Yuma, Monday

I woke with night sweats, Probably sleep apnea back. Something about the pillows.  I’d had a terrible dream that big dog had bit Madigan in two. I was calling for help and no one answered.  I knew the dog wasn’t the problem. It was the owner.  The big dog was like government, politics, police or military.  He was just doing his job.  Unconsciously I was also pissed with Madigan. When Laura comes he splits and triangulates trying to hump her, seeing her as his bitch, going into dog in heat psychosis and not listening to commands.  He growls and snarls at me.  Last night he’d jumped up on the bed. He’s not allowed on the bed in the camper because at home he gets up on the bed and has shred two comforters and three blankets.  I bought Laura a Harley Davidson t shirt and he bit a tiny hole in the new T-shirt.  No big deal. In his mind he was being endearing. Nibbling on his lady.  But in my sleep he was chomped in two and all I could rescues was the hind legs like some fetal dead birth, the big bulldog twice my size smug and satisfied. No owner about.  

I’ve been reading the Airmen series, A War Too Far, the Viet Nam War, by Corley.  The torture and deaths of the French by the Viet Mingh was particularly graphic.  

I’m in a foreign country too and despite my blasé attitude at some level I’m anxious faced with the unknowns and new.  Especially going into Mexico on Saturday and facing the disorder.  Not such an issue as these years where the government, courts and police have collectively turned their backs on the law abiding citizens. There’s a sense of the mob rule and the elite billionaire world attacked the power house hard working middle class in favour of terrorists and fringe politics.  I’m crying help to save me dead dog and no one is responding

The trauma of being attacked in the DTES by a young indigenous man threatening me with his off leash pitbull lunging at my blind cockapoo.  I’m met the drunk old biker who proudly told me he loved watching his pitbull grab a little dog and shake the life out of it in a moment,  Life is precious and precarious.  I want to protect my little dog.  I had a friend once who I protected and felt I protected not only physically but spiritually as well including him in my prayers and caring for him till he turned mean and entitled and I withdrew from him hoping he’d care for others rather than just himself.

I’ve been transparent. I have been falsely accused by lying psychopathic women on several occasions.  That is the nature of the insectoid, sub human, barbarian sorts but the trouble is they’ve turned to the government and agencies that are inherently evil.  The woman administrator said ‘women don’t lie about sex’.  I fired the girl for stealing and smoking crack in my office only to have the government all over me for two years.  The cost personally was devastating.  Financially she extorted thousands of dollars from me.  The government protected her and her boyfriend who repeatedly threatened my life and the two targeted and harassed me. I was just doing my job and patients complained of her smoking crack while I was seeing another patient. She was supposed to be in recovery. She had been promoted by the female minister who was angry she told a mutual friend because I wouldn’t have sex with her. I have never been sexually inappropriate at work. I’ve enough problem with the women I’ve married to look elsewhere for trouble yet ugly men and women with their perversions and projections are too happy to play the new empty honey jar game.  The man refuses to have sex and the girl says he does and the perverted judges and administrators lacking any self disciplinine blame the man who doesn’t .  “You should have fucked her mate.  Not fucking them just makes them angrier.  

The media means while portrays all the politics of the right against perfection and celibacy while the left sleeps with anything that moves while doing cocaine and booze.

It’s all beyond me. I’ve years of nightmares and here was doing well and enjoying the community till my dog learned to jump on the bed.  The thin veneer of sanity.

I’m laughing now thinking how I let these episodes of ancient history steal my peace. I’ve know so many blessings and such joy.  Right now life is great. The issue has been my focus on the threat of loss of license and losss of life .  Trying to protect my blind dog from hooligans.  Trying to protect my livelihood from sociopaths in high places.  I’m at the end of my game and I’ve now the fear of what is being done to the elderly. The Trudeau government like his father before him is attacking the elderly and destroying their savings and rewarding slackards and layabouts.  Free money.  Meanwhile I’m paying back the business loans and will be done in weeks, the money already in the bank and about to be moved only to hear that half are not.

In the Bible parable the master gives seeds to three of his workers, the first put the seeds in a vault and returns them, the seconds trades them for a donkey and gets some work done while the third plants them and gains abundance to give to the master. The master then gives his rewards to the high producers.  Meanwhile I’m having whatever I’ve worked for taken by government and redistributed to the slackards and party animals.  

This is my mind dwelling on negatives when my life has been full of positives. The fears come out at night and I let them get to me. The anger with my puppy is so misplaced. The aced and I’m reminded of the patience of job my father had because I truly was a difficult child.  My brother by contrast was always good yet he’s died young of cancer.  In Psychiatry we think of ‘anger turned inward’ .  There’s a window of sanity .  Homicide and suicide are linked.  Too much self control and you die of heart disease and too little you end up in jail.

I’m here in heaven really and having Monday morning thoughts of negativity facing so many Monday mornings going to work early to be dutiful and responsible like my parents and grandparents before me.  

There’s cloud but thee temperature is warm.  I’ve work to do and the only immediate issue being to walk the dog and get another cofeee. I will pray to be a better man and more forgiving of my best little buddy, the rascal that reminds me of me when I was young. 

Laura is beautiful.  We had a terrific barbecued steak meal with potatoes, sour cream butter and peas followed by Hagen Daz ice cream bars and a couple of episodes of Lincoln Lawyer. 

She’s risen. Best make her coffee.

Please make me a better man today than I was yesterday. Help me know the peace beyond understanding. Let me remember more the countless blessings that I have known, If a person is alive that alone is evidence that the positives have out weighted the negatives but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy dictates that fears and resentments have an addictive appeal. I could watch Rockwell stories or Heartland movies but instead I like the ‘fight’ so I’ve sought adventure and change when I could have stayed in one place with the known an safe and gardened and known position authority.  Instead I nomad and enjoy the rich variety of life blessed by your protection.  

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.