Latest life review

I woke at 4 am today. I was having a good sleep and sweet dreams with visitations of family who have passed,  I’d gone to bed early at 9 and read till 10 am,  It seems that 6 hours is all the sleep I need now. I tried to return to sleep but didn’t.  I cuddled Madigan petting him and repeated prayers. At 5 am I climbed out of bed to begin my day,  Toilet and shave and brushing hair.  It was chilly. I was in tshirt and underwear but pulled on sone sweats,

I brought out the chair I use and sat to meditate,  I was there for a half hour.  

I am asking God to keep me sober and sane. I pray for family and friends and patients., I ask for meaning and purpose and guidance. Today I prayed that he would take my hand and lead me. I’ve had enough directions, I have so many maps But still i wander off course. I feel lost. Even though I’m probably not. On a good day I’d see it as playing hide and seek with God. Now I’m just a bit tired winding down to being off work. 

I’m looking forward to heading south. I’m like the birds.  The child has touched me, Migration time, I’ve fulfilled a myriad of tasks with passports and chip up date for the dog, truck maintenance and camper maintenance, I’ve arranged for storage.  Last night I took a couple of large bags of clothes and shoes to the storage bin, many moving parts. 

The Post Office Strike has interfered with my Christmas gift giving.  A number of toys were returned and now I don’t know what I’ve sent. I’ll ask the parents.

I’ve been concerned about finances .It’s unreasonable and I need to be grateful. The trigger is travel and time off.  It bothers me that Trudeau has been so incompetent, corrupt and a spend thrift causing excess inflation and continuing to give our money to illegal imnmigrants,  I’m going through the states and the Canadian dollar is only 70 cents under Trudeau. 

The media is full of stories of criminal behaviour and every once in a while i feel anxious about adventure, I’m like a Hobbit older, I could just stay home then one day I’ll just stay in bed.  I asked Peter who gypsies with his Allegra and Larry if he was concerned about the election affecting Southern California.  He wasn’t . That was assuring, I don’t want to be in riots with a camper a dog and a Vespa.  

I’m better equipped for virtual work and travel this year. I enjoy my Apple office and Starlink and cellular communication.In fact I want to go to do it one more time at least to prove to myself I’ve honed the skill, I’m actually looking forward more to visiting relatives in May, seeing the little ones, I’d go there rather than south but am concerned about driving difficult roads in winter.  I have the outboard boat to bring back too. Fishing plans.

God I am yours.  You have given me this life, You are my creator,  I don’t consider myself a random event.  My presence is solely due to your grace, I am blessed too with the fond memories of parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors. It’s been a hard journey but with discipline, resilience and struggle I’ve come through this far.  I still am weighted by the memories of trauma, humiliation, failure, shame, struggle conflict. That’s not a true reflection of the journey but rather the errors of my media mind.  If it bleeds it leads.  I’m so thankful that more often now I’m reminded of all the blessings I’ve received.  God, you are good all the time, 

I ‘d love to tell my mother I loved her one more time, I ‘d love to tell my father I loved him one more time. I ‘d like to say the same to my Aunt Sally and brother Ron,  I’d love to say farewell to ex wives and intimate friends and remember them for the best not the worst. I want to be more forgiving. I do miss sex and nudity and the carefree confidence of youth. 

I feel alone and must remember you are there and there is a phone I can call others with,  I’m more of a recluse due to my work,  I don’t like the pain but won’t exercise enough.

I’m not sure of religion or politics.  It’s confusing.  I don’t like that Biden pardoned his coke addicted psychopath of a son, the king pin in his criminal family but then I’d pardon my son if I was a father. I’m too indulgent of my dog,

I watched BLITZ last night and enjoyed it though I don’t like the secular religion preachiness about racism and socialism.  There was even a Jews soft selling Marx and portraying the physical as spiritual,  Capitalism and corporatism and progress I’m weary of the out dated politics.  I’m enjoying Yellowstone.

What I do get excited about is the Starship.  I like the idea of space travel, I want to meet other races from other planets, I want to be enlightened by Jesus Christ, the trans dimensional being who will lift me out of my ego and limitation and tendency to catastrophic and self pity,.  I am the hero in my Joseph Campbell Journey but the Fool in the deck of tarot. I grieve my innocence and want sophistication but fell trapped between the two,  Twin spirited,  I missed church on Sunday. I slept in. I enjoyed hearing Christmas carol on Praise in the car and singing along.

I would do that which is right but don’t and i would not do that which i wrong but I do,  Sin and addiction, I look for joy and god in the wall of creation or in my mind. I love laughter,

I am grateful, I go to the clinic to day so have to dress.  I’ll see Mary Lou and Garry. There’s a new doctors Roberts I don’t know and  the new young psychiatrist. I realize I’m the old elephant and feel the lack of respect but know I’m just tolerated till there’s a drought and everyone needs the old again.  I was thinking how Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran wrote and sang soothing music like lullabies.  We need our love stories but they we faced Vietnam and now there’s Ukraine and Syria and Israel and South China Seas,  There’s a cacophony of noise and the young people want to either express anger in rap or be soothed by pretty. 

 I wanted awakening when I was young, looking to religion and philosophy anthropology, science, psychology, for answers, I readDoystoyevski ,  Black like me and Gun Germs and Steel later. . Now I’ve just read gene and artificial intelligence,  I was thankful to pass the Oxford course on Prehistory and write an essay on shamanism,  I’m thankful to have had Adell and Aim to reach out to.  I too easily forget that I know the best of the best people and they are there to help.  I think of Phillip Ney and want to visit but he’s on the island and I’ve not taken the camper on the ferry.  Then there’s Willie too and both have the Bible and family. They’re father’s and related to God the father but I’m a childless man and think of aunts and uncles,  I’m anima and animus.  I’m a childlsss man.  

I have to pay the WPATH and Doctor dues.

I have a dog, Thank you God for Madigan,  He’s come close to being neutered and to being euthanized ,  I worry about his viciousness when he’s around Laura and yet alone with me he’s adorable. I don’t know about the dynamic of three,  Two adults and a child, He constantly wants to be the boss in that arrangement annd is psychotic trying to hump her, something about hormones, pheromes and treats. and feels that Laura and He are together against me. It’s a classic Mother Son against Father dischord.  I’ m back in family 101 and don’t want to be trying to guide women. The same dynamic occurs over and over , the under mining,  the female lion and old male.  No wonder we want to be alone.  Then I’m with my dog and we’re okay and she’s off with her whole social network.  It’s all about sex.  She’s here and  I’m unable to control my dog’s behaviour .  I think it’s microcosm of society and our times. The Muslim religion with four wives and sex slaves and concubines is flouring while Christian me go without sex or gay. The feminists are outdated and strange with major masochistic or rape fantasies wanting Hamma over Israel.. 

My dogs before were different and socialized,  this guy is a covid dog with little socialization in the first year adn then terrible trauma with hair cuts and now very anxious and defensive yet dependent and adorable. I just feel he’s my responsibility. I have this duty streak and the gene is strong.  Like truth and love and a whole group of other traits we called Christian or Canadian or such.  Now they’re all disparaged by our leadership and media and we’re condemned. All our successes are being taken from us and torn down while we’re disarmed and the women are celebrating the pretty boys.  Long necked women of the bible,  Toxic masculinity. Dirty whites. Kill bill. There’s even a movie and the rats and mice. Feed at night on the dead left over from the war.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I loved when Cunk said she was asked what she was going to do in 5 years and she said she was just trying to get to Friday.  

I enjoyed the VSO at the Opheum and loved the  violinist playing Stravinsky. I do like Tausk too. A lovely evening,  We're going to Bach Choirs’ Hansel’s Messiah at the symphony this week. I would like to go to the Nutcracker,  RWB is in town and Goh is doing it again.  I liked the Pacific Theatre Christmas show in the past but haven’t been so engaged since Ron stepped down. I have not been to a ballet this year. I am looking forward to going to the theatre and museum in LA and maybe San Diego. I’ve been reading up on the Impressionists and wanted to go to Berlin, Vienna and Venice. Laura is better now she’s seen a doctor.  The issue of health and stamina and financies are all ‘limiting’ especially as I have the disease of ‘more’.  What I need is more gratitude and more presence,  Practicing the presence of God.  

I’m enjoying the Ethiopian coffee. I roasted more beans on the weekend.  

Thank you Jesus for a new day. May I serve you and do the best I can and be the best doctor today.  Thank you

  

Journal

All is well. I’m actually enjoying life and am very grateful. I’ve peace of mind and trust in God.  I continue to muddle along in uncertainty but there’s no chaos or impending doom or imminent threats. I don’t feel like I did at times in the past. I have moments and event occasional difficult days but I have more hope. I don’t feel like I’m struggling so much. I really am trudging the road of happy destiny.  

I feel grateful for the people in my life, for Madigan, for work and the basics Maslow talks about in his pyramid, hierarchy of needs.

My mood fluctuates with my immediate financial situation.  I like to be able to pay taxes and have my credit cards and finances in order with input and output matching. I was disappointed in the cost of my camper repairs and the cost of a spring hunting trip.  The damage wasn’t all done this year but the repairs were $12000 and I wondered about the camper. I had the same feeling about the boat before I sold it.  The cost was more than the pleasure.  Repairs and maintenance on things has me remembering how I enjoyed life studying living across from the university, enjoying my apartment and the library. I had a bicycle back then. 

Now I have an F350 truck, a Mini Cooper, a Harley Nightstr Special, a Honda Tracker quad and now a Vespa GT Super tech 300.  I’ve a large RV and a Camper. I have a storage locker and stuff.  I’m outfitted for hunting.  I’m outfitted for travel.  I have a home office. I really am in limbo though.. I had thought when Ron was sick I’d move to Ontario. I also had the opportunity to work in Calgary.  All seemed likely then but Covid hit, I acquired a Starlink dish and began to work virtual from home. I’ve made two trips to Yuma in winter for a few months,  I enjoy working 4 days a week and only going to the clinics a half day a week.  I’ve Madigan as a companion and he’s slowly developing a brain so he’s less a rascal. I love him,  

I really like my neighbours. I really like the people I work with. I love Laura. She’s been my friend for decades now.  My family is great.  My sister in law Adell is truly amazing and I like the nephews , their wives and children.  I feel guilty that I’ve not made a trip to see them.  A New Year’s resolution.  I love the god children and god family. I like my church.

I was so happy to submit an essay again after reaching out for help from colleagues to complete the work.  It’s an arbitrary load I took on that was  attracting my attention in a peculiar way.  

Too many friends and family have died. I’ve been grieving since before Covid.  Hank, Scotty, Bernie, Ron, George, Vivian. Don and more.  A few short years. Not so long ago Mom and Dad died too. I m older and the wedding announcement season has become the  obituary season. Meanwhile I’ve muddled along doing the next right thing.  Mostly I’ve been really focused on living one day at a time.  

I’ve attended my home group weekly, make it to church once or twice a month and do a couple of on line meetings a week.  The summer was good.

I loved buying the new Vespa and putting the relatively new Harley Davidson Nightster Special in Storage.  Locally they said only one motorcycle and in the city the Vespa reigned.  In a week and a bit I’m getting the rack and box installed. It’s lighter than the Harley by a hundred pounds or so , so should be easier to get on and off the trucks front rack.  I’m thinking this trip down south  I’ll maybe even boon dock some. I’m hoping to stay in LA and maybe in Rosario Mexico.  The Harley was heavy and once I’d unloaded it in Yuma it was fine for a couple of month but I resisted taking it off and on.  I will fine that I don’t have that resistance with the Vespa,  Even now I don’t mind riding it in the city. I rode it at night in the city too. With the harley I felt at more risk more under attack.  On the scooter I’m sitting up and it’s automatic transmission and the other drivers don’t seem aggressive. I feel I could wear a skirt on the Vespa but not the Harley..

I stopped and spoke with a patient whose been calling and their despair and anger and fear and so much of what is associated with early recovery emotionally was broadcast at the nervous system level.I realized when I got off the phone that I’m daily faced with what I ‘ve called in the past ‘loudness’, the emotional turmoil.  Some even call it ‘soul sucking’ theatre horrible neediness. Most people spend the least amount of time with such emotionally raw people.. Those in recovery are ‘depressed’ and ‘anxious’ but the tone is always ‘angry and blaming’.  It’s the same distinction for unipolar depression and bipolar depression, that sadness of one and the  angry fearful edge of the other. I’m upset now.  I was so serene before,  after myself being in my own meeting and visiting with friends and having a good sunday escape.

I talked with my retired colleague and he said how relaxed and serene he was when he didn’t go into the office and face the administration and patients. The Adminisistration is so autorcratic and ignorant of their anger themselves. 

I ‘m fatigued now.  Worn down.  It’s my day off yet I answer these calls and  normally pick the time I call but this weekend I’ve let people access me directly because they’ve been leaving messages and when I call them I can’t reach them.  Anyway I’m roasting coffee beans.  All roasted. Terrific fresh roasted Ethiopian coffee been fragrance.

Just had a wonderful visit from Dave.  He’s taking my 2000 generator for the old 1000.  Now I’ve the 3200 I don’t need the 2000 but it’s too big to store while  the  1000 is small easy to keep for emergency.  He’s said he’d take Madigan if Laura and I travelled. We’d trust him with Madigan, his friend. Dave cared for his dog Emory for 18 years.  He ‘s a really good guy.  Lovely people,

Now it’s been a full fall. Laura and I did the Thanksgiving Hunt driving up to Cache Creed spending a night in Canyon Alpine RV park one night then a few nights in Willow RV park outside Clinton. I rode the Honda Tracker looking for a place legal for ATV but not finding one so hiking in and sat in ambush dusk and dawn not seeing anything but getting exercise. We loved the site.  Beautiful place but found the remote for the Happy Jacks not working. Rest of trip I had to do manual wrenching of the jacks up and down.  

We drove the day we left Willow to Beaver dam campsite on Meadow Road.Now we set up off grid for the week. I had the Honda 2000 generator providing electricity for Starlink and the electric appliances. I love my expresso coffee maker.. I have a stove top maker but really like the electric one. I unloaded the Honda Tracker ATV.  Laura stayed in the camper and read.  Madigan and I each day headed out on the ATV exploring. I shot 5 grouse that week. I saw three times as many. Madigan fetched each one I shot.  So cute waddling back with a grouse in his mouth.  

We had propane for heat and stove and hot water. We had lots of propane, having only used one tank off grid for a week. I had lots of gas   I only used a couple of 5 gallons taken for the generator and ATV. I had at least another 2 five gallon jugs when we left. I worried about water as that’s gone in the past but Laura was really good rationing. Songs bathing. Little dish washing. Paper plates.  We actually had 2 five gallons jugs for water left.

It began to snow on Friday. I’d not seen deer or moose and the grouse don’t come out when it’s raining or snowing. I was tired of the routine and don’t like snow. Too many life memories of blizzards, sliding off roads and equipment damage..  I packed up. It only takes at most an hour. We had the cows that hung out around us visit us to watch us off.  Then we were carefully driving on the wet logging road with an inch of wet snow on top.  4x4 and soon we were on the highway which was just wet.  Thank God. 

South of Clinton we were out of the snow and drove past Boston Bar down to the warmth of Hope staying in the Native campgrounds for the night.

Our fun with Starlink was Lincoln Lawyer. At night after dinner, I barbecued steak and pork and sausages with boiled potatoes and peas each night, we’d watch this series we’d both enjoyed. We had ice cream too.  It was cozy and fun and Madigan loved being a part of the evening.

I unloaded the trailer at Johns and brought the camper and truck back here where we I unloaded it. We spent a couple of lazy days before Laura drove home and we both got back to work. Kelvin from Travco came and picked up the truck and camper to fix the Happy Jack problem , likely needs a new remote.  He’ll have it back next week and I’ll store it at John’s until I leave for the south end of December

Laura and I both had our vaccines this week, She’s now got a doctor since her visit to ER for her excessive period.  She was reassured but had tests and is a bit anxious. I’d be but I’m more of a hypochondriac and catastrophise.  That last episode of the flu or Covid in Delhi when I couldn’t breath and felt like I was suffocating and likely had Covid did scare me.  We’re getting older and friends are dying so there’s a wariness.  We both are thankful for our mobility and health.  Laura is better and the rest in the woods was good. She was cleared to go with me.  I think the nights of steak helped too.

I have Symphony tickets and Friday we attended the Litz and Brahms concert with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra at the Orpheum.  I’d spent the day working on the essay and sent it off submitting it and then rushing to pick up Laura downtown off Davie street.  We arrived 10 minutes late but felt good just for both of us to make it.  I really liked the Lietz . The Brahms which I’d thought of as slow and had me worried about being sleepy turned out to be heavy metal with brads and drums and no lullaby. We had dress seats on lower right balcony.  We were awake and enjoyed the evening. 

Driving at night is increasingly difficult.  Laura says she simply can’t .  I find it stressful with the pedestrians on Davie jumping out on the street out of nowhere.  A stressful experience but the whole night was worth it.  I dropped Laura at home so it really was a date night.  Next week she’s going to spend the weekend here as we have an Opera to attend. What fun.  She really is beautiful and such a good campanion. I  miss her when I go south but after a while Madigan and I get into our old bachelor routine.  We survive but I really feel the need for the sun and am anxious about getting pneumonia, despite it being called the old man’s friend.

I’m content for the first time in a long time it seems,  I really have a good life with so much to be grateful for.  God is good all the time. The salmon are having their spawning run now. I was able to take pictures with Madigan at the Brunette River.

I even had a pedicure yesterday after upgrading the Honda generator from 2000 to 3200.  My infuser had died and I have several oils so I bought a new one and have enjoyed the scent of Tantra  and the roasted coffee beans smell. I like the eucalyptus too. 

Just phoned Laura and had a lovely conversation so I’m back on track. Making another coffee and then I’ll make a sandwich and maybe walk Madigan. I’m reading the latest Reacher after months of reading scientific books and history and art and anthropology.  I’m glad for the simple Reacher. On tv I like Gibbs and McGee and Ducky and have enjoyed the relaxing routine of watching an NCIS episode before bed.  Routines.

I pray every day. I’m really blessed and thankful.  Thank you Jesus. 

Vancouver Symphony Orchestra - A Traditional Christmas - Orpheum

Laura and I thoroughly enjoyed the VSO Traditional Christmas this year.  What a treat to hear this great symphony playsuch Christmas classics as O Holy Night then Sleigh Ride. The stories told by Christopher Gaze were delightful, shorts from Scrooge and poets of  Christmas yore interspersed with the song and symphony. 

Rachel Buttress . Soprano, was so simply heavenly that I was levitated by her Holy Night and captivated by her Messiah Rejoice.  What a truly incredible  voice that filled the Orpheum packed with families of all ages.  

I’d just heard Nat King Cole on the car radio driving in and there was Odyn Mulder sounding like a flawless continuation the master.  I’ll never again hear ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open fire’ without remembering the depth, reach and richness of his Bass-Baritone voice.  

I’d not seen David Bui, the RBC Assistant Conductor but loved his presence and attunement with the symphony.  He’s young but then we noticed that there were some very young members of the VSO we didn’t remember from before Covid. God forbid that we are aging. 

We so enjoyed this concert and remembered it last at Christ Church Cathedral.  Time passes but it’s made best with these ageless moments. 

And yes, we enjoyed singing Silent Night and Hark the Herald Angels with the audience of the Orpheum accompanied by the VSO, Buttress and Mulder.  Laura was right, the Christmas spirit we were missing in the hustle of work and winter storms was indeed sparked by this gift of music joy. 

Both of us were lighter leaving the Orpheum feeling a touch of love and peace despite the appalling politics and media of this year.  Our hearts and souls were opened and we smiled at others as we went out into the night

Thank you VSO.

Hallelujah!