Latest life review

I woke at 4 am today. I was having a good sleep and sweet dreams with visitations of family who have passed,  I’d gone to bed early at 9 and read till 10 am,  It seems that 6 hours is all the sleep I need now. I tried to return to sleep but didn’t.  I cuddled Madigan petting him and repeated prayers. At 5 am I climbed out of bed to begin my day,  Toilet and shave and brushing hair.  It was chilly. I was in tshirt and underwear but pulled on sone sweats,

I brought out the chair I use and sat to meditate,  I was there for a half hour.  

I am asking God to keep me sober and sane. I pray for family and friends and patients., I ask for meaning and purpose and guidance. Today I prayed that he would take my hand and lead me. I’ve had enough directions, I have so many maps But still i wander off course. I feel lost. Even though I’m probably not. On a good day I’d see it as playing hide and seek with God. Now I’m just a bit tired winding down to being off work. 

I’m looking forward to heading south. I’m like the birds.  The child has touched me, Migration time, I’ve fulfilled a myriad of tasks with passports and chip up date for the dog, truck maintenance and camper maintenance, I’ve arranged for storage.  Last night I took a couple of large bags of clothes and shoes to the storage bin, many moving parts. 

The Post Office Strike has interfered with my Christmas gift giving.  A number of toys were returned and now I don’t know what I’ve sent. I’ll ask the parents.

I’ve been concerned about finances .It’s unreasonable and I need to be grateful. The trigger is travel and time off.  It bothers me that Trudeau has been so incompetent, corrupt and a spend thrift causing excess inflation and continuing to give our money to illegal imnmigrants,  I’m going through the states and the Canadian dollar is only 70 cents under Trudeau. 

The media is full of stories of criminal behaviour and every once in a while i feel anxious about adventure, I’m like a Hobbit older, I could just stay home then one day I’ll just stay in bed.  I asked Peter who gypsies with his Allegra and Larry if he was concerned about the election affecting Southern California.  He wasn’t . That was assuring, I don’t want to be in riots with a camper a dog and a Vespa.  

I’m better equipped for virtual work and travel this year. I enjoy my Apple office and Starlink and cellular communication.In fact I want to go to do it one more time at least to prove to myself I’ve honed the skill, I’m actually looking forward more to visiting relatives in May, seeing the little ones, I’d go there rather than south but am concerned about driving difficult roads in winter.  I have the outboard boat to bring back too. Fishing plans.

God I am yours.  You have given me this life, You are my creator,  I don’t consider myself a random event.  My presence is solely due to your grace, I am blessed too with the fond memories of parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors. It’s been a hard journey but with discipline, resilience and struggle I’ve come through this far.  I still am weighted by the memories of trauma, humiliation, failure, shame, struggle conflict. That’s not a true reflection of the journey but rather the errors of my media mind.  If it bleeds it leads.  I’m so thankful that more often now I’m reminded of all the blessings I’ve received.  God, you are good all the time, 

I ‘d love to tell my mother I loved her one more time, I ‘d love to tell my father I loved him one more time. I ‘d like to say the same to my Aunt Sally and brother Ron,  I’d love to say farewell to ex wives and intimate friends and remember them for the best not the worst. I want to be more forgiving. I do miss sex and nudity and the carefree confidence of youth. 

I feel alone and must remember you are there and there is a phone I can call others with,  I’m more of a recluse due to my work,  I don’t like the pain but won’t exercise enough.

I’m not sure of religion or politics.  It’s confusing.  I don’t like that Biden pardoned his coke addicted psychopath of a son, the king pin in his criminal family but then I’d pardon my son if I was a father. I’m too indulgent of my dog,

I watched BLITZ last night and enjoyed it though I don’t like the secular religion preachiness about racism and socialism.  There was even a Jews soft selling Marx and portraying the physical as spiritual,  Capitalism and corporatism and progress I’m weary of the out dated politics.  I’m enjoying Yellowstone.

What I do get excited about is the Starship.  I like the idea of space travel, I want to meet other races from other planets, I want to be enlightened by Jesus Christ, the trans dimensional being who will lift me out of my ego and limitation and tendency to catastrophic and self pity,.  I am the hero in my Joseph Campbell Journey but the Fool in the deck of tarot. I grieve my innocence and want sophistication but fell trapped between the two,  Twin spirited,  I missed church on Sunday. I slept in. I enjoyed hearing Christmas carol on Praise in the car and singing along.

I would do that which is right but don’t and i would not do that which i wrong but I do,  Sin and addiction, I look for joy and god in the wall of creation or in my mind. I love laughter,

I am grateful, I go to the clinic to day so have to dress.  I’ll see Mary Lou and Garry. There’s a new doctors Roberts I don’t know and  the new young psychiatrist. I realize I’m the old elephant and feel the lack of respect but know I’m just tolerated till there’s a drought and everyone needs the old again.  I was thinking how Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran wrote and sang soothing music like lullabies.  We need our love stories but they we faced Vietnam and now there’s Ukraine and Syria and Israel and South China Seas,  There’s a cacophony of noise and the young people want to either express anger in rap or be soothed by pretty. 

 I wanted awakening when I was young, looking to religion and philosophy anthropology, science, psychology, for answers, I readDoystoyevski ,  Black like me and Gun Germs and Steel later. . Now I’ve just read gene and artificial intelligence,  I was thankful to pass the Oxford course on Prehistory and write an essay on shamanism,  I’m thankful to have had Adell and Aim to reach out to.  I too easily forget that I know the best of the best people and they are there to help.  I think of Phillip Ney and want to visit but he’s on the island and I’ve not taken the camper on the ferry.  Then there’s Willie too and both have the Bible and family. They’re father’s and related to God the father but I’m a childless man and think of aunts and uncles,  I’m anima and animus.  I’m a childlsss man.  

I have to pay the WPATH and Doctor dues.

I have a dog, Thank you God for Madigan,  He’s come close to being neutered and to being euthanized ,  I worry about his viciousness when he’s around Laura and yet alone with me he’s adorable. I don’t know about the dynamic of three,  Two adults and a child, He constantly wants to be the boss in that arrangement annd is psychotic trying to hump her, something about hormones, pheromes and treats. and feels that Laura and He are together against me. It’s a classic Mother Son against Father dischord.  I’ m back in family 101 and don’t want to be trying to guide women. The same dynamic occurs over and over , the under mining,  the female lion and old male.  No wonder we want to be alone.  Then I’m with my dog and we’re okay and she’s off with her whole social network.  It’s all about sex.  She’s here and  I’m unable to control my dog’s behaviour .  I think it’s microcosm of society and our times. The Muslim religion with four wives and sex slaves and concubines is flouring while Christian me go without sex or gay. The feminists are outdated and strange with major masochistic or rape fantasies wanting Hamma over Israel.. 

My dogs before were different and socialized,  this guy is a covid dog with little socialization in the first year adn then terrible trauma with hair cuts and now very anxious and defensive yet dependent and adorable. I just feel he’s my responsibility. I have this duty streak and the gene is strong.  Like truth and love and a whole group of other traits we called Christian or Canadian or such.  Now they’re all disparaged by our leadership and media and we’re condemned. All our successes are being taken from us and torn down while we’re disarmed and the women are celebrating the pretty boys.  Long necked women of the bible,  Toxic masculinity. Dirty whites. Kill bill. There’s even a movie and the rats and mice. Feed at night on the dead left over from the war.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I loved when Cunk said she was asked what she was going to do in 5 years and she said she was just trying to get to Friday.  

I enjoyed the VSO at the Opheum and loved the  violinist playing Stravinsky. I do like Tausk too. A lovely evening,  We're going to Bach Choirs’ Hansel’s Messiah at the symphony this week. I would like to go to the Nutcracker,  RWB is in town and Goh is doing it again.  I liked the Pacific Theatre Christmas show in the past but haven’t been so engaged since Ron stepped down. I have not been to a ballet this year. I am looking forward to going to the theatre and museum in LA and maybe San Diego. I’ve been reading up on the Impressionists and wanted to go to Berlin, Vienna and Venice. Laura is better now she’s seen a doctor.  The issue of health and stamina and financies are all ‘limiting’ especially as I have the disease of ‘more’.  What I need is more gratitude and more presence,  Practicing the presence of God.  

I’m enjoying the Ethiopian coffee. I roasted more beans on the weekend.  

Thank you Jesus for a new day. May I serve you and do the best I can and be the best doctor today.  Thank you