I chipped a tooth pulling a screw driver head out of the holder. I couldn’t grasp it with my fingers. It wasn’t tight in. The chip was microscopic but I feel it with my tongue today. Reminder I’m still dumb. A nail chipped off too. The glue just let the acrylic go, I love how my nails are growing strong without my biting them.
Lydia said she had shellack on her nails and I wasn’t sure what she meant. Lovely orange pink. I’ve been wanting to ask her for PReP and estrogen. My two visits to HIM clinic one on David and the other on the Drive resulted in nothing. Turned away , too busy. I’m in limbo.
Thé same limbo exists with my camper. I’d be camping but Frazerway hasn’t completed the insured repair for the damage done when I hit the huge pothole hidden by the dust. I did get the undercarriage hitch repaired and fortified on the truck. I’d just like it done.
I was held hostage by a soldier who’d done years of combat. I survived. He told me he wanted to kill a psychiatrist. I realized immediately that I’d spent 20 years learning to heal and save lives while he’s spent that whole time learning to kill. I feel the same here with Frazerway. Their saleswoman has spent her whole life learning how to get advantage financially from people. She doesn’t know that we as doctors aren’t allowed to do that. We are restricted by society and for decades now we have been ‘nationalized’. Our income is as fixed so this Gr. 12 student or college drop out is able to play hard ball and ask me for an open cheque for them to go ahead and do the repairs claiming that the insurance quotes don’t cover the whole works. She insists it the ‘worst case scenario’ could be $20,000 or more. I say I can afford $5000. Then when there’s supposed to be a counter offer she ghosts me . We didn’t have our phone calls returned for weeks. I’ve been asking my insurance agent to speak to them to get this matter resolved and he says she ghosts him too and doesn’t seem to be at all reasonable. He says if she says $20000 it could be $40000. I am stuck . I was in charge of the dangerously insane and treated countless psychopaths and she is clearly the Amber Heard types. I’ve asked to speak with the manager or owner and she’s never allowed that. She is terribly sick. I am poor by comparison and find that as a good guy whose served all his life that people like this are always in time facing the karma of their mean spiritedness. They wander why they can’t have doctors or medical care but the young people are simply not willing to sacrifiée their lives as I have. They’re not sub specializing because there’ s no infrastructure to support subspecialization. Increasingly the health care system is nursing care. They get to see a person with three or four years training and little experience and less supervised experience compared to my dozen years of Olympic standard education supervision and at this point having seen 10,000 patients and helped them.
I prayed to God that I don’t want ‘vindication’. All my enemies have had horrid consequence. I began to think St. Michael was bodyguarding me but more rationally realize since I like most doctors are ‘good’ people. We do ‘right livelihood’ and we are here least paid when like me most who are interested in ‘business and wealth’ go to the US . The jobs I turned down were millions, positions at Stanford and Berkeley to take a UBC position so I could go camping and fishing and boating and enjoy the BC wilderness.
I keep asking now if this is a sign that God wants me to leave. The high costs and the gas costs all may Vancouver the least attractive place except for criminals an offshore elite.
Anyway I figure by the time someone is hurting me they have hurt a long list of people the most of who are simply not good or as nice as I am. I pray to be forgiving. The last businessman who ‘gouged’ me and I took it I learned was killed weeks later by bikers. The other fellow who hurt me developed cancer. I can’t help but believe people who are narcissistic and greedy despite believing they are themselves just caring for their children like most of the evil of the world do to justify their banality, face the karma that comes. You simply don’t abuse doctors in a pandemic and medieval emergency you. She might well be a drunk or an addict. The only judge I had difficulty with in the years I served in the courts was a terrible drunk and addict. I look at Justin Trudeau and he has a long history of addiction before and during his political life. Again that stuff catches up.
I wake now with these thoughts on my mind. I am seeing patients all day and rather than addressing their insanity and my own because they go together I’m dealing with this bully in my personal life.
I told my ex wife I could go to work and help a hundred people with mental illness and addiction but I can’t take care of her mental illness and addiction . I can’t do both. I left her and divorced because she refused to get treatment for her mental illness and addiction. Now I »m here feeling I can’t work and deal with this person who all day long is thinking how to screw a doctor. It makes me want to put on a dress. So many women in the work place have been working out their issues by feeling righteous about fighting with men. Look at me I’ve got a gold star because I was a bitch and pissed on a Canadian man today. Canadian men are collectively demoralized and suffering because of elite rich organizations like Frazerway and their swaggering employees.
I’m naturally off to the self pity side of the street. My go to place. I’ve already planned to leave Canada and considered heading east to get in my sailboat and sail away. I just don’t think my patients would be happy that I leave. I’m past retirement age. I can continue to do my work another five years but I cvan’t with this woman being as bad as other psyvhopath women I’ve encountered in my life carrying over hate from their husbands to their workplace. It’s disruptive. She is sexist. I’m old and she’s no longer young so grieving her halcyon days of being attractive while today she’s overweight and let herself go addicted to money and greed to make up for lost love and lost respect. Low life. Of course I speculate and none of this is true. We dehumanize and straw dog our oponents to make them less like us. She’s not anymore a sinner. My mind is the enemy. God has some plan here.
I think I should hire a lawyer but that’s another open ended cost. War and the world. It’s just this is going on as a siege. 9 month and Frazerway has delayed action till I’m here in the camping season, the little good weather we have in Canada and they’re withholding the tool I paid them $50,000 to have. I bought it from them. 3 years ago with all thee promises they have broken. I may just get the tent and motorcycle and dog and go camping or rent a cabin somewhere. I can’t work and deal with psychopaths. I van’s help my patients who are not a piece of cake to those around them. The addicts I’m helping get off drugs and alcohol have a lot of damages they have to make up for when they’re clean and sober. The prisoners I helped get back on their feet have a lot of amends to make. Yet here I’m facing likely someone who is like them doing damage now because of their illness. I’ve helped so many and helped their destruction come to an end but in AA and the 12 steps they’re supposed to make amends. So few made money amends like I once did. This makes me question the very idea of charity and goodness. Her business model is ‘dog eat dog’ and ‘profit’ and ‘vonsumerism’ what Hare called the sociopath model of the corporation. I should stop helping people and use my skills to kill . There’s far more money in this world killing and taking advantage of people. I could go work for Trufeau’s euthanasia machine. There’s a hell of a lot more money in that. Trudeau epitomizes the wealth in deceit, unethical behaviour and abusing others. This is his world. I sometimes think of suicide in a Buddhist sort of way when I am faced with these impossible demands. I must remember that her life is shallow and deeply unwillingly anorgasmic and so shallow that she hurts people like me. She’s a nazi. That’s a communist mindset. That banality of evil that Arendt spoke of . Lives of quiet desperation. The sad thing is that I have treated so many businessmen, many who have become multimillionaires and they have all told me that they have been successful as businessmen by not hurting people. Return customers and finding a reasonable solution a appealing to both. But she says $20,000 and more and I say $5000 and then she gaslights and ghosts. I desperately sick person who will not know love. I have asked to speak with her manager or the owner as that’s to be done before I contact a lawyer or the Better Business Bureau or makes signs and sit outside the Frazerway ‘You want to know why you can’t get a doctor, because we are tied up by low life shit. ‘. Canada is a third world country. It no longer protects it’s sub specialists. I see the young doctors getting MD and LLB or MD and Bus Admin degrees. We did our due diligence as doctors but society has fallen. We can’t depend upon business and have to use our big brains to protect ourselves from barbariand. Rome has fallen Trudeau is in charge. This is the spiritual war going on.
It’s what RD Laing called a ‘knot’. I’m supposed to learn from this. I’m right back in that hostage situation knowing that I devoted my life to healing so this is now in God’s hands. I’ve simply got to surrender and pray.
I have to give thanks too that I’m not suffering like most of the old people in Canada’s whose pensions have been stolen by Trudeau and who are facing worsening poverty due to the inflation that is the mismanagement of the economy and waste and corruption that is Trudeau. Those on fixed incomes tell me they van’s afford meat and the tea and toast elderly are a thing of the present in Trudeau Canada. Thank you God for my Cadillac problem, the issue of camping and having a holiday from work and the city The reason I’m living in BC is camping. I took the job at UBC rather than Stanford for the camping but now that I’m old and the price of gas makes the wilderness too costly to enjoy I really have to think about leaving here. That’s what 10’s of thousands or a hundred thousand have done in the last year. I was offered a job in Costa Rica an another recruiter is asking me to come to Ontario. I’ve always had offers to leave but I’ve friends and work and frankly just do the next right thing and as long as I feel safe I keep working but I’m feeling under attack. I feel that this person who represents this company is saying she wants me dead. She loves money more than people. I am lost and even now just want to crawl back to bed . I’m in a flashback with my addicted ex wife who won’t go to treatment and instead goes off to get more cocaine . I feel that same helpless hopeless feeling like I do when I see the nauseating facile face of stupid Trudeau the greatest fool Canada has ever known. Must be like when King George III with his syphilitic brain was in charge of England and they lost AMerica.
I’m too old for this shit. I’m tired. I’ve worked so long and hard and like everyone I know we’re tired and we just want to go camping.
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