“The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour and it worked all through the dough.” Matthew 13:33
Heaven is not something without. It is within. It is within. I also believe it is hope.
“Anyone who is among the living has hope - even a live dog is better off than a dead lion.” Ecclesiastes 9:4
Today I will have hope. Faith is the opposite of fear. Hope is the opposite of despair. I will not psych myself out. I will not think myself into a hole. Rather I will trust in God and pray. I will meditate. I will love though God knows I have reason to fear and reason to fear. I will be totally illogical and believe in today. I will block out the negative and focus on the positive. I will thank the Lord for all the blessings and look to the light. Darkness is always around but it is the light that shines on the path. I will find my Way. I will be with God in all endeavours.
“Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lack and caught all kinds of fish. When it was full, the fishermen pulled it up on the shore. Then they sat down and collected the good fish in baskets and threw the bad away. This is how it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come and separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Matthew 13:47
I would like to think of the fisherman separating the good thoughts from the bad thoughts. The thoughts of negativity, of envy, of pride, of fear, of hatred and resentment from the thoughts of love, purity, rejoicing and faith. I would like to think the good fish that are kept are the feelings, thoughts and memories of all that is right and truth. All else is removed and thrown back into the sea. But then in the end, it is only the pure and good that remains.
But ‘throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’, well thats barbaric. And yet, the lizard and nasty animal in me are that which I’m letting go of. I’m moving forward from the primitive to the eclessiastical, from the base to the pure, from the self centred to agape.
I don’t want to live my life in fear of a Dante Hell. “weeping and gnashing of teeth’ sort of place. Yet that’s the image. I can’t all that well politically correct it into a child’s vision of reality like the liberals always do, making their world a sanitized television place with lots of editing. I on the other hand must face reality but the kingdom of heaven is within and the yeast is love. And God is love. So I continue to believe that I can’t ‘force’ someone to choose. We live or we die. We walk to the light or away.
But who would want to choose ‘weeping and gnashing of teeth’ or a ‘fiery furnace’.
Elsewhere I’ve had the thought that this image is tied to the inner revelation of truth rather than a Dante Hell. Hell is that experience of the ego being utterly wrong, that the false god is realized as false and the fire has been called the ‘refiner’s fire. I don’t know where that potter’s passage is. But I don’t have to be PC and stupidly liberal ignorant as only the atheist can be to accept that one day I realize that I have to give up my drug or my comforting lies and move forward. I have to acknowledge that God is love and all is love but love of agape not of lust. I can’t have both or at least all must be within the one not the other.
The Kingdom of Heaven is within.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Christian Medical and Dental Society Annual Christmas Banquet
I love CMDS (www.cmdscanada.org). It comforts me just to know it is there. The doctors I’ve met and shared with in this organization have so impressed me not only for their excellence as physicians and dentists but for their compassion as humans. They’re mostly family people as is the Christian way. They celebrate their partners and their children. They are close to their churches and their Bibles. They are hopeful people.
This year we met at Kaya’s the fabulous Malaysian restaurant on Broadway at Oak. Dr. Tam greeted us at the door immediately making my friend, Laura and I feel welcome. I had the pleasure then to speak with Dr. Jeffrey Greenman, President of Regent College. His wife is a paediatrician. I shared how I’d fallen in love with Regent attending the courses of Dr. James Houston.
“He’s teaching another course next year,” Dr. Greenman told me. “He’s 94 this year and has more energy and enthusiasm than some of us half his age.” Later at our table I’d share how much Dr. James Houston’s simple book on Prayer had influenced me.
Meanwhile, my friend Laura, had met Kirsti, the Art Historian wife of the Ken, the esteemed violinist North Vancouver family physician. They were talking about their children and travels.
A collection of medical students and seasoned CMDS musicians and singers had come together for the occasion leading us all in singing Christmas carols through the evening. Singing Silent Night, Holy Night, and Joy to the World did wonders for my soul.
Delicious food began to arrive miraculously. Plate after plate of marvellous morsels graced the table. As a typical doctor I’d missed lunch and was soon contentedly full with the delights of Kaya’s famed kitchen.
Dr Jeffrey Greenman spoke on the subject “Fear Not”. I loved that he drew his message from the verses of Luke, the physician gospel writer. I couldn’t help but think how often Dr. Willi Gutowski, missionary doctor and long time member of CMDS had told me that Jesus had commanded Christians, “Do Not Be Afraid.” He loved to say this wasn’t a suggestion. I’d joked thereafter while sailing bluewater with a Christian buddy that “worrying is wicked’. When our cockpit awash and the ship was floundering in a terrific blow and I was struggling on deck to reef the main, this grinning Christian card had called to me, “Are we wicked yet, Billy?"
Now here was Dr. Jeffrey Greenman,, Oxford and Regent College theologian expanding on God’s message. “The opposite of fear is faith,” he said. Then drawing on story after story of Luke’s testimony of the birth of Christ he shared how first with Zechariah and lastly with the Shepherds God’s appearance was overwhelming startling, even paralyzing, but then God said Fear Not. For the message of the Christmas season is that Yahweh, God almighty has been born as a child in a manger. This is the Messiah. This is the promise. All shall be well with God among us.
Dr. Greenman didn’t exactly say ‘god among us’ or ‘god incarnate’ or "the transcendent God” of the ancients had become the " immanent god of Jesus”. He didn’t speak theologese at us. Instead, he chose simple all embracing words. He referenced Roosevelts famous words, ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” And went on to expand on the fuller passage that one line derived from. He mostly read passages from Luke. His voice was soothing and melodious. He let the truth of Luke work its calm and healing I felt tears welling in my eyes to hear once again the blessed assurance.
After we sang more Christmas carols, the dining area though spacious, felt cozy. I was again happy with life and felt as if Jesus had once more lifted a burden of worry from my ailing back. I was here among loving and kind folk who daily faced my frustrations with the struggle to comfort and cure patients in the horrible politics of todays medical system. We all had suffered at the hands of the Herods of Government Health Care and the Pontius Pilates of Wrong Judgements. We’d cried at night when despite all our technical knowledge and decades of intensive learning and experience, despite our deepest faith, we’d still fail to Lazarus that one person we really believed should live. We’d all learned acceptance and humility in those dark nights of our medical souls. Thy will be done not my will.
Here we were again, eating together, singing together, and praying together, thankful for that reminder this Advent season, that Jesus, the Messiah was born that blessed day. Fear Not.
My phone rang and I stepped outside to answer an emergency call. It wasn’t an emergency. But I hopefully reassured this frightened and angry person that my assistant would try to book them in on Monday, but I was fully booked till sometime next year. I was sorry waitlists were so long. Yes I was sorry I’d not be able to see them this Friday night. It was already past 9 pm. I was sorry their lawyer had upset them. I was sorry their lawyer was costing so much money and charged them to talk to them and that I was free. I was also sorry the government bureaucrats they’d spoken to that day had been so rude and refused to return their calls. I appreciated their fear but there was nothing I could do tonight. And no I couldn’t talk more because I was on call for medical emergencies that this was more a legal and beaurocratic problem which the lawyers and bureaucrats must deal with. I did remind them that they didn’t keep their office appointment with me too and didn’t mention I’d not been paid when they just didn’t show and didn’t cancel. I said that mostly this was about money and their fears about their financial settlements. No I couldn’t make a special appointment to meet with them on Saturday or Sunday either. They were meeting with the lawyers next week and it was a family matter too which meant i couldn’t just speak with them alone but the only thing that could be decided had to be decided with all parties involved and I couldn’t choose ’sides’ in this matter either. But really , this isn’t a medical or psychiatric emergency and when I give patients my number it’s for medical and psychiatric emergencies, matters of life and health and death and matters related to medication or treatment. There was nothing more I could offer over the phone and that this would have to be taken care of at the office. No I didn’t want them to suicide but what they were calling me about was really not a medical or psychiatric emergency but rather a legal and beaurocratic matter and I could not make a house call to discuss how no one cared. And yes I cared but I couldn’t tell the judge and government to go to hell for them even if I wanted to. Would they call me at the office on Monday. Would they be alright till then? Alright. Good night.
Fear Not.
This year we met at Kaya’s the fabulous Malaysian restaurant on Broadway at Oak. Dr. Tam greeted us at the door immediately making my friend, Laura and I feel welcome. I had the pleasure then to speak with Dr. Jeffrey Greenman, President of Regent College. His wife is a paediatrician. I shared how I’d fallen in love with Regent attending the courses of Dr. James Houston.
“He’s teaching another course next year,” Dr. Greenman told me. “He’s 94 this year and has more energy and enthusiasm than some of us half his age.” Later at our table I’d share how much Dr. James Houston’s simple book on Prayer had influenced me.
Meanwhile, my friend Laura, had met Kirsti, the Art Historian wife of the Ken, the esteemed violinist North Vancouver family physician. They were talking about their children and travels.
A collection of medical students and seasoned CMDS musicians and singers had come together for the occasion leading us all in singing Christmas carols through the evening. Singing Silent Night, Holy Night, and Joy to the World did wonders for my soul.
Delicious food began to arrive miraculously. Plate after plate of marvellous morsels graced the table. As a typical doctor I’d missed lunch and was soon contentedly full with the delights of Kaya’s famed kitchen.
Dr Jeffrey Greenman spoke on the subject “Fear Not”. I loved that he drew his message from the verses of Luke, the physician gospel writer. I couldn’t help but think how often Dr. Willi Gutowski, missionary doctor and long time member of CMDS had told me that Jesus had commanded Christians, “Do Not Be Afraid.” He loved to say this wasn’t a suggestion. I’d joked thereafter while sailing bluewater with a Christian buddy that “worrying is wicked’. When our cockpit awash and the ship was floundering in a terrific blow and I was struggling on deck to reef the main, this grinning Christian card had called to me, “Are we wicked yet, Billy?"
Now here was Dr. Jeffrey Greenman,, Oxford and Regent College theologian expanding on God’s message. “The opposite of fear is faith,” he said. Then drawing on story after story of Luke’s testimony of the birth of Christ he shared how first with Zechariah and lastly with the Shepherds God’s appearance was overwhelming startling, even paralyzing, but then God said Fear Not. For the message of the Christmas season is that Yahweh, God almighty has been born as a child in a manger. This is the Messiah. This is the promise. All shall be well with God among us.
Dr. Greenman didn’t exactly say ‘god among us’ or ‘god incarnate’ or "the transcendent God” of the ancients had become the " immanent god of Jesus”. He didn’t speak theologese at us. Instead, he chose simple all embracing words. He referenced Roosevelts famous words, ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” And went on to expand on the fuller passage that one line derived from. He mostly read passages from Luke. His voice was soothing and melodious. He let the truth of Luke work its calm and healing I felt tears welling in my eyes to hear once again the blessed assurance.
After we sang more Christmas carols, the dining area though spacious, felt cozy. I was again happy with life and felt as if Jesus had once more lifted a burden of worry from my ailing back. I was here among loving and kind folk who daily faced my frustrations with the struggle to comfort and cure patients in the horrible politics of todays medical system. We all had suffered at the hands of the Herods of Government Health Care and the Pontius Pilates of Wrong Judgements. We’d cried at night when despite all our technical knowledge and decades of intensive learning and experience, despite our deepest faith, we’d still fail to Lazarus that one person we really believed should live. We’d all learned acceptance and humility in those dark nights of our medical souls. Thy will be done not my will.
Here we were again, eating together, singing together, and praying together, thankful for that reminder this Advent season, that Jesus, the Messiah was born that blessed day. Fear Not.
My phone rang and I stepped outside to answer an emergency call. It wasn’t an emergency. But I hopefully reassured this frightened and angry person that my assistant would try to book them in on Monday, but I was fully booked till sometime next year. I was sorry waitlists were so long. Yes I was sorry I’d not be able to see them this Friday night. It was already past 9 pm. I was sorry their lawyer had upset them. I was sorry their lawyer was costing so much money and charged them to talk to them and that I was free. I was also sorry the government bureaucrats they’d spoken to that day had been so rude and refused to return their calls. I appreciated their fear but there was nothing I could do tonight. And no I couldn’t talk more because I was on call for medical emergencies that this was more a legal and beaurocratic problem which the lawyers and bureaucrats must deal with. I did remind them that they didn’t keep their office appointment with me too and didn’t mention I’d not been paid when they just didn’t show and didn’t cancel. I said that mostly this was about money and their fears about their financial settlements. No I couldn’t make a special appointment to meet with them on Saturday or Sunday either. They were meeting with the lawyers next week and it was a family matter too which meant i couldn’t just speak with them alone but the only thing that could be decided had to be decided with all parties involved and I couldn’t choose ’sides’ in this matter either. But really , this isn’t a medical or psychiatric emergency and when I give patients my number it’s for medical and psychiatric emergencies, matters of life and health and death and matters related to medication or treatment. There was nothing more I could offer over the phone and that this would have to be taken care of at the office. No I didn’t want them to suicide but what they were calling me about was really not a medical or psychiatric emergency but rather a legal and beaurocratic matter and I could not make a house call to discuss how no one cared. And yes I cared but I couldn’t tell the judge and government to go to hell for them even if I wanted to. Would they call me at the office on Monday. Would they be alright till then? Alright. Good night.
Fear Not.
Friday, December 4, 2015
The Way
Reading Acts 9 I see that the Jews called the early Christian movement, the WAY. This tells of Saul who was the representative of the Synagogue who was persecuting the Christians before he himself was converted. He had been a leader of the Synagogue and was sent to Damascus to root out any disciples.
"A light from heaven flashed around him . He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him 'Saul, Saul why do you persecute me?'
'Who are you, Lord?' Saul asked.
I am Jesus who you are persecuting,'Now get up and into the city and you will be told what you must do ."
"For three days he was blind and did not eat or drink anything."
The Lord said to Ananias "Go this man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.
I like the term the Way. It's a journey this spirituality. I like the metaphor of travel and progress even now as I feel stagnating. Even now as I struggle to forgive and once again face another Christmas grieving the loss of my parents and aunts and all those I've known who are missing around the table at Christmas. I think about my own mortality and sickness and death.
I know eruditely that blindness for 3 days is a message . It's not literal. It's like Jonah and the whale. I know the power of three. I love the trinity as I do DNA.
Then I think of how I so often have been irritated by Paul's explanations and interpretations but here the Bible says he is chose and he will suffer. Because we all suffer being Christians. Not onnly are we persecuted but in our turn, like Saul, we persecute Jesus and his disciples. We do not love each other as he loved and we do not forgive as God forgives.
I will begin a new days and hope I can do better. I hope I can be more loving more open to learning more present, more grateful. Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Justin Trudeau and Me
I don’t know Justin Trudeau. He’s just an actor and an act. I’ve never met him personally. I met his father, shook his hand and when I was young thought him a great man. My father thought him dangerous, a French intellectual who hated the English and didn't even know where Western Canada was. Now older, I think everything I dislike about Canada stemmed from Pierre.
I’ve met Mr. Chretien and Mr. Turner and Mr. Harper. They were all great men in their own right. Mr Justin Trudeau will likely be another fine prime minister. I hope so.
I’ve been particularly critical of him. This stemmed I think, most from the vicious, low class, low brow attacks on Mr. Harper. I have this thing that goes back to playing defence in hockey as a kid and doing martial arts. If you hit me or mine, I’ll hit you back harder, lower and longer. I'm not proud of it. Something genetically Irish and Scottish.
I’m a Conservative. Apparently a red tory. I used to be a blue liberal. I’m proud of being a Canadian and a Conservative. The elections were disgusting. So I’ve stooped to the same level. You want to play dirty. You want to fight dirty. I’ll fight dirtier. I'm not proud of it. It's just that this is the trait that has kept the 'true north proud and free'. Pierre changed the flag to a Liberal Quebec flag. Maple leaves don't grow in western Canada. Megalomaniac that he was he took out the blue that had always been part of Canada and said 'fuck you' symbolically except being a liar, he just said 'fuddle duck' I paid some million for saying 'fuck' and admitting to saying 'fuck'. No one knows the high price of truth in this country. I do. I've paid a fortune for saying 'fuck'. By the time Trudeau's lies were really apparent and I was much older I was thankful for Mr. Turner. I knew him and admired him. He was a true western Canadian.
Now Justin Trudeau is PM. And I can’t help but criticize him. Not just because he’s doing everything he promised but because he represents everything I dislike and always have. And that’s why it’s more about me and less about him. He probably doesn’t deserve half my loathing and distaste for him.
I’ve analyzed my feelings a bit and I know I've just got a skin of the onion still what I see isn't very good.
1. He was born with a silver spoon. What’s wrong with being born wealthy with a huge trust fund. What ’s wrong with coming from a line of wealth like his father too inherited. What is it about me and the Lords. There’s a twinge of Scottish Irish Working Class hatred and envy of the ‘betters’. I carry this quite possibly inheritted working class taint even though quite frankly I was raised middle class. My grandfather left Scotland to get away from the Lords and Monarchy of Engand. He came to Canada because a man could be free and equal. Canada was a meritocracy. He worked hard and became the Reeve through his service. Pierre Trudeau turned Canada from a Meritocracy to the Mediocrity it is today. This welfare nation. This communist country of upper class dictatorship.
Maybe it’s a middle class loathing for the ‘idle’ rich. Meanwhile the rich I have known and known well have been anything but idle. Further I’ve admired my friends who have passed on to their children the best. Justin is Pierre’s son and Pierre loved his family by his work and what he left, as in Justin’s trust fund. Pierre might have been the worst Prime Minister Canada ever had but he was still a good father, not a good husband and probably not a good lover but obviously a great father. Justin was blessed with Pierre as his dad just as I was blessed with my father and grandfathers.
2. I don’t think Justin had a better childhood. I don’t envy the rich their growing up. I was fortunate in my school and associations so I have never thought it would have been better to have met the Queen as a child. To me as child, my Toronto Aunt was royalty. I loved my friends and my neighbourhood and the wonders of childhood. I like the teen years and can’t say i have anything against Justin. I didn't think of in crowds and out crowds until I was a teen. As a kid I had my friend and we all had bicycles and we explored and rode and played sports and talked.
3. I did dislike the ‘rich kids’ when I was a teen though. I disliked the way the ‘law’ favoured them and how their father’s money got them off. I disliked the lack of a level playing field and the protection and special status that money bought. I disliked the kids who because they were rich got away with rape and theft and bullying. I was actually happy when I heard the rapists were caught as lawyers and businessmen and their father's money and family couldn't keep them out of jail. I don’t know if Justin got away with anything. He was probably one of the good guys a party boy, not very bright but not stupid. There's no doubt his father was bright but Justin is like George Bush. George senior was a genius but the sons didn't get a whole lot of father's brains. Even the already famous, "It's 2015" line was fed to him by a woman. He's an actor. His father was a writer. Some of my teen friends were good guys and they were rich and they didn’t get any ‘special breaks’. Sure their parents took them to Hawaii and some had great cars and trips to Europe but I hunted and fished with Dad and my brother. I had a mother that loved me more than a kite loves the wind. I had an idyllic childhood and youth. I’d never change for a thing. And Justin lost a brother and I didn't lose a brother so I know Justin has had the deepest pain of all. So he's more than the pretty boy he comes across as and I don't give him credit for that.
4. But my friend smoked dope and got caught. He went to jail and one thing led to another and seven years later he was out and riding with a biker gang. We’d meet up years later. He was hard. He’d been punished for breaking the law. I smoked dope and paid a very high price, maybe a million dollars in time and amends for breaking the law smoking dope. But Justin and his mother were potheads. All the while my friend was in jail and I was paying my dues for having smoked dope here was our future Prime Minister breaking the law, being a criminal, with his criminal family, not once, not twice, but over and over again. And all around me in British Columbia my neighbours were making billions of dollars owning houses and buying fast cars and living the lives of rich drug dealers, breaking the law.
So I even appreciate that Justin would want to ‘decriminalize’ marijuana. I don’t think the State should criminalize half the behaviours it does. I think that thanks to Pierre we're living in a legal theocracy and that since Pierre Canada is no longer the land of the free. Communism makes men slaves. I don’t think my friend should have gone to jail for what he did and the guards in the jail should protect young guys from what the guards and other prisoners do to young guys. Then maybe they wouldn’t want to break out of jail to get away from being gang raped again or beaten by dirty guards or raped by guards. I believe my friend. I believe that he was wrong to smoke dope but the punishment didn’t fit the crime and he’s a hardened criminal biker today. I think it’s great that Justin Trudeau wants to stop guys going to jail.
That’s a good thing but it doesn’t change for me that he was a criminal and his mother was a criminal and I paid a huge price and my friend paid an even huger price and now I’m supposed to respect this guy who got away with being a criminal because he had money and didn’t have the conscience I did. I self reported my smoking dope and stopped smoking dope. I haven’t smoked dope in 17 years. I spent half a decade getting urine tested and subjected to all manner of humiliation and punishment and condemnation. Always I was told I should be grateful. I am grateful. I just can’t help loathing , utterly loathing and despising the rich of this land and the way they are so far above the rest of the people and how they hypocritically act like they’re one of us. I think the law of the land was more for everyone before Justin Trudeau but today there's a law for the rich and a law for the poor. Justin Trudeau is no more like my very human friend than a lizard is like a man. My friend is hurt really really badly and he got hurt just for smoking dope. And yes I think this should stop but there are a lot of people who got hurt and I can't look at Justin Trudeau and his mother and not see Hanoi Jane. Jane Fonda and Justin Trudeau seem like peas in a pod to me.
I don’t think pot should be legalized, decriminalized yes, but not legalized. I really don’t think pot should be legalized. I am deeply offended knowing all I know about pot and pot addicts and the industry and the criminals in it and the effects of addiction and here’s this swaggering smiling acting fellow who not only lies and smokes dope breaking the law and smoking dope but I’m in a country of people who don’t seem to get why there are American soldiers who don’t forgive Hanoi Jane for her betrayal. Even her apology sounded like a lie. I’ve not even heard Justin Trudeau apologize for being a liar and a law breaker and getting away with it.
Probably in his circle ‘everyone was doing it’. I know ‘in my circle’ everyone was doing it. All sorts of academics and colleagues were smoking pot. I smoked pot with university professors, heads of departments and lawyers and yet I’ve stopped and by telling the truth I have paid a hefty price, maybe a million dollars. I’ve worked two jobs and paid off major debts because of the massive punishments that I was told was a ‘privilege’ for me to be able to undertake. Meanwhile from all accounts Justin Trudeau and certainly his mother were sicker than I ever was and yet Justin Trudeau as impaired as he was , as a teacher and now as a PM is quite simply above the law.I've seen a lot of teachers who smoked pot and paid a huge price for doing it, some losing their jobs, others going to treatment all being fined in time and money for 'breaking the law.' Justin hasn't paid his dues. I think Putin is more of a man than this swaggering play boxer pretty boy. But I carry the scars of knifes from the fights I was in and I've faced a lot of guns. Stupid of me. But Trudeau is playacting being a man and I know Mr. Harper was a man. Mr. Chretien was a heavy dude and Mr Turner was a good man. None of them acting like 11 year old boys act. I can't help but think of Isaiah and his 'long necked women and their boys" when I see Justin play acting a man.
And that’s what gets me. I don’t like the unfairness of it all. I remember when we got caught doing harmless pranks our parents grounded us. I remember the teachers condemned my friend and I and we had to stay after class. I remember that the rich kids smashed a bunch of stuff in the school and their fathers with lawyers came and paid for the damages and that was that. No extra time in school. I heard one didn’t get his $100 allowance that week.
So it’s ‘unfair’ and I’m ‘projecting’ all my anger and unresolved frustration and resentment at our ‘system’ that’s ‘unfair’ on this guy I don’t know.
I owe him an apology personally. He probably only deserves 90% of my disgust with him and all those like him. And the fact remains that I’ve broken laws too. I’ve sped and done my share of cutting corners but I ‘confess’ and have paid the price. And I certainly wouldn’t suggest that all the highways speed limits should be 160 km an hour because that’s what I’ve driven my harley at. i’ve paid a whole lot in speeding tickets too so it’s not like Trudeau who hasn’t done a night in jail or got a record for breaking the law.
I just can’t help thinking of my friend whose now as much a law breaker as Trudeau maybe is and I wonder why I have a conscience and why I tell the truth. We joke and say that when a politician opens his mouth he lies but in fairness Canada has been fortunate in it’s politicians. I love this country but the fact is I’m afraid of where it’s going. I think Justin Trudeau is promoting war and division in Canada. And frankly given how the Liberals have treated western Canadians as shit for as long as I can remember I really would like Canada to separate. I keep coming back to the fact that I can’t find it in me to support this guy who I really would like to be drug tested and pay a year or more of his life for doing drugs and law breaking without consequence. I know I was wrong to break the law and drive my Harley at 160. I don’t recommend everyone do it. That’s where Justin really gets to me.
He’s an emperor. The French like Emperor's. But I'm Scottish Irish Canadian and we like democracy. The Greeks may have invented democracy for the rich but the Scots made democracy work for all people.
Now for my peace of mind I have to let it go. I have to accept Justin Trudeau is our Prime Minister until British Columbia separates from Eastern Canada and stuffs Quebec where it belongs. It's the most despicable province in Canada and has taken billions and whined endlessness threatening to divorce all the while no one but Quebec was allowed to vote on their separation. I and any real Western Canadian would have said. Go. Now they've taken all Alberta's money from the fuel and they're taking all the Navy Contracts and other Government Contracts all over again.
I some how have to heal that sense of self pity that there are two classes of people, the rich and everyone else. Justin Trudeau is the rich and I’m just one of everyone else. That’s paranoid thinking, as stupid as communism which I hate so what I’ve got to do is understand what Justin Trudeau represents for me personally and what it is in him I don’t own in myself. Because when we hate someone intensely we are admitting that they are something within our selves that we haven’t owned. I don't like Mila Cyrus but I know that she represents my inner slut and I envy her being able to essentially be the equivalent of male trailer trash and get paid for it. I have to come around to thinking Justin Trudeau just a really sick person like his mother is a really sick woman. I have to feel sorry for him and accept him as another human who is deeply flawed and very disturbed. I have to move beyond this place of hurt and defensiveness to acceptance of the way life is.
I’ve got to recognize too that I’m growing old and ready to die. I want to die peacefully. I want to have some time for retirement and some time for myself. I’ve given my life to others and served and worked and I see Trudeau as a major under achiever , a ‘slacker’ and ‘playboy’ and then because of his ‘name’ he’s ‘found’. Justin Smith would never have got to be prime minister. This is a dynasty thing and I hate that for Canada. That's where inbreeding killed Europe. That's what caused the Charge of the Light Brigade.
Like the guys who get jobs in acting not on their own merit but because their father was the King. I admire our young royals because they served in the military and they did ‘serve’. Trudeau by all appearances is a major narcissist but then I see him as a good father and husband and I’m neither so I’m probably jealous of him, his youth, hopefulness, his young family and his security. I don’t feel secure. I ‘m afraid and he frightens me more than ISIS or street gangs. But my jealousy and my fear are as much about me as about him. I cringe every time he gives Canada’s hard earned money to some hair brain cause or some french gangster thug friend. I remember his father bankrupting the country, nationalizing energy, turning the country into a communist state, destroying democracy and making the laws a perversion of the appointed supreme court. And now his son is going to destroy democracy more and entrench his french favourites and his communist corporate buddies into powerful roles and it’s just me. I know it’s so much me.
It’s seeing all the torture victims that come from communist countries, hearing all the personal tales of the family members of those killed by communists and then watching him destroy the monument to victims of communists.
I have to let him go. I have to forgive him and his father and make peace with the ‘government’ . I have a resentment with authority that goes back to all the strapping and caning I got in my school and the stupidity of some of my teachers. But the majority of my teachers were great. I've got to focus on the positive. I've not seen one positive thing Trudeau has done yet but I've got to look for the half filled glass and not focus on the glass being emptied by graft and stupidity. My school principal was a violent man, a sadist by today's standards. But if I was in Russia or China or Isil I’d have lost a limb so I have to be grateful.
I have to be grateful that Trudeau isn’t Hitler or Stalin or Obama or Mila Cyress or the Kardashians. Things could be a whole lot worse. I am sorry. God help me to see Trudeau and his family as just sick people that need love not hate and help me to let go of the fear that I have from my imprisonment. Help me know God that you are in charge. Help me find peace in you. This is a world of lies. The Trudeaus are liars. Help me to accept them as sick and not see them as sociopaths. Help me to love and help me to let go of fear. God help me restore my peace of mind.
God grant me to serenity to accept the things I cannot change (Justin, Justin’s Mother, The UN Climate Change Hoax, the Corruption of Buffet and Obama, Hanoi Jane, the Mafia Biker Gang run Quebec and Pedophiles)
The courage to change the things I can (my bad attitude, my fear, my critical finger pointing judgementalness, my self pity and resentment).
And The wisdom to know the difference (between me and everything else).
God help me. God help Justin Trudeau. God help Canada.
I’ve met Mr. Chretien and Mr. Turner and Mr. Harper. They were all great men in their own right. Mr Justin Trudeau will likely be another fine prime minister. I hope so.
I’ve been particularly critical of him. This stemmed I think, most from the vicious, low class, low brow attacks on Mr. Harper. I have this thing that goes back to playing defence in hockey as a kid and doing martial arts. If you hit me or mine, I’ll hit you back harder, lower and longer. I'm not proud of it. Something genetically Irish and Scottish.
I’m a Conservative. Apparently a red tory. I used to be a blue liberal. I’m proud of being a Canadian and a Conservative. The elections were disgusting. So I’ve stooped to the same level. You want to play dirty. You want to fight dirty. I’ll fight dirtier. I'm not proud of it. It's just that this is the trait that has kept the 'true north proud and free'. Pierre changed the flag to a Liberal Quebec flag. Maple leaves don't grow in western Canada. Megalomaniac that he was he took out the blue that had always been part of Canada and said 'fuck you' symbolically except being a liar, he just said 'fuddle duck' I paid some million for saying 'fuck' and admitting to saying 'fuck'. No one knows the high price of truth in this country. I do. I've paid a fortune for saying 'fuck'. By the time Trudeau's lies were really apparent and I was much older I was thankful for Mr. Turner. I knew him and admired him. He was a true western Canadian.
Now Justin Trudeau is PM. And I can’t help but criticize him. Not just because he’s doing everything he promised but because he represents everything I dislike and always have. And that’s why it’s more about me and less about him. He probably doesn’t deserve half my loathing and distaste for him.
I’ve analyzed my feelings a bit and I know I've just got a skin of the onion still what I see isn't very good.
1. He was born with a silver spoon. What’s wrong with being born wealthy with a huge trust fund. What ’s wrong with coming from a line of wealth like his father too inherited. What is it about me and the Lords. There’s a twinge of Scottish Irish Working Class hatred and envy of the ‘betters’. I carry this quite possibly inheritted working class taint even though quite frankly I was raised middle class. My grandfather left Scotland to get away from the Lords and Monarchy of Engand. He came to Canada because a man could be free and equal. Canada was a meritocracy. He worked hard and became the Reeve through his service. Pierre Trudeau turned Canada from a Meritocracy to the Mediocrity it is today. This welfare nation. This communist country of upper class dictatorship.
Maybe it’s a middle class loathing for the ‘idle’ rich. Meanwhile the rich I have known and known well have been anything but idle. Further I’ve admired my friends who have passed on to their children the best. Justin is Pierre’s son and Pierre loved his family by his work and what he left, as in Justin’s trust fund. Pierre might have been the worst Prime Minister Canada ever had but he was still a good father, not a good husband and probably not a good lover but obviously a great father. Justin was blessed with Pierre as his dad just as I was blessed with my father and grandfathers.
2. I don’t think Justin had a better childhood. I don’t envy the rich their growing up. I was fortunate in my school and associations so I have never thought it would have been better to have met the Queen as a child. To me as child, my Toronto Aunt was royalty. I loved my friends and my neighbourhood and the wonders of childhood. I like the teen years and can’t say i have anything against Justin. I didn't think of in crowds and out crowds until I was a teen. As a kid I had my friend and we all had bicycles and we explored and rode and played sports and talked.
3. I did dislike the ‘rich kids’ when I was a teen though. I disliked the way the ‘law’ favoured them and how their father’s money got them off. I disliked the lack of a level playing field and the protection and special status that money bought. I disliked the kids who because they were rich got away with rape and theft and bullying. I was actually happy when I heard the rapists were caught as lawyers and businessmen and their father's money and family couldn't keep them out of jail. I don’t know if Justin got away with anything. He was probably one of the good guys a party boy, not very bright but not stupid. There's no doubt his father was bright but Justin is like George Bush. George senior was a genius but the sons didn't get a whole lot of father's brains. Even the already famous, "It's 2015" line was fed to him by a woman. He's an actor. His father was a writer. Some of my teen friends were good guys and they were rich and they didn’t get any ‘special breaks’. Sure their parents took them to Hawaii and some had great cars and trips to Europe but I hunted and fished with Dad and my brother. I had a mother that loved me more than a kite loves the wind. I had an idyllic childhood and youth. I’d never change for a thing. And Justin lost a brother and I didn't lose a brother so I know Justin has had the deepest pain of all. So he's more than the pretty boy he comes across as and I don't give him credit for that.
4. But my friend smoked dope and got caught. He went to jail and one thing led to another and seven years later he was out and riding with a biker gang. We’d meet up years later. He was hard. He’d been punished for breaking the law. I smoked dope and paid a very high price, maybe a million dollars in time and amends for breaking the law smoking dope. But Justin and his mother were potheads. All the while my friend was in jail and I was paying my dues for having smoked dope here was our future Prime Minister breaking the law, being a criminal, with his criminal family, not once, not twice, but over and over again. And all around me in British Columbia my neighbours were making billions of dollars owning houses and buying fast cars and living the lives of rich drug dealers, breaking the law.
So I even appreciate that Justin would want to ‘decriminalize’ marijuana. I don’t think the State should criminalize half the behaviours it does. I think that thanks to Pierre we're living in a legal theocracy and that since Pierre Canada is no longer the land of the free. Communism makes men slaves. I don’t think my friend should have gone to jail for what he did and the guards in the jail should protect young guys from what the guards and other prisoners do to young guys. Then maybe they wouldn’t want to break out of jail to get away from being gang raped again or beaten by dirty guards or raped by guards. I believe my friend. I believe that he was wrong to smoke dope but the punishment didn’t fit the crime and he’s a hardened criminal biker today. I think it’s great that Justin Trudeau wants to stop guys going to jail.
That’s a good thing but it doesn’t change for me that he was a criminal and his mother was a criminal and I paid a huge price and my friend paid an even huger price and now I’m supposed to respect this guy who got away with being a criminal because he had money and didn’t have the conscience I did. I self reported my smoking dope and stopped smoking dope. I haven’t smoked dope in 17 years. I spent half a decade getting urine tested and subjected to all manner of humiliation and punishment and condemnation. Always I was told I should be grateful. I am grateful. I just can’t help loathing , utterly loathing and despising the rich of this land and the way they are so far above the rest of the people and how they hypocritically act like they’re one of us. I think the law of the land was more for everyone before Justin Trudeau but today there's a law for the rich and a law for the poor. Justin Trudeau is no more like my very human friend than a lizard is like a man. My friend is hurt really really badly and he got hurt just for smoking dope. And yes I think this should stop but there are a lot of people who got hurt and I can't look at Justin Trudeau and his mother and not see Hanoi Jane. Jane Fonda and Justin Trudeau seem like peas in a pod to me.
I don’t think pot should be legalized, decriminalized yes, but not legalized. I really don’t think pot should be legalized. I am deeply offended knowing all I know about pot and pot addicts and the industry and the criminals in it and the effects of addiction and here’s this swaggering smiling acting fellow who not only lies and smokes dope breaking the law and smoking dope but I’m in a country of people who don’t seem to get why there are American soldiers who don’t forgive Hanoi Jane for her betrayal. Even her apology sounded like a lie. I’ve not even heard Justin Trudeau apologize for being a liar and a law breaker and getting away with it.
Probably in his circle ‘everyone was doing it’. I know ‘in my circle’ everyone was doing it. All sorts of academics and colleagues were smoking pot. I smoked pot with university professors, heads of departments and lawyers and yet I’ve stopped and by telling the truth I have paid a hefty price, maybe a million dollars. I’ve worked two jobs and paid off major debts because of the massive punishments that I was told was a ‘privilege’ for me to be able to undertake. Meanwhile from all accounts Justin Trudeau and certainly his mother were sicker than I ever was and yet Justin Trudeau as impaired as he was , as a teacher and now as a PM is quite simply above the law.I've seen a lot of teachers who smoked pot and paid a huge price for doing it, some losing their jobs, others going to treatment all being fined in time and money for 'breaking the law.' Justin hasn't paid his dues. I think Putin is more of a man than this swaggering play boxer pretty boy. But I carry the scars of knifes from the fights I was in and I've faced a lot of guns. Stupid of me. But Trudeau is playacting being a man and I know Mr. Harper was a man. Mr. Chretien was a heavy dude and Mr Turner was a good man. None of them acting like 11 year old boys act. I can't help but think of Isaiah and his 'long necked women and their boys" when I see Justin play acting a man.
And that’s what gets me. I don’t like the unfairness of it all. I remember when we got caught doing harmless pranks our parents grounded us. I remember the teachers condemned my friend and I and we had to stay after class. I remember that the rich kids smashed a bunch of stuff in the school and their fathers with lawyers came and paid for the damages and that was that. No extra time in school. I heard one didn’t get his $100 allowance that week.
So it’s ‘unfair’ and I’m ‘projecting’ all my anger and unresolved frustration and resentment at our ‘system’ that’s ‘unfair’ on this guy I don’t know.
I owe him an apology personally. He probably only deserves 90% of my disgust with him and all those like him. And the fact remains that I’ve broken laws too. I’ve sped and done my share of cutting corners but I ‘confess’ and have paid the price. And I certainly wouldn’t suggest that all the highways speed limits should be 160 km an hour because that’s what I’ve driven my harley at. i’ve paid a whole lot in speeding tickets too so it’s not like Trudeau who hasn’t done a night in jail or got a record for breaking the law.
I just can’t help thinking of my friend whose now as much a law breaker as Trudeau maybe is and I wonder why I have a conscience and why I tell the truth. We joke and say that when a politician opens his mouth he lies but in fairness Canada has been fortunate in it’s politicians. I love this country but the fact is I’m afraid of where it’s going. I think Justin Trudeau is promoting war and division in Canada. And frankly given how the Liberals have treated western Canadians as shit for as long as I can remember I really would like Canada to separate. I keep coming back to the fact that I can’t find it in me to support this guy who I really would like to be drug tested and pay a year or more of his life for doing drugs and law breaking without consequence. I know I was wrong to break the law and drive my Harley at 160. I don’t recommend everyone do it. That’s where Justin really gets to me.
He’s an emperor. The French like Emperor's. But I'm Scottish Irish Canadian and we like democracy. The Greeks may have invented democracy for the rich but the Scots made democracy work for all people.
Now for my peace of mind I have to let it go. I have to accept Justin Trudeau is our Prime Minister until British Columbia separates from Eastern Canada and stuffs Quebec where it belongs. It's the most despicable province in Canada and has taken billions and whined endlessness threatening to divorce all the while no one but Quebec was allowed to vote on their separation. I and any real Western Canadian would have said. Go. Now they've taken all Alberta's money from the fuel and they're taking all the Navy Contracts and other Government Contracts all over again.
I some how have to heal that sense of self pity that there are two classes of people, the rich and everyone else. Justin Trudeau is the rich and I’m just one of everyone else. That’s paranoid thinking, as stupid as communism which I hate so what I’ve got to do is understand what Justin Trudeau represents for me personally and what it is in him I don’t own in myself. Because when we hate someone intensely we are admitting that they are something within our selves that we haven’t owned. I don't like Mila Cyrus but I know that she represents my inner slut and I envy her being able to essentially be the equivalent of male trailer trash and get paid for it. I have to come around to thinking Justin Trudeau just a really sick person like his mother is a really sick woman. I have to feel sorry for him and accept him as another human who is deeply flawed and very disturbed. I have to move beyond this place of hurt and defensiveness to acceptance of the way life is.
I’ve got to recognize too that I’m growing old and ready to die. I want to die peacefully. I want to have some time for retirement and some time for myself. I’ve given my life to others and served and worked and I see Trudeau as a major under achiever , a ‘slacker’ and ‘playboy’ and then because of his ‘name’ he’s ‘found’. Justin Smith would never have got to be prime minister. This is a dynasty thing and I hate that for Canada. That's where inbreeding killed Europe. That's what caused the Charge of the Light Brigade.
Like the guys who get jobs in acting not on their own merit but because their father was the King. I admire our young royals because they served in the military and they did ‘serve’. Trudeau by all appearances is a major narcissist but then I see him as a good father and husband and I’m neither so I’m probably jealous of him, his youth, hopefulness, his young family and his security. I don’t feel secure. I ‘m afraid and he frightens me more than ISIS or street gangs. But my jealousy and my fear are as much about me as about him. I cringe every time he gives Canada’s hard earned money to some hair brain cause or some french gangster thug friend. I remember his father bankrupting the country, nationalizing energy, turning the country into a communist state, destroying democracy and making the laws a perversion of the appointed supreme court. And now his son is going to destroy democracy more and entrench his french favourites and his communist corporate buddies into powerful roles and it’s just me. I know it’s so much me.
It’s seeing all the torture victims that come from communist countries, hearing all the personal tales of the family members of those killed by communists and then watching him destroy the monument to victims of communists.
I have to let him go. I have to forgive him and his father and make peace with the ‘government’ . I have a resentment with authority that goes back to all the strapping and caning I got in my school and the stupidity of some of my teachers. But the majority of my teachers were great. I've got to focus on the positive. I've not seen one positive thing Trudeau has done yet but I've got to look for the half filled glass and not focus on the glass being emptied by graft and stupidity. My school principal was a violent man, a sadist by today's standards. But if I was in Russia or China or Isil I’d have lost a limb so I have to be grateful.
I have to be grateful that Trudeau isn’t Hitler or Stalin or Obama or Mila Cyress or the Kardashians. Things could be a whole lot worse. I am sorry. God help me to see Trudeau and his family as just sick people that need love not hate and help me to let go of the fear that I have from my imprisonment. Help me know God that you are in charge. Help me find peace in you. This is a world of lies. The Trudeaus are liars. Help me to accept them as sick and not see them as sociopaths. Help me to love and help me to let go of fear. God help me restore my peace of mind.
God grant me to serenity to accept the things I cannot change (Justin, Justin’s Mother, The UN Climate Change Hoax, the Corruption of Buffet and Obama, Hanoi Jane, the Mafia Biker Gang run Quebec and Pedophiles)
The courage to change the things I can (my bad attitude, my fear, my critical finger pointing judgementalness, my self pity and resentment).
And The wisdom to know the difference (between me and everything else).
God help me. God help Justin Trudeau. God help Canada.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Love, Marriage and Truth - First Corinthians 13
I was just reviewing what love is. The best definition, the one so often used at weddings is First Corinthians 13. I reflect that I don't read my bible enough. I've read it cover to cover about 4 times and studied it in church and at various universities. Still nothing beats daily reading for improving ones self awareness. It was the strongest recommendation of Dr. Bob, cofounder of AA, and his wife. My much admired friend. Dr. Willie Gutowski strongly recommended this to me as well. In his family they had a daily reading at meals. My greatest biblical teacher, Dr. James Houston strongly recommended daily bible reading too. He once recommended I read a psalm a day and when I did that I was uplifted as he said I'd be. The Bible is inspiration. I truly admire Dr. Phillip Ney, the great advocate for women and children's rights knowledge of the Bible. My mother encouraged me from childhood. She and her sisters were never far from their Bibles but I can be so forgetful and distractible.
I Corinthians 13 says:
Love is patient - Now I can truthfully say that I would argue till the cows come home that I am patient and was patient but when I truthfully reflect on my marriage, I was very impatient. I am a man who is in fact impatient alot with women in general. I think that Winston Churchhill beat Adolf Hitler and women after that war let Eva Brawn beat Mrs. Churchill. I've been terrribly impatient for women to become more sophisticated politically and recognise the divide and conquer of the powerful left. I am frustrated by their naivity in the workplace and the reduction in doctors income directly associated with the increase in the percentage of women. I've been horrified by the sexist female judges who have found hundreds of cases consecutively against me. Mostly I hate abortion and the women who advocate the mass murder of Canadian children. I feel sorry for the mothers who are victimized by the likes of Morgetaller's wife, who has 3 children herself but let her husband kill thousands of Canadian babies. That said I admire so many women, women like my mother, my aunts, my cousins, my teachers. I admire women who stand up against the sexual abuse of men. I admired my wife in so many ways. But I've been an impatient man. And yet I'd falsely think of myself as 'loving' despite the obvious truth that to be loving one must be patient.
Love is kind - I'm mostly kind but I remember with shame some of the things I did and said to those women I would have said I loved. I 'm not saying they were saints. Several times they almost got me killed and us killed. They were only human but I said unkind things. I used to congratulate myself that I never hit my wife but I 'struck them with words'. I called them 'unloving' and yet here I was the kettle calling the pot black. If I could take so much back that I said I would. I loved asking Dr. Gutowski how he ensures his marriage is so successful, and admiring his response. "I never argue with my wife,Bill". It was true of what I saw to. Arguments are about "who" is right whereas discussions are about 'what" is right.
I guess the Christmas season is so sad for me because it is a time of family and I realize each Christmas that I'm alone and that it was my inadequacy in loving that is the reason for this. I think of myself as a loving person. I even feel I'm loving. But I couldn't last more than 7-10 years living with another despite trying it several times. After a half dozen years I'd become disappointed with giving and working and no children and all the financial cost of wives and feeling I was ever compromising and blaming. I don't think you can be a lover and a blamer as well. I tell everyone to beware of people who tell you how bad their ex was because they're soon be telling everyone how bad you were. Young people love to blame and deny responsibility. As we get older we can see our own faults and begin to accept responsibility for 'our part'. It takes 'two to tango', 'two to love' and 'two to war'. The legal profession makes a fortune off of blaming and shaming and naming. It's good business but is isn't love.
It does not envy - I don't envy so much now. Well maybe I do. I 'd like a lear jet and I'd like to jet set about the world with someone else paying and go to these insane climate change meetings and talk nonsense and swagger and hob nob. I like a party as much as the next guy if someone else is picking up the tab. I compare too much. I remember in my 20's I'd look at my wife and she was blond and suddenly I liked the black haired girls and the red heads and wonder if the guys with those girls were having a better time. I remember seeing movies of lots of sex and thinking that I was getting short changed because my wife wasn't 'creative' in bed. I used to suggest things and get shot down all the time. I could joke and say most women would draw the line at barnyard animals but I never did suggeest that and what I did suggest would be called lame by todays standards. So I did compare and I did envy others and that's simply not loving. I also envied my wives. I'd work two jobs and support them better than I could imagine but they always expected me to pay and I did. I envied pimps who were paid for by women and felt victimized all the time by women demanding and expecting me to pay two fold. I envied. I'd think it was worse because I was married to rich girls but their money went to their stuff whereas my money went to 'us'. So in the end I was paying all the time and they'd complain if I wanted to anything for myself. They always wanted me to give them more money while t hey kept their money to themselves. I envied her for her self centeredness and selfishness. I envied her for being such a princess. But that's not loving. Yet I thought I was loving.
Love does not boast....I dont think I was a boaster. I've been open and shared about things but I haven't 'boasted' but when I've been put down I've retaliated and that's not loving. Most of my life I've heard women boasting. Every day on news and tv and in the world around me women are going on ad infinitum about things women are doing. It doesn't matter any more if a man goes up in a space ship or sails around the world. It 's generally ignored . But if a woman does anything it's like the end of the world. Fireworks and alarms. And always it's said that 'in the past' men were celebrated so today men are not going to be. But I wasn't a man 'in the past'. In my world to day I've just worked and if I get anything it's given to me without fan fare. Men are supposed to work and shut up and mostly that's what I've done. I threw parties and did all manner of celebrating the activities of women. I've been a cheerleader for lots of folk but the fact is I wasn't as sexist as the women are. They seem to boast these days and my wife certainly would go on and on and on about her achievements. So I don't think this applies to me.
It is not proud. I have had pride. I know that God works through me but I used to think I was special in ways. I took things for granted and was glad of my achievements. I didn't compete with others but I competed with myself and enjoyed the progress. today I'm jsut holding on and surviving so I know I was proud when I was younger. That's not loving.
Love does not dishonor others. I was very disagreeable to my mother in law. She was psychotic and viscious and insane and so verbally abusive my ex and verbally and physically abusive of her husbands and a lying. I didn't need to tell my wife about the short comings of her family. The drunkeness and drug addiction and perversion in the family was well known to her. If I wanted to honor her I'd celebrate the positives rather than hitting home the negatives. I was a real shit when I think back on that. I was callous and judgemental and wish I could take it back. I wished I'd read the bible and been a better more forgiving person.
Love is not self seeking. Well I was self seeking. I can think about blow jobs and how I was wanting those and how it didn't matter how un fair her behaviour was given how much I pleasured her in the end I was completely self seekign sexually and while I thought I was doing what she wanted I really didn't discuss it or ask for honest feed back. We didn't talk much and the last year or so there just wasn't any sex and later I was angry about the abortion. That's the way I was and I look back and feel how poorly and unloving I was while I blamed her for being unloving. I actually thought I was loving when I really wasn't. Not in the detail , not daily, lots of times but I was mostly focused on my work, worried for ever about this case or that case, trying desperately to keep somebody alive and not put nearly the time or energy into keeping my marriage alive. I was a good doctor but a lousy husband.
I've got to go now but this is my Christmas season. Pretty sad and lots of self recrimination. It's the darkest time of the year and I seem to remember fondly the loveliest of women, those I left behind. I'm no Rockwell portrait. I wish that I read the Bible daily. I'm trying. I think if I was married I'd make it a must to read the whole list of First Corinthians 13 and keep it like a 'to do' list.
When I asked my father why he thought my marriage failed, he said he didn't know. He atttributed t he success of his marriage to what a good woman my mother was. When I pressed him though he said he'd noticed that I often got good things, but that I was not very good at doing the maintenance. It was a metaphor . Oiling the car, cleaning my room. My father was always fixing things. He was from an older more mature world. I'm from the consumer generation. We get something new and when it gets old we throw it away.
I threw away perfectly good women.
Mother Mary comes to me.
I Corinthians 13 says:
Love is patient - Now I can truthfully say that I would argue till the cows come home that I am patient and was patient but when I truthfully reflect on my marriage, I was very impatient. I am a man who is in fact impatient alot with women in general. I think that Winston Churchhill beat Adolf Hitler and women after that war let Eva Brawn beat Mrs. Churchill. I've been terrribly impatient for women to become more sophisticated politically and recognise the divide and conquer of the powerful left. I am frustrated by their naivity in the workplace and the reduction in doctors income directly associated with the increase in the percentage of women. I've been horrified by the sexist female judges who have found hundreds of cases consecutively against me. Mostly I hate abortion and the women who advocate the mass murder of Canadian children. I feel sorry for the mothers who are victimized by the likes of Morgetaller's wife, who has 3 children herself but let her husband kill thousands of Canadian babies. That said I admire so many women, women like my mother, my aunts, my cousins, my teachers. I admire women who stand up against the sexual abuse of men. I admired my wife in so many ways. But I've been an impatient man. And yet I'd falsely think of myself as 'loving' despite the obvious truth that to be loving one must be patient.
Love is kind - I'm mostly kind but I remember with shame some of the things I did and said to those women I would have said I loved. I 'm not saying they were saints. Several times they almost got me killed and us killed. They were only human but I said unkind things. I used to congratulate myself that I never hit my wife but I 'struck them with words'. I called them 'unloving' and yet here I was the kettle calling the pot black. If I could take so much back that I said I would. I loved asking Dr. Gutowski how he ensures his marriage is so successful, and admiring his response. "I never argue with my wife,Bill". It was true of what I saw to. Arguments are about "who" is right whereas discussions are about 'what" is right.
I guess the Christmas season is so sad for me because it is a time of family and I realize each Christmas that I'm alone and that it was my inadequacy in loving that is the reason for this. I think of myself as a loving person. I even feel I'm loving. But I couldn't last more than 7-10 years living with another despite trying it several times. After a half dozen years I'd become disappointed with giving and working and no children and all the financial cost of wives and feeling I was ever compromising and blaming. I don't think you can be a lover and a blamer as well. I tell everyone to beware of people who tell you how bad their ex was because they're soon be telling everyone how bad you were. Young people love to blame and deny responsibility. As we get older we can see our own faults and begin to accept responsibility for 'our part'. It takes 'two to tango', 'two to love' and 'two to war'. The legal profession makes a fortune off of blaming and shaming and naming. It's good business but is isn't love.
It does not envy - I don't envy so much now. Well maybe I do. I 'd like a lear jet and I'd like to jet set about the world with someone else paying and go to these insane climate change meetings and talk nonsense and swagger and hob nob. I like a party as much as the next guy if someone else is picking up the tab. I compare too much. I remember in my 20's I'd look at my wife and she was blond and suddenly I liked the black haired girls and the red heads and wonder if the guys with those girls were having a better time. I remember seeing movies of lots of sex and thinking that I was getting short changed because my wife wasn't 'creative' in bed. I used to suggest things and get shot down all the time. I could joke and say most women would draw the line at barnyard animals but I never did suggeest that and what I did suggest would be called lame by todays standards. So I did compare and I did envy others and that's simply not loving. I also envied my wives. I'd work two jobs and support them better than I could imagine but they always expected me to pay and I did. I envied pimps who were paid for by women and felt victimized all the time by women demanding and expecting me to pay two fold. I envied. I'd think it was worse because I was married to rich girls but their money went to their stuff whereas my money went to 'us'. So in the end I was paying all the time and they'd complain if I wanted to anything for myself. They always wanted me to give them more money while t hey kept their money to themselves. I envied her for her self centeredness and selfishness. I envied her for being such a princess. But that's not loving. Yet I thought I was loving.
Love does not boast....I dont think I was a boaster. I've been open and shared about things but I haven't 'boasted' but when I've been put down I've retaliated and that's not loving. Most of my life I've heard women boasting. Every day on news and tv and in the world around me women are going on ad infinitum about things women are doing. It doesn't matter any more if a man goes up in a space ship or sails around the world. It 's generally ignored . But if a woman does anything it's like the end of the world. Fireworks and alarms. And always it's said that 'in the past' men were celebrated so today men are not going to be. But I wasn't a man 'in the past'. In my world to day I've just worked and if I get anything it's given to me without fan fare. Men are supposed to work and shut up and mostly that's what I've done. I threw parties and did all manner of celebrating the activities of women. I've been a cheerleader for lots of folk but the fact is I wasn't as sexist as the women are. They seem to boast these days and my wife certainly would go on and on and on about her achievements. So I don't think this applies to me.
It is not proud. I have had pride. I know that God works through me but I used to think I was special in ways. I took things for granted and was glad of my achievements. I didn't compete with others but I competed with myself and enjoyed the progress. today I'm jsut holding on and surviving so I know I was proud when I was younger. That's not loving.
Love does not dishonor others. I was very disagreeable to my mother in law. She was psychotic and viscious and insane and so verbally abusive my ex and verbally and physically abusive of her husbands and a lying. I didn't need to tell my wife about the short comings of her family. The drunkeness and drug addiction and perversion in the family was well known to her. If I wanted to honor her I'd celebrate the positives rather than hitting home the negatives. I was a real shit when I think back on that. I was callous and judgemental and wish I could take it back. I wished I'd read the bible and been a better more forgiving person.
Love is not self seeking. Well I was self seeking. I can think about blow jobs and how I was wanting those and how it didn't matter how un fair her behaviour was given how much I pleasured her in the end I was completely self seekign sexually and while I thought I was doing what she wanted I really didn't discuss it or ask for honest feed back. We didn't talk much and the last year or so there just wasn't any sex and later I was angry about the abortion. That's the way I was and I look back and feel how poorly and unloving I was while I blamed her for being unloving. I actually thought I was loving when I really wasn't. Not in the detail , not daily, lots of times but I was mostly focused on my work, worried for ever about this case or that case, trying desperately to keep somebody alive and not put nearly the time or energy into keeping my marriage alive. I was a good doctor but a lousy husband.
I've got to go now but this is my Christmas season. Pretty sad and lots of self recrimination. It's the darkest time of the year and I seem to remember fondly the loveliest of women, those I left behind. I'm no Rockwell portrait. I wish that I read the Bible daily. I'm trying. I think if I was married I'd make it a must to read the whole list of First Corinthians 13 and keep it like a 'to do' list.
When I asked my father why he thought my marriage failed, he said he didn't know. He atttributed t he success of his marriage to what a good woman my mother was. When I pressed him though he said he'd noticed that I often got good things, but that I was not very good at doing the maintenance. It was a metaphor . Oiling the car, cleaning my room. My father was always fixing things. He was from an older more mature world. I'm from the consumer generation. We get something new and when it gets old we throw it away.
I threw away perfectly good women.
Mother Mary comes to me.
John 8: 42 NIV Study Bible
"If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God and now I am here. I have not come on my own but he sent me. Because you are unable to hear what I say, you belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.”
The message of Jesus Christ is that God is not some old white hair guy or gal sitting on a cloud directing the universe. The Cosmic Christ is God Immanent. God manifested himself in the world. His son, his image, his word are here and now with us. That word is the word of truth.
To me that is as true as ‘scientific truth’. The Creationist knows God first manifest himself in Nature before the Fall and before the Cross. Within nature there is the perfection and messages found in the matter of fractals, in the triangle, in the hologram. There are immeasurably signs that man and nature did not just happen but were conceived. A monkey given time simply could not compose as does Bach. The Big Bang theory, a foundation of science, states that there is a ‘finite’ time from creation. Within that time, a monkey simply could not compose as Bach. Countless other matters of creation could not have ‘evolved’ simply because there is not the amount of time for evolution to occur. Further the idea of mutation doesn’t take into account that most mutation is devolutionary not evolutionary. Understanding science and string theory and quantum physics scientists see the hand of God. Even Einstein, a theorist, said ‘God does not play with dice.’ This life is not ‘random’ but there is purpose.
I believe my purpose in life is truth. The language of truth is fundamental. The deep evil of political correctness language, the language of the demonic, is that it confuses truth. “My truth”, says the devil. Of course we all know that there are many perceptions and many angles of vision and experience. Yet in the end, we agree on truth in science. It’s called objectivity. My truth is subjectivity. Together we know more than as one. Together we can. The irony and hypocricy and utter deceit of the left and politically correct is their fixation on the ‘consensus opinion’ of ‘climate change’ yet they themselves insist on the language of ‘my truth’. The very truth was the thing of ‘consensus’ not an individual claim. The devil lies. The devil is deceit. There is a yes and a no. We know all is grey but the ‘aha’ moment gives us insight and discernment so that no everything isn’t true. There is truth. It is from God. It is the truth of science and gravity here on earth. It is the truth of right and wrong. There is morality.
Smoking marijuana and drinking excessively there is a blurring of the world. Everything is okay. This is not enlightenment but devolution to a lower level of non discrimination. A child puts everything into his mouth and learns that poisons are not to be taken. The drug addict is so accepting so ‘chill’, so ‘cool’. ‘Take it easy, Man, everything is cool.” No it’s not. That’s the devil speaking. That’s a lie. Everything is not ‘cool’. Maybe in some metaphysical way it is but right here and now the killing of a child would not be cool. Ironically if I offer to taken the drug addict’s drug, suddenly this generous easy going guru of enlightenment becomes more truthful. The same with the politicians and rich men and women who are generous with the goods, labour and money of others. It is not that they are evil but they do seem to heed the devil more than they heed the father. They are leaders who lead from behind not those who charge with the troops.
The historical Jesus said he was from God and that God sent him. Fundamentally I don’t know how I got here. I know from stories I was born to my mother but I don’t even remember it. I don’t remember my time in the womb. I have a birth certificate. I presume that I exist as Descartes so simply stated, “I think therefore I am” (Cogito ergo sum). But I don’t know if I spontaneously occurred or was sent. It’s an act of humility to consider that I might not have the capacity to ‘self create’. I know about sperm and eggs and that whole biological cycle but it’s all ancient and truly mysterious and difficult and unpredictable and even sketchy in parts that there is today no ‘consensus’ on the ‘start’ of human life. The abortionists, great lovers of the devil, rich ruthless men and women who are the greatest of murderers and deceivers who have argued that it is not murder to kill even a full grown child in the mother’s womb about to be naturally born. These men and women for money would kill babies and toddler if they could convince the world that they were good. The devil is the great deceiver. But no we don’t quite know with utter certainly if God invests the fetus with life at the moment of egg meeting sperm or perhaps later in the womb. Indeed religionists say that each life is ‘predestined’. This means that God meant for the birth to occur. God mean for the egg to meet the sperm and life to follow. God did not mean for abortion to occur.
In this scenario there is a life purpose, that is God and there is the death purpose that is the Devil’s. Freud called this ‘life wish’, eros and death wish, thanatos. The devil is murderous. This dichotomy of good and evil is of this world , where truth and lie exist. There is night and day. There is evidence of particle and wave. Flow and stasis. Right and wrong. Truth and lie. The language is not ‘my truth’ and ‘your truth’ but rather ‘my perception of truth’ and ‘your perception of truth’ otherwise these politically correct nut bars would have us saying ‘my light’ and ‘your light’ and the pc police would have you arrested if you insisted at midnight in utter darkness that ‘its’ night’ not ‘day’.
Language is the first casualty of war. And don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a war. The devil is in the detail. The politically correct speakers are demonic. They are liars. They would try to convince us that ‘black is white’ so we will accept that ‘your money is my money’ and ‘your life is my life’. Political correctness in all it’s forms is evil.
Jesus Christ was without sin. To sin is to ‘miss the mark’. It means ‘to sin’ is to err. My intention when I shoot my rifle at a target is to hit the bullseye. When I miss I have ‘sinned’. To those who argue that all is ‘determined’ and ‘all is fate’ and that they have no accountability and no responsibility then there can be no sin. Yet I have observed these sinners all my life and they are very specifically willing to accept praise and reward for what they do but unwilling to accept punishment and blame. They are above the law. Their truth is narcissism. Their father is the devil. They ‘change history’ to agree with what they want because they do not want to admit that their ‘purpose’ was other and that good came regardless of their intent. They would argue that ‘good things’ happen and ‘bad things happen’ and they were ‘lucky’ and you were ‘un lucky’. They deny they ‘fix’ the games because they are liars. The devil is a murderer and a liar. If all is ‘accidental’ then the devil doesn’t have to be accountable. They never accept responsibility for their behaviour but would rather ‘deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie’.
Now the old language of the Bible is nonetheless a valid language. I can use the word ‘karma’ instead of ‘retribution’. I can put the language of Jesus into the California message of the Secret. I can talk about the first law of physics as God and the second law of physics as the devil. I can show the opposing forces in the universe physically and ask why there would not be opposing forces in man. I feel there is a ‘good’ way to do something and a ‘bad’ way. If I want to build something I can do it with ‘efficiency’ and ‘least waste and destruction’ or I can cause the most havoc and crisis to achieve my end. The idea of good and bad, or good and evil is throughout our world and our society. We question the decisions that serve the fewest and celebrate those decisions that benefit the most.
Increasingly there are bankers and financial folk who trade in companies and acquire drugs that cure and yet they price them at maximum profit and show no interest in the outcomes of their decision and how they would affect a sick child. There is a back lash. It’s karma. It’s Jesus. It’s Christ. Life’s a bitch. But there seems to be a connection between kicking and mule and being kicked back. We know in war that more people are killed by ‘friendly fire’ and the ‘stupid decisions of leaders’ than by the enemy bullets. This push back is everywhere. This is ‘truth’.
Now the politically correct would lie and lie extensively. Truth is truth. It’s not a possession. The new consumer society would say this is ‘my planet’. This is ‘my galaxy’. This is ‘my creation’. They sound like little children because they have not morally or emotionally developed. They are not diaper trained either. Jesus recognized that the world was full of children and he loved the children. So he said, “forgive them for they know not what they do’. They are the tool of the devil. They are deluded. They are the zombies who are taken over by political correctness and other godless lies.
Of course it’s not ‘cool’ to think of the Devil as a serpent. Just like it’s not cool to think of God as a white haired elder out on a cloud. Just as God is immanent so is the devil. The devil is that which is inside you that is destructive. God is that which is creative. God and the devil are two voices inside each of us.
Jesus is asking which you will call your Father. There is choice. And you will be accountable.
The message of Jesus Christ is that God is not some old white hair guy or gal sitting on a cloud directing the universe. The Cosmic Christ is God Immanent. God manifested himself in the world. His son, his image, his word are here and now with us. That word is the word of truth.
To me that is as true as ‘scientific truth’. The Creationist knows God first manifest himself in Nature before the Fall and before the Cross. Within nature there is the perfection and messages found in the matter of fractals, in the triangle, in the hologram. There are immeasurably signs that man and nature did not just happen but were conceived. A monkey given time simply could not compose as does Bach. The Big Bang theory, a foundation of science, states that there is a ‘finite’ time from creation. Within that time, a monkey simply could not compose as Bach. Countless other matters of creation could not have ‘evolved’ simply because there is not the amount of time for evolution to occur. Further the idea of mutation doesn’t take into account that most mutation is devolutionary not evolutionary. Understanding science and string theory and quantum physics scientists see the hand of God. Even Einstein, a theorist, said ‘God does not play with dice.’ This life is not ‘random’ but there is purpose.
I believe my purpose in life is truth. The language of truth is fundamental. The deep evil of political correctness language, the language of the demonic, is that it confuses truth. “My truth”, says the devil. Of course we all know that there are many perceptions and many angles of vision and experience. Yet in the end, we agree on truth in science. It’s called objectivity. My truth is subjectivity. Together we know more than as one. Together we can. The irony and hypocricy and utter deceit of the left and politically correct is their fixation on the ‘consensus opinion’ of ‘climate change’ yet they themselves insist on the language of ‘my truth’. The very truth was the thing of ‘consensus’ not an individual claim. The devil lies. The devil is deceit. There is a yes and a no. We know all is grey but the ‘aha’ moment gives us insight and discernment so that no everything isn’t true. There is truth. It is from God. It is the truth of science and gravity here on earth. It is the truth of right and wrong. There is morality.
Smoking marijuana and drinking excessively there is a blurring of the world. Everything is okay. This is not enlightenment but devolution to a lower level of non discrimination. A child puts everything into his mouth and learns that poisons are not to be taken. The drug addict is so accepting so ‘chill’, so ‘cool’. ‘Take it easy, Man, everything is cool.” No it’s not. That’s the devil speaking. That’s a lie. Everything is not ‘cool’. Maybe in some metaphysical way it is but right here and now the killing of a child would not be cool. Ironically if I offer to taken the drug addict’s drug, suddenly this generous easy going guru of enlightenment becomes more truthful. The same with the politicians and rich men and women who are generous with the goods, labour and money of others. It is not that they are evil but they do seem to heed the devil more than they heed the father. They are leaders who lead from behind not those who charge with the troops.
The historical Jesus said he was from God and that God sent him. Fundamentally I don’t know how I got here. I know from stories I was born to my mother but I don’t even remember it. I don’t remember my time in the womb. I have a birth certificate. I presume that I exist as Descartes so simply stated, “I think therefore I am” (Cogito ergo sum). But I don’t know if I spontaneously occurred or was sent. It’s an act of humility to consider that I might not have the capacity to ‘self create’. I know about sperm and eggs and that whole biological cycle but it’s all ancient and truly mysterious and difficult and unpredictable and even sketchy in parts that there is today no ‘consensus’ on the ‘start’ of human life. The abortionists, great lovers of the devil, rich ruthless men and women who are the greatest of murderers and deceivers who have argued that it is not murder to kill even a full grown child in the mother’s womb about to be naturally born. These men and women for money would kill babies and toddler if they could convince the world that they were good. The devil is the great deceiver. But no we don’t quite know with utter certainly if God invests the fetus with life at the moment of egg meeting sperm or perhaps later in the womb. Indeed religionists say that each life is ‘predestined’. This means that God meant for the birth to occur. God mean for the egg to meet the sperm and life to follow. God did not mean for abortion to occur.
In this scenario there is a life purpose, that is God and there is the death purpose that is the Devil’s. Freud called this ‘life wish’, eros and death wish, thanatos. The devil is murderous. This dichotomy of good and evil is of this world , where truth and lie exist. There is night and day. There is evidence of particle and wave. Flow and stasis. Right and wrong. Truth and lie. The language is not ‘my truth’ and ‘your truth’ but rather ‘my perception of truth’ and ‘your perception of truth’ otherwise these politically correct nut bars would have us saying ‘my light’ and ‘your light’ and the pc police would have you arrested if you insisted at midnight in utter darkness that ‘its’ night’ not ‘day’.
Language is the first casualty of war. And don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a war. The devil is in the detail. The politically correct speakers are demonic. They are liars. They would try to convince us that ‘black is white’ so we will accept that ‘your money is my money’ and ‘your life is my life’. Political correctness in all it’s forms is evil.
Jesus Christ was without sin. To sin is to ‘miss the mark’. It means ‘to sin’ is to err. My intention when I shoot my rifle at a target is to hit the bullseye. When I miss I have ‘sinned’. To those who argue that all is ‘determined’ and ‘all is fate’ and that they have no accountability and no responsibility then there can be no sin. Yet I have observed these sinners all my life and they are very specifically willing to accept praise and reward for what they do but unwilling to accept punishment and blame. They are above the law. Their truth is narcissism. Their father is the devil. They ‘change history’ to agree with what they want because they do not want to admit that their ‘purpose’ was other and that good came regardless of their intent. They would argue that ‘good things’ happen and ‘bad things happen’ and they were ‘lucky’ and you were ‘un lucky’. They deny they ‘fix’ the games because they are liars. The devil is a murderer and a liar. If all is ‘accidental’ then the devil doesn’t have to be accountable. They never accept responsibility for their behaviour but would rather ‘deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie’.
Now the old language of the Bible is nonetheless a valid language. I can use the word ‘karma’ instead of ‘retribution’. I can put the language of Jesus into the California message of the Secret. I can talk about the first law of physics as God and the second law of physics as the devil. I can show the opposing forces in the universe physically and ask why there would not be opposing forces in man. I feel there is a ‘good’ way to do something and a ‘bad’ way. If I want to build something I can do it with ‘efficiency’ and ‘least waste and destruction’ or I can cause the most havoc and crisis to achieve my end. The idea of good and bad, or good and evil is throughout our world and our society. We question the decisions that serve the fewest and celebrate those decisions that benefit the most.
Increasingly there are bankers and financial folk who trade in companies and acquire drugs that cure and yet they price them at maximum profit and show no interest in the outcomes of their decision and how they would affect a sick child. There is a back lash. It’s karma. It’s Jesus. It’s Christ. Life’s a bitch. But there seems to be a connection between kicking and mule and being kicked back. We know in war that more people are killed by ‘friendly fire’ and the ‘stupid decisions of leaders’ than by the enemy bullets. This push back is everywhere. This is ‘truth’.
Now the politically correct would lie and lie extensively. Truth is truth. It’s not a possession. The new consumer society would say this is ‘my planet’. This is ‘my galaxy’. This is ‘my creation’. They sound like little children because they have not morally or emotionally developed. They are not diaper trained either. Jesus recognized that the world was full of children and he loved the children. So he said, “forgive them for they know not what they do’. They are the tool of the devil. They are deluded. They are the zombies who are taken over by political correctness and other godless lies.
Of course it’s not ‘cool’ to think of the Devil as a serpent. Just like it’s not cool to think of God as a white haired elder out on a cloud. Just as God is immanent so is the devil. The devil is that which is inside you that is destructive. God is that which is creative. God and the devil are two voices inside each of us.
Jesus is asking which you will call your Father. There is choice. And you will be accountable.
Journal - Dec. 1, 2015
I awoke this morning and the awful chill was gone. I live in a trailer. I leave the electric heater on at night. The electric blanket does the rest. When I want to blast the place with warmth I turn on the propane heater. I do that when I come home and when I get up in the morning.
It has been so cold the last few nights that I've been waking because my bare arm had got out from under the blanket and was chilled.
This morning I awoke and it was warm. I commented on this to Gilbert the cockapoo. "Gilbert," I said. "It's warm". He looked back at me intelligently with just a touch of snyde. "Yes, but would you hurry up and pee so I can get out and sniff shit and pee myself."
And sure enough, when we went outside it was 'wet'. Yesterday there had been this white frozen Eastern/Northern Canada all over.
That's when I realized what was happening. This was the beginning of the Paris Climate Change Conference. And with all that hot air, gleeful hand rubbing and conference sex the temperature of the planet had gone up another degree.
Gilbert found the perfect place to poop. Life went on. I'm personally grateful for the warmth. Normal people, those who actually live and work and walk on the planet have moved with weather and wars and such. The greatest migrations were in the Ice Age. There are migrations with war now. But those migrating don't want to move to the north. My Scottish and Irish forebears did just that.
I'm a northern. We're not that disappointed to have summer lengthen and the winter shorten. It's not happened yet but we're hoping.
We've always welcomed migrants to the northern regions of our country but mostly they gravitate to the southern cities. They complain that there's no one in the north and nothing to do. My grandfather and people from Europe came here to the north west and built the cities and roads and railways. It's been a matter of pride for me to sing Gordon Lightfoot's song, Canadian Railway Trilogy. I doubt the new migrants will know that song. It was written and sung in English.
Mostly I hear that everything that Europeans did was wrong. The black tribes that colonized Africa and the Asian tribes that coolonized Asia and the Aboriginal tribes that colonized America now are taught to hate the last colonist. It's called 'terms of reference'. The game goes like this. I hit you countless times but when you hit back, we start the game there and I call you a colonist. That's what happened with the Muslim invaders. Now the Crusaders are evil for defending Europe from the invasions in Spain and Italy.
The way this goes, the Jews were the ones who hurt Germany and the Japanese were the victims of WWII. Maybe our soldiers who fought in wars will be arrested and shot. That's what the Communists did to their allies.
I am afraid to leave my home somedays because of the hate that is happening right now. Not hundreds of years in the past but right now. Strangers attack me verbally and say I'm a horrible being because I'm white. Second they say I'm priviledged because I was born in Canada and that I have to give everything to them.
I know from my work that when people get free stuff and don't have to work for it, they don't learn anything more than theiving. Because begging when there is work to do is a kind of thieving.
There's lots of work to be done in Northern Canada.
Saskatchewan needs a northern city desperately. BC has Prince George and Alberta has Edmonton but Saskatchewan needs it's northern city.
Now old man Trudeau, the father of the present pretty boy son. He actually set up 'work camps' for the young in the north. I visitted one in Northern Ontario. The young men of Canada built a community up there in the cold fighting off the mosquitos and black flies. The work was 'public work' and the kids were really glad to do it.
Like the American Peace Corp but inside the country. This was the great vision of the day.
If the planet warms a bit, maybe then we'll get a city or two more in Northern Canda.
Funny how no one ever cared about the cold in the north. Suddenly those living lives of luxury in the equatorial hot belt where they pretty much outlawed Christianity and have been persecuting, killing, and torturing Christians and other Europeans for as long as man can remember, everyone there wants us here to help them. I'd be glad if we offered them land in the north and let them get out of their war zone and help build this nations that my family certainly has invested countless lives in.
I'd like to see that. I'd also like to have heathens stop biting the hand that feeds. My mother taught me that you don't get by in life doing and saying bad things to people if you want them to be your friends and help you. But then you are actually calling my mother and all white mothers dirty stupid whores. I know you're trying to do it in a politically correct way. Political correctness is the idea that you can pick up a tourd by the clean end. I know you have a very bad potty mouth and lie but I don't think it's right you call my mother and all white and Christian and European and Canadian mothers dirty colonizing white priviledged whores. I'd like you to stop that.
I'd really like the courts of Canada to hold legally accountable what people who are speaking in other languages are saying that amount to 'hate speech' in English. I've had countless languages translated to learn what people from other countries are calling me and mine and if I said anything close to that I'd be in jail. So I'm waiting for a list of the worlds 'expressions' in the various languages that are banned. Until then I get the feeling that the courts aren't working for Canada but are indeed trying to destroy me.
Freud said when they came to rescue him from the Nazis, "Maybe the paranoids are right."
That's the way I feel with all these southerners demanding money for air conditioning, taxing my breathing, cause that's where CO2 comes from and restricting 'freedom of speech' the very thing that my grandparents and their grandparents fought for. Freedom of Speech is what is 'democracy'.
And if another person calls me 'colonizing white priviledge Canadian', I think I should be able to call them a "dangerous coloured priviledged invader".
Now that's been my thinking and soon I'll keep such thoughts to myself so that my throat doesn't get slit in the night. I've studied history and thats what comes next. The fact is, most everyone I talk to feels they're lost, either the banks and courts here are going to turn them into worse slaves or the new migrants are going to riot and ruin the country with demand for handouts. I'm watching what happens in Sweden and Denmark and am concerned as I'm getting old er when I won't be able to work and I see so many young people collecting pensions that Canadians wanted to reward the old who had worked their lives for Canada with. Instead this money, our future reward, the reward for our soldiers and our old is being given away to those who have never served Canada and won't even go to the north to work.
But that's my frustration these days.
It comes down to fear. I'm afraid for the future. The antidote is to focus on the day. I know God is in the present. I have to trust God and live for today. Carpe Diem. Tomorrow isn't here and God will take care of this. If we're lucky management will be rewarded as all of us are rewarded with 'doing unto others as we would do unto them.' No body in Canada really is upset with migrants or the southern climate beggars. We're just collectively tired of everyone claiming they're more victim than you are. There will need to be a new Darwin's Award and a Canadian Award to compete with the Olympics, and the Canadian Award will be for those who are the greatest whiners and beggars. It's a welfare thing now but it really should take itself less seriously.
It's the season too. I'm supposed to be thinking of the birth of Christ and the renewal of the world but instead I'm distracted by the News.
I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to be more loving and caring to the people I know. These things going on in Paris and the Middle East are all above my care grade and I know management on this planet given its lies and wars is Satanic. I'm holding out for the afterlife. I believe that if I change my perspective here I will see the best now and the best will also come. If I focus on the insaneity of my leadership's decision and the deceitful propaganda of the media I'll become just like them.
But now it's shower and clothing and get to work time.
Thank you Lord for Gilbert getting better. Thank you for the warming of today. Thank you for truth and free speech. Thank you for the sacrifices of my family through generations for democracy and freedom. Thank you for the food I've got and the clothing I've got and the work I've got. Thank you for my education. Thank you for today's warmth. God bless to all. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
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