I prayed. I hoped. I couldn’t sleep. There is no scarcity.
Yesterday I used my last propane tank, Delivery isn’t till Friday. I am anxious about the propane and heat, I do have the barbecue small propane,
I’ve been using the electric heaters to reduce the propane since yesterday.
It seems drafty in my home. I’ve put on underwear and tights under my night shirt. My flannel pyjamas are in the storage locker along with my fur hat. I have warm comfortable slippers but should find socks. I have hiking boots that would help.
I woke from some bad dream. I read yesterday that trauma was infectious, an article on ptsd. I’ve had enough of my own trauma and I’m reliving the trauma of vets and victims.
I remember the winters on the sailboat, the hose on the dock freezing, depending on the water in my tank, rationing, no showers. Showering at work. I’d ride my motorcycle in the slush and sleet. I’d smell of diesel and not realizing sitting in the luxury of my comfortable appealing office, I was thankful when Tom brought me a large tank we filled with water during the day and it lasted the cold spell. I ran a hose to the tanks and managed for those weeks of terrible cold, the dock iced and the dogs and cats sliding despite their claws as we struggled to make it up to the car in the parking lot.
Yesterday the roads were closed. There’s a few feet of snow on my Ford Truck and Mini Cooper. When Mack with the grater cleared the road I walked out to see my vehicles. I’d not gone into work at the clinic. The news said that the roads were dangerous. I have an F350 with winter tires and chains but Vancouver drivers don’t know how to drive in Canadian winter. They have electric cars with summer tires. A film of an Aston Martin fish tailing all over the road went viral. It confirmed my suspicion. I was glad to work from home.
I’m barely managing. My back hurts and I feel fragile. Aging isn’t for the young. I do all the exercises, swam last night and used the hot tub. The inversion table I ordered through Amazon, came and I have it in the garage still in the packing. It needs to be assembled. I don’t seem to find time. Yet I can watch the new Halo Sci Fi alien series on Paramount plus for 3 hours in the evening. My sidewalk needs shovelling but I can’t find my shovel. It’s may be under the snow. I could borrow one but then I’m hesitant to subject my back to the strain.
I’m in defensive mode against the universe. I know the best defence is offence. Go face them and fight them be savage again says Rudyard Kipling in my brain. Younger I was made of sterner stuff.
I installed my new Starlink satellite and it was going well but then it wasn’t so I unplugged it and started all again It might well have been a temporary outages but I thought it was overheated only to find once I ‘d disconnected it that it was normally warm. So I put it all back together and forgot the password. I didn’t watch tv those evenings, After a 9 hour day of work I spent 4 hours a couple of nights dealing with tech issues. I have the Mac equipment all working and have continued work with ipad and MacBook, newer, but the older PC isn’t working and I think it’s a PW thing. I couldn’’t get the security cameras back on line either except the Blink . I want them all working before I go away after Christmas for a few days. The Blink is fine but my mind says I need a full array.
In Arizona last month I watched the cat and a raccoon pass through the yard at night.
I have a full array of fears and 2 years of constant fear bombardment by the government I’m worn down. I had a sore throat on Monday and it’s gone. Belinda said the staff had been having these come and go. My powerful psychosomatic defences responded to that little reassurance. I was in a struggle to the death internally fighting off images of dying in ICU’s unable to breathe. I was crying for my friend who died. There’s never been enough time to grieve. Every day and every year there are more sick and the party of clowns continues non stop in the capital cities.
I would wallow in self pity but I realize women are being killed weekly in Iran and Chinese are locked and immobilized by storm troop police. All over the world there are riots against the NWO regime and it’s lies of dire climate change and hysterical control measures to viruses. The war continues in Ukraine and China now has 400 intercontinental nuclear warheads aimed at me, here, us. I remember growing up in Winnipeg on the flight path to the Russian nuclear missiles targeting the American silos just south of us,
I know safety is an illusion and perception,
I’m chilly today despite the electric heaters and propane furnace warm clothing and my second cup of coffee. I was so glad that the water reservoir was full from last night. I know that if I take action each of these challenges and fears is reduced. It’s the curling up in the fetal position that makes things worse. I could bring in the frozen 5 gallon container and it would be thawed out by the time I needed it , if I needed it
The water may not be frozen just in my hose but may be at the pump. A few years back this whole sector lost it’s water when the main froze, I remember my friend coming from Winnipeg and enjoying the shower because he was still running a hose from the neighbours to shower after the suburb lost it’s water to a deep frozen main beneath the streets It was weeks or months before they could solve the problem. Water needed to be trucked in.
I remember with tears my elderly neice living in the freezing cold of the old family house with no one knowing that the furnace had broken and she didn’t have any money for repair. My brother said you could see your breath inside, She never wanted to bother anyone and just didh’t know what to do.
I know what to do. I’ve been doing it all my life. I’m very handy and was raised by an engineer father who was constantly maintaining the house and cars while we took it all for granted.
I’m a survivalist. I have all these skills. I have most of the equipment to thrive though my chain saw and pumps are in the storage locker. I imagine later today I’ll get the broom out and sweep off the truck, hope it starts, so many times I’ve charged or changed batteries, with frozen fingers and ears.
I just got back from Arizona and Mexico missing the November gloom and rain so that winter hasn’t seemed so never ending as yet. Since Covid I’ve felt in Vancouver like I did in Winnipeg when spring seeemed never to come and the SAD lite didn’t bring the happiness promised. I don’t like darkness in morning and early night. The short days were in Arizona too but the sun was bright and warm in the day.
Not like the wan sun in the sub arctic where I worked for years, I don’t know many who can recall the bush pilot having to use a blow torch to warm the oil pan so he could start the plane and get us out of the reserve where we landed .I remember that and the fear I had taking off uncertain, The same holds true for being in the DC3 when the runway was black ice so we had barely hit the tarmac before we were bouncing into the ditch. The plane flipped onto the wing which crushed with a god awful noise but we were stopped and the pilot and stewardess helped me out of the side exit which was now on top.
It’s my mind that’s the problem. No one better to know that than me. I need to have gratitude. An attitude of gratitude will always dispell fear and sorrow, But I don’t want another. AFGE - another ducking growth experience, I prayed, I sat in meditation but I wassn’t at peace, I feel I have to cancel some of my day, to make a trip to Canadian tire for a scraper and shovel and more propane, I hadn’t counted on one of my tanks being ‘expired’, The fellow wouldn’t fill it, It’s hard to keep up with all the tasks and binge watch tv at night when I am so exhausted that seems all I can do though when I swim and I’ve done that 2-3 nights a week I feel i have more stamina. I walk the dog at least an hour a day in spurts buth during the week it’s hard to get a half hour in morning and a half hour at lunch and a half hour in the evening. I’ve been short changing him. I’m always short of perfection . I try to pace myself but the problems don’t seem to slow. The printer is down because the satelite was down and I’m uncertain of the password, I was so thankful I could deposit the cheque at the bank because Nova Scotia on line banking is such a bitch to re install with their silly password security questions that only an accountant could solve and yet for now reason the cheque photograph function has failed I’m afraid to re install it because last tine it took a week and 2 bank managers and hours of my time going to the bank and on the phone to get it restarted.
I couldn’t stand for the pain and thought I should go to hospital and call an ambulance lying on the floor but waited because I didn’t to spend days on the floor in hospital waiting . I’d done that with my father. The pain passed, I know it’s grief but a physical doctor would say it’s something else. I have pain. I’m aging. It’s all in my mind. My mind is in God’s mind and all is well. Fear will kill me faster than anything else,
I used to be stoic. I used to laugh more. I think of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and this government as so like the Adam’s government intent on building a space highway through the earth and insisting they beurocrats had given fair notice by posting it at the nearest planet to earth . I like that the old gods of Dick Gentleys Holistic Detective Agencies have taking up residency in nursing homes because they get clean sheets and tea is brought to them.
I worry I’ll be homeless though I lost faith in homes with the last divorce, The mausoleum and insaniety .
It’s now 7 and still no light. When I was sailing off shore and it was night I knew I just had to hold it together till dawn because everything was better in the light even if the 40 foot seas were horrifying to see, it was all so much better than my imagination of how much worse it was than it felt in the washing machine boat bucking and straining and threatening to pitch pole.
So many near death experiences come to mind when I open that door but I don’t dwell instead on the recovery. There have been so many. The sun always rises. When I die i will awake in another dimension, hopefully a paradise like Mark Twain’s Captain Stormfields Visit to Heaven
I don’t want to dig about in the snow to follow the lines and check the source if there’s problem at the main, Kelvin went over my water system last month to ensure it was skookum, It’s just these are the coldest days.
I haven’t down the laundry for fear there is some freezing along the outlet and I’d hate to have a water spill.
I just remembered the year it got so bad living in winter on the SV Giri that I moved ashore for the weekend taking a suite in the Bayshore and loving thee luxury, hot showers and room service. I might order a pizza tonight, I have a meeting and hope to go though right now my being is still pretzelled in a fetal position, I’ve had coffee. Incrementally things have improved. I’m feeling the need for a bowel movement and considering what I ‘ll use to flush but I have liquid toilet cleaner and wet ones. I’ll feel better. It’s going forward.
The alarm went off and the Creed played, Inspirational.
I’ve been alone so long. My father and brother had women who helped them and were assets, I reflect too quickly on the women in my life who tried to destroy me and how I picked them like that, damaged by some earlier relationships or insane drunken parents. I have always been too willing to bite off my leg to get out of a trap.
I’m blessed though. In the tarot deck there is the fool stepping off a cliff . Everyone has called me lucky but I’ve just concluded that’s God acting anonymously, good karma or even sense but not something to disparage a person about. I was so brow beat in marriage. I began giving as good as I received but eventually found solace in silence. I was always blamed and shamed and wrong. Certainly never good enough. Certainly not perfect, Mostly poor despite constant work and providing for others.
See the quick slide to self pity. I haven’t drunk wine in 25 years but still am so which to whine, The winos really worse such whiners in their cups,
Today I’m struggling to be positive and hopeful even without water immediately. There’s no concern in the present. My anxiety is for hours or days away and my struggle with cancelling work I keep hoping the heat tape just went off and that when I fiddled with the plug it came back on and all shall be well. Though now I’m tired having been sup since 4 am.
Silly Billy.
Thank you God for all your blessings, Thank you for the Hound of Heaven poem and the poem of foot prints in the sand,
I’m so afraid and frozen in
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