Carpe Diem, ODAAT

Well thank you for waking me up again God. Thank you for the great dreams, the community I was in, the truck I had, the boat I was towing and the bigger sail boat in the marina, I liked my sniper rifle too.  It was good to be in that place, that peninsula , that I regularly dream off.

Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for keeping my little dog safe and well.

This morning what is it that you want from me.

Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself.

That’s the first premise.  Love God. 

I prayed this morning. I meditated and listened to God.

What would God say to me.

Do not be afraid.  Love.  Trust. Have faith.  I am your father /mother and I am protecting you.  I am here with you.  There is only God. All of creation is me. I am the fabric of existence and you are not a prop of that existence but a family member, an actor in this drama of life I co create with you.  Positive attraction produces positive results. What you focus on is what I will reward you with more of.  Focus on higher things, agape rather than lust, altruism rather than greed and narcissism,  Be good.  Listen to your conscience.

Do the best you can in all your endeavours.  

I think of my parents often and realized in retrospect how much good they taught me.

I think of my mentors, sponsors, teachers and how much wisdom they shared.  

I am at an age when I’m reading obituaries of friends and enemies. As enemies I have long forgiven them but then I also feel that Jesus comes as a stranger so that enemies are teachers who I have lost games to or not seen coming or was hurt by but ultimately through my own negligence and lack of discernment.  Recently a man who abused me and took advantage of me and lied insisting that I wanted what he did, gas lighting narcisstic, self centred bully that he was, law breaking, deviant.  Yet if I wasn’t smoking dope and drinking in those days I would have not fallen in with lower companions.  

Thank you today that I am sober.  One day at a time. When I looked back on my life so many of the things I thought of as bad in my life occurred when I was smoking marijuana and drinking wine.  The things I most appreciate in my life occurred when I was straight and sober, There was obviously overlap but by far the good occurred when I was fully present. I am thankful that I stopped smoking and drinking decades ago.  I also look back and see that I had access to the finest Christian gentleman psychiatrist and teacher, Dr. White, but that I was distrustful , raised in church, I thought I knew what he was saying but I didn’t. Years later I understood, only then, what he told me repeatedly. However I chose to go to the dark side attracted by the marijuana and drunkenness.  I made the choice to be with those who drank, always picking women who drank and smoked dope only to say ‘poor me’ later when those relationships failed.  

I have struggled to forgive. I pray for those who have hurt me and now they are dying and I have no excuse or anyone to blame.  I have to look at my own weakness and character defect. This day I want to be the best man I can be. I want to be a better person. I want to reach for the highest star. I want to love and live.

Please God be my lodestar.  Please God be with me and guide me. Thy will not my will be done. Jesus Christ lift up my heart and open my mind to the joy you bring and to the hope and promises that are in every breath I take. 

Thank you God.