using his eyes to guilt me. He's happier outside on the street than he's been in the Miata. He's had to wait while I've been in meetings, going dog crazy when I return.
It's rained most of the day. This morning was torrential. I've talked to this week to people wanting to move to Winnipeg. I was singing the praises of growing up there. Always a place I'd think was one of the best to raise a child. They're anxious in Vancouver. They haven't found community and feel alienated and concerned about the crime with small children. The high cost of living is hurting too. They'd searched all the stats on Winnipeg and there was so much more for small children, so much less cost of housing. I admitted there's always been a prairie old home attitude. People are a whole lot friendlier. Criminals aren't as prevalent. Mostly they grow grain, not marijuana. People pay taxes. It's not a port city. I found myself nostalgic for the people there. I know I'd be back cross country skiing and maybe now skidooing. I'd be boating on the rivers and looking forward to fishing on the lakes. There's white tail deer and moose. I loved Winnipeg when I lived there. But that was years ago. Talking to these two different people in one week had me nostalgic.
It's like this every February. I've been accepted for positions at universities and hospitals around the world, fed up with the winter rain, applying then changing my mind in March. The last two years I've not felt so bleak with the soul sucking work of winter months. I'm having more faith the sun will return. March always comes as long as I've know. Last week I saw my first crocus. I love the spring flowers. The rain of Vancouver makes the green of the city so rich and vibrant.
I've been to two meetings today. Getting my head in the same room as my ass. I've been worrying again. Too much alone and the worries come. I feel the self pity and negativity gathering in the wings and know it's time to be with kind. Church tomorrow morning. I love the inspiration and traditions.
Today I've been driving around the city doing errands with Gilbert. Talked with Eric at Pocomarine about the autopilot malfunctions. My Wagner's so old it's no longer made and despite a new computer rebuild motherboard and the rebuild on the main pump I'm planning on having it replaced with a new one so I'll be able to get parts at least, and a new one will interface with the GPS. The autopilot was central to my offshore sailing and I've realized these last years with it being iffy, often pernickety and rarely easily holding course especially under sail, I've less joy sailing. Others like hand steering but I'm not one of those. I'll hand steer my motorcycle but the autopilot is the thing that makes a sailboat so enjoyable. I can sit back read and drink coffee on watch with the boat maintaining it's motion forward. I love that.
I've had the dodger resewed and new clear windows put in the ones so dulled by years of salt spray. A boat is always a work in progress and hundreds if not thousands of dollars of investment. I long for a house and then think about my boat, in for a penny, in for a pound. I really am looking forward to sailing up to the northern islands again this coming year. It's been too long since I sailed to Denman and Texada. I have to get back to Desolation Sound next year maybe.
I was at the Apple store again. I learned how to turn all the power on the pads and phones off. I'd been annoyed that they were coming back on when I hadn't wanted them too. It turned out that opening the case on one caused it. I've solved that thanks to the staff. This keyboard was replaced to because it wasn't pairing easily and I learned that I couldn't have it paired to more than a couple of devices without there being conflicts. I like the Apple store with all the keen young staff, terrific answers, and great products. I'm usually one of the oldest there though we're well represented.
There's a whole lot of folk who like the mall. I see people walking about like I'd be with Gilbert at an off leash trail. They're not 'focussed' and this mall thing is a 'place' for them. Too busy for me.
Now that the rain has stopped, I'll walk Gilbert down the trails. He loves meeting other dog friends.
I was swimming. Lots of fast laps following a younger woman in the 'medium' lane. The 'slow' lane where I would have preferred to be was packed. I was glad to make it through the first course and onto the dessert of the hot tub. Talking tattoos with a couple of folk there. Then cross legged in the sauna. I say prayers and meditate where ever I can. I liked the quiet there today. Often there's too much chatter in a small space.
My God, the couple next to me are studying Calculus. That's better than stats but it sure makes my life seem sweeter and more pleasing. I've been reading philosophy and history. I prefer Charles Tayler to Rawls right now. Rawls is convoluted though I appreciate he's the master. It's my second time going through his book reviewing his take on different philosophers. I can't help but see it as commentaries on Old Testament books. Commentaries on commentaries. I prefer these days reading theology, still. I got my A in logic and studied philosophy in undergraduated. I read Bertrand Russel, Nietze, and still I preferred Kierkegaard and Hegel. I've come back to Kant over and over again but couldn't give a synopsis of them like I might Joseph Campbell or Freud or Jung. I remember reading Kernberg and Kohut ad infinitum. The psychoanalytic schools presentation at the World Congress of Psychiatry were most enjoyable. There's a limit to the 'rationalism' which underwrites the 'conscious' of ethics and politics. So much is defined by genetics, unconscious, and secondary gains. I guess that's why I'm enjoying the political text that Aim gave me, for my birthday. So much of philosophies are followup to the politics of the day. Laws change with leaders. I've spent my life seeking eternals and wanting to know the 'laws' of science knowing the laws of man still would have homosexuals killed all over Africa and once burnt witches. I guess I'm comfortable with the 'outsider' status knowing how dangerous the 'insiders' can be when threatened.
I'm enjoying watching the politics of the 4400. People with special skills. People with difference. They're hounded by the government and military. There's paranoia and yet they are trying to make the world a better place and expand the consciousness of all. So much like the spiritual in general.
I miss Kirk. We talked to the wee hours of the morning about God. As kids at the theatre Nina, her brother, the others, a half dozen of us would discuss every idea we'd encountered and argued for nights in our teens. We were so interested in politics and God and roles and purposes then. I miss Hughie, my obese gay actor friend. I wonder what became of him. I began the improvisational team that kept us all together for a few years doing gigs for profit here and there when I could get us a show. Last I heard Nina had two children was married and doing graphic art somewhere on the coast. I learned my actress friend from that era went on to be a professor of theatre. At the high school reunion I heard that one of the gang made it to broad way and stayed.
Seeing Swan Lake last night took me back. We were the geniuses, the top students, the multiply accomplished and we all went on to serve in the mainstream despite being the rebells and the outsiders. I've never felt safe or that I 'fit' in . I've known that I was 'useful' . I like the Matrix where the machines used our bodies for batteries. I've always been foiled by the consumer and power sorts who see others as 'food', like the cannibals do.
I'm muddling along.
So many have gone on to produce children and grand children. I've not done that. It's makes me wonder. I've no clear purpose or 'hope' in this regard. Mothers are so 'fixed' in this basic sense, so unquestioning. I've all these 'survival' skills. Odd knowledge bits, like surgery, delivering babies, chemistry, making bombs, poisons and medicines. Outdoors lore. Offshore sailing and hunting fishing. Food preparation, storage, martial arts. I know as many ways to kill as heal, not really, I'm an authority on healing and only an academic in the sense of death. My life has been devoted to life, the side of light, the heavenly. I've eschewed the dark side. Euthanasia and abortion and ripping people off, clever business, and snake and darwinian behaviour. Hasn't appealed to me ,not because I'm not good at it. From my experience hunting I'd be profoundly good were I to switch to humans. But the family code is we eat what we kill. I'd not care to eat my enemies. There's a loss of self I'm convinced in the hardness that follows.
I listened to men talk of 'forgiveness' today. There's a new Christian song on the radio 'forgiveness'. I like when it comes along. It's what makes Darwin wrong. Forgiveness frees and is divine. Homo spiritus. I pray for forgiving. One Irish man had me laughing talking about going against his genetic makeup.
Gilbert is shivering. He just visitted with a little dog and was happy in company but it's time I was going. Miles to go before I sleep.
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