Anxiety

It’s a word for a feeling. A sort of empty even painful hollow sort of feeling Confusing really.  Uncertainty of death.  The opposite of envy. Hearing of people you may or may not know already in assisted living ,  The undermining insertion of mimetic viruses of fear and loathing,  Clinging to the tattered remnants of faith like a flag shot through and through

I believe. 

I love.

 

I am. 

The Creator is not me or if it is me it’s the Shadow side for I know not how to fly or know with any solace the future or even the myth of the past.

If is the season of the Christmas story. Jesus of Nazareth. I’m wholly unprepared.  The Postal Strike.  The Eras Tour of Taylor Swift. The money no longer sufficient in millions or billions now being described in trillions, Inflationn and secular security.  Thieves and capitalists and communist.  The politicians and other salesmen are toting the term ‘giving Tuesday’.  The shell game continues,

I understand gambling. The allure of the dandelion petals. She loves me she loved me not.

A beggar to pass his year of requisite learning must sit with a begging bowl believing that someone will give him food and drink. He must practically accept grace and known the synchronicity of his belly and the universe.

The lack of faith id the satanic.  

The oldest law of the world or so I learned is that Chinese teaching , there are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous.  Conditional and unconditional love,

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you Mother Mary.  Thank you grand fathers and grandmothers. Thank you ancestors. Thank you relatives and friends. Thank you today.

It is 4 am, I went to bed reading Tori Ames and now am awake remembering New York and Moscow.  

Leaches , parasites and symbiotes,

I am thinking more of death, transformation from this world to the next.  Passings, Preparation,  How vulnerable, The begging bowl.

Believing, 

I am not alone.  I only knew of one man crucified or three as a child, Now I’ve learned of millions, the Armenians.I visited an Armenian church,  The priest had no illusions,

My father described men as ‘hard’, meaning their hearts were hard as in scarred. He was anxious in the end about his pension. It ran out at 90 and he lived longer than 90. His children, especially my brother reassured him.

I am today without a child or a brother and thought earlier of the woman how aborted my child and the women who withheld children not interested in anything but themselves as princess and then that day in the room with the play boy and the white dressed nurse ourdfied the door and giving her the vial of white.  The sperm were viable. I’d made all the effort and given the millions and they’d made all the promises and the media blamed it all on men,  We were stupid gullible and Pierre Trudeau pushed abortion and now Justin Trudeau continues the family hatred of Catholics and Christians killing babies, burning their churches and inviting invasion and changing the language.

I am alone,

She once described the men and women she loathed who took care of pets but did not have children,  But false allegations and lies and libel flourish in Canada so where can one be Caesar’s wife within this world of empty begging bowls,

Dog eat dog.  Rule of the jungle, 

Or forgiveness and love.  

Where can one retreat - Cappidocea , Meterora,  A good book.  

I’m watching Star Trek again, the Empire and Rebels.  God the father, God the son,  The passage of earth as a lesson in humility.  

Patience,  

I want to know you Creator.  Maybe if I’m with you I’ll grasp the Hitchiker’s Guide to Religiodity.  The Idiots guide to enlightenment,  I was fervently disappointed to learn Alan Watts was quite the drunk. I’ve thought the same of the writing of prophets and the Church has definitely had it’s drunken propes,  The Imans lust and sneak opium and hashish,

Life on life’s terms,  I am here clear witted offered a daily reprieve from demon drink.  Another escape lost to me, No wonder i follow the Mars expedition story with such interest.  And the demented escape like the psychotic to the dreams in their heads,

God is good all the time,  Thank you Jesus,