Toilet

My toilet continues to be plugged.  Kelvin replaced the seized valve.  He pulled more toilet paper residue out of the pipers. He even found the wash valve and washed out the holding tank and pipes.  There an elbow close to the tank he could’ve reach and it appears to be the source of trouble .  He left after five or so hours and the toilet has been filled with two bottles of tissue digester.  I even added a liquid plumber and a blue digester.  This morning the water is clear but filled to the top. I’ve bailed it with a pan to add more chemicals. His snake and my snake haven’t worked.

My back hurts.  I prayed and meditated and did the morning back exercises.  I just let Madigan out to pee.  His half complete grooming still makes him look like a clown dog,

I have my invertion back machine in the garage.  It needs assembly.  I have a pile of ‘stuff’ to go to the storage locker.

I’m stymied. 

I feel blocked by the toilet and the back pain.  I enjoyed sitting cross legged. I enjoyed prayer and meditation.  

The back pain isn’t waking me like it did in the fall. It’s only with movement.  Hot tubs and swimming are fine.  I limped in sheer pain to the rest station from the car in November when the sciatica was at it’s worse.  Now I can walk for 20 minutes and my back is sore.  The next day I sometimes can’t move without pain.  Massage helps. I’ve not been back to the chiropractor.  My daily back exercises make me flexible but I don’t have relief.  The pain is constant with varying degrees Right now sitting I’m without pain but if I get up to get another cup off coffee I’ll have pain,.  It’s better than the fall and it doesn’t feel like something is unstable and ‘breakable’ like it did last year when I was walking in Scotland. I don’t feel so fragile just sore and fearful of doing damage by overstraining. I suffer the next day or two if I push myself.  

I don’t feel manly,  I haven’t felt manly since I had ED with pain. Then when I hurt myself so severely just mounting and having sex,  I carry resentments and self pity and weary of the constant lifetime complaining of feminists who haven’t bailed hay, done construction or hurt their backs. All the men I know at my age have major physical disabilities from work or sports. Being on constant pain I ‘m finding it hard to listen to the news and all the View girls and Huffington Post girls complaining their life is tough, like a trust fund PM.  

As a psychiatrist I believe pain is anger turned inward, All pain is psychosomatic.  I’m suffering.  I know the X-ray shows a fracture and traumatic arthritis.  It s more important that I continue to have flashbacks of resentment. Intrussive thoughts of the government thugs and low brows backing the criminal liars.  I feel like I’m going to die without seeing any justice.  I used to think of Jesus on the cross disheartened by the government and state laughing and mocking him as the falsely accuse and shame him and kill hill

I’ve listened to 4 years of Trump being falsely accused with the fake Russian Dossiers.  Meanwhile Trudeau is a liar and his hair brain policy are hurting everyone financially and ethically except his little cult following.

I bought another book on forgiveness.  Resentment is taking poison and hoping the other guy will die. I’m thought blocking and praying all day long,  The triggers of ‘false accusations’ are there all the time. I look at a colleagues mansion and know he was a lying shit. I still have difficulty forgiving my ex wife for the lies or her and her friends.  

I once had back bone.  I had courage .  The government licensing bodies have for decades being overstepping their authorities, invasive and demeaning.  Their agenda was to destroy doctors and other professional.  Classic communism.

I felt safer in Arizona than I do here, Her there are so few civil liberties left. Trudeau freezing bank accounts on a lie and Jordan Peterson defending his license from false accusation, It just brings back the government backing the meth addict threatening to kill me and my dog. I cry sometimes as I don’t feel safe and my back hurts.  

I wear a dress and am like Klinger but also feel safer.  Being a man in Canada is so terrifying and being alone and the girls have sided with Trudeau.  It’s the history of Lenin and Hitler.  

I liked reading Kelly Anne Conway and hearing of all the network of mothers fighting the friends of Epstein and Hillary.  Another year has gone by without Epstein or Ghislane ‘s list.  Elon Musks release of the Twitter correspondence of FBI makes the FBI just a less bloody Stazi, same ideation as Trudeau, above the law, elites only interested in power and corruption, 

I’m just weary and afraid and alone,

I was thankful sharing with my group and seeing my old friend who suffered back pain for years till he finally had back surgery when he couldn’t walk and now is walking .

I miss my friend John He was such a great manner and survived his accident and decades in a wheel chair in constant pain until he was falsely accused and the government lawyers and college attacked him backing the lies and utter cowshit that he was a ‘risk’ .  A man in a wheel chair and a girl getting paid to lie and false ly acuse .  The last days of his life attackers by scum of lawyers.  He’s in heaven and his accusers are rotting in hell watching their organs and intestines torn out day after day for their lies, their faces eaten away by acid over and over again as many days as they persecuted my friend.

Now I’m feeling vulnerable, No one cared when I was raped.  No one cared when I was held hostage, No one cared the many tines my life was threatened on the time the female patient sucker punched me in the emergency. The women cheered her, Violent terrorist women are celebrated by women   I see no justice,  Someone says my parents, grant parents or great grand parents were persecuted so I can persecute. No one rememembers Culloden or Irish and Sligo.  I stood at Sligo and cried. 

Now it’s all nonsense, cancel culture, and woke and all the climate change lies and racism attacks.  Whose going to pay for the Neanderthal all you holier than thous’s

I’m among friends like men are who just laugh and say ‘get off the cross , we can use the wood,’. The offended just get more offended and gaslight and terrorize.  

I have so much to be grateful for and write gratitude lists and am thankful but it’s like there’s still this abscess .  The holding tank full of shit. The chronic back pain. The depression and ptsd.  Identity disorder and gender issues.  Anxiety. 

Last night I watched Hawaii 5-0.  I finished. Kelly Anne Conway’s Memoir.  I thought of high school and the business and social life of that an college,  

I’m fairly isolated.  Aging does that I supposed.  There was a time when I had dinner parties monthly.  Another time when I lived with others.  Decades of my life in community.  Now I’m mostly alone.

Laura just texted me to say that they’d like to come over so the dogs could meet and John could look at toilet.  John’s a marine diesel engineer in charge of maintenance on a fleet of tug boats.  Molly is John and Caroline, Laura’s sister’s, dog.  I’m uplifted by the thought of company.  

At least that’d motivated the next step, getting dressed. I’m suddenly ashamed of the clutter and chaos but I don’t want the cleaning ladies here till the toilet is solved. I wondered last night if they put anything in the toilet not knowing RV or marine toilets.  The toilet on my sailing vessel was invariably plugged by a child’s toy or tampon and I took that toilet a part a dozen times because visitors had put things other than toilet paper in my toilet.  I never gave them the talk , the don’t put anything but toilet paper in toilet. I hád a compost toilet up north.  In my country home I installed a new septic systems.  Living on boats I knew this but here I don’t have signs up and I didn’t give the talk. 

It’s sufficient explanation that the valve was seized and water cojuldn’t be contained so silt built up.  The valves seemed off in the fall and I was a way for a month. I don’t have to look for culprits or conspiracies. There’s obviously a design flaw. If I’m faced with any catastrophe it inevitably has happened to others.  

I can hope. But at least now I have reason to get dressed.

New valve

Kelvin of Travco doing the dirty



I was happy to get new mocassins.