Counting the minutes to the coming of the Sun

The darkest days.  We used to sacrifice virgins to ensure the return of the sun.  Virgins no longer admit to this.  Who would want to be sacrificed when you can wear dark eye make up red lipstick, slutty clothes and conjure adult poses.  It’s just survivalism.

I’m sun deficient. I’ve my SAD Lite on. Northern Technologies is the Mercedes of lights but Verilux Happy Light is now a contender. What once cost thousand dollars now is less than a $100.  I’m chewing Gummy Vitamin D’s.  

This morning I slept in waiting for a flicker of light. I am so weary of walking the dog in the dark. I slept in a half hour and was thankful that there was at least morning gloom. Grey light appearing beneath the hulking clouds.  

Madigan is always happy.  Loves jumping up and down, on me and on the bed when I begin to crawl from bed.  He squirms with glee when I put on his leash, I’m going through an automatic program, a good habit of efficient dressing, taking keys and flashlight and garbage.

I tell myself to breath as I walk down the icy road.  Breathe!  Breathe!.  The deep droughts of cool fresh sweet air are worth the wakening. Thank you God for deep breaths.  The woods are morning spooky.  I worry a little about hungry predators using these last moments to grab a snack.  I’ve a flashlight and a pen knife.  Sometimes Madigan balks at going on and I turn about not wanting to meet in the near dark what he smells,  He likes to go home, He owns me and the home,

I am using twice the propane to heat as I was last month. With inflation and the punishment of Canadians by our evil traitor thief PM. I’m spending $500 a month or more on heat. I understand my father complaining about doors being left open in winter.  He was working in the night of morning each day going out in the dark and coming home.  Today the costs are so much more exorbitant.  I’m getting by trying to save for a trip to Grandad’s birth place.  I see refugees and immigrants flying back and forth to home and know they’re managing their money more wisely in some ways.  The draw to the past is greater perhaps. When I was younger I flew to Mexico,   Now I want to revisit history , go to museum and cathedrals , places of worship, rather than beaches.

I’m blessed.  The air is so clean.  The smoke toxic air was harsh.  Now I’m thankful for the air. Inside I’m warm.  I am paying the bills,  I”m blessed and grateful. My fears are for the future.  Jesus said Do Not Be Afraid.  All I have is this day.  Carpe Diem!!!

Just for today.

Madigan is chewing on his bone,

I’ve listened to Hale speak of the threat of King Xi Jin Ping and China, the new Nazi/Socialist with their Chinese Auschwitz.  Genocide of the Uyghurs after Genocide of the Tibetans and daily persecutions of Christians.  

I’m thankful for the running hot water. I’ll shower soon.  It’s another blessing. Clean clothes. Then work from home.  A lonely pursuit with discipline.

But my mind is unravelling. I’ve just 2 days till I rest.  My mind is burnt out. I’ve having less pain today. The Barometric pressure has switched. I slept 7 hours.  There is hope.  I’m running on routine. I have little if no reserve.  I sputter like an empty motorcycle when asked to do more.  It takes me hours more to do a days work. So many demands. So little downstream resources.  

I’m blessed to have Madigan. He’s good company.  The puppy stupidity is going but some of the enthusiasm and innoscnce as well.  I look forward to the wise adult dog more useful than work.  He’s a good boy.  I pray to be a better self.  I’m marginal.  I work with some psychopaths , narcissists, malingerers and down right soul suckers.  The vast majority are not But I’m afraid when I’m so weak and vulnerable of these beasts who attack weakness.  In the last day before vacation or weekends they love to attack with threats and impossible demands.  I’ve had so many vacations begun with a psychopaths angry always but choosing that day to attack me because they felt my weakness.  I like all the others. I enjoy all the others. I enjoy even the psychopaths when I am well and can remain firm and help them learn civilized coping mechanisms. It’s hard today with war on the horizon and government marauders.  The despair and depression are palpable .  There’s no ‘wrong thinking’.  The reality is negative. As Freud said , sometimes the paranoids are right. I often don’t know what to say.  Listening.  Day in day out they vent and the worst are those who left the fight years ago and now are cornered in their once safe place.  

I don’t know.

I muddle along.

I’m ready for a break. More than ready.  Everyone is burnt out. I am too. 

I like silences.  

I enjoyed looking at the river this morning,  Right now I enjoy the sound of my dog chewing on his bone,

Next step shower,  

Thank you for this day, Help me today and tomorrow,

Christmas,  I can’t recall a time I liked the Christmas week. So much pressure and demands and I’ve no ‘give’, I’m stretched and feel near breaking. I do what I can, I’m better at that today.  I’ve been without any of the promised resources for a decade. All the promises of the past have been reneged on.  All we have are punishing authorities. Vultures waiting to shoot us in the back if we falter while they mouth platitudes and stay as far a way from sick patients as they possibly can. Cowards.

I don’t what to do next.  I can do this.  It’s just I don’t have the stamina and long for rest reprieve from the constant threat.  

I read Kierkegaard today.  I thought of Waiting for Godoy.

Thank you Jesus for the breath of life,