Dispatches

I am still here. The sun is shining this morning so there’s hope. Yesterday was cold and gloomy.  Canada’s government in Ottawa is still morbidly stupid, arrogant and foolish. Swab and the WEF Communist New World Order progresses. I read the news and fear for possessions.  The little money I’ve worked so hard to save sits in the bank and I imagined it would help me when the government theft of pensions left me destitute in older age. Silly.  Today is sunny.  Carpe Diem. Shanananananaa live for today. Don’t worry about tomorrow……I used to smoke dope and live in a womb. ….I was a Boy Scout and learned the motto ‘be prepared’.  I know the rich get richer and the crap game is rigged for the bullies and takers. I even know that my go to place is ‘self pity’.  Right now I continue to be bullied by Frazerway RV.  It helps me have empathy with all my patients similarly bullied these days by government and busiesses.  I suspect Trudeau’s incompetence and greed is tied to his drug addiction. I help people who have drug addiction and I was addicted to tobacco and abused alcohol. It’s nearly 25 years I’ve not had a smoke or drunk alcohol.  25 years without altering consciousness with chemicals.  I’ve lived this life on life’s terms.

Today the sun is shining. What a little thing that is but it uplifts my spirit. I love the light. My eyes no longer see clearly in the dark. My vision requires glasses. My hearing is less and I’m using hearing aids more.  

I spoke to Lydia about my back.  Getting up in the morning was like have knives stabbed in my lumbar spine. She looked at the X-ray.  “Other than the fracture and a little narrowing it’s a very good spine. You have a very good looking spine.”  I thought of Schwarzenegger in the moving where the alien hunters tear the spine out of their human victims.  “You need to do more stretching.  Stretch in bed before getting up. Like a cat.”  I ‘d actually not heard this and really appreciated it. I had been getting out of bed and doing stretches but now am stretching before I stand. I tried it this morning and it worked.  That the intuitive wisdom of a good doctor.  I’d heard the same from my colleague from U of Manitoba. I was reading the book on death and denial and the story of the girl with back pain which turned out to be metastatic concern got under my skin. I’m becoming hysterical.  “I’m going to the chiropractor.”  ‘That’s good,” she said, Here’’s this site called ‘spine-health.com’ I find it very helpful’.  I checked it out and it really was helpful. I’ve actually ordered a book of exercise.  

I did Tai Chi for several years and my back pain was completely relieved and the relief lasted several years later. I’ve grown fat with covid and lazy too, just surviving with the work and isolation.

I was considering a sex change too. At least getting hormones and breast implants. Too old for surgical genital operations and feeling self castration is probably just a reaction to the Canadian government’s propaganda.  I don’t think I’m aging that gracefully. I’m whining.  Lydia told me that her husband had the expression ‘man up’ when it came to doing the things he had to do. I’ve been swimming. Last year I was stretching and doing sit ups daily.  It’s time to stop moaning and looking for magic bullets. I probably was hoping for Lydia to say, you’re too sick to do anything but lie on the couch and watch Netflix till you die shortly. Maybe push the fringerator closer so you won’t have to get up to get your snacks.

Madigan my cockapoo physiotherapist has been walking me four times a day.  

I imagine my desire to be female is a reaction of resentment to the heavy lifting I did au drab.  All that life saving work and all that manly years of provider and protector and now our PM rewards criminals by taking the guns of non criminals and gives our pensions to his cronies and welfare recipients transferring to rewards of long hard work to the non workers.  Laura and I know people who never work always complain work the system live in apartments and on social media and do volunteer work for political parties that say ‘give to the poor, ie themselves’ and I’m seeing inflation and savings being attacked. Trudeau actually froze bank accounts of his political enemies and stole their money.  Nothing is safe in Canada under this tyrant.  

I read a promise, “fear of economic insecurity will leave us’.  Yet here I am again not turning it over to God, not surrendering. Fearing when I should have faith.  

My back hurts. I can’t be a soldier. I can’t stand through a surgery. I hear daily so many people hurting so much worse than me and I don’t have any answer because the theft and betrayal is by a government I have never supported.  The socialism communism is not my idea of the meritocracy I believe in.  

Meanwhile I resist retirement partly because I’m enjoying my life though you’d never know it with my whining and complaining but there’s the fear that when I can’t work the government will make me homeless.  I imagine that a woman can survive better than a man because I can’t fight any more and men are attracted more than old ladies. Old ladies seem to be left alone. I feel no lone will care for me and I feel my dog still needs me.  I cant’ save because any money I put in the bank could be taken by Trudeau or Krause. I have hidden gold but know I don’t trade and barter. I served my life saving lives and even know I’m being beat up and bullied by Frazerway RV who clearly have sharp business practices and take advantages of people. I imagine if I was a Hell’s Angel or someone like them I’d not be bullied now. But I’ve been a doctor and given equal care who have come my way whereas I’d refuse to treat Frazerway RV if I was like them spiritually, narcissists and soul suckers.  I imagine that I want to be a woman because my ex partner so often lay dead for ever when I licked their clitoris pleasuring them and they demanded worship and never said thank you’ll

I don’t find much graciousness in the world.  That’s communism.  The godless lack manners and couth. I’ve been too long among the uncivilized and wish I could be where work and contribution gained respect and unethical little girl abuser bastards whose brains are mush didn’t get to rule. I’d like to see the rot in Denmark removed. I ‘d like to see the old treated better .  

I’m actually rather blessed.  I’ve got sufficient resources . Today is sunny.  Practicing the Presence of God.  This is the day of my life.  Nothing is certain about tomorrow or the next minute. Gratitude. An attitude of gratitude is necessary.  Graciousness begins here. I’m thankful to God for the sun, for the air, for the Cadillac problems for the pain that says I’m alive, for the possibilities, tor the future for the countless blessings. Thank you Lord for Madigan. Thank you for Laura. Thank you for my colleagues. Thank you for my neighbors. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for all the blessings. Thank you for clothes and tech. Thank you for the flowers of spring. Thank you for the little dogs. Thank you for the novels and stories and internet and Netflix.Thank you for work. Thank you for all the positives I take for granted. Thank you for my nephews and great nephews and the god kids. Thank you for piercings and tattoos.  

Thank you Lord Jesus. Guide me and help me find my purpose and meaning again. Show me what it is you want of me at this age.

Spreading the ashes of Gilbert George and Tiffany 

Walking with Laura and Madigan