Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Why I Shouldn't Kill Myself

1. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
2. It's what my enemies would want me to do.
3. My soul could end up in a worse place than where I am now.
4. Life may be a series of adventures and challenges and I may have to return and face the challenge of today all over again.
5. My cat would miss me.
6. My mother in heaven would be pissed at the wasted effort she put into birthing me and I squandered the gift of life.
7. God might be pissed that I couldn't wait till he got around to killing me himself.
8. Suicide is about childish ego wanting to be in control. Life is a roller coaster ride and if you open your eyes you can scream 'weeeeee' and get through whatever shit is coming down.
9. It's all in your head.
10. If you kill yourself others will follow your lead.
11. We're all in this together and you'd be letting down your form.
12. If you're alive life has been 51% positive and you're focussing on the 49% negative so cognitively you need to get some gratitude going and see your glass is more than half full but your perception sucks.
13. Happiness is substracted by resentments and fears so you probably should let go of all that baggage of hostility and anxiety and then you'd preferring living and dying.
14. If you put as much time into thinking about living as you do into thinking about dying you'd not want to kill yourself.
15. You won't see what happens next.
16. You'd probably make a mess of it. Most suicides are botched badly. People blow away their faces but live , jump from high buildings and bounce off side walks and live in wheel chairs, swallow acid and live with stomach bypasses, take overdoses of pills but live with severe heart disease. Even the best laid plan of suicide has failed and most people who have a near death experience want to live after it so why not focus on life first.
17. Depression is a wholly treatable condition so one should never kill themselves because they're depressed. It would be like saying I've got a cold so I'll kill myself.
18. Pain is a wholly treatable condition so again killing myself because of pain would be like saying I'm going to kill myself because my doctor doesn't know how to treat pain.
19. Killing myself would leave extra work for others and cleaning up the body would put other people out. Most suicide is selfishness so if people weren't so selfish in the first place , thought of others and served others more then they wouldn't have to suicide. At least think about cleaning up the mess and not just leaving your body around dead somewhere for someone else to deal with. That's kind of a metaphor for a lot of people's lives who suicide because while some of looking for help others are just plain mean and angry and suicide as a kind of social terrorism. It would probably be better to take political action or legal action rather kill yourself.
20. Religions almost collectively say suicide isn't rewarded and those who have had a near death experience as a result of suicide compared with those who had a near death experience as a result of accidental mayhem say that the suicidal after life experience said to them suicide was wrong.
21. You may kill yourself and find you needed your body and get stuck hanging around disembodied until the 'time' for your death occurred anyway. You may want things your way but the whole universe may have a different agenda and schedule than my little pee brain can comprehend.
21. Killing yourself may be a way where you end up slave to ghost sucking creatures from the 13th dimension who live as insectoid hive creatures who take suicidal human souls to be their sex slaves for eternity. But sex isn't anything like what we think it is to these slime mould beings.
22. You could kill yourself and the idea of you getting what you want in the universe mean that you don't get to have the cherry pie and ice cream that is the reward for putting up with government on earth and listening to television commercials and growing old and and being in pain. You just cease to exist and everyone else ends up getting the reward and forgetting about you because you couldn't be bothered to wait till the end of the movie and find out that Brad Pitt stole your identity and you get to have his life as your life all over again because God is humble and admits to making a terrible mistake and makes his amends to you and the government admits they made a tax mistake and they give back all the money they took because they never deserved it because they did such a shitty job building bombs and spreading paranoia rather than making spaceships and finding ways to cure all disease and world poverty. And if you'd just waited another year you would have found out that you were a caterpillar and really would have become a butterfly and had the capacity to fly and it didn't happen because you're dead. If I live I may fly without wings or machines but just by levitation and mind over matter and the power of love. If I kill myself I won't fly.
23. If I kill myself I may wake up and have to pay for wrecking a still functioning body and be blacklisted from entering the Earth bar and never get to drink or do earth again and yet be paying in some other dimension for all that unused life experience.
24. If I kill myself I would hurt my friends and family.
25. If I kill myself my tropical fish and my plants might suffer more.
26. If I kill myself my soul might go to a place where they re educate errant backward souls and I'd have to listen to my kindergarden teacher again and have her pulling down my pants on any whim and lustily dirty mindedly spanking my barebottom with her twisted perverted little mind and go to the principals office where this black suited tie wearing authority with power and pride and right would whip little boys with lust. And in this perpetual nightmare all these hypocrites who couldn't control their own behaviour would tell me how wrong or bad or misguided or erroneous I was and how I the kid made them misbehave as adults though they'd never admit their own glaring faults or acknowledge that time proved them wrong over and over again and still I would hear their sanctimoneous self righteous voices drone on and on and I'd have nowhere to escape to because I'd already used up my one suicide escape card.
27. I could kill myself and wake up in a world of even stupider more murderous and self righteous people gluttonous greedy and bullying but before such people were taught to bathe regularly and wash their clothes.
28. I could kill myself and find it didn't work but I kept replaying to the same spot and having to realize that suicide was an illusion and then I'd be in this really frightening roller coaster ride called life without a personal escape pod or fall back plan.
29. I could kill myself and find a loving God who was really sorry I didn't like the horror movie of a life that he'd let me write even though he told me I wouldn't like it the way I wrote it and he'd sit down with me again and we'd go back and write a different life and I'd suicide on that one too and find out that I'd been doing this with God thousands of times because it was really just about me wanting it my way and I was too afraid to trust so I never found out that there was pie and ice cream and a green room celebration called the bardot at the end of this life or we all got harps and wings and sang in the heavenly choir and Jesus came and walked with us through the garden of eden and I got to have Brad Pitt's life because God finally admitted he made a terrible mistake.
30. I killed myself and I didn't wait to be asked to join the research team that reversed aging and made this body 17 again and immune to all disease and could travel through space and in another galaxy I met a soul mate who was just like me and fell in love and had puppies instead of children and there were no pick up your dogs shit in that world because dogs shit butterflies.
31. I killed myself and I missed out on being summoned to give my report on what was wrong with earth and how that report was going to be paid millions but I never delivered it so I just died instead like an unripe fruit that fell from the tree to rot on the ground.
32. I killed myself and found I needed to piss and didn't have my body to piss so was stuck in eternity as a soul needing a piss.
33. I came back as a baby and had to start all over again because I got it wrong.

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