I’m often in the twin spirit world. As a spiritual person I know myself as a soul. Even believing in Christian reincarnation I see this body as temporal. God is not a gender. I don’t know what to refer to myself as . I sometimes say Gender Fluid. I’m no longer the ‘alpha male” I was for decades young. I was competitive successful and a stud, loving women solely yet I’d been abused and twenty years ago I began to integrate these selves. The child within. I’d wanted to be a playwright and worked as a dancer. I loved the theatre. But I took the responsible road of service. I married and waited for a family only to find the women had moved on and for some reason I chose girls who were independent and friends called career girls as opposed to homemakers. I loved them as companions but after years the lack of children or mutual focus interfered and with divorce I was thrown back into adolescence. That’s that developmental phase of being single betfore thee new family. I took care of women. Shared entirely the fruit of my labour with partners and family while having a good life with my dog.
I enjoyed being the sailor. I enjoyed the tropics where a pair of shorts or a sarong was all I wore. I used to love suits and the ‘power’ of the military jackets. I loved the cordoroy and wool and the tie and that image of the university professor. But I left the university and the cancel culture destroyed all desire to teach. Each time I spoke there was some bully in the audience. The best was the lectures I gave to hundreds who all reported that I’d been the best teacher they’d ever had but one, the woman who was a pedophile with her husband , who had not been jailed with her husband, but let go free because of the perversion of the courts, well, she joined the course and wrote reams of offence as aggression and the university asked how I’d so impressed 99% and offended this one. I couldn’t breach confidentiality and say that the children had told me she and her husband were both having sex with them but the police only arrested him. It was a real eye opener. I watched year after year the legal evil of myopic focus and the new left comparison against the perfect, I didn’t want to teach where the bullies ruled.
I stopped wanting to be the ‘wise man’ because all of my dreams of what I would be were trashed by the cultural terrorists. I was afraid. Being held hostage. Being raped. Being in a plane crash. Going through the ice on a mercy run in a skidoo, being attacked repeatedly and always some space cadet administrator saying they could do better from their armchair desk. I was a private on the front lines and turned down offer after offer to be an officer or go back into the fight. I stopped killers and perverts in high places and was applauded by those who counted but made grevious enemies of those who shared the incompetence or perversions and feared me as I was not for sale. I always argued I was because everyone is but the price I would lie for was not little as some who propelled their careers with deceit and silence. . Then truth became relative and the women said ‘my truth’ and ‘your privilege’ and all manner of ‘jargon’. I tried to stay away. I worked in a corner and paid my bills and tried to survive,
95% of German society and Russian society were not the animals that Lenin and Hitler were. Hitler rose to power because he was a killer and encouraged his brown shirts to silence or kill opposition. The Bolsheviks differed from the much larger Mensheviks because Lenin Stalin Molotov and Trotsky said it was good to murder and assassinate and torture and rob banks for the cause. The Maoists genocided the gentle Tibetans like the Muslim Turks genocided the Armenian Christians. It takes only a a few men to overthrow a regime. It’s those who do nothing that are complicit. Bonhoeffer spoke of this. Nuremberg confirmed it. Arendt called it the ‘banality of evil’.
I think estrogen encreases with age. I also have a back pain and young I’d fuck standing up with any number of injuries. Today I really have to think if fucking is worth the pain. I imagine that a blow job or being on the bottom is better as it’s less demanding. I’ve grown lazy with age. I don’t want to start a revolution. I don’t want to fight the good fight. I’m resting on my laurels. I’ve done the manly things and been vindicated over and over again. I don’t think of it as resentment. I’ve come to accept the past but the issue for me is the future
I’ve also realized that I have God’s protection. Archangel Michael is there always cleaning up the threats. Also if the leadership were all bad, in the College in Government I’d not survive. I’ve been persecuted and abused but it’s like all these good people who don’t want the evil perverts and lazy shits to win protect me from death and removal. I’ve survived only because the good people in government have supported me. One step ahead of the crowd, you’re a leader. Two steps a head of the crowd, you’re a martyr. I’m mostly 1 and 1 1/2 steps ahead.
I love my reliable straight and narrow father friends who ,because they have children and mothers beside them ,have not had the advantage or disadvantage I’ve had of freedom. I’ve not had any children supervision or been that worried about consequence. I have taken risks physically and financially and career standing up to and stopping the bullies but I’ve also danced on the tables and sailed alone across an ocean or climbed mountains alone facing all manner of extraordinary danger which I’d not if I was a ‘family man’. I actually did worry about my cat and dogs
But today I’d rather be a 50’s girl. I’m struggling with the image of retirement. I’m working as a wage slave within the narrowest range of healing we can do using a tenth of my capacity because lawyers and beurocrats are micromanaging health care and they are more into the Thanatos ‘death wish’ than Eros “the life wish. They seem to know nothing of miracles and even placebo, They are sluggish in their thinking and ideas which are so concrete. Piaget wouldn’t approve. I’m in a cage of rules that prevent flying and all I can do is triage in war and leave the leadership to fools like Trudeau. I’m a foot soldier in the days of King George the 3rd. Years from now they’ll find that there was a new ssyphillis that infecthed the minds of the UN dictators.
I’m old. It surprises me. I don’t really know what to do when I grow up. I’m doing okay. I’m a little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike hole doing the next right thing but I don’t feel I’m going up. Rather I’m holding my own,. I used to be in joy with psychiatry loving helping the patients over and over again, watching them giving up death and suicide and addiction ,feeling good with my work. I don’t have that same joy. The government invests in lies and euthanasia and Christians are persecuted and evil ideals prevail.
I was an idealist as a man. That was animus to me. My anima is ‘live and let live’….go with the flow and ‘don’t rock the boat. “I’m a pacifist girl and have no desire to be on top. I like to wear panties and bra and remind myself I’m not wanting to fight. I’m old. I’m full of estrogen. The television and the university are full of Greta Thunberg. Girls voted for Trudeau. The feminists promise us they will protect us from the communists and rewrite history and deny the evil of women and that Hitler and Stalin and Mao had mothers and wives and girlfriends. Perhaps more evil than them. The divide and conquer along feminist lines is women good, men bad,
I’m good there fore better to be a Mad Molly than get caught up in the English French insanity. The old are the persecuted today.
We saw that with Covid.
The old are wasted with the devastation to their pensions and their lives of hard work stolen and belittled. I’m one of the old. I dress like Klinger in this war.
I wouldn’t mind breasts but I’m rather fond of my Willie. I loved learning that 10 % to 30% of men were having sex into their 90’s I’m all for being in that group, More women are having sex too. I’d like to pleasure my partner and be pleasured but I don’t want to carry a bride to the bed room or do any of that harlequin romance or dirty 50 shades of grey shit. I’m a DH Lawrence sort that would like to play on the grass at the picnic. I sometimes miss marijuana because we spent hours lovemaking and now it’s not the process but the end. I guess there’s the surprise in lasting. Orgasm. Rated or over rated.
I’ve loved the psychologist friends and female doctors I knew who had long term relationships with males and females. Even now I know so many that switched sides after decades of marriage. A change. The psychologist said I love a person and if I love the person I will love the body. They’d been wth a man for 20 years and were with a woman for 20 years. They didn’t have morality or believe in the anti homosexuality so prevalent in those who need a scapegoat. Cherry pickers from the bible who love to point fingers but deny their own sins. Everyone carrying signs saying my sin is less than yours.
I’m into gluttony with Covid. I’ve got my 20 lbs and bought my first container of egg nog. I suspect it will be my last. I’m too fat for Christmas.
Advent. The coming of the king.
So many I have known have died. Jim Donahue sang, Coming of the King before Christmas and moved me to the core,
Now I enjoy that I can wear a dress to the mall and get my hair done and no one seems to care, I was early having long hair and was shot at and was chased through corn fields of Saskatchewan by four guys with base ball bats screaming kill the hippy.kill the long hair.
It’s probably why I cling to what’s left of it. And still swear being attacked for saying fuck by Elliott’s hollow men.
I guess I have ptsd.
I loved Travelling Wilbury’s.
Handle me with Care. Going to the end of the line.
The dead are light points of darkness in the sky where constellations once were. I look up and the Big Dipper is gone. My brother and father and mother. The North Star is not there. Orion is absent. Cassiopeia is a point of darkness. Bernie, Hank, Scotty.
I find it hard to get close. Every one seems mortal to me and I’m like the Highlander. I feel lifetimes along and so few are continuing to survive with the future more of this while I just want to play. Girls just want to have fun . I miss the dance. Jesus said do not be afraid. It’s all fear porn today.
One day I’ll ‘retire’ and maybe return to theatre and dance , play guitar around campfires, ATV in the woods with my dog, sail oceans again. . Right now I’m doing my “duty”. I’m stoking the star maker machinery behind the popular song. Carrie get out your cane.
I can’t even relate to the music today. Love the symphony. Appreciate history. Like walking among art. Contemplation, prayer , meditation,
I find people say away from me when I cross dress. Young, they bullied me but today I’m old and keep my space if respected but as an old man I’m threatens Young Turks and Young Thugs. I jumped in the air and kicked the leader of the gang right in the face as they came for me. I took out two with jump kicks and kneed a third in the face and the rest held back as I then ran. I was young and full of life, Now I’d pull my groin muscle if I jumped in the air. When the Muslim muggers in Athens assaulted me screaming ‘kill the infidel’ , stealing my gold cross for money not for religion, I’d only been able to run, my first martial art,
Yet when the dark men on Davis Street who were assaulting single femine men hospitalizing them circled me in my high heels I realized how vulnerable women dress , dependent on the group and the society. Faced with these barbarian low brows I was rather frightened that I was going to get hurt and wasn’t going to be able to out run them in high heels. As a man I’m always carrying some kind of weapon, Boy Cout prepared with Leatherman or Swiss Army Knife or worse.
it’s strange.
When I’m alone I have no limit to the thoughts and imagination. Among friends I settle into the role. When I’m sexually active with a woman there’s little desire to be anything more than her partner but alone without plans and a world of choice I’m wondering if I should go bungee cord jumping, take a course in sky diving or get a ticket to Thailand to have breasts. I really like breasts and having my own pair might reduce the pangs I feel when the girlfriend leaves. All the women I ‘ve known have had marvellous breasts and my lesbian friends tell me that they’re as enamoured with breasts as I am. But then I’ve loved all aspects of women except the false acccusations, lies and deceit and evil which is forgiven by women so that they don’t seem to manage their own so often where as I’ve many times controlled men who would hurt women. All the causes I’ve been in defending ‘underdogs’ and now I’m growing old and don’t feel the safety of the group,. I don’t feel my mind is anything but in high heels in a court of jackals. That’s fear.
Jesus said “Do not be afraid’. ‘Jesus never said anything about women in business suits’. He never said anything about men in frocks either.
Oh well. Time to dress for a hair apt.
Shame
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