Yuma - Sunday, New Year’s Eve day

It’s another sunny day in Yuma.  The nights are chilly but the days are warm.  Flip flops shorts and tshirts.  

I slept in this morning. 8 am. The sun is up. If I wake by 6- 7 my normal awakening time, I am blessed with the colours of the dawn.  I like morning.  But I stayed up last night watching another episode of Harlan Coben’s Shelter on Prime TV.  Then I finished reading Bear Gulch one of a series of westerns by Bunnell. After that I began reading the War for Tripoli about Greece and the Ottoman’s at the turn of the century. I enjoy historical fiction.

Now I’m drinking coffee. I prayed and meditated asking God to guide me and show me the way today.  I want to be a better person, a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I have a monthly doctors meeting on virtual. I’ve been participating virtually more here. 

Yesterday I sat in the hot tub and paddled a bit in the pool.  I made a trip to the RV store for more toilet paper and a hook for the shower.  I drove into town to Best Buy to get back up hearing aids and they didn’t work, the Sony Hearing Control not being available. The TB external hard drive I purchased was not for Mac so a bit of a smozzle.  The cellular booster was not available in store but only on line at Walmart and Best Buy.  I enjoyed the drive. I’d been out in the day getting whopper burgers for lunch.  It was a pleasant day with Laura and Madigan.  She sat outside most of the day reading in the sun with Madigan sitting on her lap

I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for the colours I’m grateful for being in Yuma. I’m grateful for trips to Mexico. I’m grateful for my truck and camper and that my motorcycle will be ready in a couple of days.  They’re waiting for a new ignition module part.  I’m grateful for my work and my ability to be of service.  I”m grateful to be able to pay taxes and to put savings in the bank.  I’m grateful that I’m able to work and am healthy and well enough that it’s not necessary to retire yet. I look forward to retiring someday and hope that my health continues well. I’m grateful to be sober and not smoking. I’m grateful to be part of a men’s group, Wednesday night at Burnaby Fellowship, and to be part of Doctors in Recovery and International Doctors.  I’m grateful for my sister in law , Adell and nephews and neice in laws and great nephews.  I’m grateful for Laura and Madigan.

Laura just crawled and tumbled out of the bed with hair a muddle and Madigan delighted to lick her ears.  He’s a peculiar being.  

The hills I see in the distance were what we saw in the Movie Yuma we watched one night.  I’m really enjoying the picture and interconnectivity of the new Amazon Fire TV. I bought that at Best Buy when I arrived given my old tv to a fellow begging on the street corner.  I appreciate the easy of connectivity. There’s actually a built in app for Prine and Netflix and ease of operation is superb.  I take it off the bedroom wall and set it on the tv counter after dinner then remount it on the wall before bed. It’s convenient with the transfer of the mount from the old tv to this but this one has the struts for standalone making it moveable like that.  

I’ve been rather techy here with my Star Link working great and the Bonita Mesa Wifi being excellent as well The Cellular is good with my new iPhone SE and T-Mobile . 

Laura is up and I’ve given her my coffee. She’s petting Madigan who looks so happy and content.  I can hear the doves cooing.

I had this thought I’d review my year but I’m thinking I’ll read instead. Learn more about Tripoli .  I’d thought it was a book about the US marines but I’m thinking now that happened earlier and this is WWI era Tripoli

I had the dream that I was in a high rise apartment with balcony.  Three large mountain lion cubs followed by their mother came in off the balcony I had the Ruger 30:06 but advised a friend now to use it,  The girl there was pleased with the big cat cubs who were friendly. I did worry about the mother and was glad when I could shoo them all out into the hallway.  I have no idea what the meaning of that was. It was pleasant and positive.

My back ache is hell on earth and yet I can’ decipher its meaning.  Sexuality and spirituality and work and play are all caught up in low back pain. The studies of discipline and chronic pain and in my case no doubt false accusation and persecution by corrupt authorities.  But first sense of grave misunderstanding stems from Dad being angry with me screaming when my brother let his friend hit me in the head (was it the head or back) with the 2 x 4 with the nail. I’d certainly been bugging them and refusing to leave them. The older boys.  The oldest law of the world is there are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous. I screamed, the cry of the baby,  Sunday after noon.  My father blamed me for the disruption and I wrote on a piece of paper I’d been wrongly accused ‘the big boys started it….hit me first…with a weapon’.  Mom liked my articulation in writing. Dad thought she was siding with the kids against him.  He was Air Force.  Mom was mom.  The great triangle of politics . Then Ron and Mom siding together against me for upsetting dad and me the ‘black sheep’.  My back hurts.  Later caning and later rape.  

I pray to God and turn it over but keep struggling with anxiety .  All of this what R.D. Laing called a ‘Knot”.  Certainly this effect the kundalini and flow of spiritual energy and love.  Shame separates me from the love of God.  Jesus said love God and love your neighbour as yourself. I veer from self love to self soothing with all the sins of the world gluttony, avarice, lust, anger. It’s all in the chronic back pain.  Needless to say it is silly here in heaven with sunshine and beautiful skies and love.  I know God loves me and I’m loved by Laura and Madigan and family and friends.  Do not be afraid was a teaching of Jesus.  Willie Gutowski emphasized that. He just had a birthday Laura said and I should send him a happy birthday wish. We’re getting old and it’s taken way too long for me to address old trauma that keeps cycling back like a bad rash.  Termites.  Mosquitos.  

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God,  Thank you.,  It’s been a very good year.,  

(Temporary Backup) Packing up Fuzion

I’m counting the days and sleeps. It’s so close. I brought the Adventurer Camper in from Chilliwack on Friday. Merry Maids came over Saturday morning and cleaned it.  Then Kelvin from Travco came in the afternoon and made sure it was trip worthy. He de winterized it too.  He’s been a true godsend doing great work and a terrific fund of knowledge.  All the while I’ve been moving things from the Fuzionto the camper.  Nicoletta told me she and Erenest has everything packed in boxes when they recently bought their Thor bus. They were able to transfer in a few hours from their old RV but ‘the work began when we set up and began unboxing.”  I’ve done a little of that but it’s clearly a superior strategy. 

I gave a way three green garbage bags of clothes and sheets as well as throwing out as many.  I’m a regular pack rat.  I loved when my sailboat was set to take off on an hours notice.  The plan is to get the license to tow the Fuzion and then maybe I’ll do just that rather than using the camper.  The camper though is like the boat, so convenient compared to this liveabloard.  I’ve a storage locker full too.  I really must downsize.

This trip for a few months will challenge my pack rat tendencies. I’ll remain lean and mean.  I’ve all the gadgets and such I need for work and play.  Hunting and fishing took a lot for gear but travelling does not. Madigan has a place to stay when I go out shopping too. Far better than a motel room 

Just read about thee Sythians, the nomadic, light skinned blue eyes, sometimes red haired folk that flourished in the Steppe region from Thrace to Mongolians with domestic horses , and flocks of cattle and sheep along with wagons.  Early Gypsy’s .  7000 BC to 3000 BC.  I suppose I identify more with nomads and sailors .  I loved my first Winnipeg house and might have remained a city dwelling suburban were it not for a divorce. I loved the country more and especially loved my Errington Homestead.  Again a house lost to a divorce and back to the city. I loved the sailboat and travelling by water to Mexico and living there that year in Sea of Cortex, later sailing Solo in Winter to San Francisco and Hawaii. I liked my beach apartment and the  penthouse apartment overlooking Kits. They all had appeal but I’ve been on the boat and here much of the last decade. I’d hope to sail across the Atlantic or take the inside passage to the Caribbean but my brother’s illness and Covid intervened.  This was a great place in Covid with the nearby Brunette River Trail

Now I’m all set to journey south again, Last year I took the Mini and stayed in the Best Western in Yuma.  I loved going to Nogales,  The reconnaissance was great,

This summer’s work stint in the camper at Logan Lake went well. So now extend the time to months.  

Laura is visiting next week till end of December then Madigan and I will be alone.  

Laura had the Replica perfume and suggested I get the Replica for men. I did and it’s kind of Christmas cinnamon but a little like my Seattle perfume I bought then dropped to my chagrin and bought again.  Expensive that. I just transferred it to the Camper.  It’s not like the limited clothing I had bicycling across Europe or motorcycling across the US to Sturges and back but there’s limits. I have two small duffles but shorts and skirts and sandals take a lot less space than hunting cammo, offshore heavy weather gear, winter clothing. I’m taking my new Harley Davidson Nightster Special on a rack on the front of the truck.  I’ll pack my Harley leather jacket and a couple of helmets and jeans.  I’ve a set of boots.  Every recreational activity has its gear. One of the reasons I’d like to take this Fuzion toy hauler down so I could carry the harley and Honda Rancher ATV in the garage. I’ve a foldable boat strapped to the side too. So this has all I like.  The camper is perfect for travel with the dog and frankly I’ve been moved to so do this since reading travels with Charlie by Steinbeck just as Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Mainentance influenced my motorcycle journeys as Joshua Slocums’ Sailing Alone around the World influenced my sailing.,

So I’m not fully here.  Living in the moment and presence and one day at a time and seize the day are all very well but I’m excited about the coming road trip and am a bit in the future. 

Today is my last day clearing up nicknacks and preparing for Kelvin’s to come tomorrow to winterize this Fuzion for storage and repair the door latch in the Camper.  Paul is coming on Wednesday to tow the Fuzion to Chilliwack leaving me to stay and work in the Camper Wednesday and Thursday.  In the rain and wet I’m taking taxis to work and about this week so I don’t need to move the camper.  

It’s all very exciting.

Thank you Jesus   Thank you God.

Yuma - Seeking God

It’s another day to seek God.  To know God better.  I am grateful.  Everyday is a blessing

This morning though my back is very sore.  I turned off the heater last night and got chilled. I see I’ve kicked the Hudson Bay blanket off the end of the bed.  I’d taken twice thee dose of NSAIDs on Thursday in Mexico.  I had forgotten my little bottle of anti inflammatory pain killers in my bag. When I changed my cloth bag to the new leather HD bag I found them.  Customs had found them previously and told me I couldn’t bring an open bottle of pills across the border. I left that one at home and didn’t know about this one.  So I took a bunch and threw out the rest.  Yesterday I didn’t take any.  Last night I was cold and sore. This morning I’m stiff.

It’s coupled with self pity.  Powerlessness.  Like having an itch in the back you can’t reach.  I just feel if I could just bend or twist just right the painful kink would release. I didn’t like hearing I had an old fracture.  It’s made it difficult for me to do the mind over matter thing.  It’s all psychosomatic.  But also today I’m sad about Laura’s holiday coming to a close, We talked about endings yesterday. I’d booked another month here but was looking at taking a week to return heading out to LA San Fran to get going the week before the last week before I need to be home.  Laura leaves on Tuesday.  I drive here to Phoenix Tuesday morning. Then we’re on our own, Madigan and I , for a couple of months.  The plan is to return to Burnaby but at other times i think of stopping in White Rock,  Life is good but I think of change. My back pain is compartmentalized grief and anger and fear.  Returning to the place I’ve been seems certain.  Convenience and baby steps.  

I want to know God more. I’ve meditated less here. I continue to pray a lot.  I am forever talking with God and calling upon God.  The spiritual realm and material realm.  I quiet my mind by repeating the name of God.  Walking meditation I do but sitting meditation not so much here yet. I had hoped to do more. I face north. The allignment of the truck and seating.  I’m used to facing east meditating.  I plan more exercise. I’ve been busy and focussed on Laura. Her teeth were the major issue of the visit and accomplished. Now we’ve celebrated Christmas too. 

My motorcycle has been waiting an ignition module, the delayed part though under warranty. We can hope it will be here the day after Laura leaves.  

I’ve thought of sex but the spontaneity is gone and fear of hurting my back worse is present. I’m overthinking too.  That’s a problem. There’s no mad passion and I can’t be drunk or drugged and acting on body. My mind and soul are connected. I’m confused.  A part of me would be the monk.  I’m to write and another part is to be the Zorba the Greek.  Stoicism and Epicurianism clash.

The desire for God is the desire of the burning bush. I would see the light and know the presence of God as overwhelming. Now I know my life as God and the rising sun and nature and all the world around me is not me.  Not me.  Not God. I’m the spectator. All is God.  God the other.  I am playing peek a boo with God and calling him Jesus. God within and God will come again,  Christ.  Messiah.  I am happiest with the synchronicities. I know that the world has unfolded so well with Laura this last week, all the trips to Mexico going well.  My meeting her at Phoenix Airport. The dentist and the success of the four root canals.  I’ve had the money and the time. We’ve had time off and together.  We’ve not made love. It’s waiting on me.  I can initiate sex and know she’ll gladly join in but the struggle is my back and my desire to lie back and know God without effort. I would live in my dream flying anf present.  

Pain is nature.  Pain is the chronic not the acute alerting pain but the chronic abiding pain that wears and reminds one of the fear false accusations, lies of authorities betrayals the deceit and dishonesty, the lack of gratitude.  Pain is a litany of voices. It’s some message I can’t read. I feel that if I could read that message then I’d have release. It’s my life. 

I need to exercise and focus on those exercises specific to relieving this chronic pain. Maybe today I’ll find a chiropractor,  Maybe sex and pain are linked and that I need deal with the pain before I seek pleasure. There’s no doubt of the connection, Pain is love too.   All is love. 

Thank you Jesus,  Help me God know the answers to my questions and do the next right thing.  Help me to love and be loved.

Yuma Morning, Love and memories, attitude of gratitude, weeding the garden

I woke at 630 this morning.  I’d been up once in the night to pee. Now as I prayed I thought I normally wake at 7 though we’d not got up till 8 these last couple of days. Madigan had woken me ready to go. He’s a funny guy. Sleeps in but once in a while gets bored and like a kid wants us to get up early and pray. I went to bed exhausted after our trip to Mexico,  I was asleep before 10.  We’re outside of Yuma at Bonita Mesa by Fortuna Road.  

I believe our egos or the self relaxes when there’s wide open spaces and we’re more one with nature.  I expand.  In thee city the press of other egos is work keeping one contained.  In Mexico all the hustlers anxious and needy are pressing in actually touching and physically sometimes demanding attention,  tapping the shoulder, putting the goods they want to sell in your face.  It’s wearing.  I enjoy the buzz and the friendliness but then I’m also on guard, a foreigner, watching his iPhone and wallet.  There’s that but Los Algadones is the safest place mostly professionals, highest density of dentists, opticians and their assistants.  The others are merchants but they make it hard to walk down the street.  I feel it’s not a place to saunter and enjoy.  I remember that even on the Malacon of the bigger towns of the west coast there were vendors disrupting the revelry.  No wonder I love camping and the north away from people.  Boundaries and respect.  

I’ll never forget the Galleria built in the 18th century in Milan with openings to the merchants store complex that only accommodated the doorway of carriages, This way the guards cook let the shoppers in and keep the street people out.  Laura was accosted on the streets of Milan by a gang of Somalian ‘refugees’ who held her till she gave them 20 euros.  Right in the Main Street , a dozen big men holding a little grandmother by the wrist, extorting money.

Such memories come back but not so quickly the far more important memories of my mother walking me and protecting me as a child. I am so thankful for the childhood I had with my parents in Fort Garry Winnipeg.

I saw a CFL Saskatchewan Roughriders Jersey and took a picture.  Other’s commented on it when I put it up on FB.  

I see yellow in the sky to the east.  I let Madigan out and we walked about the camper and truck. Our new neighbours have a bus and two dogs, a puppy chihuahua and an older one.  

I might have woken and got up early because I’m hoping to collect my Harley today.  The ignition module needed to be replaced and they hoped to have the part yesterday so said it would likely be ready today.  It’s Friday the 29, of the Holiday weekend.  A new year. I think fondly of the time in New York with Laura.  

I liked seeing there was a meeting today. Terry posts readings which I often read though confess I’m lax at times. I love the meeting.   

I talked with Lydia yesterday and thought fondly of the clinics, She asked when I was returning and I said before end of February.  I renewed my spot here for another month so that’s Feb. 10 about. I think I’ll take some vacation time to head home.  It took me 4 days to get here but I’m thinking I’d like to plan 5-7 days, maybe leave on the Thursday Feb. 23.  I may leave here and head out to San Diego and get a start on the return.  The weather is warm up to LA and I could begin the trek up the coast but maybe misss the LA hills stretch by sticking to the coast, but more traffic and better views.  

Laura leaves on the 2nd. I’ll drive her up to Phoenix leaving 8 am from here.  I’ve so enjoyed her company.  Comfortable.  Cozy.  Friendly. I do love the girl.  Friend, lover, confident, dog mom.  People call us husband and wife and after 25 years of ‘hanging out’ we don’t correct them.  Yet we’ve kept separate residences. I remember my last wife on cocaine and angry and unpredictable and me unable to sleep in the house.  She’d almost killed us several times sailing, lying and doing damage. Borderline.  Enraged.  She drove the car into the wall that day and would go to bed for days.  Bipolar.  Psychotic. So many terms had been used for her mother and she was her mother’s daughter. They both refused treatment. That was the last straw when she we sent her away to San Diego to get drug and alcohol treatment and she played doctor and told all the lies about me to her family failing to mention her drug dealer and the grow op she had in the home and any of the other stuff.  

I had been married three times and the women were fine all of them great ladies but this last wouldn’t pass as a room mate.  On the sailboat I’d had to bring the coast guard aboard to lecture her on safety and explain why there were ‘rules’ of the sea. She never believed that rules applied to her even in her medical training.  The Coast Guard were understanding. I asked her to sail with other women who sailed but she wouldn’t preferring to badger me and dominate me.  Somehow the idea being that if a man had sex with a woman he was now her inferior.  It was all emotional reasoning.

But I spent to many years on call, delivering babies, answering the phone, going out to hospitals to let my sleep be constantly disturbed by someone who took delight in causing another person suffering. She was mean.  

And i vowed I’d not give up my bed again. I’ve not married. I’ve several moveable homes, boats, campers , RV’s.  I’ve had apartment but I’ve not bought houses because the woman got them in divorces and the judges gloated at the suffering of other men hoping against hope to get the women who would see their proxy violence as manly. The courts were so obscene about marriage. Marriage and family law needed to be tribunals.  Nothings made that more true when she showed up with her lawyer both of them in push up bras and fish net stockings looking like hookers as the judge licked his lips and drooled at the girls.  Thank God for my Chinese Christian colleague who told me his people had been abused enough by the English courts that he prepped me well for the whole obscene drama. I was so thankful for the wisdom of the Christians that day and now understood that the errors of marriage were in my choice.

I’d picked non Christians, a delightful pagan and an aetheist and a whatever.  I’d also drunk and picked drunks and simply liked women who wore black bra and panty sets. I was the twisted one there. I wanted the wife who was the lady in the living room and whore in the bed room.  

Laura was a grandmother when I met her.  A lapsed catholic who rarely attended church till she came with me and had stopped going to Al Anon because the 12 stamps point the finger at ourselves. We prefer to blame.

Despite all the therapy and sponsorship I still interpret my ex wife’s not as the Jesus they were but rather as the ‘other’.  They were saints come to teach me the best of lessons, Zen warriors who at any time could have caused me so much more harm or death but rather played with me like a cat with a mouse teaching me how to be prepared for the psychopaths in charge, the government men, the multi billionaires, the satanic, and the wise.  I have been blessed to have the best of wives but now I respect my sleep too much to put my bed into an agreement about sex and historically made for the fanily and children and not for couples. A proper roommate agreement would have laid out duties and obligations. I remember the sex stoppage in the middle marriage and ‘my body my own’ the decision against children.  I did the sperm test and don’t want to face that humiliation again.  All the while the laws are stuck in the 17 th century and the traitor Trudeau brings in immigrants pre Magna cart and women culled from questioning their men knowing too many of their sisters killed in living memory whereas here the women abuse men with impunity . Cultural marxist plays the woman as the proletariat and all men are bourgeoisie.  Especially my multimillionaire educated ex wife.

Now that’s the bad neighbourhood of my mind.  The good times we all had were decades of fun and folly. The bad times were at most 1/10.  At least 51% of the time was good but immature mind slips into the goo of self pity and wallowing despair , the narcissism of self and won’t live in the attitude of gratitude where it belongs.

That said sleeping beside Laura last night was heavenly. I watched her climb into bed and was reminded of my adolescent self dreaming to be near such a gorgeous sexy creature. And here she was cuddled beside me . Our good night kiss is the best of apertif’s. 

She is the best and the present. Maybe the past would be best if it was present. My 50 year married friends says they fell in and out of love and that the good years were best.  Divorce like abortion is the throw away society consumer object.  Why even own duct tape.. The next generation can’t cook. We can order in sex like food.  It’s changing society of individualism and communism.  The glue of love and time is gone,  The communists fear the family.  The only loyalty is to the state, the new religion, better 1984 and a collection of shallow slippery sorts afraid and sickly but flocking to the latest fashion.  

I’m old.  Laura is kind to be with me. I miss the hard dick and strong back and lifting women to fuck them in their clothing sans panties against whatever wall is convenient, in the streets, in the home in the elevator.  Today sex isn’t spontaneous.

All that is spontaneous is peeing.  My aunt said to me when I was a teen that I’d one day know the locations of restrooms as she did. Well now I’m mapping restrooms and enjoying easy access.  I still drink coffee out but admire camel Laura who forgos beverages except at home.  We’re as amusing together as my dog who when i kiss Laura climbs over my shoulder to add a kiss.

These are the memories i want my mind to turn to not the well worn pages of self pity like to fools card deck.  I want today to focus on the positive and remember life as the glorious gift of adventure and friends that it has been.  

She’s up,  I’ll make her coffee.

Los Algadones. MediPlaza Cafe

I’m here again at my favourite outdoor cafe having a Mocha Grande.  I used to come here with Madigan when I was here before. This time I’m with Laura and we’ve done our share of shopping gifts again, our favourite jeweller, Sandra and leather goods from the husband and wife couple around the corner from Sol Optical. I ordered two more pair of glasses. They take 2 hours. We want to get to the border before the 3 pm line up begins.  Also we worry about Madigan at hone guarding the camper.  

Yuma — Sermon on the Mount, Beatitudes

Matthew 5

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs the kingdom of heaven

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy

Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called sons of God

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Blessed are you when people insult you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me

Rejoice and be glad because great is your reward in heaven for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you

Yuma, Dec. 26

Laura made a fabulous Christmas Day feast in the camper. I’d shopped Christmas Eve at the terrific Fry’s grocery on Fortuna.  She had ne light the gas oven and put the prepared stuffing in. It took 40 minutes.  She put huge chunks of smoked ham and cooked turkey in with the stuffing to heat it.  Somehow she found the aluminum foil in the camper. Then she made yam and potato and carrots boiled together and mashed. The taste was to die for.  She heated up the turkey gravy from Fries and buttered the little rolls. The gravy went on everything, I said grace with the feast laid out on the table wondering how she’d managed in so little space.  She did. The meal was magnificent.  I’d got the turkey from the butcher, normally served as slices, she’d given me a 2 inch wide chunk. I’d bought the Hamm as back up but Laura heated them both up and the meal was perfect.  Laura had a lime soda and I had Coca Cola.  Madigan was in heaven getting bits of turkey and ham.  

After the main meal we had pumpkin pie with whipped cream. When we were all sated , sleepy and having trouble moving we concluded that Madigan liked the ham and whipped cream best. He left a chunk of turkey in his bowl but everything else was consumed,  

“Leftovers for a week,” Laura said putting food away in the refridgerator after I bagged it in resealable .  We’d chosen to have dinner early. It was still light out. I took Madigan for a walk in the desert. Both of us waddled.  

That day I just happened to catch the daily noon Zoom AA meeting.  The local group continued the zoom they’d begun with Covid while their regular meetings is a 3 30 pm a mile or two up Frontage road in a church basement by Foothills. I expect to find it some Friday on my Harley.  The cyberdocs meeting was announced on Friday so I attended that too. It was at 2.  It’s Monday and Friday but carried on despite Christmas being on Monday.   I known these folk for nearly a quarter century,  We began with emails and moved to zoom a few years back with Covid. We’d met in person annually mostly thanks to Dave at the time.  This was the meeting where I met the black doctor I thought was white who told me he thought I was black.  This was in email era anf now we actually get to see each other.  Shares are more structured. I used to ramble on writing and we had to tell an old English doctor to just stop reading rather than have me change to his sake since it wasn’t like the normal format.  Cyber docs still has the emails but I’m able most weeks now to join the Friday or Saturday morning. Normally I’m working on the Monday meeting but here I may be able to participate in that.  I’ve loved the sense of belonging as well as the learning I’m not alone. We share so much and focus on the similarities rather than the differences.  I’m blessed to be a part of something so spiritual. Also I truly admire my colleagues I’ve known so many years. 

It’s the same with street AA. My home group gives me a true sense of connectedness.  Burnaby Felllowship Wednesday night men’s meeting. George emailed me Merry Christmas and I felt warm inside. He’s such a great man with 47 years of sobriety.  He cares for his wife who’s developed dementia and has grown daughters and cats.  

I sometimes think of going to White Rock or peace arch area rather than Burnaby but I’ve rethought that every day.  I loved being where I was and realize that there’s so many reasons like the convenience for Laura and  my Men’s Group to return to Burnaby.  Good people.  Heading south I had that sense of escape but of course I”m taking me with me so here I am rather maturely realizing how good my life was and the idea of escapism fading as I relax and enjoy some time free from work. I really needed a vacation,  I began having chest discomfort which is the long term anxiety driven esophagitis worsened by the daily ibuprofen for the chronic back pain.  I was feeling ‘fucked over’ again by the authorities.  Unbelievable resources to punish when the problem is systemic lack of resources to heal. I have had another Christmas as a Christian with persecution threatened and demands to work over the holiday to satisfy the aetheist communists.  

I feel good here.  I feel that men aren’t hated like they are in the media in Canada.  It’s community that also likes old people.  A snow bird community but without the offended mob that rules in Canada.  It’s okay for me to be of Celtic Descent. We’re not being blamed.  The indigenous I’ve met here are working. All round people seem to be accountable. But that may simply be Arizona.  I expect in LA or New York I’d encounter all the anger and entitlement that rules Vancouver.  Here thought there’s sunshine,.

I loved being at church with a cross section of people, a full church with middle class upper class and lower class.  It felt like the church of my child hood.  A club of folk trying to do good.  They call Christians ‘do gooders’ and I’m glad to count myself among them,  They’re my tribe. I’ve studied theology and nave degrees in religious studies. I read my Bible and I really do ask ‘what Jesus thinks”.  I know my sexuality with acceptance of gays and lesbians and transexuals and my identification with the ‘other’ in that regard has been an issue. I’m moderate in my views, middle of the road.  I ‘m blessed to have mentors who have challenged eugenics and abortion and questioned the renaming of ‘marriage’ and ‘family’.  Love is what Jesus taught but not without discernment.  Working in my world I’ve been in the midst of reality and psychosis all the time dealing with government these last ten years which is much more insane at times than my patients.  

Now I’ve just celebrated Christmas.  The Christmas Eve service and mass was moving.  The family dinner that Laura made was special.  She’s a mother and grandmother and we’ve been lovers and friends for 25 years.  It’s hard to take that in. Madigan is only three years old with so much that is adorable about him. It’s his latest crazy trait, growling with tail wagging when he’s getting petted. He’s still anxious and chewing when left alone, I have to protect my pillows on the chair.  He’s dependent on me.  All tought and big dog when I’m here and we’re in the pack with him challenging authority whereas when he’s alone with Laura she says he’s watching for my return and crying.  I’m blessed having a dog even if he’s a nutbar.  He’s cute and gets me walking every day.

Life is good right now. I find myself knowing peace of mind. Praying daily.  Astonished that I’ve made it here and that the dreams are manifesting. It’s taken a lot of work to do this and cost but I’m here with my camper truck and girlfriend and dog.  Laura returns next week and I’m alone here another month or so. I’m planning on signing up for Spanish and tai chi if I can fit it into my work schedule.  Motorcycling. I want to explore. The thought I’ve got now is to bring the fifth wheel down next year.  I need to sell my big boat.  I thought a trip to Hay Bay before Adell sells the property is in order. I need to see the nephews and great nephews.  

I like the cooing of the doves here.  I love the skies and sun.  It’s a little city and the roads are wide.

I am so thankful Jesus for this time away from work. This real holiday with Laura.  It was so comforting to hold her last night.  She’s content to hang out and read whereas I’m ready to go. Yesterday she so enjoyed getting the pictures and videos of her daughters and grand daughter with her sister’s family celebrating Christmas.  We enjoyed seeing the family celebration on Face book.  Some in recovery have a hard time but churches and meetings held dinners and here we are on the other side of Solstice with the days getting longer and the promise of spring eventually returning.  I’m enjoying missing a winter and feeling my healing of hot and dry for my lungs and joints.  I must exercise more.  In the meantime we’ve been eating very well.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit!!!!

Nicene Creed

When I first began a serious study of Christianity, I’d been a biblical student long before, I learned the Apostolic Creed.  This is the profession of faith that predated the Nicene Creed of the Council of Nicea of 325 ad called by Emperor Constantine who made Christianity the state church of the Roman Empire.  It dates from the 4th Century and is thought to originate in Gaul or France of today.

The apostolic creed is as follows:

“I believe in God the Father almighty Maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord who was conceived of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary, who suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, died, and was buried, descended into hell, rose again from the dead on the third day, ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of God, the Father almighty, who will come again to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen”

The Nicene Creed from the  is as follows: 

“We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of all things visible and invisible.

And in one Lord Jesus Christ , the Son of God, begotten of the Father, (the only begotten, that is, of the essence of the Father, God of God,) Light of Light, very God of very God, begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father;

By whom all thing were made (both in heaven and on earthy).

Who for us men, and for our salvation cane down and was incarnate and was made many 

He suffered, and the third day he rose again, ascended into heaven,

From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

And in the Holy Ghost.

(But those who say: “there was a time when he was not,” and “He was made of nothing,” or “he is of another substance or essence’ o “The Son of God is created’ or ‘changeable’ or ‘alterable’ - they are condemned by the holy catholic and apostolic church’.

There are slight variations and hair splitting and nit picking in the very august and important writings of the Nicene Creed in the Catholic, Orthodox and Armenian traditions. I have a book somewhere on the creeds and it was an immense work of scholarship that tended to put me to sleep after an hour or two like any committee consensus readings. The key teachings though are

God is - father the almighty

Trinitarianism is ‘Three Gods in one’ .  Dr. James Houston spoke of the Persons of God.  The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  They were all one and together from the beginning.  They are all and might represent functions or forms but ultimately all is God .  I joked once with an austere man of letters that it sounded me like the Father thought and the Holy Spirit did so wasn’t the Holy Spirit like the mother, activity.  He was not impressed. The mother of then and now is ‘mother of God’.  

There have been centuries of discussion of details and concerns .It culminated in the Medieval Question of how many angels could fit on the tip of a pin.

The Creed’s key is

1.  I believe

2. God the Father immanent transcendent, omnipotent, omnipotential, 

3. Jesus Christ, God the son, Lord

4 God the Holy Spirit

5. Jesus Christ was made man, suffered died and on the third day rose again, descending into hell and ascending into heaven to sit on the right hand side of God 

6. Judgement and Salvation.

I love the Christian rock band Third Day and was blessed to see and hear them when they came to Abbotsford.  Celebration.

I like the painters who for thousands of years painted the vase of flowers, the bowl of fruit and the mother and child. I love how each is interpreted and the would have meaning conveyed in the exercise.  Like the scales that musicians do and the history and respect for tribal culture that is carried in the learning.  I was a hippie of the 60’s generation who said ‘do your own thing’ but as a dancer I studied ballet and jazz and loved the evolution from jerk to pas de  deux.  As a physician studying surgery I was thankful to the teachers who went before me and loved the learning of civilization that allowed me time and time again in assisting with healing using centuries of wisdom passed through the ages.  

I love spirituality and religions and have prayed, meditated, sat with monks and priests and worshiped with the leaders of many religions. After accreditation in physical medicine I studied the mind and psyhiatriy obtaining my psychiatric degree and working as a clinician many years before subspecializing in addiction which has a spiritual component. At the time i studied Christian Spirituality in several theological colleges and studied eastern religion as well obtaining a master degree from California university in comparative religion. The great irony of my Masters of Divinity is the school that offered the diploma failed.  This was at a time when my American medical degrees were being limited to 5 years making all the medical degrees through history defunct after five years. An interesting development in education seen by many of us as double dipping and the means by which the already literate were taxed further by the declining institutions who were increasingly sidelined in releavance beyond the high cost of the fancy suits of limited value.  The dichotomy between spirituality and religion was playing out big time in education and other institutions.  

I am planning to attend Christmas Eve service to sing carols with my tribe and stand together and renew my faith in community.  It’s that time or the year.  The C & E Christian is someone who at very least makes it to Christmas and Easter Service.  I attend church at other times and read the Bible often but not as often as I did when I was formerly studying theology and taking so many evening courses and reading so many commentaries.  I miss the conversations with pizza I had with my friend John.  I loved fellowship with Willie and Phillip.  It was a joy to see Anna at the Christian Medical Assoviation meeting and hear her sing in Handel’s Messaih.  I loved hearing Carl Ridd talk of his experience with the study of the Bible.  I am blessed to know the Christians I have and continue to know.  

Thank you Lord Jesus. Tonight we celebrate the coming of the king.

Yuma, Arizona, Christmas Eve Day, 2023

As young as I can remember Mom prayed. She prayed with me on my knees beside my bed at bedtime. She prayed at meals.  We attended church Sundays and we read the Holy Bible.  She gave thanks to God the Creator and Jesus Christ.  We were raised Baptist Christian and attended Sunday School.

Christmas was a time of worship, gift giving and family meals with turkey.  Christmas Day was the day of celebration but Christmas Eve was important too.  Even Boxing Day had meaning and was the secular celebration following the spiritual celebration of the birth of Christ.

When I was young I still believed in a linear reality and that time was fixed.  Now I know the circular reality of time of the East and that Time is relative according to physics and spiritual insight.  Today is all there is. Now is present.  I am here and now. God is in this moment. There is no permanence but God and I am perception.  My relationship with God is I and the other, creator, love, Jesus.  

The birth of Christ and creation of all is happening now in my consciousness and memory and belief.  It’s is the meaning of this relationship of the material and spiritual.  God became man.  Jesus the servant God, creator creation, spoke of the love and truth of the Father.  The Kingdom of God was more than the material kingdom of earth. This dichotomy of mind spirit and body material is central to my perception but not necessarily reality.  Reality is much more and much less. God is one.  The mystery lies with me and the sense of being lost on the journey.  God is not lost.  He is within.  Being born today in Bethlehem a mythical and real place I have visited and known Miracles in.  Miracles are everywhere and every when. If you have eyes to see and ears to hear.  

Joseph, Mary and Jesus are all within in the Biblical story with the evil dictator King Harrod who killed John the Baptist and the Judges and Rabbis who condemned Jesus and Pilate the Roman overseer that could have stopped the crucifixion.  But that was all 30 years later in the life of Jesus. 

Christmas we celebrate his birth.  Immaculate conception.  A miracle.  A gift of God.  Anything is possible with God.  God is great.  God is not small. I am small. I am limited. God is infinite.  I am afraid and I scoff. I am a man of hard facts but I’m also a scientist so I’m never closed to possibility.  I am humble as a scientist and open minded but not so open minded all the marbles fall out.  The idea of a God becoming man is not new in the spiritual realm. History is replete with men becoming Gods. The myths are early history.  The essence is they are now, here and now and each day I wake up and choose what I will do with what I’m woken too.  

Celebration of the Baby Jesus is a good thing.  Jesus talked of love and said ‘do not be afraid’.  Believe.  Have faith.  Have hope.  

One of my all time favourite songs is Monty Pythons ‘Look on the bright side of life “ sung by men being crucified”.  The absurdity of life is too easily forgotten. The Harrods are without humor, sub human really,  muscle bound, clever cretans living in fear like Pilate and all the others dependent on this world for joy.  Yet Alexander asking the greatest philosopher of his day what he could do for him was told simply to step aside as he was blocking the sun.   This wise man knew.

Today we hear the angels and shepherds sing.  An event that changed history and raised the eyes of the world to heaven and inward to heart.  A baby is born.  A ruler to be.  The Birth of Christ.  Love wins.  

It’s a great story with Harrod killing hundreds or thousands of babies and Joseph and Mary and Jesus, Jews, fleeing the Jews.  Escaping to Egypt.  The all time thriller and action movie of the era.  Joseph the greatest hero, protecting his wife, adopted child and children from countless warriors, soldiers, police and those who would steal the child and sell him to death for profit.  

There’s no story like Jesus.  There’s only one Jesus story.  Lots of similiar ones. But today is the harbinger of the day he rides into Jerusalem on a donkey facing censorship and obliteration by the terrified men with toys and women and drugs and lust.  30 years he survived till that day which is celebrated in a few months at Easter.  

But time is millions of years and Christianity has survived only thousands. A drop in linear time.  Perception.  Today that time is far away and we celebrate his mother being told by an angel that she will give birth to the Messiah and now she is fleeing in labour to give birth in a manger because there is no room in the inn for a pregnant woman giving birth.  Talk about people not getting up for old men and old women on a bus. Here is a middle class woman. Joseph was a carpenter.  Here she is in the barn giving birth because no one would give the mother of God a bed with clean linen for her to have her baby.  Wise men arrive. They follow the star.  They don’t visit the inn keeper or the penthouse or palace but they come from afar to be there for the humble birth of Jesus., child of God. The coming of the King.,  Gifts of frankincense and Mirh. 

It’s happening today. Right now. Here in our hearts. Jesus is being born and will escape to Egypt with his family because the authorities are afraid.  And he will teach and heal one day  and destiny will be served.  

I’m just glad to have a coffee today and remember all the wonderful times with my mother, this Mother and Child day of Days.  I will pray too. Thinking of Joseph as the great escape artist and manly man like my father who kept the kids safe and together long enough to reason on our own,  It’s so easy to disbelieve.  Aetheism is a fools realm.  Angry adolescents and ‘no’ shouting toddlers.  To believe. Now that is Shakespearean.  Today I believe.  Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not come. Today I believe and look forward to singiubng songs of praise and thanksgiving Christmas Eve with others who celebrate motherhood and babies and escape from tyranny and stupidity.  Christ lives.  Christ is born today.

Yuma, Bonita Mesa RV Park, Saturday before Christmas Eve

Thank you God for a wonderful sleep and great dreams. I was actually driving a bus and had a condo in the great complex in the sky.  Not bad.  It was warm and comfortable all night. I had the furnace on rather than the electric heater.  I hardly heard it.  

The storm of last night had blown over by the incredible western 3:10 to Yuma had finished.  I believe that was the third or fourth time I saw it.

Yesterday began early with rain and flooding notices and Laura’s St. Thomas Dental Centre dentist calling in that he’d be late due to the bad weather.  Laura saw Sandra for another pair of studs and after she had her 4 crowns we saw the same man and wife who had the purse and leather shop near Sol Optical.  I was chilled by the rainy day and bought a brown leather vest, he said was, ‘horse hide’.  I also bought a black leather hat which .she said, was ‘kangaroo’.  Laura bought the Coach and Prada purses she wanted as gifts, 

I was very happy as it had been a year or two project to address Laura’s broken tooth. She’d lost one and another broke and she worried about smiling and pictures and I worried about her health.  Seeing my dentist wouldn’t work because he was in New Westminster and she was down town. The cost and number of visits all were concerning. Here I’d know I’d be able to afford it and that it would be done in 1-2 weeks on our holidays.  Two visits and some 3 or 4 hours of work and now she was done. She was pleased. I was pleased she was pleased. 

We came home to our little dog who was ecstatic.  But having to be left to do guard duty has also resulted in him being more subdued and less demanding.  He’s normally bugging us and hyperactive but I expect guard duty means he naps a lot and his overall anxiety reduces.

I was glad to be in a meeting. I admire my medical colleagues and feel at times a part of .  I’ve been quite paranoid after the betrayals lies and persecution.  All the government boundary violations and micro management and frankly no difference from Trudeau, dictatorship and central control with an aim towards elevating their position at the expense of others. Rampant communism.  Hegel turned on his head.

I sometimes look towards retirement simply to be free from the ‘perfection’ of the beaurocrats with their Borg like mentality.  At the same time I consider my own spiritual growth and the need to answer the question why I attract this kind of attention. I believe it’s a reflection of my judgemental ness.  I attract negatives because I’m negative. I must learn to be less afraid of the corrupt authorities and embrace the corrupt authorities.  I can only accept them, the Harrods and Pilates.  This is a world of imperfection as I am imperfect.  To sin is the miss the mark.  I must become more spiritual and less afraid and more loving and more calm even though the Communist Chinese murdered all the Tibetan monks as did the Roman and Persian emperors murder the Christian monks.  The Barbarians destroy the monasteries.  

Barbarian is a good word though it originally referred to my Celtic forefather’s who destroyed Rome.  We’re faced with several empires today, the continuance of the Russian and British empires, the American empire and the rising Chinese empires.  As well there are countries and coalitions as in South America and Africa and parts of Asia.  Muslims and Aetheist Communists, and the Buddhists and Hindus and Taoists and Christians, orthodox and catholic

This is the day before Christmas Eve.  The birth of Christ. The broad strokes are that God became man and man crucified him.  The baby Jesus’ birth is celebrated on Christmas Day infringed on by Santa Clause and seasonal consumerism. 

I personally am making Laura and I more coffee. I opened a bag of ground Italian which was slightly bitter.  Good enough but likely on sale,  Now I’ve found a ground Kauai coffee with macadamia nuts and vanilla flavour we’ll enjoy over Christmas’s.   When I sailed into Kona I found the Kona coffee to be the mildest and tastiest.  It has the least caffeine so couldn’t compete with my caffeine fix desire.  I’ve so enjoyed Ethiopian since I was there knowing that Yemen and the Ethiopian kingdom were the origins of coffee.  Here I’m planning on trying different Mexican coffees because I do like their taste.  With Ethiopian the famous one is Yergicheffe which I like but it’s the Sidamo I really enjoy so I’m suspected I’ll find a Mexican to my taste. There’s such a range or Mexican and South American blends , I do look forward to exploring them.  Epicurianism.

It’s foggy out with puddles. Laura who reads the weather rather than the news says the sun should be up by noon and the storm be over. There was flooding warnings and an advisory to stay home and not drive last night because of the unusual rains storm. Yuma is touted as the sunniest city with 93% of the days sunny.  

My only plan today is to do the laundry or buy more t shirts and underwear. There’s laundry acrosss the street and in the complex building.  There’s also a pool I haven’t used. I’ve the tide pods too.  I’ve had not impulse to eat them either.

We’re an hour ‘a head ‘. Here.    Yuma is 8 am and it’s 7 pm Paciic Time.  I think this is called “mountain’ time.  I just asked the clinic to adjust my time so I’d end here earlier and take breaks earlier . I’ll probably see one less patient a day but it will be more manageable and I wanted to have a couple of hours off mid day to enjoy the sun.  Starting later to I’ll  have time to walk the dog in a leisurely way. I really am set on enjoying this winter and winter break in Yuma. Given the challenge of the drive I might as well get my full experience.  I’ll address extra demands in a more unscheduled way, maybe work Friday morning again if the need arises,  Right now I’m so happy having slept in a faceing a week of holiday and off the clock time with Laura and Madigan.  When I’m here alone I’ll like the work and structure and the sun, Already I feel my lungs are reviving. I just hope my back gets relief.  I have to do more exercise and perhaps see a chiropracter, I plan to see a hearing aid specialist in Yuma given there was no advantage in Mexico. There’s on near the Walmart close by.

Madigan has brought me his yellow star toy and I’ve thrown it a couple of times in here. He’s brought it back but wants to play fight me for it and I want him to learn ‘give’ and ‘drop it’ so we’re not fighting for a bird in hunting season.

When I hug and kiss Laura in the morning , he joins in and she’s got him licking here ear or forehead pushing in while I try to kiss her. She’s much in demand.  She’s a joy as company. 

Rainy day in Arizona and Mexico

“It never rains here, “ said Mara at St. Thomas Dental Centre in Los Algadones,  Laura’s apt for 4 crowns was 830 Arizona time but Mara had phoned to say the dental surgeon would be an hour late due to bad weather.  It was raining like any day in Vancouver BC.  It rained all last night and I’m surprised they don’t have a national emergency.

I’m actually a bit chilled despite my jacket.

I”m at the Poncho Cafe where Mara said I might be able to get some breakfast beyond pastry. She was right. I’ve had a delicious ham sandwich and a blue berry muffin. I’m drinking a delicious cafe con late.  I had my Hay tartan toque in the truck.  I might buy a vest or jacket once I finish my late and hope the washroom is open.  

I took Madigan for a walk in the dark this morning. Laura woke at 4 am and Madigan jumped up on the bed only to told by me to get off.  His infatuation with Laura is adorable.  She massages his ears and plays with him all the time.  I give him discrete periods of petting then get back to reading.  I throw his ball for him a half dozen times then get back to reading. She patiently puts him as number one and he loves it.  

I finished my appointments yesterday so today auntil the first week of January when Laura flies back from Phoenix I’m on holiday.  We’ve been talking about how to get a turkey dinner.  I have a couple of drum sticks.  I’d thought to have take out at a restaurant .  I am enjoying the new Flame television which has such good Prime and Netflix presentation,

Without work I’m going to go into slow brain mode. I can focus on one day at a time, living in the moment. Here I’m listening to the water dripping from the Tera cotta roof tiles into the mosaic decorated rectangular low pool in the centre of the courtyard.