I was dressed au femme all day but with sweats and sweater. I miss wearing red liptstick on those days. I have red nail polish so guess that sends some kind of above and beyond the Christmas message. I masturbated with sex toys feeling much like I do after I make myself a meal. I am self sufficient. A bit of a closet queen. A man without a woman is not a man and the testosterone is plummeting all across Canada. Erectile failure and potions to flog a dead horse. I read a Futa novel and watched a tranny erotica thinking how much programming we all received as children and youth. The Hollywood 60’s era. Women as sex objects, men active, women passive, fecundity and the pressure to raise a family, more children, more armies, more workers.
But I’m old. The Ethical Slut is more my speed. Sex was first for pleasure and then for reproduction. Now that I’m old it’s just pleasure and I enjoy those who are sexually active. it’s so apparent seeing the trudging old folk who have held onto gluttony or avariée or one of the other sins but eschewed lust. I don’t particularly lust. I don’t at all experience life as i did as a young man. In my teens and 20’s I really was a hound dog, completely enthralled and always ready and willing with the most exciting and adventurous sexual partners. Young women with pheromones and brilliant and charmed. I lived to fuck. I was happiest and most joyful in intercourse. I licked and rode and danced. Life was physical. I longed for babies as a young doctor when the disappointments began and marriages failed.
Marijuana then played a part in my life and an older professor taking advantage of a young resident . My life changed. I enjoyed the experience but not the context. To be pleasured by someone. I’d always felt intensely reciprocal but now I was the ‘sex object’. Today I’d like to be used. I’m not much of a user. I like to share and participate. When I was young I could throw a woman down and ravage her as per her desire knowing she liked being ‘taken’. Today I’m a giver and a lover and if anything I’d like being taken because it’s lazy. The whole blow job craze is about energy. I loved the smell and taste of women and lived between their thighs before whiplashes but a strain on my neck limiting the enjoyment. The young man could live there for an hour but the old man needs to move after 10 minutes. Sexual positions defined by traumatic arthritis.
I love to hug today. Alone I hug the dog. No fear of beastiality. I’m not even attracted to young girls or boys or anyone I don’t know. I am titillated by the women I know who have enjoyed being erotica artists. Erotica is such a nice word compared to porn. The ‘class’ distincition has gone since the whore Justin Trudeau became PM. We now watch Elizabeth and Victoria and know that Epstein Island catered to the rich. Only the poor and peasants are limited to beans and bread and missionary position. Though today the number of people who are trying variations upon variations of polyamory, transsexualism
The spirituality of coming out was a book I read written by a gay priest. I’m consumed by fear and shame. I loved Velvet Rage. I was raised a sexual stoic, I believe I married one of my wife in an attempt to purify the glorious sin of sex with these incredible tarts and sluts I loved as sisters of mercy. So much is in the name. Wife . Whore. I loved my wives who were pure and angelic in the living room while naughty as sin in the bedroom., The rule was monogamy but then politics entered the bedroom. « I’m not interested and the gourmet cook serves night after night of beans,’
I’m meat and potatoes. Even transgendered routines enter into the picture and provide comfort. Once I lit candles and wrote poems and undressed her slowly in the comfort of home but then we had date nights and vacations where I wanted the playbook to be thrown out especially after seeing these incredible creatures in bikinis and topless or naked in the day on exotic beaches. Sex was an extraordinary celebration. Intercourse and climax gave meaning and purpose to life. These we’re the cherry on the cake.
Today the old ladies are disinterested and only a small percentage don’t ‘let themselves go’ while men continue as a significantly superior group lusting till death.
I’ve listened to ten thousand men and women talk of their lives and their sex lives , good or bad.
The Christian’s were good for family but I realized when a truly brilliant gorgeous talented accomplished sex 40 yo woman said « they’re always trying to marry me off and its not like I’m going to have children and a fanily’.
The main stream church
Family
Nun or monk
The GLBT by contrast have alternatives for the older single, post divorce crowd.
Men can’t marry bccause the evil predatory marriage chasing equivalent of the ambulance chasing lawyers prey on the married folk. Single people by contrast can date or be friends or use prostitues or have any number of relationships with whoever. I’ve been surprised at the sex lives of the lawyers I ‘ve known along with the college professors and athletes .
What is the reward of monogamy and death do us part.
Im very thankful for the sexual adventure I’ve known. Yes it’s been scared and dangerous and hurtful and difficult but never really boring. It’s like there’s no ‘bland’ in my life. A beaurocrat who lives a life of quiet desperation under the thumb of his dominatrix wife tried to ‘accuse’ me of being ‘manic depressive’. His lust was avariée and he was a closet psychopath, narcissist and weak, a coward who would have died at Nuremberg and will no doubt no karma in the next life. I am not ‘mentally ill’ except in the ‘insane’ sense that I developed an addiction to smoking young and gave up drinking along with smoking. I also stopped going with men and women who had drug and alcohol addictions.
Sex addiction is an interesting consideration .
The assumption of normalcy is at odds.
Health is an issue. I’ve avoided countless offers of sex and relationship because I was afraid. I was afraid of HIV and today I’m afraid of Covid. There’s obviously herpes and syphilis and identity theft and robbery. Just being known to the underworld sexual addiction sorts is a danger. So I’ve known that the monogamous with family is the first choice. I aimed for that . It’s still what I recommend. The Honda Civic of reliable safe and really sexy adventurous life
The question is whether to monk or nun can have a greater joy than the person who has sex in old age,.
I suspect that now my back hurts and I don’t like to lift women up against the wall and pound them while I hold them laughing in the kitchen I’m like most older men and women limited by physical wear and tear. When I was an athlete and a dancer all I did was have sex on any occasion, every day, many times a day, the dancers and the athletes fuck, The sedentary have dirty minds and isolate and masturbate while the military when put together with sexually alive fuck. I met a woman who was part of the thousands of girls she told me who head to the ports when the warships come. ‘Those boys can fuck, » the girls have always said of the military. Feast and famine.
The fat old professor or judge is the last thing a girl wants as a sexual partner. The choice is gluttony sloth or sex. I’ve been personally into gluttony and sloth but like the sedentary think of sex.
The young do it while the old think about it and talk about it And write about it. I wrote about it.
I taught sexuality at the university.
I have known so many perverts in government. Our Prime Minister is an example of the trend.
What was good for an individual in relationship with God or a community in relationship with God.
There is play, and love making. There is sex and lust and fun. The whole idea of sex is curiosity and adventure or just a warm blanket and a hiding place. The brave can swing from chandeliers but the cowards huddle in the cave. Sex for procreation and family centred marriage is sanctified by the church.
But I still savour the ships in the night. Those glorious explosions of passion that occur between individuals . But was this the alcohol. Or youth.
Today I would rather pilot a space ship but I’ve only this body.
I wore so many uniforms when I was younger
- poet, intellectual, athlete, dancer, actor, writer, doctor, wilderness doctor, skier, white water canoeist, wilderness expert, hiker, fisherman, bird hunter, big game hunter, photographer, psychiatrist, offshore blue water sailor, long range rifleman, four wheel driver, long distance cyclist, motorcyclists, camper, world traveller, flying physician, university professor, clinician, author, monk, theological student, addictionologist, lover, fighter, meditator, runner, and dog owner, homesteader, so many uniforms and roles. Now
I’m exploring gender. My friend says old ladies and old men coalesce. The girls testosterone rises and the mens lowers. Estrogen in old men.
I have been fascinated by the experiences of cross dressing.
It exposes all the lies of the courts and parliament. The dirty old men and the favouritism. The whole I am equal to a man feminist who then cries like a little girl every time she loses and brings the men around her to fall on the man. False accusations galore because the elite bullies and predators abuse women without regret. Only the middle classes and lower classes know true romance. The elite lover power. Narcissism prevails,
But what of the family. What of God.
If I have the false god of addiction and look in the materialism and pleasure of this world do I forgo the joy of meditation and prayer. If I am celibate will I know God more. I was interested in the celebrate monks and priests who still loved avarice and gluttony. The fat popes and the slothful ,
I know that sacrifice is giving up that which one most loves ,That was the great Leonard Cohen song I sang young of the Biblival story of Abraham and Isaac. It’s a story of ‘obedience’ and also a story of giving up that which is most desired or bonded or addicted,
My friend seeing with desire the success I knew when I gave up alcohol asked if he would have the same all round success in life and thought and feeling and I told him , no. I love Cabernet and Pinot Noir. I was a wino, a true connoisseur. I told him I’d only seen his eyes light up with money and that if he wanted God he would have to be like the rich man who Jesus said to give up his wealth. My friend who was a Christian with desire of ministry was instantly silently enraged.
Those who suck at sex are happy to judge those who celebrate and enjoy sex while clinging to their envy, avariée and sloth and gluttony.
I am enjoying life now and wonder why rush to know heaven if I’m going to be there tomorrow. In old age I don’t fear I will get to heaven and I don’t worry about coming back as a cockroach or a politician like Justin Trudeau. God even loves the devil. AS Milton said the Devil turned his back on God. God never turns his back on us. I just don’t know how much excitement and adventure I want at my age.
I might fantasize being a temple slut, a priestess for love and sex and then I’d rather watch tv or read a book.
I learned that wearing high heals is all about sex, It’s like geisha girls feet. The women want to look and be attractive and have long nails to show like the empress they want to be cared for and do no work They make themselves vulnerable. Very few girls carry guns or learn martial arts or wear cloaks when they go out at night. The like the slut walk because maked they have power when young Old ladies agree with old men when they are old. The patriarch Muslim religion steals the power of women in the robing them out of the home. The old wedding ring is a total body chastity belt in the hijab and robes. The Hindu girl is thoroughly mummified and sex takes time. The island girl or the sarong parts and closes and the tropics are now immodest The birth control pill was a monumental event like the male and female condoms and penicillin and Prep.
Sex is all around us.
The future of Christianity will have to address the single and the childless. Jesus Christ was single and childless. He was not the Roman Catholic state church but killed by the religion of the day. He was not the family man. He was not the monk either, not like John the Baptist. He didn’t talk of sex. We don’t know if St. Peter was a wanker. All the Jewish men I have met have been extremely sexual and the women have been laid back whereas Christians have this heavy dose of sexual stoicism . The Hindus are a family religion The Buddhists don’t like desire. The Muslim women compete and are very sexual if it appeals to their men, But most religions revolve around the production of militaries.
What about loving God. Today is it better to masturbate or make love or alone meditate.
If I dress as a woman or a man or wear a different uniform what does it mean. When I acted I became the costume and the role, Should we insiste that men like Justin Trudeau and those in power like him wear diapers rather than ‘power suits’. The administrative doctors dress like lawyers and look down on clinicians wearing white jackets.
I miss my white jacket.
I’ve dressed mostly like a college prof. Slacks and shirt and jacket. I liked the extra pockets. Fat today I like sweats. Maybe if I got my sweats with my jackets I’d find a confortable old wear but I like the sexy feel of lace and silk. I have men’s underwear made with the sexy feels that women monopolized.
I like skirts. I liked kilts but found skirts less heavy. I like the Roman soldier wear.
There’s something about ease of access and nudity.
I loved the hotsprings I visitted in the wilderness with lusty women of my youth.
Oh well. My coffee beans have roasted. Time for another brew. Enough dirty talk. I’d go to one of the art galleries today dressed au femme or au drab. Au femme I’m left alone an odd eccentric , a zebra in the Arctic, whereas au drab I have women and men looking at me and wanting me, inviting me to join their dance of conversation and foreplay and sex. Of course they just want to be friends but where does that lead. I have friends and the causual conversations I have au femme are less expectant Women chat and yet when they chat with men there’s almost certainly an agenda, Men chat with old men in art galleries with or without an agenda, The risk of agenda is least au femme. My cross dressing friend Bob hit it on the head if you want to be left alone go au femme. Humans like dogs avoid the unusual.
I loved meeting the gorgeous young French photographer who talked an hour with me about art and life and her boyfriend and girlfriend and how much she enjoyed youth. One of the finest conversations I’ve had. It all began with her liking my dress. With painted red nails for Christmas women are always opening conversations by complimenting me on the colour. It’s intimate and there is none of the stand offishness one feels with men who are so often sniffing and vying for power or competing or judging.
I just like it.
My all time preferred wear is a t shirt and khaki shirts, I miss La Paz. I like sailing naked in Sea of Cortez only having a sarong ready in case other boats came close, My ex was fit and fun when she wasn’t in the morgue of her homes where only her drugs would lift her from the depressions and manias , I suppose one day I’ll forgive the people who hurt us . She was suicidal and homicidal. When she was well she was a best friend and a partner in crime. She always said I showed her a good time. I’ve welcomed others on my adventures. As a kid I’d organize bike rides and Carole sings and coffee houses and camp outs. Now I’m a loner, I’ve my dog to think of.
In my next life I ‘ll be a young woman trying desperately to avoid teen age pregnancy.
The sun is beautiful now . I think I’ll walk the dog again and ask about the swimming pool and hot tub.
I bought a box of Chinese mandarins for Christmas Laura bought me Oboz hiking boots for Christmas. I wore the boots today hiking the fog shrouded river trail with Madigan. There was a full moon last night. I ate the mandarins last night and this morning. It was a ritual of Christmas with my brother and I enjoying the mandarins my mother bought this time of year.
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