Latest life review

I woke at 4 am today. I was having a good sleep and sweet dreams with visitations of family who have passed,  I’d gone to bed early at 9 and read till 10 am,  It seems that 6 hours is all the sleep I need now. I tried to return to sleep but didn’t.  I cuddled Madigan petting him and repeated prayers. At 5 am I climbed out of bed to begin my day,  Toilet and shave and brushing hair.  It was chilly. I was in tshirt and underwear but pulled on sone sweats,

I brought out the chair I use and sat to meditate,  I was there for a half hour.  

I am asking God to keep me sober and sane. I pray for family and friends and patients., I ask for meaning and purpose and guidance. Today I prayed that he would take my hand and lead me. I’ve had enough directions, I have so many maps But still i wander off course. I feel lost. Even though I’m probably not. On a good day I’d see it as playing hide and seek with God. Now I’m just a bit tired winding down to being off work. 

I’m looking forward to heading south. I’m like the birds.  The child has touched me, Migration time, I’ve fulfilled a myriad of tasks with passports and chip up date for the dog, truck maintenance and camper maintenance, I’ve arranged for storage.  Last night I took a couple of large bags of clothes and shoes to the storage bin, many moving parts. 

The Post Office Strike has interfered with my Christmas gift giving.  A number of toys were returned and now I don’t know what I’ve sent. I’ll ask the parents.

I’ve been concerned about finances .It’s unreasonable and I need to be grateful. The trigger is travel and time off.  It bothers me that Trudeau has been so incompetent, corrupt and a spend thrift causing excess inflation and continuing to give our money to illegal imnmigrants,  I’m going through the states and the Canadian dollar is only 70 cents under Trudeau. 

The media is full of stories of criminal behaviour and every once in a while i feel anxious about adventure, I’m like a Hobbit older, I could just stay home then one day I’ll just stay in bed.  I asked Peter who gypsies with his Allegra and Larry if he was concerned about the election affecting Southern California.  He wasn’t . That was assuring, I don’t want to be in riots with a camper a dog and a Vespa.  

I’m better equipped for virtual work and travel this year. I enjoy my Apple office and Starlink and cellular communication.In fact I want to go to do it one more time at least to prove to myself I’ve honed the skill, I’m actually looking forward more to visiting relatives in May, seeing the little ones, I’d go there rather than south but am concerned about driving difficult roads in winter.  I have the outboard boat to bring back too. Fishing plans.

God I am yours.  You have given me this life, You are my creator,  I don’t consider myself a random event.  My presence is solely due to your grace, I am blessed too with the fond memories of parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors. It’s been a hard journey but with discipline, resilience and struggle I’ve come through this far.  I still am weighted by the memories of trauma, humiliation, failure, shame, struggle conflict. That’s not a true reflection of the journey but rather the errors of my media mind.  If it bleeds it leads.  I’m so thankful that more often now I’m reminded of all the blessings I’ve received.  God, you are good all the time, 

I ‘d love to tell my mother I loved her one more time, I ‘d love to tell my father I loved him one more time. I ‘d like to say the same to my Aunt Sally and brother Ron,  I’d love to say farewell to ex wives and intimate friends and remember them for the best not the worst. I want to be more forgiving. I do miss sex and nudity and the carefree confidence of youth. 

I feel alone and must remember you are there and there is a phone I can call others with,  I’m more of a recluse due to my work,  I don’t like the pain but won’t exercise enough.

I’m not sure of religion or politics.  It’s confusing.  I don’t like that Biden pardoned his coke addicted psychopath of a son, the king pin in his criminal family but then I’d pardon my son if I was a father. I’m too indulgent of my dog,

I watched BLITZ last night and enjoyed it though I don’t like the secular religion preachiness about racism and socialism.  There was even a Jews soft selling Marx and portraying the physical as spiritual,  Capitalism and corporatism and progress I’m weary of the out dated politics.  I’m enjoying Yellowstone.

What I do get excited about is the Starship.  I like the idea of space travel, I want to meet other races from other planets, I want to be enlightened by Jesus Christ, the trans dimensional being who will lift me out of my ego and limitation and tendency to catastrophic and self pity,.  I am the hero in my Joseph Campbell Journey but the Fool in the deck of tarot. I grieve my innocence and want sophistication but fell trapped between the two,  Twin spirited,  I missed church on Sunday. I slept in. I enjoyed hearing Christmas carol on Praise in the car and singing along.

I would do that which is right but don’t and i would not do that which i wrong but I do,  Sin and addiction, I look for joy and god in the wall of creation or in my mind. I love laughter,

I am grateful, I go to the clinic to day so have to dress.  I’ll see Mary Lou and Garry. There’s a new doctors Roberts I don’t know and  the new young psychiatrist. I realize I’m the old elephant and feel the lack of respect but know I’m just tolerated till there’s a drought and everyone needs the old again.  I was thinking how Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran wrote and sang soothing music like lullabies.  We need our love stories but they we faced Vietnam and now there’s Ukraine and Syria and Israel and South China Seas,  There’s a cacophony of noise and the young people want to either express anger in rap or be soothed by pretty. 

 I wanted awakening when I was young, looking to religion and philosophy anthropology, science, psychology, for answers, I readDoystoyevski ,  Black like me and Gun Germs and Steel later. . Now I’ve just read gene and artificial intelligence,  I was thankful to pass the Oxford course on Prehistory and write an essay on shamanism,  I’m thankful to have had Adell and Aim to reach out to.  I too easily forget that I know the best of the best people and they are there to help.  I think of Phillip Ney and want to visit but he’s on the island and I’ve not taken the camper on the ferry.  Then there’s Willie too and both have the Bible and family. They’re father’s and related to God the father but I’m a childless man and think of aunts and uncles,  I’m anima and animus.  I’m a childlsss man.  

I have to pay the WPATH and Doctor dues.

I have a dog, Thank you God for Madigan,  He’s come close to being neutered and to being euthanized ,  I worry about his viciousness when he’s around Laura and yet alone with me he’s adorable. I don’t know about the dynamic of three,  Two adults and a child, He constantly wants to be the boss in that arrangement annd is psychotic trying to hump her, something about hormones, pheromes and treats. and feels that Laura and He are together against me. It’s a classic Mother Son against Father dischord.  I’ m back in family 101 and don’t want to be trying to guide women. The same dynamic occurs over and over , the under mining,  the female lion and old male.  No wonder we want to be alone.  Then I’m with my dog and we’re okay and she’s off with her whole social network.  It’s all about sex.  She’s here and  I’m unable to control my dog’s behaviour .  I think it’s microcosm of society and our times. The Muslim religion with four wives and sex slaves and concubines is flouring while Christian me go without sex or gay. The feminists are outdated and strange with major masochistic or rape fantasies wanting Hamma over Israel.. 

My dogs before were different and socialized,  this guy is a covid dog with little socialization in the first year adn then terrible trauma with hair cuts and now very anxious and defensive yet dependent and adorable. I just feel he’s my responsibility. I have this duty streak and the gene is strong.  Like truth and love and a whole group of other traits we called Christian or Canadian or such.  Now they’re all disparaged by our leadership and media and we’re condemned. All our successes are being taken from us and torn down while we’re disarmed and the women are celebrating the pretty boys.  Long necked women of the bible,  Toxic masculinity. Dirty whites. Kill bill. There’s even a movie and the rats and mice. Feed at night on the dead left over from the war.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I loved when Cunk said she was asked what she was going to do in 5 years and she said she was just trying to get to Friday.  

I enjoyed the VSO at the Opheum and loved the  violinist playing Stravinsky. I do like Tausk too. A lovely evening,  We're going to Bach Choirs’ Hansel’s Messiah at the symphony this week. I would like to go to the Nutcracker,  RWB is in town and Goh is doing it again.  I liked the Pacific Theatre Christmas show in the past but haven’t been so engaged since Ron stepped down. I have not been to a ballet this year. I am looking forward to going to the theatre and museum in LA and maybe San Diego. I’ve been reading up on the Impressionists and wanted to go to Berlin, Vienna and Venice. Laura is better now she’s seen a doctor.  The issue of health and stamina and financies are all ‘limiting’ especially as I have the disease of ‘more’.  What I need is more gratitude and more presence,  Practicing the presence of God.  

I’m enjoying the Ethiopian coffee. I roasted more beans on the weekend.  

Thank you Jesus for a new day. May I serve you and do the best I can and be the best doctor today.  Thank you

  

Journal - Dec. 1, 2015

I awoke this morning and the awful chill was gone.  I live in a trailer.  I leave the electric heater on at night.  The electric blanket does the rest.  When I want to blast the place with warmth I turn on the propane heater.  I do that when I come home and when I get up in the morning.

It has been so cold the last few nights that I've been waking because my bare arm had got out from under the blanket and was chilled.

This morning I awoke and it was warm.  I commented on this to Gilbert the cockapoo.  "Gilbert," I said. "It's warm".  He looked back at me intelligently with just a touch of snyde. "Yes, but would you hurry up and pee so I can get out and sniff shit and pee myself."

And sure enough, when we went outside it was 'wet'.  Yesterday there had been this white frozen Eastern/Northern Canada all over.  

That's when I realized what was happening.  This was the beginning of the Paris Climate Change Conference.  And with all that hot air, gleeful hand rubbing and conference sex the temperature of the planet had gone up another degree.

Gilbert found the perfect place to poop. Life went on.  I'm personally grateful for the warmth.  Normal people, those who actually live and work and walk on the planet have moved with weather and wars and such.  The greatest migrations were in the Ice Age.  There are migrations with war now. But those migrating don't want to move to the north. My Scottish and Irish forebears did just that.  

I'm a northern.  We're not that disappointed to have summer lengthen and the winter shorten. It's not happened yet but we're hoping.  

We've always welcomed migrants to the northern regions of our country but mostly they gravitate to the southern cities.  They complain that there's no one in the north and nothing to do.  My grandfather and people from Europe came here to the north west and built the  cities and roads and railways.  It's been a matter of pride for me to sing Gordon Lightfoot's song, Canadian Railway Trilogy.  I doubt the new migrants will know that song.  It was written and sung in English.  

Mostly I hear that everything that Europeans did was wrong.  The black tribes that colonized Africa and the Asian tribes that coolonized Asia and the Aboriginal tribes that colonized America now are taught to hate the last colonist. It's called 'terms of reference'.  The game goes like this. I hit you countless times but when you hit back, we start the game there and I call you a colonist.  That's what happened with the Muslim invaders.  Now the Crusaders are evil for defending Europe from the invasions in Spain and Italy.

The way this goes, the Jews were the ones who hurt Germany and the Japanese were the victims of WWII.   Maybe our soldiers who fought in wars will be arrested and shot. That's what the Communists did to their allies. 

I am afraid to leave my home somedays because of the hate that is happening right now. Not hundreds of years in the past but right now. Strangers attack me verbally and say I'm a horrible being because I'm white.  Second they say I'm priviledged because I was born in Canada and that I have to give everything to them. 

I know from my work that when people get free stuff and don't have to work for it, they don't learn anything more than theiving. Because begging when there is work to do is a kind of thieving.

There's lots of work to be done in Northern Canada.  

Saskatchewan needs a northern city desperately.  BC has Prince George and Alberta has Edmonton but Saskatchewan needs it's northern city.  

Now old man Trudeau, the father of the present pretty boy son. He actually set up 'work camps' for the young in the north. I visitted one in Northern Ontario. The young men of Canada built a community up there in the cold fighting off the mosquitos and black flies.  The work was 'public work' and the kids were really glad to do it. 

Like the American Peace Corp but inside the country.  This was the great vision of the day.

If the planet warms a bit, maybe then we'll get a city or two more in Northern Canda. 

Funny how no one ever cared about the cold in the north.  Suddenly those living lives of luxury in the equatorial hot  belt where they pretty much outlawed Christianity and have been persecuting, killing, and torturing Christians and other Europeans for as long as man can remember, everyone there wants us here to help them.  I'd be glad if we offered them land in the north and let them get out of their war zone and help build this nations that my family certainly has invested countless lives in.  

I'd like to see that.  I'd also like to have heathens stop biting the hand that feeds. My mother taught me that you don't get by in life doing and saying bad things to people if you want them to be your friends and help you. But then you are actually calling my mother and all white mothers dirty stupid whores. I know you're trying to do it in a politically correct way.  Political correctness is the idea that you can pick up a tourd by the clean end.  I know you have a very bad potty mouth and lie but I don't think it's right you call my mother and all white and Christian and European and Canadian mothers dirty colonizing white priviledged whores. I'd like you to stop that.

I'd really like the courts of Canada to hold legally accountable what people who are speaking in other languages are saying that amount to 'hate speech' in English. I've had countless languages translated to learn what people from other countries are calling me and mine and if I said anything close to that I'd be in jail. So I'm waiting for a list of the worlds 'expressions' in the various languages that are banned.  Until then I get the feeling that the courts aren't working for Canada but are indeed trying to destroy me. 

Freud said when they came to rescue him from the Nazis, "Maybe the paranoids are right."

That's the way I feel with all these southerners demanding money for air conditioning, taxing my breathing, cause that's where CO2 comes from and restricting 'freedom of speech' the very thing that my grandparents and their grandparents fought for.  Freedom of Speech is what is 'democracy'.

And if another person calls me 'colonizing white priviledge Canadian', I think I should be able to call them a "dangerous coloured priviledged invader".  

Now that's been my thinking and soon I'll keep such thoughts to myself so that my throat doesn't get slit in the night. I've studied history and thats what comes next. The fact is, most everyone I talk to feels they're lost, either the banks and courts here are going to turn them into worse slaves or the new migrants are going to riot and ruin the country with demand for handouts.  I'm watching what happens in Sweden and Denmark and am concerned as I'm getting old er when I won't be able to work and I see so many young people collecting pensions that Canadians wanted to reward the old who had worked their lives for Canada with. Instead this money, our future reward, the reward for our soldiers and our old is being given away to those who have never served Canada and won't even go to the north to work.  

But that's my frustration these days.  

It comes down to fear. I'm afraid for the future.  The antidote is to focus on the day.  I know God is in the present.  I have to trust God and live for today. Carpe Diem. Tomorrow isn't here and God will take care of this.  If we're lucky management will be rewarded as all of us are rewarded with 'doing unto others as we would do unto them.'  No body in Canada really is upset with migrants or the southern climate beggars. We're just collectively tired of everyone claiming they're more victim than you are. There will need to be a new Darwin's Award and a Canadian Award to compete with the Olympics, and the Canadian Award will be for those who are the greatest whiners and beggars.  It's a welfare thing now but it really should take itself less seriously.

It's the season too. I'm supposed to be thinking of the birth of Christ and the renewal of the world but instead I'm distracted by the News.  

I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to be more loving and caring to the people I know. These things going on in Paris and the Middle East are all above my care grade and I know management on this planet given its lies and wars is Satanic.  I'm holding out for the afterlife. I believe that if I change my perspective here I will see the best now and the best will also come. If I focus on the insaneity of my leadership's decision and the deceitful propaganda of the media I'll become just like them.  

But now it's shower and clothing and get to work time.  

Thank you Lord for Gilbert getting better. Thank you for the warming of today. Thank you for truth and free speech. Thank you for the sacrifices of my family through generations for democracy and freedom. Thank you for the food I've got and the clothing I've got and the work I've got. Thank you for my education. Thank you for today's warmth.  God bless to all. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.