May

May is the month of sunshine and warmth.  April showers are past.  I want to go camping. I think Sun Dresses.  Seeing them even wearing them. Most I  enjoy the young bouncing and flouncing. The winter clothing challenges the aging body.  I’m longing for the lightness of being. My spirit is gay and my ideas range to all manner of activities. I dream activity. But I wake and my body aches. Not so much as to limit the age appropriate things.  But there is no way I’m going to wear a sun dress or twerk.  Im not going to climb a mountain today. I’m not going to be a soldier either.  I’m divided into lover and fighter and fear the fighter is gone.  There’s still some energy left for lover. I divide these into gender as well.  I look back on a life of fighting for good against evil.  Saving and protecting women and children.

I could be bear hunting but why. I once wanted to shoot big game and eat wild meat. I’ve done my share. Now I think I need to eat more fish and vegetable.  That’s aging.  

I’m thinking of trading in my big electroglide Harley for a Street Bob. The latter is lighter and has more versatility. I bought the big bike to drive to Sturges. I did that 5000 km roundabout trip and loved it. I did some more long distance camping trips and loved it. I have a vespa and I like that. It’s simply functional and  gets me where I’m going.  I’ve a truck and camper.  Even though I think I’d like a truck without the long box , the truck and camper are better camping than the motorcycle and pup tent. Older I like comfort and even  luxury.  

I’ve always been with beautiful women who liked bubble baths lotions, and scents.  They’ve spent hours each day give or take pampering. My psychoanalytic instructor called that  preening female masturbation.  Self love. A world of wankers.  I was always au hombre functional mode. I don’t even relax for long on a beach. If I’m not deep in meditation or reading I’m caring for someone. Not so much anymore. My marriage was drone bee and queen.  Always I sexually served the mostly passive judgmental complaining orgasmic woman. I was the classic top.  I wanted her to be pleased. I wanted to please her. I wanted her not to be angry or moody or depressed. I’d lived so long in the world of attitudes and passive aggression and manipulations and rolled eyes. .  I just did whatever to get the knives out of my heart. When she was sated sexually she could go back to sleep and I could get back to the garage. I loved the garage as much as I was criticized by her for spending my time there. I loved making things. I loved later writing.  So I bought her things and threw money at her and tried to keep her happy because she was always unhappy like their mothers, always critical of me. Their mothers were the same.  Now I think it’s identification with the agressor.

I’d rather go to the nail salon that hike about the woods with a rifle looking to kill a bear. I killed bear . I ate bear. I really enjoyed climbing mountains and hauling game back to the truck.  Now I’m happy to sit in the hot tub. I love jacuzzis.  I love healing hot springs.  At some level I’ve nothing to prove. I’m good with God. God is good all of the time. Now I say I work to give my dog a good life.

I’m thinking of trading my heavy sniper 300 winmag rifle and long distance  in. I gave away my American RugerMini 11 because Testicless Trudeau outlawed that rifle but allowed the Canadian and Israeli semi autos. I miss the rifle and load. I liked target practicing and shooting rabbits with that rifle. I don’t plan to shoot game long range any more. I’ve no need of a rifle that shoots 800 yards. I’d be exhausted walking to the kill, let alone getting it back to the truck. I’ve my deer rifle. It’s shot 90 % of my big game and will do. I like the 300 win mag as back up but a 223 as back up will do.  The irony is the American rifle Testicless Trudeau outlawed took 223.  The other rifles all take NATO 5.56 load which is not really for hunting but Testicless Trudeau doesn’t outlaw those rifle. It’s just money.  I don’t really need to do that. I can target practice with a 22.   But that’s where my mind goes on default, the resentment and how to get a lighter rifle I might use more than the back up.  I also considered an over under 306 or 3030 and 20 gauge. I’m always looking for the one stop shopping, the bird and deer gun the city and country bike,etc.

I think about a lighter smaller RV. I think about a lighter smaller Boat. My mind is on minimalization and lightening up. I took things to the storage locker where I see I could easily downsize but I don’t want to be indoors going through a locker. I did that a couple of years ago and went from two lockers to one. Most of the locker is office related and seasonal clothing and such.  I miss Mexico where I had shorts and a sarong and t shirts and only spear fished. I loved spear fishing though worried about sharks. I should fish more. ‘I’Ve been saying that for the last three or four years having bought several little inflatable fishing boats over the years with the idea of trolling in mind.  I loved ocean fishing but lack thepatience for floating about on a lake or even casting now.

I like partridge hunting with the 20 gauge riding about on the Honda ATV.

I actually liked ocean fishing because I could travel from island to island at 3 knots trolling and catch salmon and ling cod while going from anchorage to anchorage. I loved the autopilot , drinking coffee, tanning, sightseeing  and reading while I was travelling and fishing. I’d like to drag a line behind the motorcycle or car and catch something equivalent , maybe rabbits and have food when I stopped.

I imagine the western days with riding horses and shooting a deer from the saddle with the 30:30 rifle and then roasting steak by the campfire. Today I’d rather be served steak in a fine restaurant. 

I missed church.  I walked the dog and put on sweats to go outside. Dressing is a challenge. When I got back home I dropped the sweats and got comfortable in underwear and tshirt.  Boyshorts the girls call them. Stanfields is what guys call them.  I wouldn’t walk outside in underwear but if there was a delivery I wouldn’t necessarily pull on the sweats. Mostly I would but I haven’t cared to get the pizza in underwear.  Mom always wanted us to have clean underwear.  That’s why I liked Mexico. The sailing shorts and t shirt or sarong an t. Shorts or sarong  covered every occasion, being on the boat, dock, beach or even dining out at night. I never had to worry about covering my ass but rather I had to remember the tshirt and sandals because of the no shirt no shoes no service beach establishment signs.  No signs for no bottoms.

I was raised on stoicism.  I’m now more epicurean. I did a few intermittent years of hedonism, after a couple of divorces , descending into weekends of partying but mostly I still climbed hills, did kayaking and lots of time alone with the dog and a tent and a rifle or fishing rod.  I worked with people all week and weekends I liked to get away and admittedly I liked female company so I skied and danced and did all those things that led to a wonderful night in bed . Sex was great. Mostly  I liked one person.I had had a best friend.  Dog and girl.  

I don’t have any desire for winter. I don’t like going out . I don’t want to encounter crisis and danger. Even yesterday I almost caused an accident letting my mind wander on a motorcycle.  If I’m not concentrating I’m dead.  I liked Covid.  Delivery and pick up food. I got into a habit of staying home.  Dressing the way I liked. Casual. Working on the computer, meeting neighbours causally.  Retirement age and the world around it is like high school summer breaks.  There’s not a sense of upward mobility or competition. Most are trying to get by with what they are.

I never thought I’d live long enough to retire.  I did all the dangerous assignments.  I lived a full life.

I’m okay now.  If I had a garage I’d be building again.  I might have to get back into more little projects. Or take another course. I have books to complete but procrastinate. I could go swimming.  I think I’ll make another coffee and lie down and read.

Thank you God for this all, the mundane, rather effete, no work Sunday. A day of rest.  It is that. Last night watching tv and eating pizza.  I expect I’ll have an inspiration again. Theses doldrums pass.  I would be glad for sun and I could lie outside and read. It’s still sort of drizzly.  

Meanwhile Elon Musk Bought Twitter.  Russia wars with Ukraine making billions for arms dealers and innovation. Nothing like coming up with better ways to kill each other gets the creative juices going.  More erotic romance novels are being sold The pressure on men is seen in the viagra sales.  I had a yoghurt and Cliff protein bar for breakfast.  An identity change would give new purpose. I’m coasting now.  Covid took the wind out of the sales.  Meaning and purpose need to be explored.

 Yes to know God, to love God and love my neighbour as myself.  It’s okay. I’m doing okay.  Travel and writing is fun.  I’m looking forward to that.  Swimming in a lake is fun. I haven’t got down to the beach in years and might consider that.  I have lots to explore locally. Even dog parks.  My puppy likes riding on the back of motorcycle and motorscooters.  

Time to read. 

Chickendinner last week

  

He got his vaccination and tick and flea meds yesterday