Journalling at Journey Jeep, Coquitlam

I’m here with Madigan waiting for service to change out a transmission part that was recalled . The transmission light came on my dashboard and I brought it in.  They ordered the part and I’m back again. Service has a 15 year old cocke spanielr female who Madigan said hello to.  He speaks Poodle, spaniel and selective English.  The good news is they say it will only take 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  I told Laura and she’s off for her hair apt on Oak.

I feel more settled in June than May.  I think it’s a seasonal thing given that 29 years ago I stopped smoking and drinking.  I’d read the “cloud of unknowing’ back then to,  So my inner world and outer world were not in alignment.  Major shift back to the spiritual .  I’m understanding women after a few marriages.  Family has been so important to these women while I am close to family but not do interconnected. Indeed as a man I’ve been rather loosely connected social.  I’ve been more focused on my ‘mission’ and ‘task oriented’ while they have been people focused .  

The key factor in my life was the lack of children. I married professionals who didn’t have children and later I did that sperm test to find I was functional but had picked women who weren’t after the first one.  It could just be and lack of ‘compatibility’ but I married for family wanting to follow in my family footsteps but being supportive of the ‘feminist’ movement. Now I know that the ‘meritocracy’ of the women’s movement was hijaccked by the Marxist anti male contingents.  So the Christian home I came from was lost in the aetheism and later in the appearances. Yet here I was once the president of the amalgamated youth groups, years studying Christianity and spirituality, meditation and following God into medicine. I was guided by Dr. Ridd and Dr. White. 

I never understood the motivation of the women. They were becoming doctors to and seemed content to contribute to the profession while I was focused on the core of healing and the relationship with God that took me from family medicine to psychiatry.  Politics and its restrictions had interfered with surgery and private medicine. I studied community medicine and it’s public health isssues also affect by Marx rather than the Christian theology that underlay the whole development of charity and care.  

Marx and the aetheism of communism were like a cancer on the goodness’s I followed. But I was a big fan of empire and governments and Victorian ideals too.  My friend and I said that James Bond had decided out social life along with Captain Kirk.  The influences on youth and purpose are surprising.  Dad would have liked me to be an engineer while his father wanted him to be a farmer and rancher.

I’m so pleased I became a family physician and clinician. On a good day I even am thankful I chose psychiatry though I regret leaving Community Medicine.  

Addiction eventually caught up.  When I married I left the adolescent world of binge and escape but that world returned with each divorce. Maybe even the desire to blatto on wine and pot called me from the mundane.  The devil was conquered by Jesus but he lingers to catch stragglers.  Divorce certainly takes you out of the herd as man whereas the women gather about the divorced female.  Where as I was searching for sensation and the ‘girlfriend’ the women were more mature looking for a ‘vehicle’ for their life.  One actually admitted they want a replacement daddy while I was looking for portable sex. I was on a journey and saw the woman like a thermos of beer. I’m not saying my little head was sophisticated.  The theology and philosophy and all the cutting edge science had to contend with an adolescent caveman.  Hormones and such 

I really have been seeking freedom and loved the Bird on a wire song by Cohen.  I’d begun reading cohen in high school and so many of his songs describes the sights and journey.  Gordon Lightfoot, the Beatles, Travelling Wilbury’s all had their meaning.

Looking back I was working and living medicine and psychiatry in hospitals and clinic. Then I was in AA meetings and back at church.  I listen now to shows and songs that came out of 90’s and 2000’s and I’m disconnected from that world. I sobered up after the homesteading when I was still part of a community when I was back in Vancouver with a ship and a wife who never wanted to leave her family home and an earlier time. We were both rebuilding lived.  She was skiing and I was outfitting an offshore sailing boat.  On a good day i saw us sailing around the world working as clinicians in health care and on a bad day having a way to survive the doomzooming of the climate change cult and the corrupt aetheist death cult government.  I’d really liked thee homestead and clinic and raising chickens.  There was no status for me in this city village after living in London and San Francisco.  Canada was wilderness not sophistication. Vancouver wasn’t even Toronto or Winnipeg though it was a wannabe.

Sober I travelled and pilgrimaged seeking closer contact with God striving to do the next right thing and after a year of strict celibacy retuning to intimate relationships but now with a bisexuality and an unwillingness to seek children and family despite the hope of church friends. The church was family. But I was now associated with the DINK - dual income no kids group and prayed and sailed and hiked and camped and hunted and fished.  

Looking back I’ve had a most interesting life, and I’ve always done ‘service’.  In my work and at home and in my volunteer service with AA and Church.  I romanticize the hippy era with ‘free sex’ and wine and pot. We say that’s alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and it presents as desire. The ‘sins’ are ‘missing the mark’.

I’m big on pride despite my daily whack a mole experience. I play peek a boo with Jesus and wonder what to do as I’m waiting for the Messiah.  I’ve money in the bank and am in dept for my motorhome but remember my mom saying she liked me in debt because she knew I’d be working to pay it off whereas when I was flush she didn’t know what I’d be doing next.  I don’t know.

Today I get asked if I plan to retire. There’s such a shortage of clinicians that the question is the concern of the person that they will be without a service. The question might go to the shoemaker or hairdresser or grocer.  My retiring would disrupt a thousand perhaps.  I have no desire to retire.  I like my life right now and remember the dream in La Paz that I’d work from my boat in different harbour.  Now I’ve sailed across an ocean and down a continent but have sold the boat and have a land barge , the Thor motorhome with a dinghy tow hitch form my Jeep.  I work virtual with Starlink and Cellphone and MacBook Pro and IPad connecting virtually to make consultations diagnosis and prescribe medications.  I contribute.  I’m part of a ‘team’  and the government increasingly communist calls us ‘workers’.  Marxist Neo medievalism has restored the manager and peasant killing the king but also now destroys the middle class, the professionals and trades as the rapacious greedy managers and peasant suck the life out of the society built by the trinity not the binary.  Society is more stupid.

And I study Christian trinity, father , son and Holy Spirit and think the Holy Spirit is a feminine. We are all female before the prime mover God but there was that time when there was a female god and another time of God the father and the mother.  I’m seeking God within and believe the mystical spiritual relationship with God is possible.  Each day I have one day at a time and practice Brother Lawrence’s Presence of God. I visit holy sites, Jerusalem, Bethlemehn, Rome, Ethiopia, Paris, Dublin, Galway, Edinburgh and Aberdeen.

I think of a sex change. I imagine it would be an adventure to experience the world as a trans woman.  Like black like me.  I’ve expanded my awarenesss of gender in the company of the LGBT world not able to relive my own life through the lives of my children and the connections to the future.

So much is decided by the children.  Parents meaning and being are defined by their futures.

I’ve a dog and live to some degree because of him.  Parents especially mothers are least like to kill themselves I’d not kill myself because of my dog My dog needs me.

Meanwhile the aetheist governments , communism the religions of aetheism lie about ‘scaricity’ and promoted MAID and euthanasia to add to Malthus.  Of course space travel solves the problem just as the opening of North and South American solved the problem when Europe thought they were ‘overpopulated’.  The poverty in the world is a product of incompetent management but then it’s said we get the government we deserve.  Here it’s like living an empisode of invasion of the body snatcher with our Ottawa low brows being Luddite’s and lyabout science . I loved the book Radival Abundance and love being another godly who are optimistic about life and life after death.  I just listened to Live for Today,

I don;t know what I’ll do when I grow up.  I watch detective showss and westerns on tv and read westerns when I’m not reading biology, theology and genetics.  I put in a day of work and pay the rent and teases to support a village disgusted to learn how the political thieves are stealing.  I’m following law and order nad didn’t like seeing the psychopathies and sociopaths working in the jails.  But I know the doctors and judges and most politicians and beaurocratic were well intended. 

Wars continue.  Islam is attacking Christianity in the Sudan.  The communist aetheists continue to genocied the Buddhists of Tibet .  Love and war. 

I really do believe mother’s tell their children to button down the hatched when they drive their space ships past earth.  

Look, they kill God

I’m struggling with loving the spiritual as opposed to to loveing the material.  Everything in moderation ,  Obesity reigns among those who judge the fit who have sex.  The girls work out in the gym and the men follow avarice.  It’s all rather primitive.  

But I’m not immune to the absurd, 

These are the result of the feminization photo feature on Grok. I like the face lift as part of the feminization.  I think the younger version is better than the turkey neck.  I don’t want to act my age or fight a war I liked when we said ‘make love not war’.  Aging is not for the young.  I liked my gorgeous friend saying at 40 she was chequng out a 20 yo when she realized she was being ignored and imaged him seeing her as a corpse.  Ageism is much more ubiquitous now in Canada than racism or any of the other popular ‘isms’.  I’ve had little need for the health care systm but here I am obviously in need of major cosmetic surgery and I’m probably too old for it anyways.  I’m thankful I’ had my hair colored and that I have hair.  My friend had taken to shaving off whatever he has left. I’m due for a chiropractic treatment this weekend because my back hurts mostly because I’m over weaight and need ozempic an lipo suctioning. I’m thinking of fasting. I used to fast for days and weeks.  I meet a bass player who fasted and ask him if he was doing it to assist his meditation and spiritual development, He said no “I’m between gigs and poor and find I can get higher on pot when I’m fasting’.  

George is giving me my 29 year cake in a couple of weeks if I don’t get drunk and leave for LA to be a pole dancer.  My friend is singing again and plans to do her retirement doing jazz and country. My other friend is reciting poetry. They’re the women I know .  I find I like the girls play better than the men play at my age.  I don’t want to watch sports and chug beer though I like my male friend who arr in the library researching or building little houses , Mostly those guys are thinking of their sons and daughters. The single guys are planning trips to Sturges or going fishing.  

I’m thinking of going for lunch wearing a skort.  I like the material compared to the rough canvass though I could have lived forever in the tropics without only my sailing shorts or sarong. Winter clothes in Canada are heavy.  I’m liking the summer.  I miss the nudist beaches of younger years.  I tired of scuba diving because I didn’t like all the gear. I’m liking ‘light’.  I’m letting go of the heavy.  I don’t want negativity and the media is full of it. Must men always be so pompous.  I fear I’m pedantic.  I really need to lose weight if I want to go to any beach given the weight of my vanity.

Thank you God for this day and this life. Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and love. 

Unpacking Transexual History

I am enjoying Transgender History by Susan Stryker which focuses mostly on developments in America from mid twenties century to today.  It’s shocking that as late as 1963 cross dressing was against the law.  Based on that, the whole country except perhaps the Amish would be deemed illegal today.  I did enjoy the advances in language proposed and the history of these developments starting perhaps with German doctor. Hirshfeld and progressing to his student Benjamin’s designations. Sexuality is biological but gender is psychological and social role is a third distinction.  I don’t know why there has been such confusion in the media where people are arguing that Gender trumps genetics. 

As a physician myself I am always shuffling the hierarchy.  A fractured leg is important but secondary in an emergency to the heart stopping. When we have enough people we address multiples but alone in the emergency at night I had priority.  So Sex, Gender and Social Role have precedence in context and time.  

I just finished Before we were trans: A new history of gender by Dr. Kit Heyam PH.D and enjoyed the broader, global and more ancient historical perspective. That book addressed trans gender experience in history and other cultures and makes a rather strong case for the non binary through time with clear distinctions of sex and gender and role that were extremely offensive to early western traders and conquerors.  I appreciated this because coming from Celtic or Indo European heritage I never grasped the chauvinism so entrenched in the East, Middle East and Meditarrean world.  

My mother and father didn’t have the relationship taht is so comic strip radical feminism.  Mom was primary in the home and dad went out into the world to serve the family.  He was a powerful man but always with a few memorable exceptions, worked together with mom as a team, cooperative and respeccful of ‘domains’ that would change with illness and time. I have always defended women’s rights at great personal cost on many occasions and respect that Jewish women and Italian women and Iranian and Nigerian women have had major struggles.  Canada obviously was until the last decade a leader in women’s rights and I believe that came from the Celtic and Indo European history of the origins. As for aboriginal tribal relationships there were actual matriarchies and patriarchies by tribe.  There is no doubt that Russia, Saudi Arabia and China are patriarchies but Ireland and Indian according to anthropologists are more matriarchal.  It’s all mute though when one can no more dissect society and family than one can the human body.  That tendency to intellectualize in parts is not the organic and interconnected as reality. Indeed the lack of wholistic perspective is central to the failure of Marxist grossly outdated and often barbaric thinking.  OF course he was a chauvinist and lived in a society celebrating male dominance. 

I don’t like the Marxism that permeates a lot of the transgender and LGBT history with the language of “oppression’ knowing that Communism is a religion of perpetual war that aims to increase dissent in the groups it targets as stated by Putin of his highly funded KGB days infiltrating the Peace Movement groups to benefit the Communists fighting American in the Vietnam war.  Yet even West Point studies the revolutionary tactics of Communism because of their success in reducationism polarization and mobilization of peasants and un educated willing to worship and follow second class elite.  Lenin, and his family, unable to gain status in the elite world about the Czar went on to destroy rather than create killing the Czar who had killed his brother.  Mao has similar persona vendettas against his enemies and very successfully uses the primitive ideology of ‘them and us” as EE Cummings would describe with it’s words of war like ‘oppression’ to gather a proxy army who falsely believes that leadership cares about them.  As Voltaire said. Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king’.  

That said the politics of change says that there needs to be a Black Panther movement for the ruling class to listen to Martin Luther King.  The moderate is only chosen when there the alternative is disdainful.

So these two histories challenge any idea that everyone is black or white.  The world is shades of grey in the whole with progress made by forward backward movements and compromise.  Before we were trans with its historic and cultural examples is a powerful a denouncement of the idea of absolutes. I found both books together making a cogent argument for the courts especially to move from the 19th century to the 21th century and personally appreciated the concepts of inclusivity and exclusivity reading these books.  There’s a balance and juggling act between too loose and too tight.  Obviously one doesn’t want to be so closed minded nothing gets in or out or so open minded all the marbles fall out. My biological training makes me appreciate the flexible membrane which it’s ATP controlled permeability. I object to those who insist there should be no walls but live in massive gated communities and tell others to do as they say not as they do.  The hypocrisy in politics is so objectionable.

Stryker does a marvellous job of discussing the attack by radical lesbians and homosexuals on the queer and the transgendered who’d often been the ‘shock troops’ of social change at flashpoints like Dewy’s, Compton and Stonewall.  They are comfortable and middle class in their acceptance now and fearful of change no different from the mainstream heterosexual.child based family communities that resisted change.  

I’m still reading Strykker’s book and learning  more in depth about developments that I personally participated in as I was in the civil rights movements and had close contact with the LGBT community as a dancer and actor and in my personal journey. It’s easy to demonize’ the ‘other’ but not so easy when they are family or ‘yourself’. When I studied Hebrew and learned that ‘infinity’ was a mistranslation of Biblical Arabic it was easier to appreciate a ‘loving God’s since one only went to hell for a ‘long time’ and certainly my own life had periods like this.  Jesus was crucified and went to hell to establish his rule.  This was days not eons and the study of history is the study of time which is not as simple as one thought thanks to Einstein and Schodingers and modern physics.  Subjective and objective are dichotomies which get mixed up in the transexual history just as I encountered when I trained in community medicine after family practice and surgery. What was goof for the group especially considering scarcity of resource might not be best for the individual. Indeed the real problem was in the realm of corruption and privilege and issues of ‘fairness’ or even ‘justice’.  

Now frankly I’ve muddled along in my life and appreciate others do the same so I really appreciate the history of struggle of those who didn’t win the lottery with a Rockwell childhood and family and a calm disposition.  I spend all day working with marginal ,different or the elite with little joy in their latest acquisition,  I’m curious that way.  

These books are so much more informative than social media and fascinating when one strips away the anger and fear and drops the word ‘oprresion’ because the Beatles recognise revolution only serves the revolutionaries most but without pressure the elite will not give an inch and we will see the kind of rot that begins in stationary entrenched societies that won’t grow in awareness and acceptance.  I still think of Turing and what he gave and how we returned his gift.   At that level I certainly am ‘inclusive’ and weary of those who want mirrors and judge anyone different from themselves. As a Christian I appreciate that Jesus was more radical than Gandhi  or Buddha but Herod was more like Mao and Mohammed.  I ‘m a left over hippy saying Make Love not war and enjoyed that a Transsexual protest solagan of the 70s’ Fuck don’t fight’. .  I believe we need war and peace but that the balance is off.  These books are great reads .

Addendum: I finished the Stryker book only to be disappointed by the last chapters and conclusion of book. It devolved into a radical leftist political rant. So sad given the pre Obama history. Critical of Clinton and Trump it devolved into the politics now a decade back and about individuals and events that are strictly a partisan bubble. After Jenner it really lost me and it was disheartening given the earlier work.

  

Trans

I am enjoying the audio book, Before we were trans, a new history of gender by Ktt Heyam.  It begins with the dissecting of gender assigned at birth (ex AFAB or AMAB) and then looks at the fluidity of gender in different cultures and different times.

I’m sensitized to this as an old hippy. Long hair was gay and the Beatles long hair was obscene to many in my parents generation fresh from the wars when men fought with crew cuts not so much an expression of gender as a prevention of lice and better fit for helmets.  I was called gay when I supoorted women wearing pants to school, a huge scandal in my school in which I was roundly vilified.  It was a time when women wore skirts and skirts represented feminity.  Such silliness diddn’t consider Roman Legionaries or Scottish Highland Warriors.  

The great song of my youth was ‘are you a boy or are you a girl with your hair like that you look like a girl’.  When I got into a fisticuff with a redneck looking for a fight and too full of beer my ‘long hair’ like the Beatles of the day was hardly over the ears, executive cut for today.  

I enjoyed therefore this book reminding us of the absurdities of gender laws through the years..  Men wearing coloured vests scandalously gay while women wearing short hair was obviously a sure sign of a woman being lesbian, I think of my poor elderly mother cutting her hair because managing her glorious long red hair , fond memories from my child, was just too much trouble in her late 80’s . I fear she’d be aghast if she was accused of late age lesbianism but historically this would be true ,  Men wearing jewelry was suspect especially more than one earring.

Now what’s fascinating is that in other  cultures gender hasn’t been as reductive as it has in western patriarchy.  I was most interested in the separation of gender and sexuality. A role in Angola was masculine but it could be held by a woman until the patriarchal Portuguese invaded and subjected the country to th catholic patriarchy of the day.  Women holding these masculine ‘roles’ were evicted from their jobs as an ideas of female inferiority was introduced.

Recently there’s been a spate of chauvinist humor directed at world leaders like Trump as the female patter of Putin and Trudeau as the bitch of Singh.  I tend to think of trans as gender and sexuality despite knowing that 90% of ‘cross dressers’ are heterosexual , mostly married and not interested in men.  

The author also points out the history bisexuality where leaders female and male are historically known to have had sex with the other but it’s not affected their ‘gender’ assignment. Alexander a notorious bisexual is never depicted as such an is gender queer. His maleness is  never in doubt.  This is because the chauvinist patriarchy demands the greater world leader be male and heterosexual .  So bisexuality  is downplayed.

 Hitler’ s murder of the gays along with Jews as discussed in the classic ‘Pink Swaztika,was not of the ‘discrete’ gays but rather the ‘feminine’ .  The macho men are this,  like prison ‘top’s who will kill you for calling them gay or a bitch.  “I fuked men’ but I was never fucked.  I ‘let fairies suck my divk but I never sucked dick’.  The Mexican police I met insisted they has so much ‘Sex’ they needed to have sex with men and women because they were so male. Sexuality and gender were not necessarily linked. Yet in different cultures gender is linked to spirituality.

The book unpacks this ideas separating gender from sex and role, considering it academically with fascinateing examples from history. I just listened to the story of Ann Lister, a famous early last century lesbian whose fault was her fashion more than her sexuality. She apparently dressed in clothing more from 5hemlikes of Mountain Equipment Coop than Holt Renfrew because  liked to hike with her girlfriends. Male attire though scandalous was  more appropriate for the climbing.  

I’m here on Commercial and seeing the whole kaboodle of gender expression.  Personally I’ve painted males and earrings .  But then at one time men shaving was considered feminine.  I like that Jesus apparently had long hair without the aquiline nose. The dandies of the Elizabethan court were frowned upon because they washed .

I think my poor dog who was groomed yesterday must be seen as gay today. .  He is really omnisexual  being discouraged frequently from humping Laura’s leg, boy and girl dogs and pillows.  Humans are a funny lot. Too band wanker isn’t a gender category.

Sex is biological and genetic. 

The judgemental are amusing. I loved reading the Golden Bough of Frazer which describes the need for a community to be the same for difference could  lead god to cause floods or droughts. When people dont know which red berry causes death or which snake venom is deadly then stereotypical behaviour is safe.  Primitive society is extremely fearful repetitive  and superstitious. There is no doubt that sameness may lead to longevity of centuries. Tried and proved. Mainstream. Not bad and certainly a common template for raising the young.   The obsession with rules is what is needed to appease the Gods.  

As a Christian I know Jesus was a good guy. I don’t feel such fondness for St. Paul. Alot of themOld Testament as history is little different than the murderously  barbariaric Koran.  

Madigan and I had fun having a mexican lunch with Laura on Davie street. She’s noted that the once young gay street is now much more populated by older gay male couples .I told her she was definitely gorgeous and voluptuous, with pink nails and sparkling sandals .  She liked my the multi colour glass frames. Today they would just be considered trendy and far too square for Elton John. My rugby playing woman I know  delights in gowns and pears when she goes out to concerts.. My other  female friend changes to black jeans and black tshirt when she works on her truck engine,

I feel less than because I’m not a macho man with  a safe certainty.  Like many men who were sexually abused I feel identification with the aggressor who considered my youth at the time feminine and his being a chauvinist partricarchal predator saw me as a hole in the mattress.  There’s been an effort to address pedophilia, sexual abuse of children and serious questions about man boy ‘love’. Meanwhile a girl from  Iran told me peoophilia was normal for the Ayatola and his fellow clergy. Their approach to pedohilia is way behind the Catholic Church and the education system here in Canada which have been exposed and vetted unlike parliament and congress. 

I often comment on the Khan gene that suggest his brother and he had many hundred of thousand of mates, A one man rape of the sabines  Certainly the Unwillingness of Biden an Trudeau and others like the British royal family to let out the Epstein list shows that pedophilia is enmeshed in the leadership in Washington, Ottawa, London, 

Also I’d trust a pillow with my dog than anyone or anything with Xi Jin Ping in Beijing.  If Putin did anything untoward inecrophilia would follow. Indo Europeans and celts popularized the family while South African success was having as many cattle and wives as possible. Trudeau lowered the age of consent for bestiality as obviously that would get him more liberal votes.The silliness of multi culturalsm is the homogeneity and ethnocentric who project their own ignorance  on the world .  Thank God for the Darwin awards.

I was criticized by a woman doctor administrator who never realized what a butch bitch she was when I explained the Berkeley gender sexuality scale that had hard wired homosexuals and hard wired heterosexuals who on questioning would rather die than have sex with other.  Meanwhile the majority of people were opportunistic with a middle bisexuality blip. . The test results  reminded me of the great movie scene where the man asked the woman would you have Sex with me for a million dollars an she answerd, I’dconsider it . Then he asked,  what about for a dollars.  She sthen said what do you take me for. ‘He responded  , well that’s established I’m just dickering for price.

I’m enjoying the book because it’s expanded my ideas of gender and made a place for the Mad Mollies of Ireland , the female soldiers and others but most importantly that it separates the ‘chauvinist patriarchal’ idea of the woman and transwoman as inferior.  Dirty.  I think of myself as that.  I mostly think of my self as less than because I’m not a father and the only baby I had was aborted.  That’s a whole other history. 

Before genetics and viagra a king could still be king if his knight was happy to pregnante the queen.  Not so today.  Confusing complex times when so many are anxious and afraid . 

Madigan was so happy to see Laura today demanding her whole attention, He was jumping up and down between us that I let her go without hugging her.  I miss hugging her.  

Getting old is unmanly too.  

Fear of Death/Love of Life

Fear of death has been thought the greatest fear.  Many variations of the theme exist like fear of dying, fear of pain, fear of powerlessness, fear of loss of control, humility, and much more.  

The classic psychiatric text was Denial of Death by Ernest Becker.  Denial is the most primitive of coping mechanism and used primarily when overwhelmed or perhaps negatively surprised.

The historic and traditional, microcosmic and microcosmic, approach to death is reproduction.  Children have been humans ,individually and collectively, response to fear of death and mortality.  Art and empire and monuments are all other ways of attempting to reach beyond the apparent limit of life.  Religion and all manner of thought systems further attempt to extend this life.  Not only is this the forward thinking approach but the study of history and archeology further advance the idea that life isn’t brief and perhaps sordid but rather long and noble.  

Love of life and imnortality go hand in hand. 

Vanity.

Children and family and genetically related individuals and groups are the building block of society.  

Yet coitus interruptis, the ‘withdrawal method’ was mentioned in Genesis.  L’Chaim , to life, but not if it’s to one’s dead’s brother’s progeny which was the requirement of Hebrew Law. If your brother died without an heir, you were required to i pregnate his wife.  Onan, much maligned for Onanism, or masturbation, rather failed to impregnate his dead brother’s wife and give her and him an heir. Instead he wanted to keep the land for himself and his progeny.

Land and land ownership and all that ties to that was of course part of the need for the construct of permanence and denial of death and change and fear of course of change and death.

The reformer is the enemy of anyone who benefits from the status quo but as change is frightening.

Faced with fear we ‘freeze’, ‘fight’ or ‘fight’.

“Freezing’ is very popular.  However what happens to an ostrich who puts its head in the sand. “It doesn’t know who kicks it”.

Birth and death.

We only have other’s word about our birth and the Big Bang theory, and we can’t tell anyone about our death.  Just one more of the great paradoxes of life.

The Book of Mormon was a sublime comedy and satire of all philosophies and religions.  The play was a challenge to all ‘people of the book’.  The major books are Bible, Bhagadvagita, Koran, Talmud, the Tripitaka, the Tao, Communist Manifesto, and the list goes on.  Each book has a protagonist,  Moses, Mohammed, Jesus, Paul, Buddha, Confuscious, Marx, etc.  There are a variety of these emotionally carthaced individuals with a mythology that surrounded their venerable lives.

The notion of God is ideas coming down from God, Intelligence and ideas going up to God , competing elevator ideas.

The oldest law of the world is the Chinese Law of the Fish, there are Big Fish and Little Fish, and little fish must be fast and numerous.

Having children made people bigger.  We protestants didn’t like to fight the catholics because we had a couple of brothers and sisters in general and the catholics had a lot.  Throughout history empires were made on children who provided the armies and the equivalent of slave labour.  Today children are pets. Then they were tools.

Feminist is a great myth. Women’s individualism was a product of contraception and the myth of overpopulation and the Industrial Age.

The Machine,

The Dark ages aren’t as dark as intellectuals would have you believe The advances in engineering are mind boggling.  Just the idea of the lever and the pyramids and stone henge are more monumental than space flight. 

The dark ages and Middle Ages were a time of physical advancement and not just paintings.  The renaissance was a recovery and advance of science.  

Science joins two with the ‘neutral term’ ‘associated with’.  Marxism and it’s little sister feminism joins two ‘events’ with the value laden term ‘oppresses’. Hence the hysteria of victimship and legal equivalent of side taking, and blame and shame.  Politicians advance with divide and conquer and ganging up. 

Individualism was never desired.  In face of threat humans congregated.  Being alone was for the lunatic and the religious.  Even monks were a community as Thomas Merton showed in his study of Buddhist and we knew of the Dessert father.

War is us against them.  It’s all fear based and paranoia.  Steal a little and they put you in jail , steal a lot and they make you king. The winner writes history.  Women are equally guilty.  Eva Brawn and Hitler’s Mother created Adolf.

Women have been second class only because of their unwillingness to accept accountability.  No praise without blame.  Today the various victim cults want license not freedom. The language is changed to validate whatever ideology suits , such as murder and abortion or Medically Assisted Suicide,

I turned 70. I am an individual.  I realized 28 days alone at see with only a dog and a cat.  

The only day we have is today. Carpe Diem. ODAAT. One day at a tine,  We live from sleep to sleep. 

Life is a manifestation of memory desire and today.  Buddha did say desire is the root of all suffering.  Kierkegaard said life is suffering unto death.

Freud said Eros and Thanatos.  Life wish and death wish.

Politicians promote their children today and say vote for me “I”m a parent’.

The division is ‘parents and single’s, ‘families versus individuals’,  With the machine we don’t need many more. A dog and a cat perhaps, a God, a friend.  

Sex was first for pleasure.   Later it was connected to child making.  Later it was known that the largest armies one.  

Gender is a product of the past.  

Humans are heard animals. Raising children or even monkeys alone created insaniety, death wish dominant.  Raising biologically disconnected children, adopted, kibbutz etc worked.  

Science takes groups and compares them and finds general trends and directions which can guide but don’t predict the future of the individuals.

Individuals and individualism is associated by farmiles and countries.  The paranoid sees the individual as oppressed by the group.  Certainly the Communist Committee Gangstrism continues to oppress individuals.

Others see all relationships as mutual ,versus parasitic,

I like my dog,  Dog and human have been a long history of mutuality.  

I remember family and being born but my father’s generation was born into the celebration of the ‘family unit’.  The Asian family unit vernerates the old.  Children are a mother’s old age pensio.  Mother’s collectively are cared for by children in old age while the world is full of disregarded old men.  Men die 10 years younger than women because they are uncared for .  The lie of feminism was that women were tougher, but when put in the same jobs they died as young. Feminists haven’t been creative but have raised children for themselves .  Today women have sons on leash. Men have dogs on leash.  

Men are becoming women and women are becoming men,  God doesn’t make mistakes.  The whole idea of that is fate versus choice.  I chose to dress as a woman and because of that I can be deemed wrong, bad, mad.  But the other who says God made a mistake. Is the latest in the victim motif.  I love the advances of science and women getting big breasts and women getting little breasts is called cosmetic surgery. I’d like breasts as a man for the sake of cosmetic surgery.  Not because of fate or free will.

However the great industry of law and psychology is to ‘advocate’ for the outside.  Today one of the wealthier groups is the new ‘drug pusher’ who is the ‘advocate’ of the ‘drug addict’ who can’t abstain but must have safe source.  The natives did the land claims game with native getting 1 million dollars while two lawyer groups got 10 million dollars each to gabfest.  The safe source debate is little different,

The same debate occurred with Sangster and birth control and abortion.  The pregnant girl could abstain or the rape could have been compensated as in tribal society superior and more sophisticated than today which is a lewd and obscene society.  Neither better or worse. Difference.

The idea of the Christian’s refusing to take the plank out of their own eyes while attacking on mass the mote in their neighbours.  The Christian who is obese slanders the Christian who murders.

Hierarchy of hate and shame and inside out sider is perpetuated in the law of the fittest.  Are we reducing the gene pools but helping the wounded

I don’t have children. I like wearing dresses. But I liked wearing cammo. I liked wearing the military imitation officer suits popular with lawyers and politicians. I liked wearing yachting gear and dancing wear and clinical lab coasts and college cordoroy.  Gender is not who I am.  

Yahweh - I am who I am.  

Namastes - the God in me salutes the god in you.

Alone I am never alone,   I am a Christian.  The Christian god is loving and always loving and not judgemental ,  Incluseive , not exclusive.  But then God is loving and judgemental and inclusive or exclusive.  God is all or nothing and All and nothing.

I loved the 60 tv show Prisoner.  A totalitarian dystopia whereas I’ve a libertarian dystopia.

As a Christian I’m top of the class as married man with good kids today.  As a politicians, the same.  Historically the Christians were individuals and disciples and groups and some were alone and some some were married.  We don’t hear much of the children of the disciples.

Cherry pickin Christians have rejected Paul on women and slaves but also cherry picked Jesus ‘. Thoughts on enmity and money.  

I loved the 60’s books, Be Here Now (a take off from Brother Lawrence, Pracrticing the Presence of God’ and Elkhart Toole, Power of Now.,  I also like the couple who wrote ‘what to do till the messiah comes’.  A Jewish couple who did’t believe Jesus was the messiah,  I heard an Anglican Priest say he didh’t believe the Bible.  Another Protestant Canadian female minister didn’t believe in God or Jesus but wanted the job and pension.  

The government doctor told me “Act like a doctor’, and he had the arrogance to think he did To me he was just another ‘suit’.  

My life as a community psychiatrist was always “attraction’.  The world of ‘prevention’ is even more attraction.  The ‘police doctor’ the ‘licensing doctors remind me of the time when I was in charge of the asylum. If you wanted out you needed to do as I say.  There’s a world of coercion in medical politics,

In the healing profession the person is dying and you can delay the process and relief suffering.

All medicine is palliative care in face death,

I and my family go to heaven. You and your family go to hell. Your mother wears army boots.  Amazing what we can’t learn from what children discern. You’re in or out.  King Lear at the end speaking to his daughter.  Shakespeare calls it ‘court things’.

90% of cross dressing men are heterosexual .  The whole feminist movement of today is the woman wearing pants. Chanel to Hillary Clinton. The argument that post modernism is just a pretty name for the Super rationalism that denies the feminine and denounce the mother, the holy mother, the sacred mother.  Women in communism the religion of aetheism were denied children. Abortion and hysterectomy . Vasectomy is not a communist thing,  The primitive tribal woman says we count a man by the number of his children.  

The number of children and number of wives

Anthropologists define the west as ‘serial monogamy’. In my childhood 50 year marriages were normal with divorce rare and families in tact to some degree mostly. Today the urban divorce rate is 50 % and 5 year marriages are the norm.  Based on individualism and science perhaps the 50 % marriages that persist are the bad marriage.

My friend who left high school and became a millionaire called me a slow learner because I spent another 12 years in institutional learning and even went not to teach at a couple of universities.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Women act more like men than their mothers,  Marx and Engles wanted to destroy families as a threat to the almighty god of the State.  Communists call mothers ‘Breeders’.  

It’s fun getting to know women more.  I also see gays and other minority groups in a non child centered fear of death way.  

An early female Judge found 320 consecutive family cases against the man.  

The woman registrar at the College of Physicians and Surgeons said “Women don’t lie about sex”.  I have to date never been compensated for all the sexual harassment I have experienced in the work place, the rape, the caning in school, being hit in the head by a teacher’s wooden mallet, the individual list of ‘wrong’s’ and manure of self pity that power the ‘pay me’.  The story of the fisherman and the beggar is lost to history.   

I don’t like being among strangers.  I have worked in the jails and the asylums and I have been in government offices.   I am good at my work.  I’m like a motor parts guy, a spiritual fixit.  I know the products available and have a lot of answers to all manner of questions most of which people are afraid to share with others.  

Live and let live.

Jesus taught Love God and Love thy neighbour as yourself.  If any passage in the Bible veers from this then that’s what needs to be discussed not whether a trucker wears diapers.  

To thine own self be true.

God is all and I am a part of God.  

My identity is not my self’.  C.S.Lewis’s said thoughts are ‘creatures’.  St. John of the Cross, Nada.  The spiritual path.  The long dark night of the soul.  

I am a lone but not alone,. 

 

FEmulate

I refer to myself today as bisexual.  It’s a life time assessment. I’m also transgender. I have cross dressed a lot in my life.  It began as a teen ager when I played female role in theatre and later in dance I’d dance female roles. I had no attraction for men and refused countless offers of Sex from older gay men until drunk and stoned I was raped. Busting my cherry was an extremely painful experience with internal tearing and what in retrospect I can only think was a sadist.  I had had the most exquiste wonderful sex with girls prior to that and all I thought of was girls. Nothing about men or penis’ made me horny. Breast did. Vaginas did.  Pretty faces and smooth skin. 

After being raped in that summer of drugs and poverty and my friendship with the older ‘queen’, I returned home to my parents and stopped drugs and returned to church and shut off that whole experience of betrayal and abuse.  I didn’t smoke dope again for a couple of years.  I didn’t even link the events to marijuania and alcohol.  I just focussed on success once again.  

I wanted to be a play wright.  I had trained in the theatre and was acting main stage and dancing on television.  I had the sexiest girlfriends, glamorous, athletic, voluptuous, carefree fun women who were all my desire. I was lustful and manly. I fucked women standing against walls. I’d lift them by their thighs and penetrate them tearing panties and knowing all manner of laughter and joy.  Sex was incredible. It was the reward of life.  I had orgasms and the girls had orgasms. I learned to lick my face off and enjoyed the taste and scent of women. I’ve watched bucks following doe in the woods licking them before they mount them in rut. I was like that.  

After my first divorce I became more religious and celibate and finally met another beautiful girl who was so sexual in our courtship but then we bought the house, I’d been working three jobs and she was so into her sick family and what the neighbours think and began to treat sex as ‘dirty’ and ‘beneath her’.  

Again drugs and alcohol entered .  There were no kids too. She didn’t want kids and I’d thought that was what marriage was about. She also never seemed to leave her mother who was ever in our lives and a thoroughly crazy lady with high drama and a need to be the centre of attention.  I would do everything to please and pleasure her but she increasingly disparaged all things masculine and prided herself on being a feminist mocking my achievement and always critical.  Her family were alcoholics and we drank wine and the marijuana had returned on vacation but a source appeared closer. Our friends smoked dope and drank wine and drugs and alcohol have strange effects.  She painted the house pink and wanted me to move to the basement though we shared a bed.  It was all in the last year.  I pointed out that I spent years between her legs and she had never done oral sex with me once. She said with all the authority of the Queen, “women don’t like oral sex.  Ladies don’t do it”.  

The trouble with that ‘we are not amused’ and her mother and sister and friends was that they were at variance with the zoological data, the sexual history, and I was teaching sexuality and discussing these matters with beautiful brilliant upper class colleagues and a range of patients having difficulty with an orgasm and marriage. I was the scientist and she treated men and me and sex as repugnant, all of a sudden, in the 8th year of our relationship as if she was having an affair or whatever.  I begged her to spend alone time with us but she insisted on arranging for her family or friends to be present. I begged her to come t o  that final conference with me but she’d rather spend the time with her mother.

Deep throat was playing at the movie theatre. She thought it was dirty.

I was in the hot tub with gorgeous young New York psychologist after a day of courses in Arizona.  

“I love deep throat,” she said.

“My wife tells me women don’t like oral sex’

“You know that’s not true. I love to please a man. I love the feel of his orgasm. I love the smell . I love the taste of his cum.  Don’t you love women that way too”

“Yes, I do, The secant of a woman and the taste of her is as exquisite as intercourse. I like the foreplay and the act alone.  My first wife was utterly womanly and our sex life was mutual in every way. My wife demands cunninglingus but doesn’t reciprocate and increasingly she’s become a dead fish in bed.”

“I don’t understand that. My boyfriend and I love sex like we like a good meal.  It’s so healthy and pleasurable. “

She had leaned closer and our bodies were touching and then our lips and in the hotel hot tub. I experienced ‘deep throat ‘ for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed it. I’d had oral sex as a precursor to intercourse in previous relationships. I’d 69’d but this was different.  Explosive.  And there were all the taboos being broken and the red wine.  Red wine made me horny and rafter a couple of glasses all womens’ breasts seemed to grow and they all glowed. I hard on wine.

We missed the last two days of the conference spending them together in bed. I will never forget that deep throat though it became ‘normal’ in the following years,. I also won’t forget her sense of fun and pleasure.  She thanked me and we couldn’t stay in touch as friends simply because I returned and told my wife I’d not used a condom, that I needed to be checked for STD’s.  She was used to me wanting sex when I returned from being alone and thought this unusual. I was honest. I felt guilty for not using a condom more than the adultery though I did feel bad for breaking my vows though by that time I’d made so many sacrifices and accommodations to her and her family that I really was seriously wondering if separation wasn’t indicated as there was no children and she was depressed and her mother was depressed and her father and brother were always drunk.  I had experienced ‘deep throat’ and she was absolutely wrong about ‘women’ and I was really tired of her superiority and arrogance and was arrogant myself but admitted fault and prepared to accept she was the ‘victim’ and I was the ‘victimizer’ and just a higher level of her favourite game. It was the height of Marxist feminism and we’d had seven years of CBC condemning men collectively and now I was confirmed the ‘bad man’. She had never celebrated any of my successes but boy was she all for rolling in my defeat and putting the boots in.

I spoke to my prof who wad at the time going through a divorce. We were attending a workshop with Virginia Satire the famous marriage therapist, Later he’d invite me to his home alone with his family and we’d get drunk and smoke dope and I’d be fucked. I felt like a fly in a spider web.  The whole experience was pleasurable. I d shared my whole sexual history and marriage problems with him as he said he needed to know all this as my supervisor.  Now I was penetrated anally with lube on drugs, literally semi comatose and frankly immobile, like I’d had a nerve toxin.  I couldn’t move and didn’t complain except to weakly say. No , I don’t think this is right or some such verbal utterance while my body opened to him and accepted being bred.  

She ‘d left to be with her mother and he would come in an take me and meet with me and advise me.  I was a zombie at the time studying for my final exams.  I tried to break it off but I was smoking dope his cousin had as often as I could and drinking.  

She was innocent and wronged and angry.  I never knew when he appeared. It was definitely consensual though I felt like an employee boss’s relationships. I really liked the sex and the friendship. I begged him to stop the sex and that we could just be friends but he’d simply love fucking me. Frankly I liked being fucked. I was alone at the time, no friends and this homosexuality and the separation distanced me from all my normal connections. There was no one I could talk to except my stoned friend who had I’d let move into the basement as he had no where to go.  I was supporting him and serving as a fuck toy and had lost all my confidence and esteem. He liked me wearing his ex wife’s lingerie and frankly I felt better in the ‘constume’ and ‘role’.  I felt thoroughly divided I just wanted to finish my degree and leave. 

I did just that.  I went to a relationship with a friend and had access to wine and marijuana as I did my American medical exams and was offered a position at Stanford and another at Berkeley.  I lost everything in the divorce , never one to focus on money watching her suddenly take everything she could. There was even a painting from an esteemed friend given to me as a gift of friendship . Of course for me it had great sentimental value and reflected a decades of friendship but to her it was money and prestige so it was ‘hers’. Anything of financial value she took.  I didn’t care at the time. I was paying and people pleasing in this new relationship with a more sophisticated lady and lover and enjoying California. When I needed money I took a job in the north. 

I had crossed dressed a couple of times walking in the woods and masturbating imagining my self a girl masturbating.  I liked wearing a skirt. That was all. But I remembered the prof and wondered about myself when I was under a great deal of stress. The issue of having to make a decision about finances had triggered those episodes and the day of my exams in LA .  But 99% of the time I was happy in my masculine role with an amazingly beautiful woman who also had a strange relationship with her dominating mother.  She was another ‘princess’ too. But not a feminist and clearly loving being a woman.  I didn’t grow up with sisters and never learned how to argue with them or how vengeful they could be and took becoming a psychiatrist to understand passive aggression, psychopathy and proxy violence the norms of female dispute. 

I was alone again in the north. 

We argued because she didn’t like that I left and we argued and I didnt stay to play out the drama.  At the end of my northern stint with money in my pocket I came back to get my stuff and drive north again.  I had been offered a job in Virginia and was headed there but wanted to see the holograph exhibits in Vancouver. I saw the holograph as the closest representation of god on either and was fascinated with them.  I was still studying theology and spirituality and consider the ‘herb’ as ‘sacred’.  I had done LSD to know God. I was meditating and seeking experiences loving when I was in ‘the flow’.  I had that sense of synchronicity often.

Looking back and knowing that 6 weeks to 3 months is the withdrawal period for marijuana I wonder how often I was in PAWS, as smoking marijuania I was stable and in a steady state but when I went north to work I stopped marijuana and now again I stopped it and was restless irritable and discontent. It was n’t long before I had a new source and would have my routine of binge drinking and binge smoking with a few days of dope and weeks or months of only occasional drinks. The work hard play hard scenario. I had volunteered to help with the HIV service and was living in terror.  

Meanwhile I had dating the most sexually advanced women in the world.  Their skills and enthusiasm and joyful news were an eye opener. I spent months with a nurse who later told me she’d worked as an escort which didn’t surprise me given the amazing nights of sex with red wine. She had coke too and we tried that but not my thing. I learned later she had an addiction and was taking money from me to cover her costs. It explained her erratic behaviour. I didn’t like uppers except coffee and cigarettes while I did like wine and cannabis.  It was great being a man and sex was fantastic those years but I wanted marriage and family and a relationship with someone I could share spiritually

I worked. In the country I dated and had more incredible girlfriends with extraordinary sex. We were all young and athletic.  Being athletic, jogging, swimming, hiking, cycling, skiing were all the basis of great sex.  

I didn’t have Erectile Dysfunction till my 40’s.

My last marriage was great sexually. She was brilliant and beautiful and just the best of fun in the beginning. We both liked that each of us were drunks and stoners.  Our differences exploded over time and her mother was as insane , but now certifiable as my second wife’s mother, but as well the family was alcoholic and addicted but wealthy.  I actually thought that we’d move to the country among my friends who all had children and that my second wife’s problem was that her friends didn’t have children but were feminists and business women who priorized wealth. I thought with this wife I’d be in the midst of families and children and have a family. I even played the guitar  and sang “Our House.’  But trouble began when she failed her exams and continued to do more drugs and then began to spend her tine with her mother and I was months alone in the country as she studied to repeat her exams and I worked to support us .  I ‘d do this and people would think while he’s married a doctor so he should be happy but the doctors I married chose the poorest paid jobs and didn’t work much at all or were students while I worked three jobs and brought home  2/3 rd of the income and was fiscally responsible.  She’d had a daddy who bailed her out and a cocaine problem which again didn’t become apparent till later.  The fact is girls on cocaine are sex addicts. When I tried it I got ED so it was a stupid drug for me.  But the girls only had to lie back and be pleasured and on cocaine they were animals in the best of possible ways.

But alone girls in the neighbourhood would come to have sex and I said no. Beautiful young girls who I regret not having sex with. But I’d committed adultery and was not going down that path again.

It was in the country smoking dope and drinking wine alone in this big empty house with a dog and cat with her in the city with her mom that I began wearing skirts again and silky and satiny clothes. I loved the feel of women’s fabrics . As a young man like Hefner I’d lived at times with my robe , a writer, and now in the country I was the writer who wore comfortable closthing and wrote.  I liked the sensuousness of being female but my masturbatory fantasies were of being a man with females.

In the next years sailing I’d be a pirate and ships captain and at most wear a sarong and not have any questioning of my sexuality but struggling with what was the future of a childless marriage and a wife who was always depressed without drugs.  I was excited by sailing and exploring but she was forever getting in fight with other girls and had no friends.  My friends were the ones she used and in the end she only wanted to know my friends who did drugs and scorned my colleagues and gossiped negatively belligerently about my good friends, the ones who I knew who rarely drank and rarely smoked dope.

I d say I never wanted to see the dealers around and complain that while we were away she’d knowing let her house be used as a grow operation. I was working in addition at the time and she thought a bag of dope from the dealers for free was suffient reward. She got her coke.  I bought her all manner of lingerie and we began using toys. She got into coke again and her girlfriends had told me that was her thing younger and a major problems. She had inherited millions but we were living on my savings and I’d got work again in the north but as she had millions I said she could manage all the money anf she set up accounts for her self and took my money I made and was doing coke and I was smoking dope and drinking red wine and masturbating. Sometimes I was cross dressing.  I’d gone to a second hand store and had a cheer leader skirt and wore that and was writing.  

I’d a job lined up in Tenessee but she wouldn’t go and she wouldn’t get out of bed.  I prepared to set up a practice , I’d set up several successful practices on my own but when we built a clinic in the country she’d simply not worked .She did dope and stayed in bed and refused to work,. She got a job with government and didn’t work for years yet with goof nurses and supervision in the north she’d functioned.  I tried again. We invested my northern money in a clinic. I took out a $50,000 dollar loan because she said her millions were in investments and her corrupt lawyer backed her and she didn’t work. She did coke and got her hair done and didn’t show up for a waiting room of patients and referrals which dried up in a week. I organized a party for her to ‘open her practice’ and she bought gallons of wine and catered for a hundred or more but she didn’t send out invitations to the gps.  She didn’t work. A few of my colleagues arrived wondering at this elaborate set up with all the wine and food and no guests and her dealers and her drunken drug addicted friend who supplied her coke and became quickly loud and embarrassing.  

It was a nightmare.

I was suddenly seeing 10 people a day coming home to her stoned and depressed and watching her do more medically dangerous and shit show things as she was only happy and content on coke,  I am so thankful it was never my addiction or desire but I drank wine and smoked dope and smoking dope I didn’t think but played guitar and masturbated off fucked and thought it would all turn out,

I couldn’t go on.  I took to staying in motels with my dog because she was up all night on coke. I wasn’t thinking sexually . In survival mode I was all male and asexual. I thought she was trying to kill me as her mother had tried to kill her father. She was more insane than my patietns and it was a nightmare of nightmares. 

There was an unnecessary early death and I couldn’t say more. I’d been through that already previously putting work before family and now protected family.  I was seeing a psychiatrist who didn’t think I was drinking too much or smoking too much dope but was as concerned as I was about her cocaine use.  We arranged to send her to family to get her away from the dealers ….she’d had black dealers when I met her and I rather liked that because it was another source of marijuania but cocaine was a different matter. People with dying and losing everything,. She’d had a coke addict carpenter working on our boat a university friend who stole from the other boat owners in the marina who approached me and I fired him and asked her ‘what she was thinking’.  He was her source.  She always lied.  Lying was normal with her. But she was amazing too.  I loved her as I loved my wive’s but I also drank and smoked dope and was a people pleaser and intellectual and a bit crazy.  I was working with the craziest too so had a wife range of tolerance and experience.  It was a long way from the 50’s and none of the marriages I knew were ‘normal’ and I drank less than the doctors in my group and marijuana was everywhere in the upper echelons of my cohort. We smoked dope with doctors and lawyers and engineers.  We drank with the police and military.  It was friends in high plaees.

I cross dressed a week or two in that insaniety. The psychiatrist I saw said that he though I was using cross dressing as an anxiety reduction too.  It was an escape like alcohol and marijuana.

I couldn’t continue. She’d refused to get help and I was sure she was going to kill someone. I was covering for her practice anfd she refused to go to treatment but stayed with her uncle never telling him about her addictions or violence but blaming everything on me.  

I left. I walked out. She’d changed the code on the alarm and I’d arrived home from a day of work with her totally out of it.  I had her dealers casing the place and the house had been broken into several times in the previous years and now  I was increasingly anxious and it didn’t make any sense.  I wasn’t able to to sleep with her ranting all night pacing and not showing up for work.  

I just walked out,. I couldn’t find a hotel that took my dog and went to live with my biker friends who had a grow operation. I’d read the writing. Men are bad. Women are good.  The rich are right and the poor are wrong. She was angry that I initiated divorce proceedings.  I was smoking dope and drinking with these childhood friends who lived on the edge and were happy to have my money pay for their coke. It seemed that in a year everyone who’d been ‘good ole boys’ smoking dope had got into coke and I coulfn’t see it’s merit. I was older and staying up past midnight wasn’t attactive nor were the single young women in their 20’s who lived to party with dope.

I was working on a boat I’d bought with a view to living in the harbour but the guys kept saying I could restore it and I’d do a few hours a day but that was all. It wass a piece of junk and I figure that the $10,000 I gave them , they weren’t my friends, they’d become addicts and feral while I wass away.  One who went onto the hells angels took me aside and said that they did this. They took a person in an stole all their stuff and that I should get out while I could because he’d seen this done a few times and that he didn’t think it should be done for me.

A freind phoned and asked if I needed help. Another Christian. Said he had been given the message to call. I said yes. Bring a truck and pick me up.  He came with a station wagon and we loaded my valuables after I’d lost $30,000 and then with RRSP’s spent another $30,000 on lawyers who vouldn’t do anything because they said she was incredibly wealthy and was using the tactic of the wealthy ‘stalling’.  

I had one night with the bikers where I went out in the woods and work the witches outfit I’d worn out rocky horror pictures show in the moon light alone praying to get out of this mess.. My friend phoned shortly after that.

I ‘d decided that I couldn’t drink or smoke dope. I’d decided too I wanted to rebuild my life from when I’d left church.  I’d been with a Christian psychiatrist in Psychiatry and studied Bible at University in addition to medical school. I thought drinking and smoking dope were a dead end and I’d never do them again. I’d tried quitting smoking cigarettes, in the last weeks, 2 packs a day, smoking green garbage bag old the grow op shake and rolling drum tobacco .. I was a mess. I have a picture of the time . I looked like a pirate. I’d lost a front tooth and vanity hit me. I was fucked.  I returned to the church and cried in the pews remembering the innosvens of the days when I was president of amalgamated baptist youth groups.  I grieved the loss of the idealism I’d had as a poetry and the dreams I’d had as a dancer and entertainer and the dremasI had of serving as a medical doctor and all the service in the north.  I accepted charity from the church when the welfare woman began screaming at me that welfare wasn’t for doctors. My ex had movement all the money into her accounts and I’d cashed my RRSP’s and my friend wasn’t charging me rent but taking IOU’s.  I was getting food from the church and accepted I had to have income. Now welfare verbally abused me and kicked me out humiliating me before a room full of clients.  I was in a constant state of mhumiliation and withdrawing from cannabis and alcohol.  

It was spending long hours walking my dog in the woods. With no furniture in a trailer my friend ‘rented’ me on IOU’s , I’d pay him back in a couple of months I made chairs and table and he borrowed an old futon from a friend. I was praying  and meditating and writing .  

I had no sexual thoughts or feelings then. When I had a sexual urge for a woman I’d contain it and was celebrate another year of my life. I’d been celibate for a year or two as a yogi and now I was intent on being celibate for a year. I was praying and meditation and living very simply.

That’s when Graham learned I’d a private insurance policy I’d paid into for years and now I was getting thousand dollars a month disability and rich. I could pay rent and begin to pay back my debt. I sold some stuff and a thousand dollars to buy a car .  She continued to wrack up debts and play poor living ion a ten million dollar house in shaunghnassey with the multimillion dollar inheritance she’d received and she took my boat. When I learned of that I went from the completely passive failure to that’s not right. I had a Christian lawyer who was a saint because she didn’t feel what was done to me wads right. The Christian doctors totally supported me and didn’t accept the abuser.

I saw a lawyer who said I wads entitled to 5 million from the house as half that assess and he had a forensic accountant who would get me half of the millions she had in investments and bonds.  I said I only wanted my boat, It was only worth $60,000 but it had been my home and I’d worked on it for a decade and done my ships capatain’s papers and sailed it to Alaska and Mexico and wanted to sail again offshore.  The Christian Lawyer, my truthful saint, thought I was generous and that she wass unreasonable. But i got the boat after I put I took it off land with the help of AA friends, Christian’s  and doctors and aboriginals. I had joined AA when Bernie came to the trailer one night to take me too my first meeting.

Looking back at that hell of a year, I’m surprised how a year later clean and sober and back at work with a whole friendship of AA and Christian community how it was ever possible. I was living on my boat but my dog had died.  The dog we’d bought together for his companion she’d sold.  Last I heard she was living alone in that huge house, the mausoleum to her mother and working still. We’ve all grown so old

I had girlfriends in AA who were now sober and intimacy was incredible. I made friends and lovers and sailed solo across the Pacific through hurricanes in winter and had a glorious talented girlfriend but my parents became sick and the work became suffocating and I escaped home anxious again.  I was starting another practice. It was overwhelming stress and my mother was growing worse on my visits and I began dressing as a girl and dating a man . I had some experiences in the park late at night thinking that I couldn’t face any more chaos. I was living in an apartment and considering the options of homosexuality and transgender enjoying cross dressing and joining a cross dressing society. I was off Davie street. But I also had a friend and we continued to camp and date and I sailed and at sea would wear women’s clothes but stopped associating with the Davie street crowd though I’d made a close friend in Gay AA. We weren’t intimate but I dropped a lot of predjudiceds and learned a lot of the falsehoods I”d been fed these years.  

I’d been exorcised and spent a year or two in a ex gay movement and ‘purged’ my clothing and setting into years of fairly monogamous relationship which worked because we didn’t live together and she was who she was. Untreated al anon and isolative and dependent a bit, thoroughly involved with her family but while her children had problems the adults of her family where sane.  I thought that was an improvement .  She associated with negative people as had my ex but had enough positive relationships and when I went to AA or Church she was happy to come along. On her own she was Christian but isolative.  I was taking theology and going to AA and church and working and we were fine, good friends. She was loving and amazing.  Sexually she’d been one of a kind for the love and friendship.  

I’d begun to fantasize men when I masturbated. I didn’t know when I’d have ED and found that sex was work. I had to think about it even with viagra and that gave me terrible heart burn. I dreamed of lying back and being pleasured. I thought of all the women I’d ‘pleasured ‘ and all the ‘work’ I’d done and was resentful that there was no reciprocity. With the athletes of my youth we were on top and bottom and bucking and bronching but now it was more just ‘work’.  My back hurt.  

I wanted to be seduced.  I wanted to not be the person seeking sex and I had no tolerance for any delay or rejection.  I was thoroughly off the long history of women judging and picking and choosing and man as supplicant.

I’d gone through 2 years of a false accusation and lost $50,000 to a drug addicted psychopath who used a powerful insane beurocrat as her proxy weapon. The hateful pervert said ‘women don’t lie about sex’ and I watched the years of feminist abuse with women not standing up to these people while daily men were destroyed.  

Then we had a chauvinist pig take power and claim to be a feminist and the women celebrated this evil idiot.  I was increasingly fed up.

If you can’t beat em join them.

I was afraid to be around women. Man was the nigger of Canada to paraphrase Lennon who like so many of my youthful idols lost their shine as I grew older.  

I felt safe in the midst of gay and lesbians.  I like my AA and church friends,

At home I let comfortable in shifts. I took to wearing bras and panties when I could, I travelled ‘au femme’ and didn’t ‘pass’ but I was comfortable as ‘non binary’. I felt the church wass family and that there wasn’t a real place for the single who didn’t want to marry’.  

My partner became older and was over worked and tired.  I was over worked and tired. 

My dog and my life were threatened and the College and the Police didn’t nothing. I felt I couldn’t even protect mysel and that as a white man I was by the algorithm of the Marxist Canadian society , the aggressor.  Women and everyone else were the aggressed. Marxism began with the rich as bad and poor as good and Frankfurt school of  Marxism 

arbitrarily extended it’s dualism to any pair, with men , they were the aggressor and women the victim. Victims and Victimizers.  

I could leave Canada and go to a country when the Y gene is not a disease or I could give up the fight, I was so tired of defending against all the bullies of these last years. Or I could lie back and surrender. Rape is inevitable in Canada.  I felt less anxious dressed in a jean skirt and top. I felt more comfortable,

Covid and lockdowns came and I worked from home and gathered a wardrobe from Reitman’s an Walmart and began to feel less anxious and less pressured. In work we were expeeted to perfect but it was all without resources like being asked to do brain surgery under a 25 watt light bulb.

I was in love with the Book ‘Black like me’ younger and everything I learned cross dressed confirmed that women and men weren’t generalizable,  All the politival nonsense was unscientific and power politics.  I was now too old to be anything but marginalized and an outsider.

As an old man I could be a celibate, I’d be a monk and study and write and that’s still available to me 

I thought of retiring but I could use more money to pay off my home directly rather than from savings. I have had severe debilitating pain for years now and am abstinent from drugs and alcohol. I have this year been doing self care and becoming more function. Plane crashes and various other vehicle crashes took their toll but I do think that back pain is psychosomatic back stabbing pain. I pray and forgive and meditation and 12 step and yet keep having intrussive thoughts about the psychopathic betrayals rapes and bullying I’ve experienced all the while I was helping people who experienced this too.

I could die now. I’ve had a good life. Despite the flashbacks and intrussive thoughts and nightmares I’ve achieved my goals, had the best family and friends, greatest lovers, magnificent spiritual experiences, and really am grateful. I have to resist the catastrophising and poor me. I’m learning to live in the present and know God more deeply,

We are all women before God who is the first mover.

A man without a woman is not a man.

I enjoy being a man with my friend. I am tired of being the provider protector and constantly hearing women blaming men. I’m tired of doing all the ‘self work’ and being among people who don’t do any self work but spiritually and mentally masturbate.  I feel like I’m showering spiritually and I’m often among the unwashed .They all love that I’m nice and smell nice but they’re so arrogant and self satisfied doing the least and being so self centred.

Then I’m in a program that says I have to clean my side of the street so I do and feel alone.

I’m afraid to get a sex change because I feel I’d lose my friends but I’m not really sure I want a sex vhange except living in Canada or maybe its BC. If I moved to Texas, Calgary or Paris I’d feel fine being a man, I liked the Parisian women celebtating old men. I have many successful male friends who have left Canada and live in South America, africa or Asia where women don’t loath being women, don’t hate men, and celebrate older men.

I’m an outsider as a cross dresser and transgender.  I suspect i could make a new network of friends in the community though there are too many who have addictions in that world for my Joy. Indeed I wonder if my own transgender is a sex addiction.  

I could take testosterone or estrogen but I feel castrated in canada and finally after years of abuse by the authorities I think ‘identification with the aggressor’ is the way to go.  I think women in Canada would applaud en mass death of men until the next day they realized that men were good slaves and servants.  

The courts have stolen the children of men.  

The men in my practice physically raped by men and physically assaulted by women have been so sad,  I was beaten in my sleep by a coke addicted woman who broke into my apartment after i tried to break up with her. “No one leaves me she was screaming”.  I asked my patients with gashes all over their heads why they stayed with their physically abusive wife’s. “When I ‘m not their they abuse the children’.  I have seen men whose children have been killed by addicted mothers.

Admittedly I’m anxious.  I’ve been anxious a lot and I pray all day and go to meetings and share and cry.  I don’t know what to do next but I’ve done my duty as a man and served my time and now would like a vacation as a woman.  Women have been crossdressing since Chanel’s pants and Hillarie’s Pant Suits.  The whole femininity of the 30’s and 50’s and the best girl friend of the 60 have today ended with Kardasian and women angry at men while the elite men and women get away with murder and no one cares.

I found 80% of my colleagues are burnt out except the elite and those in Quebec who have been coasting for decades.  

Now I’m okay.  I’ll die soon,  I have less back pain and really 90% of the time I’m blessed. I’m so grateful. I am confused but I pray and know god is good all of the time.  This too shall pass and I’ll know a door opens as another closes,

Today I have love and friends and I have a wonderful dog who keeps me going for walks and eating meals.  We’re okay. I just know that if I had a choice to be an alien I’d probably put on a blue body and get on a space ship. But I wouldn’t want to leave all I love here either.  Ambivalence is a bitch.  

Sunday, Summer,

I’ve had a great sleep waking refreshed. I was again in my dream world of old friends who have passed and present ones in the Mediterranean mixed Canadian wilderness setting.  I’ve a sailboat and truck and hunting gear with a Ravine where I see game but don’t actually shoot anything. I’ve also a lovely white washed deck and almost conference like housing out of the mountain.  That reminds me of Athens.  Everyone is friendly like at a campground and non judgemental. I feel welcomed. It’s an image of heaven and I’m kind of childlike, a teenager of sorts.  I am part of groups but generally it’s a lot friends and family and loving people. I feel it’s a kind of heaven.  Then I wake up here.

I saw the chiropracter yesterday again.  My back pain is reducing weekly.  I still feel fragile.  I have relief though.  I’m even able to do stretches before getting out of bed so that I’m not put to my knees with pain trying to get to the washroom. It’s been years of chronic pain and months of this latest round. I’m so thankful to Dr. Ready for giving me hope. I was catastrophising. I asked Dr. Mina Antonnious to do an xray so I could feel safe going to the chiropractor.  The old fracture was there and the aging and arthritis.  Dr. Lydia Waterson was sweet saying it was a really young looking spine.  Given where it’s been and the number of accidents I am thankful.

This week in my doctors recovery meeting we discussed health issues and recovery.  I was surprised that some of the folk I thought were as old as me were younger. All had physical injuries or illness.  Several had had heart or back surgeries.  Terry talked about being unable to walk down to his basement and having back surgery for a ruptured disk.

I explained that I was a psychiatrist so all that I had was ‘in my head’.  I had recently had this back pain and seen the doctors and had an xray which showed arthritis and an old spinal fracture.  I said the doctor said I was ‘fat’ and that I needed to exercise.  I was seeing the chiropracter and taking ibuprofen but I wanted to share I was in the ‘action’ phase of motivation as I had bought a book. I showed it to them, ‘Exercises for the Lower back ».  I said that being a psychiatrist I hadn’t actually opened it but I was keeping it near and if things didn’t continue to improve with whining and denial I might put it under pillow.  They all laughed.

I worry I offend folk all the time. Tommy is a transexual psychiatrist who has a motor home and a harley and is to my shock 80 yo. I believe she said that because frankly I thought she was my age.  The other fellows I thought my age , one turned out to be in his 50’s.  I really have difficulties with this. Turning 70 unleashed a whole lot of theoretical and intellectual confusion.

I’m always talking about having breast implants and a face lift. I think of an identity change.  I find I’m weary of this perfectly good life and identity.  Being a psychiatrist I have daily contact with people who are most disturbed. Having begun wanting to be a healer with words and relationship and address the underlying anger, fear and despair I’m now mostly just prescribing medication. Drugs pusher for the multi nationals.  The Lordco guy offering pills and choice.  Given the rise of counsellors and psychologists and the emphasis on the material I’m actually happy to be more the gp psychiatrist than the real thing. Certainly there’s a heavy emphasis in this gp province with the gp college police doctors and the arrogance of the gp group collectively politically .  I was a gp and kind of miss it but feel utterly unappreciated as a psychiatrist .  The magic and the mystery and the spirituality of the woohoo ‘mind over matter’ that moved me to psyvhiatry and has attracted  me.  I’ve seen miracles throughout my career.  It’s so different from my experience as a family physician. I talk of the ‘arroganee’ the gp because they created a ‘speciality’ and paid themselves more as a big group without doing the 4 years royal college training I did. Indeed I received my certificate of family practice as a country gp and it’s like the nurses now who are insisting they’re ‘superior’ because of the ‘nature’ of their training. I’ve done both and ‘psychiatry ‘ and ‘community medivione’ and ‘addiction medicine’ have all been belittled.  Yet the processes of learning and perceiving and relating in that different way which paradoxically results in outcomes is not understood except by the psychological psychiatrists.  I have a female psychiatrist who aligned with the psychologists because they understood the ‘mind over matter’ message.  Meanwhile the pharmaceutifcal industry arrogantly wants to take credit for the responses to ignore the 30% placcbo response across the board and the research on the importance of the ‘bedside’ doctor.  

Oh well, I’m at the end of my career and it’s been a struggle. The police doctors have been the worst with such limited mental process and the affliction to the authoritarianism and their fear.  Appeal to authority.  We see it every day now. The propaganda. The WHO ‘administrator’ overriding all the specialists. Here the ‘cconsulting boards’ are hand picked and not acknowledge by their peers. It’s all hoooohaw.

I’m here outside on this wonderful day in a lovely light leopard skin patterned sun dress with yellow painted nails and toes wondering whether I’m straight or gay.  I ve loved women all my life and wanted family but now at the end of that adventure I don’t ‘objectify’ women to quote their spokespeople but rather enjoy them most. But its been a life time of Marxist attack on the male.  

Laura is the most feminine of girls, as heterosexually inclined as my friend Willie is as a male. They’re both grandparents.

I have a dog. I’ve a practice of the full cross section of society.  I most love and enjoy the long term married parents like my own.  I have friends and patients who have raised family and been the backbone of the society. I most enjoy John these days He epitomizes the masculine, like my dad and my brother but the female representation and the present government and laws denounce these ‘men’.

It’s a GYNOCENTRIC society Canada.   Nothing speaks more to this attack than the very term ‘TOXIC MASCULINITY’.  

When the women tell me what they want in a partner they are essentially saying that they want a woman in a male body, a kind of ken doll who ill aggress with them.  

I’ve been persecuted by police doctor women repeatedly for being a man.  

I married three women and I was blamed for the divorce in all cases. The man always is.  The courts give the children to the woman.  

I work with soldiers and they’re collectively condemned.  The society epitomized it’s gynocentrism by electing the two pussies Trudeau and Singh.  Women seem to be collectively incapable of admitting fault to men and apologizing. It’s all the Frankfurt school and Marxist communism.

So I don’t know,

I’ m wearing a dress. The attraction to the feminine was the weariness of watching the passive aggressive and covert aggressive men and women succeed.  If you can’t beat them and their lies are loved then join them. 

I sometimes feel I’m hiding in women’s clothing. A camouflage.  I sometimes feel I ‘ll cut my own balls off just leave me alone.  Women have invaded and pissed on every men’s club. My ex wife used to barge in and join male doctors talking together. She had no boundaries straight and like so many women believe that ‘gender’ is a ‘station of status’.  

Every year women insist that they should celebrate ‘father’s day’ because the courts have given them the children.

Yet decades back I found the ‘dead beat dad’s collectively’ would aggress to giving money to their children but collectively objected to their money going to coke and parties and other men.

All these injustices have been ignored by the Gynocentriv media and now I’m old and white and male and I’m supposed to fall on my sword. All around I see the evidence of the hard work of men with their deaths and diseases. Meanwhile when women do the same jobs they die young too.  Women have long painted nails and are too lazy to even get ‘on top’ in sex.  I laughed so hard when a female comedian joked about the ‘work’ of sex and how women shouln’t be so lazy.  

Now the elite have won. By dividing and conquering the family turning the weak women against the beleaguered men they were able to take more and more. 

Women divided into two groups, girls and women. The women had children and I admired their work and knew they act of having children and raising children was sacrosanct but increasingly women were not having children yet demanding all the rights and privileges that women with children had. 

I watched the gay community and even the transexuals take advantage of a society based on family and care for the young being dismantled by narcissism.

It’s all there.

It doesn’t help me that I love Laura. I’ve loved my wife’s but at some point in the past the cost got too high and I feared for my life, My ex wife in the end on cocaine and trying to kill me was given a pass and I was ‘blamed’ for her lifelong insaniety. Her uncle , the minister of health, and a psychiatrist had called her mother certifiable and she’d literally killed her husband directly or indirectly persecuting him in his old age, an academic given a boxer thug as a room mate in the asylum at the mother’s request and I had to intervene to her wrath. I had three mother in laws. The first told me for my sake to not marry her daughter who she said was marrying me to escape from her mother. The second was a sovio[path and hysterics, the husband a raging alcoholic , like a Bill Wilson family without the ‘recovery’ the daughter, adult children of alcoholics untreated.  I used to call her the mother in law from hell.  That wife was she ‘princess’.  The classic case of a good doctor and ‘FINE ». ‘Fucked inside nice exterior’.  I was the ‘wife’ and the husband working two jobs and doing two residencies and she was constantly dissatisfied and competing with her sisters and girlfriends . I was dying.  I gave up surgery and being a country gp to live in the city and became a psychiatrist and she loathed psychiatry and psychiatrists.  I performed years of cunnilingus only to be told ‘women don’t like that’.  She was a prude and arrogant and judgemental demeaning bitch in the home. Her mother was the same insisting men should be thankful to talk to her as she was a ‘beautiful women’ . They were that on the outside but at home I was drinking and on holidays smoking dope with the ‘princess’ who blamed everything on me. She was an outspoken feminist and hated that I liked to camp and hunt and was only happy in a fine restaurant being served or in the most expensive hotel.  She was my brush with the Kardasian in the home. She had begun being a girl who was so much fun and we had such a great time in medical school but when she graduated and we went on. That’s when it changed. I was a year ahead and helped her all along with her studies . I was the orgre who insisted we go to the library. Her sister in medicine has a friend who was the study hard sort too. My wife as complaining and blaming me for being like my friend Glenn who had his nose to stone. Their medical school class was known as the party sort while mine was the top for study and academia.  I had no thought that we wouldn’t live forever together but when we had the house and the careers and the specialties and there was no children and I was told that the house we had wasn’t good enough because her sister and friend had bought bigger houses and I was told women ‘don’t like fellatio’ collectively and grew weary of ‘the royal we’ when I was working with all sorts of women ‘those women in psychiatrist aren’t the right class of wojen’.  Meanwhile her family was as crazy as anyone l

Of course my female psychiatrist colleague married to a drug dealer came into our world at my invitation.  Her sister married a Christian and had a support system. I meanwhile had the range of intellectuals and artists and editors and loved my old theatre crowd .

I was raped then.  I was sexually abused drunk and stoned by my professor. I had committed and lost so much leaving community medicine and going into psychiatry and now I was again being fucked. I’d been raped on drugs and alcohol when I was with the band.

A man without a woman is no man, I went without sex in relationships as much if not more in marriage.  I married these women who would act like it was good to have a boyfriend or husband but ‘sex’ wasn’t ‘necessary’.  Meanwhile I knew all these women having sex daily and weekly and I’d be masturbating in marriage. I’d be masturbating in relationships because it was ‘clear by their actions’ they’d rather be taking shopping that to fuck.  

Then I said one day that maybe I’m bisexual.  I ‘d had so many girlfriends and done two 10 year stretches of marriage and literally put up with so much shit.

Men are not allowed to complain about women,  That’s called misogynist. I find all the men who have had sisters know.  I’ve never had a sister . I put women on pedestals.  

Now psychologically I can see that I’m writing from a negative place and self pity.  I see the past according to CBT as a product of my thoughts and mood. My mind is a defence lawyer ‘making a case’.

I can make an ‘equal’ case for my ex wives being saints and genius. It’s called ‘psychological mindedness’.  I can see my own behaviour equally negatively. I can make a case for men and against men.

‘

I’m transgender today. I know that the ‘drag queen’ ‘mocks’ women.  There’s a lot of ‘anger’ in the drag queen and the ‘bearded ladies’.  By contrast ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’.  I’ve certainly admired and loved women

But there is an element of ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ in my world. I’ve found too that the whole LGBT world is ‘misfits’. . They are the rejected often.

I’m just not an ‘insider’.  I’ve a particular skill and capacity as a healer. I’m the classic wounded saint. I’m the Shaman. I’m now just reducing myself to using a bit of my self to be paid because when I gave my whole to healing and had the greatest results I was told by the Police Doctors that we couldn’t have any ‘complaints’.  This new idea of the beaurocrat as god and everyone must act like lawyer administrator - the new ‘God’ or else one is ‘unprofessional’ is frankly evil. ARENDT wrote about the BANALITY of that metaphor. Yet that’s the new standard.  My friend safely treats baldness.  He once was a great all round doctor and healer.  They are happy if I hand out pills.  I’m not supposed to help people self actualize, find meaning and purpose in their lives, question existence.  The metaphor that the POLICE Doctors use is that the world is Consumerism. And the status quo is correct.  Money is god, 

The key thing about being ‘female’ in the social context is the ‘receptivity’.  Active and passive.  It’s the deal with introverts and extroverts.  I have spent so much time alone . Covid was a lesson in that but before that I’d been a solo sailor. I hunted and fished alone.

I have all these skills and just generallly don’t want to face all the ‘politics ‘ and ‘resistances’ .  I did so much ‘organizing’ younger and volunteered so much. I’ve been doing so much organization in my work.  Running a half million dollar a year business and employing so many people younger I just remember the criticism of the capitalist.  

I’ve always worked the equivalent of 3 jobs until recently. I’ve been reading a lot of beach books, doing my nails, chatting. I used to think girls called this ‘work’.

I have a friend who has no idea about ‘billable’ hours.  

I had a lot of opportunity. I was offered millions of dollars a year jobs. I could focus on the legal work. I could run asylums. I could go in those directions but instead I focussed on the individual and treatment of the individual.  I’ve been part of a lose ‘team’.  Increasingly this is the government administration work by ‘committee’.  Committee medicine where the ‘administrator’ takes the glory.  

I’ve just seen myself as ‘a channel’. God is dead Neitze said and CS Lewis said we’d see the consequences for generations so we’re seeing that now.  It’s the who death ‘truth’ .

My wives lied incessantly.  Most women I’ve known are consummate liars. I just learned from a Marxist this is justified because they are ‘victin’.  So it’’s a war and the ‘victim’ doesn’t have to be truthful.  I remember her saying ‘ my truth’.  All the leftist political agenda the last few years has been so consistent with the communist godless position.  

I didn’t feel good just making money especially when abortions paid the most and was the easiest of work. I was touched by the Buddhist 8 fold path and the idea of ‘right livelihood’ .

As a Christian I felt I should follow Christ’s command. If i wrote an autobiography of my work as a doctor I’d call it ‘greatest need’.  I went to work where the ‘greatest need’ was and now know that the very ‘idea” of “need’ is suspect.  I definitely served the ‘marginal’ and the abused. I worked in the north where they vouldn’t get doctors to go and in all these other places where there was the greatest danger, poorest conditions and least paid. Becoming a psychiatrist was tied to that Christian principle.  I saw that the mentally ill and later the addicted were the least serviced. We all knew that the richest were the Cosmetic Surgeon and the doctors to the ‘worried well’ and the wealthiest.  You just needed to smooze, I certainly did that but ultimately was tagged with the line’ Dr hay doesn’t tolerate fools well unless they’re his patients’.  I knew the greatest leaders in the university like DR Naimark and Hildes and el Guebaly. . They were oriented to excellence and meritocracy. The latest government doctors like the administrator for the WHO are n’t oriented to the ‘best’ but rather want status and money.

I like writing gratitude lists because they give my head a shake.

I’ve got so much, I just talked to my lovely neighbour. There was I was in a dress and he was dressed as a man and his wife and he are friends.  They don’t care what Klinger type costume I appear in.  Even at the clinic the women ddon’t care.  

I have cross dressed on and off over the years.  My first major role in a play as lead was playing a Queen in an English Farce.  What a tale my life is.  Being a dancer was highly criticized.  I have longed for the ‘in’ crowd experience of being the football player with the vheerleader wife and the law degree and the love of money and status.  I tried that. I remember Kirk and I discussing being ‘in’ and going for it as a ‘game’. We succeeded but were bored and felt everyone was a afraid. Lives of quiet desperation. Fatuous.  

I like the people I know in AA.  They call it the last club on the block.  

I miss church today.  I have a lesbian priest who was a mother and admire her but miss the miss Peter Elliott and the chancellor of Regent. Dr. Houston. I loved Willie Gutowski and Phillip Ney.  They were Christians I could admire. Like my friends George and John who I miss dearly. I realized talking with Anna that they were all ‘parents’, like my brother.l

I’m not a father. I’m different.

The alcoholic mind is always searching for terminal uniqueness. 

I like the company of the ‘parents’,  I find the ‘individuals’ a thorny bunch. I see so many in work, personality disorders.  Ego and pride.  I was less impressed with the academics that once appealed to me like the intellectuals because they’d avoided the heavy lifting. I like AA because there are so many people who have been in the depth of the fight and come back.  I don’t trust the blamers and shamers and all the light lifters.

I’m old and fearful. Seeing the decline and destruction of the health care system ravaged by avarice and cronyism I’m fearful for the future.

I’ve no desire to be asexual. The option of the church is to become a celibate monk.  I still ‘sing the body electric’ and old don’t have to deal with all those female dominated laden issues of sexuality.  I read the ‘ethical slut’ and see that women view sex as linked ‘sex and money’, ‘sex and status’ , sex and love’.  I see the criminals in my prcvtice, psychopaths and pimps all served by sex.  The greatest sexual awards go to the psychopaths.  Meanwhile I have had a great run.  I’ve been blessed with love and sex and frankly have no right to complain. I’ve been blessed.

My wive’s were the most beautiful in the world. The reason I married each was because she was gorgeous, brilliant and sexy and funny and the best of all.  My problem is maintenance.  

Also my wives wanted to stay with their mother, in Shaughnassey , at home. Safe. Whatever. I wanted to explore and travel and learn and saw life as an adventure. I still do.

I liked black like me.

I find that dressed as a woman each exchange is ‘novel’.  I could go about as a clown and have the same experience. I am a successful man whose been good looking and dangerous with respect from other men and women not just by the status but by experience.  I’ve won so many battles.  I’ve faced so many bullies and survived,

But when I dress as a woman I’m an outcast, a leper, an ugly old girl. I get all the discrimination I used to give to the gay people. I’m the ‘sissy slut’, the ‘faggot’ and realize I used to discriminate this way. I am living my amends with my own discrimination against the ‘non family man’.  The non binary. I had all those.  

My girlfriends have maligned me as a ‘hunter’ and don’t like ‘wild game’. They prefer processed Macdonalds food .  I am constantly belittled in the city and miss the northern and country folk who like me loved food untouched by dirty hands. I loved eating dear I shot , butchered, and prepared.  It’s an ‘idea’.  It’s a ‘love’.  It’s a taste for ‘god’.  It’s godly as the fish my father , brother and I cooked on the beach by the lake, like the tuna Tom and I barbecued dancing at sea hundreds of miles offshore.  

The judgmental disdain is never noted by the ones with attitude.  I am hypersensitive. I am like “o” blood.  Even my ex wife noted that if someone ‘botherted’ me it was like that most would be too. I work and am with everyone in soccviety, all the fringe, rich and poor and people at their worst. I walk into their nightmare and join them and calm them. I’ve worked in jails and aslylums, with pedophiles and murderers.  

I’ve given up, I’ll eat Macdonalds burgers.  I’m a chef and grew my own vegetables and selected my own foods and raised my own vhickens and yet I once cut a turkey wrong despite having raised and butchered my own turkeys. I made wine and beer and was raised by a mother who raised her vegetable and dad who shot his meat and grandad who ranched his cattle.

My dog is picky. He rejects ‘treats’. .  Wants to share my steaks and barbecued chickens. I give up.   

I just threw money at women. They were always depressed and moody and I just find people so emotionally loud.  It’s all day working with people screaming running fingernails down the chalkboard. They are telling me always how nothing has worked , how bad life is, how my treatment hasn’t helped them, how no one has, how their doctors are no good.

I’m the very last doctor on the block. I’m the complaints department of the medical professional. I’m the wastebasket. And the POLICE DOCTOR in her and his arroganee and ignorance wouldn’t last a week or a year in the DTES alone. They wouldn’t survive on a wet reserve. They’re high rise office doctors protected from my patients who have pulled guns and held me hostage and lied and have murdered.

The COLLEGE of PHYSICIANS and SURGEONS of BC believes lying psychopath females over good men.  The long necked women and their boys are the criminal friends of the authorities who have a fringe following that they use as Marxists and Nazis did to destroy the traditional.  

At least Jordan Peterson has raised the issues that women in the workplace may be a failure.  The Johnny versus AMber court vase at least addressed the lying false allegations of the sexual industry .  The courts made a killing off the ‘you’re fucked over ‘ or ‘fucked’ or ‘not fucked’.  The Supreme Court and Trudeau senior said the State has no place in the bedroom of the populace so it stopped being an issue of parliament and democracy and common sense but instead became an issue of the corrupt courts,.  Children were bought and sold by the lawyers in the family courts. All manner of perversion happened in the Leonard cohen like song ‘there is a war’ and everyone denied it. But today men are afraid and should be.  

I don’t like being around children They’ve been used for decades against men by women and the courts. 

I’m afraid of women .  It cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars to fire a crack addicted ex prostitute and theif when she had targeted my practice and claimed I ‘sexually harassed her. “. I fired her for doing crack in the office. The College of Physivians and Surgeons attacked me on her behalf.  The woman at the college was a disgusting pervert flouncing about and coming on to me. 

It’s an old issue. Women ‘show’ and men’ talk’ .  So the whole industry of the sex in the courts was anti male.  All the research shows that it. Was a Marxist ‘Women against men’ attack .  One sided. All ‘he said’ ‘she said’ claims give the courts power and take power from the community.  

Now saying ‘some women lie and cheat’ gets me labeled ‘the enemy’.  It’s ‘either you’re all for them or against them’ polarity. It came out with the Roe Versus Wade judgement overtures recently.  All men are bad. All women are good,.  The courts and parliament aren’t about justice. They’re about money and protect Epstein.  

I’m loving Dylan’s song “ain’t going to work on Maggie’s farm no more’. 

Man is the nigger of the world.

Now of course I know that wome and men have it bad. I just think it’s equal and that I’ve always said Eva Braun was as bad as Hitler.  That’s where I differ.  I be3liee evil is in the family unit the married unit not the ‘one man’.  Hillary and Bill Cliniton were an evil and good unit.  Sophie and Justin and Maggie Trudeau are all the bad people.  Stalin’s wife killed herself.  The mothers of the greatest tyrants were psychopaths. Where’s the treatise on Hitler’s mother.  Where the satire.

Behind every good man was a good woman. Behind every bad man was a bad woman.

Now we have the Jew card, black card, the aboriginal card, the woman card, the gay card, the Moslen cards the abused card and everyone is unique and has a card for an abused card and yet we can’t generalize.  I’m an old man who wears a dress.  I want a card. I’ve been victimized and persecuted all my life.  I’m Klinger.  

See the self pity.  Poor me.  Obviously Trudeau and Bill Clinton and Adolf all like Harper and Trump and Einstein came home and complained that no open appreciated them.

Bill gates wife left him. Richest man in the west and he can’t keep his wife happy. Putin’s girlfriend is kept in the west because the east isn’t good or safe enough to for her.  Xi Jinping and Kim are homosexual lovers who prefer bestiality. It’s all above my pay grade.

Insane.  

My mind is a tv with a channel changer.  

I like to put it on the God Channel.  

It’s all nonsense and absurdity.  It’s vanity.  All this life is maya.  I an struggling spiritually to be in this day.  Being in the present,  Yesterday is a construct and gone. Tomorrow is yet to come. I’m a kazoo in the symphony of life, a voice over on the comic strip of my existence.  Free will and determinism are all part of the multiverse. I’m responsible and accountable.  

I m enjoying this day sitting out in my back yard with the dog and this ipad and picnic table

Babbling nonsense. Free associateing. Squeezing the pus out of my mind. Knowing that the negatives in life were the manure for the roses in life.  I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dre3ams.  Life’s been so difficult I seriously considered suicide. I’ve escaped marriages to insane people who wouldn’t get help and wanted to kill us as their solution to a life of angst and anger.  

Now I talk to God because Buber was right . There’s only me and me and God.  The multifaceted reality is God. It’s Me and IT or Me and Thou.  I believe God is good all the time.  I believe God will care fore me. I believe in Jesus.  I know the Jewish and Muslim guys have problems wearing dresses but Jesus never spoke about sex and gender. As the great kahunna said ,”Jesus had nothing to say about women in business suits’.

Women have been wearing pants suits for decades and no one has spoken out about that in the church because women are dangerous. The church is dominated by angry women and mothers and grandmothers are the most passive aggressive. Women use men as a tool, their violence is proxy violence. The Jewish mother want the Roman emperor killed for hurting her children destroying her temple. The feuds are visceral and sexual.  Angelina Jolie played the best Augustine mother. Cleopatra was brilliant History is written to appease the female and blame the man.  Marxism.  

Marxism is also paranoid schizophrenia. 

I’m not a woman, I’m non binary , a trans woman some might say.  I like Laura the best but she’s not here.  I might well have identification with the aggressor because I’m told especially about the POLICE Doctors that “rape is inevitable….best to lie back anf enjoy it.’  I think that men go to prostitutes and escorts today for ‘blow job’s because they’re ‘easy’,  Sex is work.  Men hall have back pains , the metaphor of Atlas.  The here to for unknown degree of ED is finally shown by the massive profits in viagra.  

Like monkeys men and women are into anal sex while the story of the aboriginals mocking the modern doctor examining the pregnant woman saying ‘he doesn’t even know which hole’.  Wrong hole.  Wrong hole jokes from childhood come to mind.  Conventions and tradition. 

70 churches were burnt to the ground last year with nothing being done against the anti Christian movement celebrated by the government doing nothing. If one synagogue or mosque had been burnt to the ground the government would have called martial law like it did when middle classs working Canadians had a peaceful demonstrations.  Even my family don’t understand the tyranny and depth of evil of the PM, a man who should be in jail along with his family for the depth of greed , deceit and corruption and theft that he’s done this last decade.

Carpe diem . ODAT. Thanks for the adventure.

I like journaling.  In psychiatry we taught ‘free association’. . What one thinks is not what one wants or does. The idea that ‘still waters run deep’ is untrue. Equally ‘still waters run stagnant’.  

I’m going to go inside now and read another book. I might change from a sun dress into sweaters.  I miss the theatre.  I loved the world of dance and theatre because it wasn’t pretentious like the world of Politics and Medicine.  I liked the world when the POLICE Doctors didn’t back lying crack addicted poeople I liked when the Police Doctors we3ren’t corru[t and didn’t abuse their power.  A man threatened to kill me and my dog and I was criticized and lost thousands of dollars for refusing to see him. I was bullied to see a dangerous psychopath on crystal meth by the Police Doctors.  I’m alive.  But when a man and his pit bull attavked me on the street by the clinic the police did nothing and I was seen as anti aboriginal because I said he was ‘aboriginal’.  All these ‘cards’. If you criticize a psychopath Jew, you’re anti septic, If you criticize a psychopathic black you’re racist. But every one generalizes against men and the old and Christians and white people. E#very day on the ne3ws I see this.  Weaponized language and Marxists 4th column.

Oh well.  It’s all God in some way.

I ask what does God want of me.  What is this dance.  God is the prime mover. I’m the Bride of Christ.  Mother and Son.  It’s all metaphors and mind over matter. All digital.

Love is Good.