This morning though my back is very sore. I turned off the heater last night and got chilled. I see I’ve kicked the Hudson Bay blanket off the end of the bed. I’d taken twice thee dose of NSAIDs on Thursday in Mexico. I had forgotten my little bottle of anti inflammatory pain killers in my bag. When I changed my cloth bag to the new leather HD bag I found them. Customs had found them previously and told me I couldn’t bring an open bottle of pills across the border. I left that one at home and didn’t know about this one. So I took a bunch and threw out the rest. Yesterday I didn’t take any. Last night I was cold and sore. This morning I’m stiff.
It’s coupled with self pity. Powerlessness. Like having an itch in the back you can’t reach. I just feel if I could just bend or twist just right the painful kink would release. I didn’t like hearing I had an old fracture. It’s made it difficult for me to do the mind over matter thing. It’s all psychosomatic. But also today I’m sad about Laura’s holiday coming to a close, We talked about endings yesterday. I’d booked another month here but was looking at taking a week to return heading out to LA San Fran to get going the week before the last week before I need to be home. Laura leaves on Tuesday. I drive here to Phoenix Tuesday morning. Then we’re on our own, Madigan and I , for a couple of months. The plan is to return to Burnaby but at other times i think of stopping in White Rock, Life is good but I think of change. My back pain is compartmentalized grief and anger and fear. Returning to the place I’ve been seems certain. Convenience and baby steps.
I want to know God more. I’ve meditated less here. I continue to pray a lot. I am forever talking with God and calling upon God. The spiritual realm and material realm. I quiet my mind by repeating the name of God. Walking meditation I do but sitting meditation not so much here yet. I had hoped to do more. I face north. The allignment of the truck and seating. I’m used to facing east meditating. I plan more exercise. I’ve been busy and focussed on Laura. Her teeth were the major issue of the visit and accomplished. Now we’ve celebrated Christmas too.
My motorcycle has been waiting an ignition module, the delayed part though under warranty. We can hope it will be here the day after Laura leaves.
I’ve thought of sex but the spontaneity is gone and fear of hurting my back worse is present. I’m overthinking too. That’s a problem. There’s no mad passion and I can’t be drunk or drugged and acting on body. My mind and soul are connected. I’m confused. A part of me would be the monk. I’m to write and another part is to be the Zorba the Greek. Stoicism and Epicurianism clash.
The desire for God is the desire of the burning bush. I would see the light and know the presence of God as overwhelming. Now I know my life as God and the rising sun and nature and all the world around me is not me. Not me. Not God. I’m the spectator. All is God. God the other. I am playing peek a boo with God and calling him Jesus. God within and God will come again, Christ. Messiah. I am happiest with the synchronicities. I know that the world has unfolded so well with Laura this last week, all the trips to Mexico going well. My meeting her at Phoenix Airport. The dentist and the success of the four root canals. I’ve had the money and the time. We’ve had time off and together. We’ve not made love. It’s waiting on me. I can initiate sex and know she’ll gladly join in but the struggle is my back and my desire to lie back and know God without effort. I would live in my dream flying anf present.
Pain is nature. Pain is the chronic not the acute alerting pain but the chronic abiding pain that wears and reminds one of the fear false accusations, lies of authorities betrayals the deceit and dishonesty, the lack of gratitude. Pain is a litany of voices. It’s some message I can’t read. I feel that if I could read that message then I’d have release. It’s my life.
I need to exercise and focus on those exercises specific to relieving this chronic pain. Maybe today I’ll find a chiropractor, Maybe sex and pain are linked and that I need deal with the pain before I seek pleasure. There’s no doubt of the connection, Pain is love too. All is love.
Thank you Jesus, Help me God know the answers to my questions and do the next right thing. Help me to love and be loved.
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