Harrison’s Hot Spring Resort, March 4, post birthday

Yesterday was my birthday.  The first year of a decade of life completed with celebration.  I am at that age where the years in between each decade now count less. This year is a little one in the world of counting time.  Last year was a big one. Europe with Laura and Arizona and Mexico with Madigan. I enjoyed the work and the people immensely.  

I wrestled with God as Jacob did,  I played hide and seek and peekaboo with Jesus. I accepted each day was a miracle, complete and true.  I followed the idea of I and Thou.  According to Jung all the people were variations of the Shadow of self coming to life.  There is only one.  Jesus comes as a stranger.  Loving the enemy is all about forgiving yourself. 

Now today I’m here again at Harrison’s taking the sacred waters.  I loved sleeping last night beside Laura. The softness of her skin, the feel of her breast, the warmth of her body so blessed.  Madigan, the cockapoo has goat genes. He bounced about the bed and joined in kisses and cuddles.  He ‘s a very enthusiastic dog.  A Nutbar but our nutbar.

I struggled last year with what to do.  I felt some compulsion to decide whether to retire and travel and write or continue to work .  Laura is clear that she is working and her doctor is working and I’m rather content in our relationship.  It’s a known joy like chocolate or ice cream.  I’m happiest in her company.  Domesticated.  Alone I’m feral and a bit crazy.  

The work does that.  Scraping nails on window pane.  The time spent in the presence  of depression and fear.  It’s all the rage to rush in and rush out throwing out  the pills and platitudes in the space between.   That’s lucrative at best but if the other doesn’t agree then their’s euthanasia with a smile and a pat on the back.  

I’m old school.  Before the seduction of boundaries and labels. There but for grace go I. I wrestle with demons though no one understands psychiatric  exorcism anymore or walking a mile in the shoes.  Psychoeducatiion,psychoanalysis and hyponoss are beyond the realm of fast medicine and fast food.  I’m still pleased to see progresss, staying out of hospital, getting a job, marriage, university, laughter. All the old signs of good work. Being part of the process and knowing that without the salt the soup would still taste off.  Jesus says we ware the salt. Buddha made his position clear. Lao Tzu and Krishnamurti weighed in.  I practice the faith.  I cling to hope.  I follow my teachers.  My mentors were the grandest of men and women.  We bring light to darkness easing the burden. 

I didn’t have an avocation just the vocation. . The three legged stool of my life tottered.  My back from burden and betrayal ached so that exercise and work became torture. My sail boat was on land, my rifles rarely out and my motorcycle didn’t spend long on the highway. It was hard to escape the lethargy of pain. I struggled through that dearth of self pity and catastrophizing.  The isolation of covid continued like the waves after a hurricane. The winds died down but now I was paranoid of my neighbour. The constant fear mongering of the mad men of industry got under my skin.  When they said natural immunity didnn’t exist and other such lies like trust the science as if science was something other than doubt and skepticism I was mortified.  The greatest noccebos of all time perpetrated on the world and not once was a psychiatrist cosulted about the insanity of the situation.  

I survived crawling out of that space like the first fish flopping up on land .   I was happiest to see so many others waving back through the shit storms created by the men and women at the top with shit making machines. I loved that analalogy of Joan Baez in an old rolling stone magazine.  I watched the news and wanted a shower after the daily deluge of propaganda.  The war of right and wrong.  Morality and ethics kaleidoscoped..

I even questioned being alive, being a man.. The future didn’t look bright.  The arrogance and pride of all those who succeeded with theft and revolution ‘useful idiots’ smug and arrogant in their temporary gains were painful to be with as they knew no history and loved the Mao’s and Hitler’s of a different name. Wheels within wheels.

 I was too old  and the old were the object of  abuse. The victim dance cards were already all filled up. I became invisible overnight and struggled with identification with the aggressor , the young women screaming ‘toxic masculinity’ but only in the west made safe by the sacrifice of young men.

The young women screamed ‘toxic masuclinity’ and the mothers were afraid of their daughters sacrificing sons, husbands and brothers to the mob. 

Churchill beat Hitler but Eva Braun surely put the boots to Mrs. Churchill while the Kardasians and Trudeau’s cheered.  Ultra chauvinism masked itself in words like Marxist feminism so far removed from women’s liberation, egalitarianism and international feminism.No one messed with China.  They aborted millions of girls while Iran shot mothers in the street.  The absurdity of Canada was captured by Rex Murphy and the soap opera was replaced by female mud wrestling.  How poignant that Elon Musk exposed the lies of the FBI releasing the twitter files confirming all the ‘conspiracy theories’ as true.  Even the insurrection which didn’t seem more than a protest was like the freedom convoy a hyperbole for totalitarianism. But no one agreed as before when Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin and Molotov murdered in the night. There was again silence on the night of the long knives as when the Dalai Lama fled when the Aetheist Communist Chinese attack claiming it was for peace. Misinformation and disinformation

All the colours of the rainbow.  The Seasons changed and I was just another social media addict watching Netflix and Prime in the evening after walking the dog and barbecuing steaks for us to enjoy. Weird times.

What difference would it be if I were retired.  I have no need of memoirs. I could sing of the praise of healings and high light the resilience of the human soul. I could celebrate the love of parents.  I revel in the joys of nephews and so admire my sister in law whose life is so touched by grace. 

 I meet regularly with men and women and study our insights and progress at being better humans.  Several times a week I sit in these gatherings virtual and in person.  Doctors and psychiatrists discuss how they are praying and meditating, handling health issues and family issues, overcoming challenges of politics and business.  I’m comforted to be a part of. So often I feel alone among my fellows while always I feel touched by God..  The wee small voice is there though I’ve even had to wear hearing aids.  The problem is never outside , never beyond the wire, always with me and my tendency to identify with the aggressor or my own choice of Satan versus good , lust versus love , happiness versus joy.  I’m ever asking myself, am I a spiritual being living a material life or a material being living a spiritual life. Obviously I know but I love to step in and out of Maya.  I take temporary pleasure and pay later. There is no free lunch.   The past pulls me back while the future seems daunting.

Yet here I am no longer angry with the inability to choose but accepting of the lack of need for choice.  Life is good.  Continue.  Muddle on. No need for outer change. We doh’t want a revolution.  Camping and simple routines are good enough.  This too will pass. Just do the next right thing and trust in God and the  process.  

It is good to be here at Harrison’s again with Madigan and Laura.  How blessed am I.  I will walk the dog now and pick up breakfast on the way back before planing on enterring the healing waters which balance amniotic fuid , heat, sulphur and time to give this wonderful feeling of pain free existence. I feel young again after taking the waters of Harrison and sitting giving thanks to God and mothers looking out at the mountains my father so enjoyed.  Life is good.  Gratitude is all.  

Thank you for another year and this day.  May I know you more and do your will as I accompany my friends home, looking forward to the great meeting in the sky.

Hallelujah ,I made 71 and then some.