleep feeling positive. I didn’t need to take medication to sleep.  It’s the feeling of belonging I miss. 

I loved my day in Los Aldogones . I found some progesterona.  GNC didn’t have any DHEA but I can get Laura what she wanted further along in the US.  GNC usually has it. I did get a bottle from the Vitamin store.  Cheap. It’s prescription in Vancouver. 

Tury’s Drugstore - www.pharmacyturys.com was helpful.  I bought more ketorolac. $5 for 50 pills.  

I bought another Elton John glasses at Soloptical . 2 hours and $200 ,  I’m now outfitted in glasses and came south with only 1 pair unable to find the other pair I had and worried I’d lose the one pair which I needed for driving. 

I worry about coming through the 10 lane free way in the LA foothills. I’ll be going back that way and hope it won’t be raining. I’ve the Siskiyou mountain pass to get over too though I think I can bypass by not taking I5 and taking I20 instead.  

Get your head in the same room your ass is bill!

Thank you God for

A apples , I bought some yesterday and had one. It was so tasty. From a store call Sprouts

B. Billy.  I’ve been call myself this again,  I’d been calling her amber but when I say my name is William and I’m wearing a dress it’s easy to say but I go by ‘billy’, the childhood name. The name I had when life was less heavy.

C. Car - I love my Mini Cooper racing green and it’s served so well.

D. Dog - I love madigan my cockapoo companion

E.  Evie. -I enjoy seeing Laura’s grandaughter pictures on FB in the back seat, her mom driving her to school

F Fun - I’m having fun this trip, a bit carefree.  

G.  God -I pray and meditate each day and enjoy the peace and serenity

H - Hay. - family

I. - I guess I’m loving myself more and this makes it easier to love you

J - Justice _ i love hearing tales of fairnes

K - Kingdom, God’s kingdom

L - love - it’s a bit cliche but love is the essence of God and the universe,, the glue

M - Mom, I miss you and celebrate your laughter

N - November. I really am enjoying this November of heat and sun and work

O - the Other - I’m enjoying learning Spanish again and reflecting on the otherness of Mexicans and Americans and women

P - Pulchritue - the beauty of people, the landscape

Q. - questioning mind 

R - Ron. I miss you and celebrate you in heaven

S - Sky. I love the endless sky here like in Winnipeg like in th mind of the Pacific Ocean

T - Ten - I love digits and computers

U - University - I love learning and the institutions of learning

V -  Voltage - I love energy and electricity

W - Women - I love women

X. - X-rays and medical investigations

Y. - Yuma - I’m loving my time here.

Z. - zebras though I have yet to know one

Thank you God for all your gifts . May I know you better today and do thy will.

Los Algodones, Yuma trip.

I had booked Monday off and forgotten till I sat at the computer to begin work. I think I’d arranged with the Rover .com dog sitter a couple of months ago.  Unfortunately when I was here and contacted her she was there to accept Madigan despite my arranging time and date.  I’d wanted a dog sitter so I could go to Mexico and leave him in the US.  She was such a. Flake.  When I came to her place on time nearly 10 when I’d said 9-10 she just texted me Ï’m not home,  She then tried to gaslight me while I was looking at the exchange of texts.  No I didn’t trust her with Madigan after that Maybe if she’d apologized and accepted countaility but no she trie to say I wasn’t clear,  Yet there was the Text. , I can drop him off this Friday and her saying yes and giving me her address.

I texted Laura and she told me the young mothers had this problem with baby sitters. I was miffed but decided to take Madigan to Mexico instead.  I won’t get to see the Yuma Museum or Yuma jail. In Mexico he was welcome and not a problems,  Outdoor cafes abound.  Stores and merchants welcomed him. What great dog days.  He’s saiid hello to several other little dogs,   America’s know to brig them. Two merchants have shared pictures of their dogs too.

I’m getting another pair of glassed.  

I also want to get prices for Laura if we choose to have the chipped too addressed.  Prices are excellent for cosmetic surgeery here.  The dentist own thee lane and do thee work safe day.  My Canadian is the best so if it was anything complicated I’d see him first. It’s like I’d get heart surgery in the US but if I needed an appendectomy I’d have it done here, It’s like wee say complicated delivers can be done well the city whereas complicated delivers should be done in th city. It’s hard to know who and prices. I would think it would be fun and healthy to come back for a week in spring. 

Other than the chronic pain I’ve really relaxed here.  I don’t know what it is about the stress of covid and aging I’ve felt Burt out but after a couple of weeks I’ve revived and look forward to returning.  Working 4 days a week has made it possible.  The loss of income is as expensive as the trip.

The trouble with transforming is that I feel less like transitioning when I’m less stressed.  I am principallly a cross dresser.  Robinson said I seemed to do it to relieve stress.  I feel scared and I like the anonymity.  I want another anonymous identity to hide in.  In that way I’m more an Irish Molly.  I don’t feel at all that god made and mistake ad I am happy as being a man when I’m writing and not being bullied and threatened.  I believe if Trudeau was gone I’d feel happier in my own skin.  

I had thought to lie by the pool in a bikini.  I rather like the old risqué behavior.  Lying by the pool would be fun with Laura but alone I’d rather be in in bikini..  Scares everyone away.  Alone I’d expect I might fall prey to a young woman.  It’s just too painful to think of.  Having sex has left me in pain for weeks.  I wonder what my life would be like without pain.  I plan to do taic chi again and I’m losing weight but I can’t even imagine upright sex again.  I’m not aging gracefully.   I miss dancing.   I fancied hunting again but only a few weeks ago I had no desire. 

I’m having coffee American in the Mediplaza . I’ve bought more purses and think may gift some 

I like Mexico.  I’m reminded of year I sailed down to the sea of Cortez from Vancouver Vancouver and stayed the winter in the Sea of Cortez  mostly around La Paz on th sailing vessel Giri. I felt I had more to do but now I’ve  a sense I’ve served my share.  I figure if I was here I’d eveentrually settle down to writing the books I’ve planned and started.  I am however more creative in the north.  

Being a part of the ex pat community its been easy to drift in the past. I drank too much wine smoked dope more then , a light weight compared to everyone else. I’d get drunk once a week but I always worked hard and played hard.  A binge drinker .  Low bottom.  Bernie called me that. Late onset.  How I surfed 3 divorcees and the ism, that I married three alcoholic women and liked best my friends who drank and smokier dope. I didn’t like coke or those who did.  There seems a culture around different drugs . I was a wino and a hippie pot smoker.  

Now it’s 25 years later and a spiritual journey .  I like cofffee nod chai.  I have no more desire for that whole world.  I like my dawn rising and connection to god too much.  The question I have is when I will indulge again in spiritual practice,  I miss religious studies ad long meditation . I certainly pray.

I haven’t. Made it to AA though I did get church twice. My resistance to /AA has been the dog and cross dressing though I’ve done the latttter many times/. I could even do it online, Maybe tonight,  I could can to find a dog friendly meeting.  

I leave Friday and I’m not fearing the trip home as my back is marginally improving.  

It’s been interesting au femme.  I remember Jenner saying she wasn’t particularly seeing a relationship but considered one.  It certainly makes one more womanly however I’ve had to recognize that I look at the love that women provide, sex and blow job for instance and am no longer thinking of sex as negative. I think I carried a lot of homophobi an the sense of ‘women’s work’.  Receptivity as inferior. I’ve no appreciation of ‘porn trained ‘men.  That who sandm scene doesn’t appeal.  I don’t like the attraction of homosexual sex but do like the mirroring and transexuality and bisexuality. I like the old rabbi saying, A man without a woman is not a man’. But women have been so destructive and deceitful in my life.  Meanwhile they’ve also been the best so I’m confused 

I’m tired of aggressive and bullying people of either agenda. The whole woke female agenda.  I can’t believe that government services acccepted that 

Women don’t like about sex

.These absurdities and bullying were fascists and yet no one seemed concerned. Me first. . Narcissism.  I’m tired.  I following Origen.  Chemical castration rather than permanent surgical.  

I ask God where I ‘m going,  I like being elegantly dressed but I’d just as soon be in slacks or shorts or sarong.  I always tjpigjt the gay drag queen was a celebration of the 30’s women mockery and imitation.  The Trudeau boys of Canada are girls and manliness is not tolerated in Canada except in the ethni population.  I felt fear when the Scot in kilts with ski in doo in his sock was arrested and charged with a weapon well other ethnic sots could openly carry knives. Trudea is all divide an conquer like all the communist leaders.