South to Sun, Eureka, Day 4, 6 am

I’m here in Eureka.  The last time I came into Eureka I was driving my Volkswagen Baha Bug, called Pendergast. It has been resurrected from a farmer’s field and used as an ambulance at the Winnipeg Folk Festival. I was fleeing a divorce and yuppie dom.  I had to use up the Thai stick before crossing the border.  I’d sold my Mustang for funds and bought the Bug for $500 and paid $500 for blue paint job and minimum to make it street legal. A trucker had hit a deer right before me at night.  We hit the carcass and were airborne.  I didn’t know at the time the axle was bent.  My young Mennonite artist friend who’d shared the driving to there departed for Eureka California.  His wanting to go there was the first I heard of the town and liked the name. 

I pulled into a coffee shop into this town wth the name Love something. .  I parked Pendergast and both front tires fell off and the car dropped to the pavement, exhausted .. I’d learn later that the lug nuts had been sheared.  The mechanic I met towed me to his shop and regaled me about the love of his life he’d met in a whorehouse. Make the best wives, he said.  Pendergast was reborn that day and I headed onto San Francisco to be with Suzanne. I was playing guitar and singing Dylan’s Don’t think twice, and Cohen’s Suzanne.  It was a hell of a ride.

Since then Ive passed through Eureka several times always meaning to stop and stay. Humboldt County folk are really fine.  My Marin friend, Suzanne’s brother said Humboldt was where they grew the best marijuana.  We’d canoed there with him and his wife when my marriage was shiny and new, a well polished thing before the rust set in.

Now I’m alone with a dog.  I already miss my friends.  These expedition adventures can be lonely. I left the Alder Dune Campground yesterday , pleased I’d used my new Honda 3200i generator. It had been a cosy night in a fine off road campground, no amenities, just the grand outdoors.  It poured all night.  I was glad for the generator and electric heater. I could save on propane.  I was up at 5 am then too.  Just like today.  It was hard finding my way out of the camp in the utter darkness. I had to get out several times with a flashlight to ensure I was on the trail.  Back on the 101 it wasn’t long before I made Florence. I’d just been reading about the Medici and Michelangelo and Da Vinci.  I was glad to fill up a propane tank at a gas station beside a Macdonald’s. Madigan liked his sausage paddi and I liked the refill of coffee the sausage egger and bun and greasy hash browns. Part of the trip is the road food.  

In Coose Bay I went on line and enjoyed a meeting.  Colleagues and friends.  I don’t feel entirely safe but am present.  I’m amazed with one of my mentors.  Like so many he’s more than 5 years older than me, some are 10 years older.  So many are retired or semi retired.  I enjoyed another fellow sharing how he didn’t explode when a teller ignored his crutches and asked him to get another box since she couldn’t read the price.  He said how he’d have exploded years ago.  I shared how I mellowed too being patient while waiting for all the paper work and regulation related to getting a new phone to replace the one I’d dropped.  I expressed appreciation and gratitude for the progress. The topic was integrity.  Outside and inside. I’ve felt I had been well trained in morality and ethics in my Baptist faith and my friends said ‘get off the cross we can use the wood’.  Well it’s’ better I’m still working on Arendt and the Nuremberg scenario and the Serenity Prayer.  My iPad died then.  I had been distracted by the ambivalent invitation to share, “if you want to share’ and a person leaving for another commitment and then this iPad death. I’ve carried a resentment about a fellow who plays it safe and doesn’t share but interrogated me once such that I had to stop him and recognierd he was just relatively new in sobriety and struggling with judgement the issue issue I struggle with  these days. Judgment and comparison,

I’d wanted to say that I’m feeling good and glad to have learned that the resentment I carried and dealt with were more often these days about people who were dead. I had the thought earlier that detectives say it’s likely a crime of passion when they find multiple gunshots or stabs to the body’.  i expected I’d desecrate graves.  Something about the Irish Scottish heritage.  I thought it was funny and progress. But the iPad died and I being paranoid thought no one liked me I’d been cut off. I’d looked an there’d been 10 minutes and I’d only shared a few minutes when that happened.  A better explanation was that I’d used up the cell phone time on the iPad. I couldn’t get it to come back on.  But there I was reflecting on being rather happy and content but not able to conclude on a higher note than Arendt and Nuremberg.

The truth is that’s where I was then. I’ve been away of how poor I am which is silly but with Canadian dollar going for 65Cents to the American dollar I feel like the poor cousin. I’ve also felt that my integrity in my work cost me outrageously as the colleagues at the hospital who were mum about the unnecessary deaths that I spoke to an stopped had gone on to greater wealth and position. I left in disgust and still judge unfairly.  I didn’t have children and I didn’t play it safe.  I was frustrated at myself and concerned about my future running scenarios of past false accusations and the cost of integrity.  I felt like the Count of Monte Christi but had fore gone recvenge for Christian forgiveness.

I was driving south with my mind no longer at peace. I also couldn’t phone anyone because I didn’t have my contact list.  I was also emotionally disturbed and had a couple of near misses driving. Jesus definitely took the wheel when I almost drove into a cliff the sun in my eyes and my not seeing the road had a sharp turn.  Forgiveness is for my sake. it’s to give me peace of mind.  Before the meeting I had relative peace of mind. I wrote yesterday a fine piece on spirituality and was resting on my laurels when I felt this judgment and rejection.  

it’s also that I’m alone.  My mind is a bad neighbourhood and I shouldn’t go there alone. I’m experiencing envy .  There are these character flaws and I have hear that while I have pain others have shared their surgeries and pain and I’ve felt apart of as they’ve shared their experience, strength and hope. But I found it interesting that I didn’t know about the pain and struggle till now thought we ‘ve shared together several times in the year. I’;ve listened too.  I’ ve shared honestly about my struggles I’ve even shared my issues with gender and felt the velvet shame associated.  I shared to about the proxy wars that women have waged using authorities to punish men .  Today they have their children and it’s a challenge as I see with my effect of my dog on my life. But the single women collectively ride on the shirt tails of chivalry. I tend to self pity.  

I’ve struggled with those who say I’m number one or compete and yet I’ve been content to be number two as God is one.  I’ve spiritually struggled with thy will. Thy will be done not my will yet I’ve so often been challenged by those who seek superiority to deal with their inferiority. I shot Billy the Kid.  Today the young men kick dirt in the faces of the old men.  I wonder how long before they throw dirt on us. Jesus died in his 30’s. I was pretty good then physically but today I am struggling with integrity. In the 12 step program the least done and hardest part is the Step 4 recommendation to address resentment to people, institutions and principles.  Ive pretty much done my step 4 regarding people several times I’ve also addressed institutions such as the school, legal system, bank, college and even marriage. But principles such as integrity still come up to bite me.  I note that so many people now are becoming ‘spiritual’ after they have pensions and wealth made sometimes not so licitly .  I don’t hear of amends being made either.  I am not a beaming example. But its apparent that the Peter Principle was at play in the hierarchy.  I struggle with regrets of leaving the university and see life as that of thee ‘regular’ army and the ‘scouts’ and I’ve remained a scout.  The ‘regular armies’ are principles that I struggle with the ancient history of the Celts and Romans and later the Crusaders and Islam.  Then today there’s the identification with the aggressor that pays.

Well all this insanity was playing in my mind while the most extraordinary creations of God were flying by on either side of me. I loved the beaches of Oregon and Northern California. I loved driving by Gold Beach when I spent a week last year and loved walking each day on the beach.  I loved being on the beach where my dog Madigan who’d had his eyes removed for hereditary glaucoma had memories of our beaches and sailing. For the first time since his surgery all the while he’d been timid and afraid, here he came with me and we ran together on the beach. It was the first he’d run free in months. I’d try to get him to run with me in the park but he so feared slamming into something, Yet here I ran with glee and I was so uplifted to see that and feel his joy and be thankful.  Madigan also loved running to me and sniffing all around.  It was different. He’s been a cuddle bug the whole way down, leaning up against me and rssting his head on my leg as we drive  away the miles. 

We came upon the herd of Elk and I loved getting pictures I can be proud of. I was thankful I had my big Nikon and if I hadn’t broken my phone I might not have had it out.  Using it has taken me back to all the joys I’ve had from photography.  I’m engaging in my world.  I’m living in thee present.  I’m praying and yet I’ve had my mind awaken in funny ways. I sang Jesus Loves me and then Suzanne and other songs. I’ve listened to the radio a bit enjoying Christian music.  Since my phone had all my audiobooks I’ve not been able to listen to books on the way down.  Coming back last year I loved Louise Penny. I’ve downloaded some to audible and last night got them ready to play on the ipad.  I’m muddling along. I was pleased to pass into California.  The light seemed just a bit brighter.  The rain had stopped and the sun came out a bit

I was pleased to make Eureka and find this 4 star RV park. The campground cost $31 us , more like $45 Canadian while this place with all the amenities costs $65 American which is more like $90.  A buck is a buck . I’m grateful Thank you Jesus.

Thank you Godl

Thank you for a new day,  Guide me in my thoughts and action,  Show me the way.  Protect family and friends and be with Madigan and I as we travel south.  Today’s destination is to get through SAN Francisco.  Thank you God.