Journalling at Journey Jeep, Coquitlam

I’m here with Madigan waiting for service to change out a transmission part that was recalled . The transmission light came on my dashboard and I brought it in.  They ordered the part and I’m back again. Service has a 15 year old cocke spanielr female who Madigan said hello to.  He speaks Poodle, spaniel and selective English.  The good news is they say it will only take 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  I told Laura and she’s off for her hair apt on Oak.

I feel more settled in June than May.  I think it’s a seasonal thing given that 29 years ago I stopped smoking and drinking.  I’d read the “cloud of unknowing’ back then to,  So my inner world and outer world were not in alignment.  Major shift back to the spiritual .  I’m understanding women after a few marriages.  Family has been so important to these women while I am close to family but not do interconnected. Indeed as a man I’ve been rather loosely connected social.  I’ve been more focused on my ‘mission’ and ‘task oriented’ while they have been people focused .  

The key factor in my life was the lack of children. I married professionals who didn’t have children and later I did that sperm test to find I was functional but had picked women who weren’t after the first one.  It could just be and lack of ‘compatibility’ but I married for family wanting to follow in my family footsteps but being supportive of the ‘feminist’ movement. Now I know that the ‘meritocracy’ of the women’s movement was hijaccked by the Marxist anti male contingents.  So the Christian home I came from was lost in the aetheism and later in the appearances. Yet here I was once the president of the amalgamated youth groups, years studying Christianity and spirituality, meditation and following God into medicine. I was guided by Dr. Ridd and Dr. White. 

I never understood the motivation of the women. They were becoming doctors to and seemed content to contribute to the profession while I was focused on the core of healing and the relationship with God that took me from family medicine to psychiatry.  Politics and its restrictions had interfered with surgery and private medicine. I studied community medicine and it’s public health isssues also affect by Marx rather than the Christian theology that underlay the whole development of charity and care.  

Marx and the aetheism of communism were like a cancer on the goodness’s I followed. But I was a big fan of empire and governments and Victorian ideals too.  My friend and I said that James Bond had decided out social life along with Captain Kirk.  The influences on youth and purpose are surprising.  Dad would have liked me to be an engineer while his father wanted him to be a farmer and rancher.

I’m so pleased I became a family physician and clinician. On a good day I even am thankful I chose psychiatry though I regret leaving Community Medicine.  

Addiction eventually caught up.  When I married I left the adolescent world of binge and escape but that world returned with each divorce. Maybe even the desire to blatto on wine and pot called me from the mundane.  The devil was conquered by Jesus but he lingers to catch stragglers.  Divorce certainly takes you out of the herd as man whereas the women gather about the divorced female.  Where as I was searching for sensation and the ‘girlfriend’ the women were more mature looking for a ‘vehicle’ for their life.  One actually admitted they want a replacement daddy while I was looking for portable sex. I was on a journey and saw the woman like a thermos of beer. I’m not saying my little head was sophisticated.  The theology and philosophy and all the cutting edge science had to contend with an adolescent caveman.  Hormones and such 

I really have been seeking freedom and loved the Bird on a wire song by Cohen.  I’d begun reading cohen in high school and so many of his songs describes the sights and journey.  Gordon Lightfoot, the Beatles, Travelling Wilbury’s all had their meaning.

Looking back I was working and living medicine and psychiatry in hospitals and clinic. Then I was in AA meetings and back at church.  I listen now to shows and songs that came out of 90’s and 2000’s and I’m disconnected from that world. I sobered up after the homesteading when I was still part of a community when I was back in Vancouver with a ship and a wife who never wanted to leave her family home and an earlier time. We were both rebuilding lived.  She was skiing and I was outfitting an offshore sailing boat.  On a good day i saw us sailing around the world working as clinicians in health care and on a bad day having a way to survive the doomzooming of the climate change cult and the corrupt aetheist death cult government.  I’d really liked thee homestead and clinic and raising chickens.  There was no status for me in this city village after living in London and San Francisco.  Canada was wilderness not sophistication. Vancouver wasn’t even Toronto or Winnipeg though it was a wannabe.

Sober I travelled and pilgrimaged seeking closer contact with God striving to do the next right thing and after a year of strict celibacy retuning to intimate relationships but now with a bisexuality and an unwillingness to seek children and family despite the hope of church friends. The church was family. But I was now associated with the DINK - dual income no kids group and prayed and sailed and hiked and camped and hunted and fished.  

Looking back I’ve had a most interesting life, and I’ve always done ‘service’.  In my work and at home and in my volunteer service with AA and Church.  I romanticize the hippy era with ‘free sex’ and wine and pot. We say that’s alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and it presents as desire. The ‘sins’ are ‘missing the mark’.

I’m big on pride despite my daily whack a mole experience. I play peek a boo with Jesus and wonder what to do as I’m waiting for the Messiah.  I’ve money in the bank and am in dept for my motorhome but remember my mom saying she liked me in debt because she knew I’d be working to pay it off whereas when I was flush she didn’t know what I’d be doing next.  I don’t know.

Today I get asked if I plan to retire. There’s such a shortage of clinicians that the question is the concern of the person that they will be without a service. The question might go to the shoemaker or hairdresser or grocer.  My retiring would disrupt a thousand perhaps.  I have no desire to retire.  I like my life right now and remember the dream in La Paz that I’d work from my boat in different harbour.  Now I’ve sailed across an ocean and down a continent but have sold the boat and have a land barge , the Thor motorhome with a dinghy tow hitch form my Jeep.  I work virtual with Starlink and Cellphone and MacBook Pro and IPad connecting virtually to make consultations diagnosis and prescribe medications.  I contribute.  I’m part of a ‘team’  and the government increasingly communist calls us ‘workers’.  Marxist Neo medievalism has restored the manager and peasant killing the king but also now destroys the middle class, the professionals and trades as the rapacious greedy managers and peasant suck the life out of the society built by the trinity not the binary.  Society is more stupid.

And I study Christian trinity, father , son and Holy Spirit and think the Holy Spirit is a feminine. We are all female before the prime mover God but there was that time when there was a female god and another time of God the father and the mother.  I’m seeking God within and believe the mystical spiritual relationship with God is possible.  Each day I have one day at a time and practice Brother Lawrence’s Presence of God. I visit holy sites, Jerusalem, Bethlemehn, Rome, Ethiopia, Paris, Dublin, Galway, Edinburgh and Aberdeen.

I think of a sex change. I imagine it would be an adventure to experience the world as a trans woman.  Like black like me.  I’ve expanded my awarenesss of gender in the company of the LGBT world not able to relive my own life through the lives of my children and the connections to the future.

So much is decided by the children.  Parents meaning and being are defined by their futures.

I’ve a dog and live to some degree because of him.  Parents especially mothers are least like to kill themselves I’d not kill myself because of my dog My dog needs me.

Meanwhile the aetheist governments , communism the religions of aetheism lie about ‘scaricity’ and promoted MAID and euthanasia to add to Malthus.  Of course space travel solves the problem just as the opening of North and South American solved the problem when Europe thought they were ‘overpopulated’.  The poverty in the world is a product of incompetent management but then it’s said we get the government we deserve.  Here it’s like living an empisode of invasion of the body snatcher with our Ottawa low brows being Luddite’s and lyabout science . I loved the book Radival Abundance and love being another godly who are optimistic about life and life after death.  I just listened to Live for Today,

I don;t know what I’ll do when I grow up.  I watch detective showss and westerns on tv and read westerns when I’m not reading biology, theology and genetics.  I put in a day of work and pay the rent and teases to support a village disgusted to learn how the political thieves are stealing.  I’m following law and order nad didn’t like seeing the psychopathies and sociopaths working in the jails.  But I know the doctors and judges and most politicians and beaurocratic were well intended. 

Wars continue.  Islam is attacking Christianity in the Sudan.  The communist aetheists continue to genocied the Buddhists of Tibet .  Love and war. 

I really do believe mother’s tell their children to button down the hatched when they drive their space ships past earth.  

Look, they kill God

I’m struggling with loving the spiritual as opposed to to loveing the material.  Everything in moderation ,  Obesity reigns among those who judge the fit who have sex.  The girls work out in the gym and the men follow avarice.  It’s all rather primitive.  

But I’m not immune to the absurd, 

These are the result of the feminization photo feature on Grok. I like the face lift as part of the feminization.  I think the younger version is better than the turkey neck.  I don’t want to act my age or fight a war I liked when we said ‘make love not war’.  Aging is not for the young.  I liked my gorgeous friend saying at 40 she was chequng out a 20 yo when she realized she was being ignored and imaged him seeing her as a corpse.  Ageism is much more ubiquitous now in Canada than racism or any of the other popular ‘isms’.  I’ve had little need for the health care systm but here I am obviously in need of major cosmetic surgery and I’m probably too old for it anyways.  I’m thankful I’ had my hair colored and that I have hair.  My friend had taken to shaving off whatever he has left. I’m due for a chiropractic treatment this weekend because my back hurts mostly because I’m over weaight and need ozempic an lipo suctioning. I’m thinking of fasting. I used to fast for days and weeks.  I meet a bass player who fasted and ask him if he was doing it to assist his meditation and spiritual development, He said no “I’m between gigs and poor and find I can get higher on pot when I’m fasting’.  

George is giving me my 29 year cake in a couple of weeks if I don’t get drunk and leave for LA to be a pole dancer.  My friend is singing again and plans to do her retirement doing jazz and country. My other friend is reciting poetry. They’re the women I know .  I find I like the girls play better than the men play at my age.  I don’t want to watch sports and chug beer though I like my male friend who arr in the library researching or building little houses , Mostly those guys are thinking of their sons and daughters. The single guys are planning trips to Sturges or going fishing.  

I’m thinking of going for lunch wearing a skort.  I like the material compared to the rough canvass though I could have lived forever in the tropics without only my sailing shorts or sarong. Winter clothes in Canada are heavy.  I’m liking the summer.  I miss the nudist beaches of younger years.  I tired of scuba diving because I didn’t like all the gear. I’m liking ‘light’.  I’m letting go of the heavy.  I don’t want negativity and the media is full of it. Must men always be so pompous.  I fear I’m pedantic.  I really need to lose weight if I want to go to any beach given the weight of my vanity.

Thank you God for this day and this life. Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and love.