Harrison Hot Springs, December 30 Friday 2022

We were here last year at New Years. Laura remembers.  I thought that was the year before. We’d worn masks.  It was so cold the doors were frozen. Laura’s sick again this year.  She checked that it wasn’t covid, just the ubiquitous flu going about.  

I just remember that in January and February I was as depressed as I suppose I get.  Hearing depression and anxiety all day and having little relief to give. The lack of resources was so sad.  Patients were desperate. I described the trip to Europe I’d planned for my birthday as ‘kedging’.  I found the disinformation and lockdowns all so political. So many patients were disturbed by the discouraging political scene in Canada.  I began to viscerally loathe Trudeau.  A week didn’t go by than I’d learn something from overseas news that CBC and other Trudeau media weren’t covering.  Poor distribution of Covid vaccines resulted in millions going past due.  The Chinese scientist theft of stage 4 lab pathogens continued to be covered up.  Ghislane’s list of Epstein’s pedophiles with Clinton, Trudeau and Gates island visits all in the background.

The Freedom Convoy with Trudeau demonizing them and freezing their bank assets while celebrating BLM riots and appearing on Drag Show tv. It all was confusing.I’d not be so concerned but the soft on crime and drug use was rampant. I was always wondering about whether I was past shelf life and yet like my work and patients. Mostly I limited myself to diagnosis and medication management because psychotherapy was limited by the site and setting.  It was still doing my bit but I couldn’t defend the ministry lockdowns. It wore on me and Laura was tired at work.

I had my bucket list.  Aberdeen and Delgatie Castle. I’d been communicating with the Hay Society since Mom became interested in my 20’s.  I’d had help from them getting the first anxiety kilt I had made and later the Royal Red.  I’d been to Glasgow and Edinburgh in my 20’s visiting with family. Now I introduced Laura to the Royal Mile and loved the memories being renewed. Lots of good memories. I’d been experiencing too many negatives and intrussive thoughts so it was good to be uplifted by travel. I loved the art galleries especially, saying they renewed my faith in my fellow man.  The invasion of Ukraine and Xi Jing Ping’s war mongering over Taiwan after invading Hong Kong all looked bad. Iran was continuing to imprison women over clothing while Ottawa cabinet ministers sounded more ill informed than anyone else.  

I enjoyed walking about Oxford again revisiting Magdalene.  I love the church service.  It was all rather mystical.  The train was a delight like the train we took in Ireland.  The London again and Picadilly, Book of Mormon, Royal Ballet, British Museum and British Art Gallery.  I loved seeing the impressionist as much as I’d loved the Art Gallery of Scotland and seeing the Scottish painters.  The high speed train under the Strait , an incredible engineering feat, was a wonder. Being in Paris, our West Bank room, the neighbourhood, croissants breakfast on the streets the Louvre abd Or de Say and more impressionists.  I was glad the Norte Dame survived the terrorist attack.  

I don’t much remember the summer.  The camper was being repaired. I remember some fine lawn chair time outside my place.  We stayed in Clinton at the Lodge and I loved swimming in the lake. That was end of summer. I actually camped by Princeton in hunting season and didn’t like the hard ground and morning chill. Madigan and I shot some grouse. He actually fetched them which was a miracle. I’d only thrown a ball and bit and never trained him to do this. What a trooper. I enjoyed the ATV.

My back was a bother in Europe. I’d actually slipped hiking up Arthur’s seat.  I cracked my ipad but it remained usable . My back was no better and no worse. Just a daily strain despite 800 mg ibuprofen most days.  All summer it was made better by seeing the chiropractor every few weeks. I replaced my chair and that helped. I still need to replace the couch and mattress. I’m on my second mattress in the last few years. I’d have replaced the couch but the cat and dog have used it as their scratching board. After George and Gilbert died I was glad to have Madigan but hoped to add a cat so didb’t want a new couch if I was going to do that.   My place is cluttered.  

I was so glad to spend November in Yuma. I’d developed severe Sciatica before the drive down and could hardly stagger to the rest stop toilets with poor Madigan who had little exercise on that trip. Driving was fine but standing and walking were a near impossibility.

I’ve been doing back exercises for years and added more in Yuma. After the second week I was walking again and so enjoyed the visits to Algodones.  I bought purses for all the girls for Christmas given the incredible prices for leather goods.  I really enjoyed working virtual so that I paid for my time off and didn’t return to pay off Visa. I’m hoping to do the same next year.  

Now I’ve been back in Burnaby for December. We had the worst snow storm with severe freezing.  My waterlines and holding tank froze so I was days trying to empty my toilet tank.  Thankfully we had this time booked here so I’ve had relief for my back and am hopping that all the enzymes I left in the tank and the warming weather will relieve my toilet. Thankfully I had  another. I was glad to get the water running so was little inconvenienced except that I didn’t do the work I’d planned.

Now we’re here.  I’m ready novels and taking trips to the Hotsprings and walking the dog, picking up food at the restaurant to eat watching tv.  Pretty basic.  

I’ve had quieter thoughts not such a barrage of past trauma.  I dreamed of a charging hear last night but couldn’t find my gun.  I actually was charged by a black beat and shot it 6 times it’s snout almost at my crouch before it veered right and climbed a tree,  I had emptied the Ruger 30:06 and had to reload to shoot the last 2 shots in the spine in he tree.  I’d hit both lungs and the heart and it still went up the tree where my shot severed the spine. Then there was the charging moose I felled only yards in front of me, watching two bullets bounce off the horns before I had the opening in the throat which felled it at my feet.  

I worry I’m not aging gracefully .  Anxiety.  Impotence issues.  ED .  The unreliability of one’s own penis.  Will he or will he not?   We used to talk of the penis having a mind of it’s own.  Today it does still.  

I continue to struggle with gender identity and addiction. Is the future better as a trans woman given the Trudeau Castration of white men and euthanasia of the mentally ill.  I could become the celibate monk, I’ve been voluntarily celibate for a year when I was training spiritually.  Do I want to leave sexuality behind and become the monk. Is it time. I’m already the mystic, Druid, celtic Christian, with spirituality and sychronicity.  

I’m happy enough with Laura and Madigan. It’s only when I’m alone that I de masculinity. It’s an avoidance tactic.  I’m alone then   No one cares. I’m invisible old.

My back hurts,  I fear young punks,  I fear the government.  Having my life threatened seriously the last couple of years and the authorities were worse than useless. They are the enemy with their preference for criminals .

I don’t feel ready for the New Year, glad it’s coming. Looking forward to it but still uncertain about what is coming and what I’m doing.  Writer, Physician, traveller. I’m looking forward to my camper and parking in the woods by a lake so madigan can be off the leash.  

Thank you Jesus.  I loved Handel’s Messiah and the Hallelujah Choir.