It’s cloudy with blue sky. I enjoyed seeing some preparing to go onward with their journey. Felt jealous. I’ve so loved expeditions and adventures. I am hoping my camper will be repaired and I can continue with the plans. I’m hoping for a month in the south this year. One day I’d like to travel the southern US with the motor home. Alternatively I could put it in storage and just travel with the camper.
I like the idea of hunting in the fall. There’s a certain seasonal routine. Cammo dress. Like the summer the summer used to be sailing dress and swim suits. Winter ski wear. Now I’m hoping to add a southern season to the routine. In a way I think each day and month I work is good. I really don’t want to stop but want very much to have a long vacation. I so enjoyed Europe but that was driven by schedule and expensive. I prefer a leisurely camping travel and a few months open ended. I don’t mind and would like the continued workcation , virtual work.
I’m happy with the gender adventure. Like acting. The parts we played and tried to maintain off the stage to achieve greater authenticity. The insights into self. I’m really coming to terms with my own judgemental nature. I see myself the way I see others.
I talked to a woman who was glad she didn’t have children and didn’t want to bring children into this world. I’m sure there’s more to it. I wonder if I would have had a child if I was a woman. I don’t imagine I’d have an abortion but do know I’d use birth control. I admired the women that had children but feel short changed. So often the women had children with bad guys and here I was a good guy , protector , provider, and loyal until late in the relationships. 7 years itch. I wondered where was the child and why weren’t we having one as I realized the princess was glad to be the little girl as long as I was daddy. I don’t know what all that was about.
I was considering predestination and god’s will. This incarnation I was not to have children. I certainly cared for a lot of other peoples children and served a lot of families. Yet here I am single with a girlfriend and a dog liking encreasingly to wear dresses. I imagine in the south I’d have less desire to wear dresses and be happy with shorts and sarong and tshirt. That was my life in Mexico that year. I wonder about going back.
I have at different stages in my life had challenges. Being a dancer. Being a martial artist. Writing poetry Bicycling across Europe. Becoming an intellectual. Being learned. Becoming a doctor. Being a country gp and rodeo doctor. Being a flyin doctor with Northern Medical Unit. Doing community medicine and public health. Graduating psychiatry. I did marriage. I did marriage again. I published a lot of articles. I played guitar and performed in coffeehouses and bars. I had started out in surgery and ended as a psychiatrist. I trained as a psychoanalytic psyvhotherapist and a hypnotherapist. I then became accomplished in psychopharmacology . I learned to be an off shore blue water sailor and ships captain. I trained in navigation, diesel mechanics and sailed to Alaska and down to Mexico for a year. I snorkeled an spear fished. Later I’d become an accomplished rescue scuba diver. I’d be an island doctor in the Marianas, I loved acquiring skills and having accomplishments.
Unable to deal with my ex wife’s addictions and mental illness as well as work in that field I became clean and sober and remained as such. Another divorce. I survived her attempts to kill me and us and her attempts to ruin me and all her lies and deceit. I had this penchant for women who had such incredible anger at their mothers and their fathers. The mothers hated their husbands and the rot was passed along. I survived that. I returned to work. I survived the sexual abuse and lies by my mentor in residency and the betrayal by his friend my therapist. I survived their evil.
I was blessed by Christians and my own Christianity saved me from the ruthlessness of the unwashed. I really was paranoid for a year as I stayed sober and went to AA and struggled to deal with the evil. Now I have some concerns as the evangelical Christians tried to exorcise the devil in me, that change that occurred with sexual abuse. I felt this anima growing in me They don’t accept homosexuality. I asked the Christian medical association about it but they’re now ‘praying at my back,’. I just don’t want to go to a nunnery and don’t want to marry and have kids. Theoretically I’m supposed to go to the third world and take a wife and have children as a good Christian.
I wonder about sex addiction and yet I don’t see the process addictions the same way as I see the chemical addiction. Gambling might be an exception but I don’t accept the culturally gynocentric sex addiction position. Nonetheless they don’t judge homosexuality as sinful. By gay standards I’m the least sex addicted. I ve done decades of ‘fasting’ from alcohol and drugs. I’ve become a sub specialist in addiction medicine. I enjoyed those goals .
I even pursued a masters in divinity/Christian studies and ultimately religious studies with comparative religions. I’ve been a yogi disciple and meditated with the benedictines and been a member of churches since childhood doing various service positions.But each time I had a goal and challenge.
I am pleased that I survived covid. The goals and challenges have been to survive persecution or to meet a challenge. Sailing San Francisco Hawaii 2004 solo through winter hurricanes was a challenge. I also motorcycled to Sturges and Back some 5000 km over a few weeks . I published a couple of poetry books and a psychiatry and addiction clinical perspective book. I was on a couple of boards. I continued to work and serve in my community. I continue to attend church and AA. I’ve met the requirements of continuing education, the Royal college MOCOMP requirements. I’m doing maintenance.
I’ve hunting big game shooting 30 something deer, 3 bear, 8 moose, elk and countless birds. I’ve become a chef and wild game chef. I’ve done the male and female roles .
I have the idea that I’d like to complete the 3 books I’ve started.
I have the desire to work from the south.
I’m considering a sex change as the next adventure . I met the gender dysphoria criteria. I’ve been cross dressing for decades. When I was with a man I wasn’t attracted to him but I did like how he made me feel more a woman. I believe that’s telling. I don’t wish to be the ‘top’ person anymore. I chased and bedded women . I initiated sex forever. I faced all the marital emotional baggage later wives brought. I was cuckolded. I was neglected. I remember the last marriage when months went by without sex and she didn’t notice or care much more interested in drug and foods and clothes. The whole shopping addiction is the foreplay issue that competes with the masturbation completion.
Now I’m in a kind or limbo. Moving forward slowly. I’m actually rather blessed. There’s no crisis in my personal life and I’m kind of paddling forward doing the breast stroke. Waiting for death in some ways but not believing it’s any time soon. I’ve Maslow’s physiological needs met but lack the certainty of relationship. I’ve simply not had anyone care that I have sex in relationships. I married with the idea that I’d give up chasing for home cooking and for months at a time the spiteful resentful angry women would withhold and do passive aggressive gaslighting manipulative shit. Always acting out their aggression in the bed room and leaving me to mind read what’s the issue of the month. Then the bipolar swings would go and sex would occur again and I would want to be moslem with several wives and understand how the men who had mistresses for back up are like me to day with a car and a motorcycle. In my office I’d hear all this muddle too and nothing about duty or reciprocity or accountability. Just emotional slums . Meanwhile the bad men and the pimps and the sex addicts were working the room and they were getting the girls into all manner of sexual novelty by playing hard to get and jealousy games. Inducing love addiction.I just wanted a partner and children at one time.Now I want to explore the female self and surrender.
Today I enjoy my friend Laura and remain open and available. As long as I can wear women’s clothes which say I’m not ‘normal’ I seem happy. There’s the kundalini and the erotic world. I feel more alive in panties than stanfields. I don’t have spontaneous erections. I can’t rely on my erection as I did younger. They come and go and definitely respond to viagra. This friend that used to greet lovers hard just looking across the room is now only responsive to touch and tongue. I still have morning hard ons but don’t sustain erections and my back hurts. It’s like it’s lazy. I don’t want to depend on it.
My erogenous zones were limited to the penis once but today I feel erogenous all over, breasts and anus and penis and just feeling my body caressed is evocative. I imagine myself a lesbian in a male body. I’m bisexual but really xeno phobic. My fantasy world is full of girl romance themes but in person when men have come on to me I’ve invariably shied away and been frightened.
I’m not frightened of sex with women but frankly can’t imagine anything new and am more than satisfied with my friend though feel that I could be aroused by a stranger but feel after a year or decade I’d be dealing with the same issues. I believe I know love and love.
What to do when they feel that I’m ‘safe’. Good men finish last. It’s such a dichotomy. If the husband is the father of the children then clearly that bond is sufficient. But when there’s just a couple the whole sexual matter is pleasure based and fun without judgement. If anything I like the LGBT community and transexuals especially because they’re thinking outside the box. Feminists ignore the centrality of children and family but I am an individual and individuality calls to me after a life of service,
I think of a road trip. I really want the camper for that. The dog and I ,like Travels with Charlie or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle. I imagine completing the books though there’s nothing stopping me now. Instead of journaling I could be focussed on writing the novels and texts. The issue is dialogue. I could set a three hour writing goal and focus on that complettng a book a month . I expect I could publish too though in the past the idea of reward was a consideration. I don’t know about that now. There’s so much writing . I even have tried my hand at erotica and other genre’s with the consideration making money writing in retirement.
It’s just that doing my work seems sufficiently lucrative now and though I am pretty certain I can get by adequately. Before I worked as service but now I’m continue to work to pay bills, I still do good work but I’m not driven. I’m not as focused or devoted.
I’m not ready to take the leap of retirement. . It would be different if I had a book written. But when I launched a book I had no real interest in marketting but if I was travelling I could certainly do that. I’d like dress up and meet the writer au femme . My successes in the past were audrab. I did sail in bikini’s changing once I left port. I hunted in cammo skirts. I have so long worn bras and panties under my suits as so many heterosexual cross dressers do. Yet I fear my ‘image’ as the alpha male is tied to my appeal. Again the shame and judgement
I am coasting now. I really do consider these Cadillac problems. I’ve sufficient identity and continue to come out in ways. That’s perhaps the adventure. Coming out. I joined WPATH again. I’m talking to colleagues about health care as I’m embarking on a medical journey. So many have gone before. It’s not space flight.
Thank you God for this day. Thank you God for Madigan. Thank you God for all your blessings. Thank you for sobriety. Thank you for spirituality.thank you for this day. Thank you for fresh air. Thank you for Laura, thank you for humor. Thank you for identity and character and challenges and goals. Maslow put purpose beyond selfactualization. Guide me to my new purpose. Thank you for Billie and Amber.Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
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