I finally fought his exuberance, jumping up on down on me, because it appears I’m getting up,. Toilet. Dress. Put on his rain coat and leash. Put on my rain coat and take umbrella. The neighbour was going out with his umbrella as I was. He continued to the car lot. I dumped the garbage. Walked to the river walk. Rain so heavy Madigan didn’t want to continue. I realized I had nothing better to do and need exercise. I’ve girth. We walked to the generator, ‘the long walk’. Maybe a half hour to 3/4 hours, there and back
Madigan was so happy to be home. He sits on the stairs and waits for me to take off his leash and raincoat. The reward is his getting towelled off. He loves that then he’s mad dog running back and forth and hide speed rubbing his head in the carpet, jumping up and down off bed and couch. A really big tado!
I usually meditate cross legged on the floor followed by stretches and sit ups. After a rainy walk I’ve taken to getting out a chair to meditate on . Madigan is all over me with his little wet body and zooming if I try to sit cross legging on the floor. Even on a chair I couldn’t focus because he kept zooming about the room.
I need a coffee I thought.
I love coffee.
I’ve had a couple of cups of coffee and phoned some patients who had concerns. One was in. The most demanding was not in. I’ve phoned her everyday . I even gave her my home number but she lost it. Instead she phones the clinic demanding a controlled medication while she admits to doing drugs regularly. She wants the pharmacist to be able to just dispense it. I want to talk to her before I do. She seems to avoid me. She’s been couch surfing. I continue to try to do what is right but feel I have not back up..
Self serving and self pity. - I read these words this week. I’ve been fighting the self pity. Self serving is a different matter. I’ve had a life of service and duty and discipline. Now I’m looking forward to vacations. I am of retirement age. I have nothing a whole lot better to do. It’s the obsession these days, I’d planned to sail in the Atlantic but my back pain worries me. I’m not afraid of the sailing as much as having an accident that would result in a costly repair. Solo sailing is fine at sea but docking can be a real trial. I’m also enjoying my comforts. I’ve has such a harsh life sailing and northern work and hunting. I reflect on all those who live in townhouses and rent and have lease services and and cleaning services and got to resorts. I’ve done a little of that but when I think back I’ve done a whole lot of heavy lifting in my life, It’s okay to back off.
I had the idea that I’d drive around the US for 3 months. I considered going au femme. A variation of black like me that would change the social dynamics. I like that au femme no one turns to me for help. I’m isolated and yet au drab I enjoy the male comraderie. It’s a social experiment. Then I wonder if it’s working out my sexual abuse and /or sexual addiction, Gender and sex.
It’s so tied to being falsely accused and having the authorities back the lying greedy psychopaths with long histories of disgusting perversions and addiction and malingering and condemning castrating, humiliating and punishing me. $50,000 cost for lies The liars are dead now but the Nuremberg authoritiss go unpunished. Then I think it’s my job to ‘let go and let god’. The anxiety of being male is reduced wearing a skirt. I’m eccentric. I’m not a target as an old lady. Old men especially old white men are vulnerable and targets of first order. I watched my friends be financially raped and ridiculed in old age. I remember when my father was targeted in old age and my mother asked my help, if I his son, hadn’t been able to confront his false accuser, no one would have, A drunk he’d fired for stealing on the worksite and being drunk and doing drugs was placed in the public housing part of the housing my parents paid to be in. This sociopath took over the recreation centre and spread lies about my father saying he’d never worked as an engineer or foreman of construction and all manner of outrageous false hood. It made it tense for dad to go into the common coffee area because this belligerent bully literally lived there. It was funny too because Dad would doubt my acomnplisments like when I said I shot a moose charging me and he did his ‘eye rolling’ and ‘sure bill’. Mom and he would say they didn’t want me to be ‘too big for my britches’ but also called any story I told ‘bragging’ so I shut up. I did publicly confront dad’s bully and loudly list my father’s very impressive credentials for all in the recreation centre to hear, explained my position and credentials and asks the little shit what had he done in his life that gave him the right to judge and criticize . Naturally I told him that if I heard any more of his criticizing my father since I knew him for a drunk and liar and bully I’d be back personally to sort him out. Mom thanked me and Dad no longer felt he had to stay in the suite and could again participate in the common area and go for coffee without being braced by this sociopath. Dad didn’t thank me but my brother who is not one for confrontations told me Dad was thankful.
My father in law was billetted hospital with a demented old boxer who beat him up each night. The wife, an insane harangan wouldn’t let the nurses change his room. His daughter was afraid of the mother who said he deserved this because paranoid and psychotic she believed he’d had an affair on her and vowed for years to make his life utter hell which she did, She hated me when I step in and separated him getting him a room of his own where he wouldn’t be nightly tormented.
Now, no children, and the collection of enemies one gets from doing the right thing, the Christian thing, the moral thing, no good deed goes undefended. A life of fighting authorities on behalf of the vulnerable, aboriginals, veterans, women, the mentally ill, traumatized, old and the addicted. Now I’m afraid no one will protect me. I’m looking forward to death, rainbow bridge, seeing my mother and father and family and friends and mentors again, It’s the dying that scares me. Torture by Beurocratic meetings.
I can’t stand even hearing Trudeau’s voice or seeing his face. He’s so irritating. He represents everything I’ve loathed in life, the incompetent, ignorant, pontificating , hypocritical, wastrel, pompous, arrogant and evil party boy. I didn’t like them in school. The popular boy in the popular group went on to be caught as a serial rapist but his family hushed the news. Like the pedophile judge in BC. The news for a day while an invalid doctor was publicly pilloried by false accusations for a year. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m like Peter who didn’t admit to authorities that I was his friend and I’d defend him in any means. I did the polite thing. I wrote letters . I was a decent feminized man. If I was a manly man I’d kill the sickos that took advantage of an old old man, I am so ashamed . He was a better man than me, forgiving and spiritual
I have been afraid so much of my life. Being falsely accused. My lying ex wife. The lying psychiatrist pig. The Hitler’s and Lenins.
See the self pity and fear seep in to my mind at the littlest crack. When I’n dressed as a girl I can say ‘girls just want to have fun’.. I can be self serving. It’s okay for women to be self serving, taking care of themselves and their children. They rarely in my experience care for others not blood, Yet that’s a skewed view. I can’t generalizer except against the Marxist lies of Marxist feminism and the propaganda of CBC and the lying liberal government of Canada,
I pray for my enemies. I try to focus on the good. I pray for the ability to forgive everyday I pray for forgiveness , I say over and over again, Let go And let God. I ask for relief of the bondage of self. I know that my personal struggles made me what I am, I know that expectations are preformed resentments. I know that rather than accepting ‘life on life’s terns’ I was idealistic and
In my journal I ‘squeeze the pus from my brain’. This is supposed to leave my mind free for the day,
Then I do gratitude lists. Thank you Lord for the good night of sleep. Thank you lord for breath. Thank you Lord for Madigan. Thank you Lord for the bank. Thank you Lord for work, Thank you Lord for heat but my heating bill doubled last month along with the food bill and gas bill and again Lord I suffered ‘fear of economic uncertainty’. I castatrophize about the future yet today I’m fine. I really need to get my head in the same room as my ass is. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for the rain that waters the plants I so enjoy. Thank you for the river walk. Thank you for my car. Thank you for my clothes and umbrella.
I got a frozen bone for madigan but it wasn’t the right package. Normally the package is full of little knuckle bones but this one had on two bones that are thigh size. My little dog is having a heck of a time with a very big dogs bone. It’s a delight to observe him.
I am thankful Jesus. I’m thankful for your life and sacrifice. I am thankful for the promise of life after death and my experience and intuition that this world I am in is just a waiting room for heaven. I am thankful for so much that is good . I am thankful for family who are truly amazing. I’m thankful for friends though the death of so many wears on me. I fear getting close because the losses have been so severe. I liked the article I read about ‘prolonged’ grief and identified. I miss my brother, my aunt, my mother and father and George and Bernie, and Hank .. I was sorry to see Dick died earlier this year. I loved Dick and Cheryl. I’ve missed the annual gathering of friends. I’m so self centred. I could be apart of but I isolate. I make excuses. I have Madigan and he’s not welcome in so many places and I don’t really care to find out if he’s welcome so avoid. I felt sad when my other dogs and cats died, their short lives and while I maximized our time together I feel when I leave Madigan for a half day it’s like months in dog world. I am planning to be apart from him for weeks and know that it will be so long but when I think I’m doing nothing I’ve raised this puppy this year. I’ve worked of course. I’ve taken care of us an friends and contributed to others lives and I’ve even made the bed. So many others have not lived this long or come back from hell. I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you Lord for all of your gifts. Thanks for Grace. Thanks for connectedness.
Even now the day progresses and I’m caught between wanting to lie back and waste time and the thought of what I ‘should do’. I did some work and book keeping I could clean the place rather than hoping for a cleaning lady. I could take a run to the storage locker. I need to put in the clam for UPS losing my new IPhone, That’s what I’ll do.
So much I could do and yet I feel overwhelmed and just want to lie back and read a history book. or a novel. I should be writing them. I’ve books to complete but no I’m just here so often complaining and whining and snivelling when life is good. Thank you Jesus. Help me be a better person today than I was yesterday. Help me to be of service. Thank You Jesus Christ
God within God will come again. Friend,
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