Toilet

It’s been a month that my forward toilet has been out of commission. I have another toilet at the back. It definitely could be worse. Yet the persistent unresolved frustrating sense of despair at this barrier. I have so many things now backing up and it’s just the toilet. It seems to burden me. I have had three visits by the RV repair and three visits by the vacuum truck.  I’ve used hundreds of dollars and a dozen different chemical dissolving parts.

Now the cleaning ladies are coming.  

I’m working in the garage.  I’m weary, soul weary with the depression and despair and anxiety.  I don’t have much reserve. I have difficulty with people directing their anger at me. I’m still working .  I just learned that some million got cheques for a year or two even prisoners in jail.  Obviously all this spending came from my taxes and the increased taxes we now face.

I don’t feel I’m doing more than getting from one pay check to another. It seems that five days in the hotsprings is a ‘vacation’ but I’ve had this chronic back pain for a year and wasn’t able to walk for weeks more than a half block.  I have moments in the day of joy. I laugh at my dog. I pray and meditate and know I’m blessed. I have family and friends.  Yet there’s this background constant pain that happens with movement.  I have a reprieve sitting and lying down.  My trip last spring was a major antidepressant and gave me the means to carry on. Increasingly I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to curl up in a fetal position.

I’ve delegated work. I pay so much for others given how little relatively I’m now paid for decades of training and experience. I know everyone thinks health care is a good deal. It’s cheap. It’s a deal.  I’m like going to Mexico.  The real value of my services is reduced while our utterly incompetent corrupt government is paid ten times its worth.   We have great workers in Canada but thorough corrupt and incompetent unaccountable government .  Our PM gets richer and richer as the country’s citizens suffer more and more.  Yet the immigrants and refugees rush in reminding us that compared to their ‘shithote’ countries Canada is paradise.  

Economics.  I’m weary

Gratitude is what I need.

Thank you God for all I have. Help me change my mind and see God in all . Help me be thankful and not compare but see all as your gift for me. Help me to learn what lesson it is each challenge has.  Help me overcome my self centered ness and self pity. Help me be of more service to others.  Help still my fear.