The cleaning ladies came at the end of my day. The dog was barking. There were vacuum cleaners and a couple of times voices were raised and I continued to talk and listen to angry sad frightened people, my hearing aids not quite working, the wifi and cell connection not so great. I was thankful that survive. I looked at social media and saw that I was banned as a domestic terrorist psychopath danger to the Zuckerberg kingdom because I told my friend who loved to clean storage lockers that I now intended to kidnap her and lock her in my storage locker till it was cleared and cleaned as I was sure I had three of everything I was buying these days.
Of course I disagreed but then they said I could even write a defence and maybe they would consider it. This is what frightens me. That helpless hopeless feeling before the feet of the dangerous controlling unjust totalitarian authority. The new Canada where the police always side with the dictator. The individual is stripped of their rights and dignity. They are only allowed in the ‘community’ if they accept the language and insaniety of the community. Climate Emergency. Jan. 6 insurrection. Boys are girls and girls are boys. The constructionism. Dirty young men and women suffused with grandiosity and money sitting in little teams and rooms coming up with Cultural Revolutions and 1984 . People who never read history and blame everyone else on the pogroms and massacres without accepting that everything is in balance, connected and karma. The sins of the fathers. These aetheists deny the existence of hell so act like they are alone in this world and Ghengis Khan the universe. Toddlers on crack.
So I was doing okay. The day was going well. Then I was ‘triggered’ the buzz word and back in prison and asylum with my life in the hands of an insane monster above the law. All powerful . Threatening.
I want to live. I want to love.
I read this doctor who said he planned to retire at 80. He’s nearly 70. They’re threatening to take his license. I thought 80 would be good. I stress out about what I’m supposed to do. I don’t feel safe in Canada. I don’t feel safe as Russia and China arm and ally. It’s all like the history of WWII and I wonder where I should position myself. I have endless survivor skills but personally I’m old.
I miss sailing. I miss my sailboat. I miss having it on the ocean. I put it up for sail because it was locked in the Great Lakes and needed to escape to an ocean. I fear Africa and Asian and South America and even Europe more than I fear Canada. I read about where to retire.
I lit a candle last night and put on soft jazz and listened. I’d been listening to Joni Mitchell and Van Morrison. It was after my men’s meeting where I enjoyed being a ‘part of’. I liked sharing troubles with a friend who shared his with me and we laughed. He’s a mensch. So many are. I’ve lost one in the Beurocracy of work.
I lay back and closed my eyes and enjoyed the jasmine smell of the candle and the ordered cleanliness of my home. I thanked God for cleaning ladies. I thanked God for that moment when I listened to music remembering nights with candles listening to Jean Luc Ponte, my first home of my own, the bungalow which my father had helped me buy checking the foundation and pipes and roof. She was beautiful too. We were young. Early. Relationships. I was alone last night. The dog had gone to bed to sleep on the fresh sheets and covers. I was two people, the active worker doer and the appreciative passive artist child thankful for this imaginary moment. My guitar is on the wall. I thoughttt to play it as I’ve written songs before and poetry but instead just listened to the mellow music , enjoying the mood. Taking a break from the busy.
Thank you God for this existence. Thank you for this new day. Thank you for all your blessings. May I know you more and do your will. Thank you Jesus. Thank you saints of all religions. Thank you God of Gods.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment