Sunday

I didn’t make it to church this morning.  I almost did. I slept in till 8 am but had time to get ready.  Prayer, meditation, stretching exercises all went well. I had my first cup of coffee and then thought to dress.

I thought I could dress au femme or or dull.  But then a bit of vanity slipped in.  My dog’s hair is a mess with matting.  I have an appointment for the Vet to shave him because he resisted grooming. I think he may have tiny burrs from Yuma in the mats. What ever that was enough for me to make another coffee and return to reading the The Good Life, the continuation of the Harvard Study, the one I’d been so moved by when Vaillant was the chief researcher, a longitudinal study.  Reflecting on it I realize that since Covid I’ve been rather isolated.

I use my dog as an excuse. I think of my friends dancing and how I’d enjoy that. They get together each weekend for an afternoon dance.  Yet I say the dog couldn’t come. I’ve tried to encourage my partner in participatory activities throughout our relationships and she’s content to ‘come along’ but has shown her proclivity for sitting and isolating .  We’ve both grown fat.  I’m the only one to encourage activity. There’s a long list. I bought us bicycles and while I bicycled a lot she never did. Then it was boats of various kinds and she wanted to sit and watch.  Even when we are together now and I walk the dog she doesn’t offer to come along and doesn’t like to walk.  Even when I take her travelling she is negative about exploring and activity preferring to stay in bed or lay down and read.  She’s not enthusiastic about activity. I feel always like I have to have enthusiasm.  She will come along but drags.  

My back hurts. I find that the pain causes me to resist so many activities this last year.  Indeed I was attracted to the female life style because it was so sedentary epitomized by the long fingernails and clothing that is obviously not meant for most activities.

I remember when I got her a motorcycle and she did’t ride it and eventually it’s as given away as she was so angry I ‘forced her to ride it’. Though she lives in the past with memories of teen age years.  So we didn’t bike together and we didn’t motorcycle together but it was good for years when she came along on the back of the bike. But that stopped. I bought her skis and snowshoes and we didn’t do those things. I used to do all this and meet up with those who were active , going to meetings, going to church, motorcycling, going to dances, sailing and sailing schools. I’ve always been the front runner and independently active and enjoyed dancing,  hiking mountains and cycling and canoeing with partners.  I’m active. 

I remember thinking I was doing all these self help meetings and taking all these courses and I likened it to showering. I was getting clean daily and people like people who shower but I was with someone who was physically clean but didn’t think that going to al anon or taking courses or participating in groups was her ‘thing’.  She attributed it to being ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ and a’ girl’.  We all want to treat the infant girls sweetly because they kill themselves and the thing of horror stories. “Gentle’ women in general terrify me. It’s as the realization I had that I actually believed I was a ‘peacenik’ and literally in reality didn’t like anyone.  I make sure everything goes her way because she becomes furious and ghosts or destroys.  “It’s all my fault’.  The anger management for women took decades to arise because women believe and still believe that it’s all the ‘man’s’ fault. The Liberal blame the conservatives and no one forgives Trump yet the Demcrats consider themselves superior and loving. TS Eliott described it all in the ‘Hollow Men”.  I distrust the smooth talker because the psychopaths I’ve known all wore suits and were well groomed.  The other group, the tattooed and gruff were apparent. Not like the snakes.  So often women are celebrating these kinds of men that other men loathe.  Trudeau popular with the girls. Yet that’s the media, it turned out that Trump had the majority female vote but not that slim academic group that were the ‘pant suited’ Hillary gang, abortion lipstick feminists.  We seem in agreement but thankfully we don’t argue politics.  That’s what is so difficult . If we are going to watch a movie or sit around a campfire or drive to a hotsprings I’d want no one else but her.  What has changed? 

I learned she really didn’t like me. I was okay.  We were good companions but she preferred to be alone or with family. Meanwhile I’d stopped going to all the meetings and activities I once attended. I was on executives and boards and now I waited on her to be available.  We camped together but she no longer rode on the ATV resisting invitations. Ironically she’d see herself as being present but she was mostly too scared and preferred to sit. I served her.  She sat reading.  

Sex stopped.  My back hurt. We did other things. But she didn’t miss it or initiate it.  

She was happy enough was we were going but that move from stationary to active was monumental. She never experienced the drag of ‘take off’.  She was aging rapidly settled into her ways and resistant to change or the new and angry with me a lot.  

I remember each of the activities and how she was there and then she stopped. We used to go to the pool.  She stopped that. I was always positive and enthusiastic and consciously so always making the effort to jolly her along . She became so angry when I disagreed.  My friend said don’t argue. I didn’t argue. I carried on doing ‘my thing’. I like the ballet and symphony and she liked to sit.  I carried the cost of two.  I resented that I was ‘paying for a friend and companion’.  

There was a similarity to my marriages and relationships with women. I always paid. I always considered their needs. No matter how much I tried to be the ‘nice guy’ and the ‘good guy’ increasingly they’d find something to criticize me for.  I had argued and criticized decades back.  But I went to self help and therapy and had the idea that it was my issue.

Don’t feed the raccoons. Don’t enable.  I learned all this.  But I didn’t want to upset her so I didn’t confront her jealousy. She was the most jealous woman I knew.  We called it untreated al anon because she carried so much of the trauma of her past and projected it on me.  Of course I complained of radical feminists, the authorities and the liberal communist destruction of society. She didn’t like to talk politics and liked things nice and pretty and accepted all I gave her.

On a material basis I was a sugar daddy, candy man.  She was a princess. The aging daughter.

Yet spiritually I felt I was a failure.  I felt she was calm pleasant and sweet and gentle. I felt that with the cry of ‘toxic masculinity’ and all the public abuse of men like me who provided and protected and had worked so hard that they were dying from heart disease and bodies failing from overuse and work, well, I thought of my mother and how she was always helping and participating like the women in my family, never sitting, always active and that they had the children for their men. I thought of my father how he served my mother and loved her as the mother of his children. I didn’t have children. The women in my life have always wanted to be the child and I’ve been the father.  I did’t have children. But they would in their mind insist they’d been the mother. Ludicrous as that was considering how much I fed and protected and served them and how destroyed I was by constant work and service and fighting the authorities to protect my patients, advocating and dealing directly with the corruption, having my life threatened repeatedly, have so much traum in work and at home.

25 years sober and we can’t disagree with the authoritarian corrupt dictatorships that flourish.  

The microcosm and microcosm.

She goes to church if I take her but on her own doesn’t. Alone she does activities with her family if they take her. If others initiate and encourage her she will participate and is a very good companion. I do enjoy her company.  She easy on the soul.  She’s a dreamer.  I’m off learning and exploring and would like to return to share my pot of new things but she’s not learning ‘new things’.  She’s at home going through old memories and content.  Aging.  

It became an issue with aging.

I think we project our own unresolved problems onto the other. I love her as much as I have loved but I’m jealous of her. I would like someone to take care off me physically as I’ve cared for others physically.  I feel I have to beg her to do anything. Sex is the canary in the mine and it’s the ultimate red light. She’s there if I get things going.

What’s changed is that I’m not proactive. It was the best sex for decades until I realized that I did the ‘work’ and the ‘ideas’ and the intimacy but it was great to have someone pt play with and I’d known decades of that with other partners but then the passive aggressiveness had begun. 8 or 9 years out of 10 year relationships great sex then the passive aggressiveness. I’m supposed to eat at home but suddenly the tables bare and I’m blamed.  I’d done my 8 or 9 years and no babies and no reciprocity.  

I felt I was with takers or I made takers. 

What’s in it for me I’d ask. I d think of Othello and my Iago mind.

As long as I was worshipping the girls and meeting her every desire and need I was okay.  Happy wife, happy life. Yet all day long I’d see the lies of women in society and be attacked by them. The lying psychopath crack addict steals from me and I fire her and she gets a gang of women to back her and I’m paying off $50,000 to end it. She faces no consequences .It’s the victim society. I’m the male and she has the female card and the victim card and I’m just paying all the time. 

So I go through a course on forgiveness and resentment and spend years actively resisting the negative thoughtsr.  

But now I’m aging. Now I don’t see an endless future. Now I don’t see any reciprocity. I worry now that only God will be there. Only God cares and it’s Prisoner’s Dilemna.  Parasites are successful

But if I’m projecting then I’m the parasite. I’m the evil one.  I asked ‘were you there when they crucified my Lord’.  With deep spirituality and the Jungian idea of us as all in the story I’m jabbing the side of Jesus or ordering him crucified. Meanwhile she is having a sentimental experience and singing kumbaya. All that ‘niceness’ went out of my ideology when I worked in the jails and the asylum with the  dangerously insane .  The height of the madness came with the defund the police and the upper class girls arguing that Xi Jing Ping and Hitler and Putin and their ideologies are better than Constitutional Republicanism, Trump and Pense.  

My friend took care of his physically disabled wife for decades wheeling her ravaged body about in a wheel chaire when he wasn’t at work.  He was a better Christian than I.  I spend all day serving the role as the ‘complaints department for life’.

I’ve liked her positivity till covid.  Covid affected so many relationships.  She wanted to be with me and did the things I did but after Covid she didn’t want to participate but she wanted and felt entitled to all that had gone before.

Like my breaking up with the girl who liked sex and apress ski and I took her to Lake Louise and she had a great week drinking booze and having sex while I skied each day. I know so many guys who make that exchange. Sex is the blue collar reward.  Without sex or children the equation is I’m paying for friends. 

I had a fiend who I paid to take hunting with me.  I paid all the costs because he was poor and a good companion and a great guy in difficulties . When I was with him he was sane but that’s what I do.  He’d isolate and go crazy and I’d take him along and challenge his insaniety and work as a psychiatrist but realized he thought he was spiritually helping me. He was a legend in his own mind and spiritually dwarfed by his isolation and anger and fear.

I like my own company. I like my dog. I’m working with people all the time and like to be alone to write and read and there’s balance in my life. I’m also a ware that there’s a value in change. I liked being on boards and in groups because there I wasn’t daddy and was just another guy. I like the men in my men’s meeting and look forward to sharing in my other groups. 

There’s books called ‘co dependency’ and ‘Al ANon’ and church but she doesn’t like to share and doesn’t like to forthcoming or have people disagree with her. She’s hiding in her past and a bubble of sorts. I’m a challenge and work. I’expect’ participation and she knows that I’m disappointed that she likes to sit with the dog and complain about the dog and play with the dog but the dog wants a walk and she doesn’t do that with the dog and I walk the dog. I cook and even clean on occasion and have cleaning ladies and various high level accommodations and provide reprieve from my man cave taking her to luxury resorts.

I’m unhappy and I project that on her.  I can phone a friend and plan weekends with them. I ‘ve a friend who is a dancer and could call her and go dancing. I ‘ve a friend who like s to motorcycle and would gladly have a companion.  I ‘m waiting for her and blaming her.  She’s a saint and yet I wait for her.  I enjoy her most. 

5 years ago I planned to go to be with my brother. He died and I decided I still didn’t want to retire in Vancouver. Yet I like my colleagues and work here and the peop.e But the future doesn’t look good for Vancouver. I can’t afford the cost of living and if I wasn’t working I’d be quickly impoverished. The criminal activity is on the rise and the corruption is rampant with increasing totalitarianism and communist invasion. I’m the hated white educated old man.  I’ve been thinking of going to the Maritimes or Mexico for years downsizing and exploring options. 

She has family and friends here.

I have friends here but sometimes think that aging it might be better to be closer to my family. I have had thoughts of living in the RV park near their home.  I’ve had thoughts of  moving to Mexico. I liked my month in Yuma. I went to a couple of churches and imagined I’d have friends pretty quick.  I didnt’ even get to meetings but they’ve always been a source of relationships.  

An acquaintance, narcisistic and a major taker , really interested in money and happy to use your stuff but totally freaked out if you touch his stuff.  Told me, “My family like to be around doctors since they’re so given and caring. We aren’t that way so we like to take advantage of care givers’.

I was taught ‘boundaries’ because I was burning out caring for everyone. I like to be alone to recharge.  She was easy on my soul like a cat until covid hit then she became worn out and we both were. I’m hearing about couples like us . 

Seeing how badly old men are treated here I’m thinking of being a woman. Faced with taking testosterone or estrogen with increasing erectile dysfunction I’d think being a n old lady preferable to being an old man.  The old men especially the single old men are being savage as they they to care and protect and yet are demonized and after all their service the ex’s and children hate them .They’re just dirty old men.  The transexuals are dirty too and the gay community is anti angling.  

This whole aging thing has me flummoxed. 

I shared with my mentors, sponsors and therapists and they all said ‘she’s untreated al anon…..she’s taken you hostage…you’re like a light she has in a jar ….she says she wants you to be free but she doesn’t …..she’s the worst kind of feminist’

But I think she loves me .  

My dad hated the single women who would offer him ‘gas money when mom would invited them to come along on outings after church.  He said ‘they don’t appreciate all that goes into having a car, sharing a car and maintaining a car.   They think it’s ‘gas money’.  They think it’s a taxi.  Yet they won’t do the work to be able to help others. I don’t like the church folk because I’m always doing things for them. The minister wants me to help fix the roof. I find them great at talking but not to good when it comes to working.

My mother helped butcher the deer my dad shot. They did everything together like my brother and wife.  

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Men are acting like women and women are inviting the barbarian truly toxic masculine middle eastern and Asian men to replace us the guys who cared and were ‘sensitive’ .  The Beth on TV is so popular with adults as she loves and protects her father and her husband.  The Kardasians are into selfishness on steroids.

I’m trying to love God and love my neighbour as myself. I try to be loving. I’ve been as thoughtful and caring as I can and included her and served her in every way I can.

It seems more a one way street.  Given the chance to be with me or others she chooses others. I left a marriage when my ex preferred to be with her family and friends and I was home doing the home repairs, working three jobs and paying the bills. I paid for all the trips but asked that she pay her flight. She didn’t.  She offers to pay for the pizza and I hear my father saying how people who do that ‘pay for the gas’ feel they’re contributing but it’s only one thousands’ of the cost and it makes them feel good and they don’t need to do more and can revel in how they are cared for. 

I miss my cat and have been looking for another. They’re useless compared to a dog but somehow you think they’re doing something on the unseen level. I believe she prays for me as I pray for her.  Then afraid and sore as I am today, paranoid and aging, I feel I’m wasting my life and am with a soul sucker. I would love anyone to care for me now as the costs increase and I’m still working the job of three and the society says that I’m supposed to and others are free loading a nd they’re being paid by the government while the workers like me are punished. I want to strike. I don’t want to play anymore . It hurts. I feel I must be such a loser that I’m only liked if I pay.  I remember my rich friends sharing that concern.  How difficult it is in the real world as the guys stop dating Canadians girls who demand so much and go overseas and marry or live away.  I don’t want to be here where I’ve provided the health care that has attracted so many but now see that personally as I age that I’ll have to pay for what the old need.  I can see euthanasia as attractive as more and more of the old are saying they can’t afford to do anything. The girls like to sit at home and watch tv while the guys are punished for hunting and fishing and can’t afford to have cars or bikes to get out and do things so sit in tiny apartments and are liked caged animals. Euthanasia seems better than life among cockroaches looking at the administration who rewarded themselves with all your hard work.  The pension for the working men and women is a third what it should have been if the government had n’t corruptly stolen from it.  Old age doesn’t look so good .

I fear I’m critical of the finest person in my life because I feel so frightened . My toilet hasnb’t worked in a month. I’m in constant pain and there doesn’t seem to be hope for improvement. I feel like I’m dying at times .I feel there’s little time and I’m working still

I’d hoped to be somewhere I could write and create. I wanted. To retire to being a write and explore writing novels  and taking courses at the university and working on woodwork with my hands, playing more music, going to movies taking trips with the dog and girl in the camper.  

I miss when I’d say I’m going to walk the dog and she’d be dressed to join us. I miss when I’d be amorous and she’d put on a sexy negligee and open her arms as I climbed into bed. I miss when we were both not so fat. I miss when she rode on the back of the motorcycle and I’d say lets go to art gallery she’d come. Now she always says she doesn’ want to leave the dog. That’s the ‘excuse’ women use with kids and others.  I wish she’d just admit she’d rather stay home alone and read a book and say fuck you.  If she’d cared about the dog she’d walk him. What he most enjoys is when she walks with us. She complains he is on top of her but he needs exercise.  I’ve done less because I’m in pain.

But I use pain as an excuse. I’m no better. It’s not about judgment. I’ve been blessed with an angel and heaven but there aren’t any children. We are friends. She’s my best friend. I’m one of her many relationships. I’m just wondering about the future and it’s crazy.  ODAAT.  I need more meetings.

I’ve served all these other people, natives, women, islanders, black people, democrats and aetheists and just everyone irregardless of their relationship with me. I watch my colleagues and my ex wife give preferential treatment to their own. My colleague is highly regarded as a mensch as he gave his attention and time especially to his Jewish friends and community. My East Indian friend did the sesame and now is highly regarded in that community. I’ve not served anyone but the sick. Indeed I worked in the area of greatest need with the people who are the least grateful and paid the equivalent of hundreds of thousands of dollars dealing with their hypercritical offensiveness and watching the psychopaths in suits triangulate with them against those of us who were in the front lines. I’ve served all these outliers and when I’m gone I was seen as just a ‘government service’..The lawyers are personalized and doctors are denigrated .  We in private practice have had none of the benefits of the soft slow cushy government jobs in medicine where they take the glory of those of us in private practice.  Stolen glory. The administration. The totalitarian losers who can’t work but by peter principle rise and are chosen by the other parasites.

She’s closest to me. I have resentment as the Communist invasion and the destruction of meritocra cy, the kleptocracy, the burning of Churches. The aethest ‘harm reduction’ that stands on the shoulders of abstinence and now enables and rewards those who do the worst just like the richest abortion industry tend the new euthanasia industry where my colleagues who couldn’t heal now are rewarded for killing and neglect like the administration in Ottwas where corruption is the norm.  

I’d just like her to be around more.  I’d like to know where I’m going .I can’t stay here.  I’m not rich enough to live in Vancouver anymore. I’m not even sure I can live in Canada because I was middle class and we’re hated with the wealth being taken from the working to be given to the ‘worried well’ , the ‘woke and lazy’ or the upper classes of the Beurocracy as he UN21 and Davos propagate their fears and lies.  

My mother said we always hurt the ones who love us the most because they’re closest.

I miss her. 

Even the dog not letting himself be groomed and trying to bite the groomer has me having to get help from the vet and everything takes longer and all my patients seem to be angry that I’ve such a long waitlist and everything takes longer.  

And it some days would like to go back to the private practice model where I saw a person for 6-12 month selecting the motivated rather than working with the angry and drunk and stoned who pay lip service but just want cocaine in pill form.  I’m doing my bit. I’ve doing the heavy lifting. The counsellors don’t have the obligations and demands that are increasingly on the public health care service. My happy colleagues don’t work in the public health care system. My wealthy colleagues work elsewhere too. Meanwhile I’m still serving in the trenches.  Hated.  I identify with the ‘defund police’. Everyone just wants more pot and when it doesrn’t work it’s my fault for not reacting their withdrawal.  

I read how stress of caregiving takes 10 years off the life expectancy. I see my caregiving friend in later years caring for his wife whose obesity and lack of exercise caused him to be like me ….but she was the mother of his children and his best friend from childhood.  He could say he owes her but he was like the wife of a drunk.  Still the drunk was always there and always gave and always served.  She ‘s a trooper and he’s a mensch.

I’m neither. I’m self centred and dealing with character defects wondering what to do when I grow up. What’s next in my life. Alone i might do different. But I like driving with her . I like being alone. I wish she would come along but she’s taken to the couch and tv and probably earned it young..  She’s resting on her laurels, the years of dealing with the ex from hell like my ex from hell and we’re now walking each other home.  

I think of time a lot.  I’ve always had pain.  I’ve always had stress.  Now I’m not handling it well.  I don’t like that when I give someone something they don’t let me know they got it.  The lack of graciousness and assholery abounds today and yet if I say anything I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind work but I want to be on another planet when I have time off.  I know that if I get to church or a meeting I’m better than if I watch tv or do social media. In need to be fasting and exercising and thankfully walk the dog and swim but it’s not enough. I should be in a tai chi class. I have to be active. And so does she but she doesn’t see it that way.  Sloth and gluttony . I’m treated AA and she’s untreated Al Anon and we’re both Sloth and Gluttony and I’m a little lust and some envy too.  I dont’ have avarice but I’m beginning to do with the high cost of heating.  

Ghosting coming and apologies and tears and I’m like all men a failure .  All the studies show that Canadian women are the most entitled in the world and do the least.  They’re the most critical .  It’s either outspoken dirt or subtle behaviour usually in the bed rooom.  Spitting in the soup.  Im tired and fatigued. Anxious and depressed.

I’m not allowed to be.

The parents are never allowed to be disappointed.

The appeal of retirement is the second child hood.

She’s not the problem. Obviously the best of a bad lot. I love her company more than anyone else. I love being with her travelling with her.  The illusion is there ‘d be someone better. I found the wives just got longer and worse. The first wife was the best but then I say my Dad got smarter as I got older.  I’m the problem I take me with me.  I ‘m  also thinking covid and aging are the problem and now government and inflation and all the evil decisions made by Trudeau and his criminal gang.  He’s been stupid since the beginning and only stayed in power playing one against the other and giving away Canadians land money and future.  

I have less reserve and I’m tired. I survived alone at sea and survived living off the land.  The criminal behaviour in government and in Vancouver expands.  I tried to let it go but being threatened by young men walking on a trail their off leash pit bull trying to kill my dog . I refused to see a meth addict and he threatened to kill me and complained to the college and for months I’m defending myself to beurocrats who befriend the dangerously insane. I’m the thin wall between this guy and them yet they idealize themselves.  

Meanwhile I’ve got this great friend and I’m being unkind. I’m avoiding her. I could hop in the car and drive downtown to see her go for lun ch. Before covid we did that all the time. But in Covid several times I swerved from bad drivers and I had hit and runs and destruction and I’m afraid to go outside. Meanwhile she normally drives out to see me and she faces the traffic and terror of Vancouver drivers with their bought licenses and cultural superiority and in ability to drive in winter because they don’t get snow tires. I got her snow tires and she makes the trip to see me on weekends when she could just stay in her apartment .  I don’t praise all the amazing things she does. But since Covid I’ve been come very anxious .  She’s had it. I ve just become old and afraid.  I’m so sad. I used to be able to shake off the constant angst in work but it’s skyrocketed since covid everyone more depressed and anxious and nothing ‘working’.  Everyone has pain and more pain.

I come back happy and it’s like the sharks sense life in the water and my soul is attacked and the flesh is stripped from the bone.  Maybe it’s the realization of what it’s like with the relaxation and not hearing pain all day.  Mostly it’s the addicts who blame everyone and hold on to the demons that are devouring them.

I know . I’ve done that . I  do that.  I m the problem but I play poor me and blame.  I’m paranoid. I’m so tired too. I sleep in on the weekend and wake not feeling rested. That’s been going on since the winter freeze and the toilet plugged. It’s the outer mana infestation of my sould.   I’m constipated.  

The fact is I’m blessed with the best girl in the world. A mensch.  I’m the one that expects and demands so much from life .Im the Kate h.  I’m the soul sucker. I’m Herod. I have a friend who lovesd to say ‘get down of the cross we can use the wood’… I boomerang to self pity 

I saw the chiropracter yesterday and my back feels a whole lot better.

There’s a guy under floor working on the toilet pipes in the cold and disgust.

My dog has an appointment to have the veterinarian assistants shave him this week

I’ve good food in the fridge and heat and water.  I ‘ve always had one toilet working .  

I’ve a job and I am paying taxes even if now I no longer trust where the money is going. The government has never before been such an enemy of the people.  I loathe Trudeau and all he stands for and here it’s possible that my outspoken rage against his duplicity deceit waste and corruption will likely cause more problems.  We’re all being gagged in Canada.  Before they complained that I said ‘fuck off’. Now you can’t say anything against the government without risk of loss of freedom and income.  I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of dementing and saying that the emperor has no clothes. I’m afraid of being dependent and don’t know anyone who would stand up for me. I’ve stood up for so many and have experience such loss for my devotion to the truth and justice, helping those ravaged by the ones in power.  Now i fear with agin that I was wrong that doctors wouldn’t be killed in the war. They’re targeting caregivers and ambulances.   It’s scarey the persecution of Dr. Jordan Peterson.  It’s hearing of the false accusations and the persecution of those who follow the party line.

I’m not the man I want to be and I don’t know it’s there’s time for me to becoming a loving person. I watch the show Navy Seals and identify with the conflicts the soldiers have serving their government , their family and the politics. I totally identify.  Except the attacks on in my world on reputation and we who served are neglected. Our infantry go into war with old equipment and I can’t get an MRI and weekly fight to get a medication for a patient . The patient doesn’t see the administrator but sees me and blames the staff o for the delays and I feel stupid being here.  I want to get on my sail boat and sail away again.

I’m hanging in there blaming and angry and sad and afraid and feeling I’m not doing well yet have lasted another year.  I talk with all my retired doctor friends and saw the same fear with covid.  Now they’re suffering with inflation and I see all these old people working in take out while the young people are getting hand outs from the government and are complaining no one is caring for them in their thirties while each person doing drugs in the DTES commands a million dollars in services .There are caregivers and victims and I’m providing medication and recommendations and knowledge but the really money is in supplying free heroin and free rent and all the other free things and the people who got in the line to bottle neck the resources and control the distribution are richer fat cats.  

I’m just trudging along lonelier and afraid .  

I live because my dog needs me.  

That’s as simple as it gets.  Pain narrows the outlook.  No one cares for old white guys especially those in pain. And when I look around they’re all hurting from some injury, mine were at the job and most of those I know got theirs there too. But the political liberal girls are insisting that they’re more sensitive and that they have emotional pain and their emotional pain is worse that people who lost as leg.  They insisted they suffered most when the guy ‘raped me ‘ with his eyes. They insisted that emotional abuse is the worst and verbal abuse is worse and I’m looking at the deformed bodies of my Asia and Middle Easter patient who were tortured and are permanently disable. I’m looking at my male friends who have lost body parts in the work place.  I had a white collar job but was in a plane crash serving the northern aboriginals, a car crash driving to the hospital in a blizzard to deliver a baby, and struggling with the dangerous ly insane, grappling to not be killed and then getting TB and taking a medication that cause  me my hearing loss and why didn’t I complain at the time or seek compensation because we don’t do that in my culture .  We tough it out. We suit up and show up. We man ujp.  That’s what a woman told me. ‘Man up’.  I can’t start crying or I won’t stop crying. That’s why men don’t share their feelings. The girls like the quiet silent killer types. The girly boys and the wounded can’t provide and protect.  So the old guys are used up.

I watch whet they did to the soldiers, prisoners of war and only recently was there care, if you live long enough, otherwise I remember my father telling me when he returned fro the war how the other guys and girls got the best jobs and he and his war buddies suffered looking for work and feeling scared they’d not survive that time. He did get work and he worked all his life and loved my mother who deserved better from me because I’d rejected her conservative values for the liberal school values I had. I’d met Pierre Trudeau and thought he was cool. I thought government was good then.  I didn’t know there wasn’t a free lunch. I would like a sugar daddy.  Only the young get those. The old girls are suffering alongside the old guys.

Mom said, “don’t feel you have to have children, you done so much for so many mothers and children’.

My brother and I protected my father and mother both from institutional abuse.  I had to stand up to hospital administrators who told me to kill the patient it was costing too much. I know that they’re killing patients now with mental illness because it’s cheap. I don’t want to be killed by MAiD but there’s times I don’t see what ‘s in living when the pains bad and the assholes are making a stink.  The administrators want us to ‘mirror’ them. Their arrogance and hypocrisy are the same as Trudeaus.