Harrison Hot Springs Resort, Lake view, 2nd floor

I woke at 5 am,  I was having good dreams of old friends, camping, canoeing and fishing. We’d been hunting birds talking about big game hunting. A fellow’s son had shot a moose.  

“You know they’re trying to get rid of the private hunters. The money is in the big guiding businesses. It’s an industry easy to corrupt.  “ I said.

That’s when I woke. Thinking about ‘big’.  Hard for a corrupt politician to get a slice of a little bit of money but much easier and a better take if he can get a cut of a huge chunk.

Before going to sleep I’d read about another trillion dollar omnibus bill that congress just past. I was remembering the 32 billion missing in Canada since Trudeau ‘emergency’ spending bills.  

‘Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.”

Kleptomania. Something rotten in the State of Canada, maybe the world.

Anxiety is a measure of your distance from God.  Do not be afraid, said Jesus.  The persisting fears of recovery include ‘fear of financial insecurity.” It comes and goes.  Surrender and the Lord takes the wheel but the minutes the old primal fears are triggered the anxiety spikes.  The anxiety runs in a gang with self pity and other fears.  Sometimes the day ends with me so weary of blocking my own fears and helping others with theirs.

Here I am in paradise.  Laura has slept in. She takes a day at least to unwind.  All the complaints and demands. I say I’m the complaints department for life.  No wonder the likes of Trudeau are offering euthanasia while his French wife Sofia shots, ‘let them eat cake’.

It was chilly. I’d pushed off the upper thin blanket.  Madigan jumped up on the bed and I gave him the rub and scratch he deserved.  So often during the week I cut him short.  I felt good rolling about on the bed with the furry little cockapoo just so happy to have his belly rubbed and his back scratched.  

I prayed and tried to return to sleep but by 6 am I’d given up.  There are windows all around this corner room, a really big room with two queen beds. There’s a balcony too.  Large long washroom and toilet and bath.  I got up, brushed my teeth, gargled with listerine and shaved with my 4 bladed razor and shaving cream. Smooth.  

I pulled on jeans and my boots.  Put on the big sweater and parka, leashed Madigan, and filled my pockets with iPhone, wallet, hearing aids,  and hotel key card.  Madigan becomes ecstatic when I put his leash on him, jumping and twirling about. As I walk him down the hall I have to watch and counter his attempt to mark the way where other dogs have,

I lost faith in the universities and church, I said. It was the time they began to produce the ‘Bic Lighter’ diploma’s, charging the same price but saying they were only good for 5 or 10 years.  The price actually went up.  The idea was to gouge those people who believed in education, hit them up for not just annual renewal fees and continuing education fees but say their diploman’s depreciated like rotting meat.  It only followed that they’d bill for the certifications and re education and take kick backs from those studies they most wanted.  

I’m a continual learning machine, I’m reading whenever I can. I look up everything I can on any new patient, their other conditions , what’s latest in the field, Their presence occasions that. 

My colleague said, “you study more than any doctor I know, I graduated medicine and get my credits attending an hour of weekly rounds. That’s 50 hours CME.  The rest of my time I devote to real estate. I’m a multi millionaire. You’re a wage slave doctor.  You should give it up.  The authorities are the most self centred lazy greedy of all doctors interested solely in their own self aggrandizement.  They target you and don’t care about me.  

The system works that the best of doctors can be sidelines by the worst of patients, a political.  Mine was backed by the authorities. A lying drug addict who went about complaining against the good and subjecting these folk like me to years of lawyers and beurocrats, parasites, who suck the life out of the creative and hard working.  It’s a scam.  I’m relieved of idealism and nativity. I though there was justice once but I learned the hard way.  Everyone had nothing else to do but harass me and I was every day doing a full practice and adding the blood sucking leeches to my already stretched work load.  

Taxes took half the income Inflation took more. Housing costs went up with the money laundering corruption that dominated the Canadian housing market.  Criminals from around the world were invited to come to Canada to make a killing.

They all wanted the health care. I was the attraction.  I was the highest and best trained in the world, the most experienced, the safest, waitlists years in advance, referred to by they deans and leaders in the fields, celebrities, and the impoverished in my demanding practice.  

“He swore. He said the ‘f word”.  

I was expelled from high school for writing a song ‘Hey man what a fuck up’. I’d been asked to play it at the school.  

When she told me that doctors and professionals ‘can’t swear’,  I was shocked as I’d studied with the best of the best, those who got the Order of Canada and were world renown. We all swore.  

I’d always know that they’d find something anything.  That’s the way it works.  Evil sludge people find fault with the stars ‘ because they twinkle’.  

I’m always questioning my self serving rhetoric. I’d done years of analysis to be the best of doctors only to have the Drug Company Rep doctor say ,” doctor hay is crazy. he had to see a psychiatrist himself.”  It was years later that they caught him for having sex with girls .  

I’m prone to flashbacks. I pray all the time.  I meditate. I try exercise. I cry at night. I remember being held hostage. I remember the guns in my face, being shot at, stalked. I could handle that but these low life administrative doctors who wanted to avoid patients and hated medicine only wanting status and money , they loathe the clinicians and love being ‘police doctors’.  The police avoid the real criminals too and go for the innoscrnt like their love of gun laws.  All the criminals have guns and will hunt them down and kill their families if they bug them so they spend alll their time and tax payers money harrasssing hunters and collectors who are licensed and law abiding.  

I knew the killer doctors and how these same pompous assholes covered for them. 

Now I’ m in paradise. I wake early and walk the dog all the way around the lagoon. Only one other fellow is up so early. The air is sweet. I love the wind off the water. I take deep breaths as I walk.  I’ve let the little guy off the leash and we’re having a good time. I’ve been blessed so many times to come to Harrison and make this glorious walk. It’s the reason to come and the hot springs, I loved the hot springs last night despite the drunk woman shouting at her husband and left so she’d follow, taking the child out of the church With them gone the fairy tale hot springs went back to the quiet murmur of chatting friends and family. I enjoyed looking up at at mountain in the clouds.  Later I went inside to the even hotter indoor pool. There were so many bikini clad gorgeous young women there that it was hard to find a place to put one’s eyes.  Husbands and children were policing my gaze and yes I knew their loved one sparkled with beauty and yes I was in heaven if only because I could see from the sides of my eyes that I was among the finest.  

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the heat.

I was there for my back. It’s worse with age and yet when I think it’s the end I remember how often I’ve been here enjoying the hot springs and for a few days finding relief.  I survived a plane crash and car crash and motorcycle crash and ATV crash. My back wishes to remind me of what an idiot I have been.  

Today I’m weary.

I left my home where one toilet is plugged, frozen in the winter. I’m hoping it will be resolved with all the treatments supposedly clearing the sludge.  I ‘ve kept trying suggestions. OF course being a shaman mystic I see it as a metaphor. I’m full of shit. 

I come here and enjoy the indoor plumbing is someone else’s concern, I’m full of gratitude for this reprieve from my own world of concerns.

Time to get more coffee and then to head for the hot springs.  Tough schedule.  

Really thank you Jesus.  Hopefully in a  day or so I’ll let go of resentment and fear and self pity. I’ll focus on God instead.  I’ll clear the shit from my psyche.  I’m really blessed, It’s been a good year.  Aberdeen in the high lands, Edinburgh, Oxford London and Paris then summer and fall camping and a month in the desert doing a workation.  I’ve saved no money for old age this year , I’ve no pension, yet this year I’ve created no debt and continued to pay the taxes and mortgage.  I could clear all debt and have to retire comfortably for a while in an out of the way place.  But I’m okay doing what I’m doing, This healing break necessitates that. I’m wearing down in the complaints department of life.  Seeing how worn down Laura is by the constant rising demands and anger in the population waking to the criminality of their federal government is hard to understand. The rise of Lenin and Hitler followed the exact same pattern.

The betrayal of media and universities has hurt me most.  

Maybe that’s the necessary part of aging, Letting go and accepting so that the passage from here to there is worthy.  

I’m able to get another coffee now The shop has opened.