Journal

All is well. I’m actually enjoying life and am very grateful. I’ve peace of mind and trust in God.  I continue to muddle along in uncertainty but there’s no chaos or impending doom or imminent threats. I don’t feel like I did at times in the past. I have moments and event occasional difficult days but I have more hope. I don’t feel like I’m struggling so much. I really am trudging the road of happy destiny.  

I feel grateful for the people in my life, for Madigan, for work and the basics Maslow talks about in his pyramid, hierarchy of needs.

My mood fluctuates with my immediate financial situation.  I like to be able to pay taxes and have my credit cards and finances in order with input and output matching. I was disappointed in the cost of my camper repairs and the cost of a spring hunting trip.  The damage wasn’t all done this year but the repairs were $12000 and I wondered about the camper. I had the same feeling about the boat before I sold it.  The cost was more than the pleasure.  Repairs and maintenance on things has me remembering how I enjoyed life studying living across from the university, enjoying my apartment and the library. I had a bicycle back then. 

Now I have an F350 truck, a Mini Cooper, a Harley Nightstr Special, a Honda Tracker quad and now a Vespa GT Super tech 300.  I’ve a large RV and a Camper. I have a storage locker and stuff.  I’m outfitted for hunting.  I’m outfitted for travel.  I have a home office. I really am in limbo though.. I had thought when Ron was sick I’d move to Ontario. I also had the opportunity to work in Calgary.  All seemed likely then but Covid hit, I acquired a Starlink dish and began to work virtual from home. I’ve made two trips to Yuma in winter for a few months,  I enjoy working 4 days a week and only going to the clinics a half day a week.  I’ve Madigan as a companion and he’s slowly developing a brain so he’s less a rascal. I love him,  

I really like my neighbours. I really like the people I work with. I love Laura. She’s been my friend for decades now.  My family is great.  My sister in law Adell is truly amazing and I like the nephews , their wives and children.  I feel guilty that I’ve not made a trip to see them.  A New Year’s resolution.  I love the god children and god family. I like my church.

I was so happy to submit an essay again after reaching out for help from colleagues to complete the work.  It’s an arbitrary load I took on that was  attracting my attention in a peculiar way.  

Too many friends and family have died. I’ve been grieving since before Covid.  Hank, Scotty, Bernie, Ron, George, Vivian. Don and more.  A few short years. Not so long ago Mom and Dad died too. I m older and the wedding announcement season has become the  obituary season. Meanwhile I’ve muddled along doing the next right thing.  Mostly I’ve been really focused on living one day at a time.  

I’ve attended my home group weekly, make it to church once or twice a month and do a couple of on line meetings a week.  The summer was good.

I loved buying the new Vespa and putting the relatively new Harley Davidson Nightster Special in Storage.  Locally they said only one motorcycle and in the city the Vespa reigned.  In a week and a bit I’m getting the rack and box installed. It’s lighter than the Harley by a hundred pounds or so , so should be easier to get on and off the trucks front rack.  I’m thinking this trip down south  I’ll maybe even boon dock some. I’m hoping to stay in LA and maybe in Rosario Mexico.  The Harley was heavy and once I’d unloaded it in Yuma it was fine for a couple of month but I resisted taking it off and on.  I will fine that I don’t have that resistance with the Vespa,  Even now I don’t mind riding it in the city. I rode it at night in the city too. With the harley I felt at more risk more under attack.  On the scooter I’m sitting up and it’s automatic transmission and the other drivers don’t seem aggressive. I feel I could wear a skirt on the Vespa but not the Harley..

I stopped and spoke with a patient whose been calling and their despair and anger and fear and so much of what is associated with early recovery emotionally was broadcast at the nervous system level.I realized when I got off the phone that I’m daily faced with what I ‘ve called in the past ‘loudness’, the emotional turmoil.  Some even call it ‘soul sucking’ theatre horrible neediness. Most people spend the least amount of time with such emotionally raw people.. Those in recovery are ‘depressed’ and ‘anxious’ but the tone is always ‘angry and blaming’.  It’s the same distinction for unipolar depression and bipolar depression, that sadness of one and the  angry fearful edge of the other. I’m upset now.  I was so serene before,  after myself being in my own meeting and visiting with friends and having a good sunday escape.

I talked with my retired colleague and he said how relaxed and serene he was when he didn’t go into the office and face the administration and patients. The Adminisistration is so autorcratic and ignorant of their anger themselves. 

I ‘m fatigued now.  Worn down.  It’s my day off yet I answer these calls and  normally pick the time I call but this weekend I’ve let people access me directly because they’ve been leaving messages and when I call them I can’t reach them.  Anyway I’m roasting coffee beans.  All roasted. Terrific fresh roasted Ethiopian coffee been fragrance.

Just had a wonderful visit from Dave.  He’s taking my 2000 generator for the old 1000.  Now I’ve the 3200 I don’t need the 2000 but it’s too big to store while  the  1000 is small easy to keep for emergency.  He’s said he’d take Madigan if Laura and I travelled. We’d trust him with Madigan, his friend. Dave cared for his dog Emory for 18 years.  He ‘s a really good guy.  Lovely people,

Now it’s been a full fall. Laura and I did the Thanksgiving Hunt driving up to Cache Creed spending a night in Canyon Alpine RV park one night then a few nights in Willow RV park outside Clinton. I rode the Honda Tracker looking for a place legal for ATV but not finding one so hiking in and sat in ambush dusk and dawn not seeing anything but getting exercise. We loved the site.  Beautiful place but found the remote for the Happy Jacks not working. Rest of trip I had to do manual wrenching of the jacks up and down.  

We drove the day we left Willow to Beaver dam campsite on Meadow Road.Now we set up off grid for the week. I had the Honda 2000 generator providing electricity for Starlink and the electric appliances. I love my expresso coffee maker.. I have a stove top maker but really like the electric one. I unloaded the Honda Tracker ATV.  Laura stayed in the camper and read.  Madigan and I each day headed out on the ATV exploring. I shot 5 grouse that week. I saw three times as many. Madigan fetched each one I shot.  So cute waddling back with a grouse in his mouth.  

We had propane for heat and stove and hot water. We had lots of propane, having only used one tank off grid for a week. I had lots of gas   I only used a couple of 5 gallons taken for the generator and ATV. I had at least another 2 five gallon jugs when we left. I worried about water as that’s gone in the past but Laura was really good rationing. Songs bathing. Little dish washing. Paper plates.  We actually had 2 five gallons jugs for water left.

It began to snow on Friday. I’d not seen deer or moose and the grouse don’t come out when it’s raining or snowing. I was tired of the routine and don’t like snow. Too many life memories of blizzards, sliding off roads and equipment damage..  I packed up. It only takes at most an hour. We had the cows that hung out around us visit us to watch us off.  Then we were carefully driving on the wet logging road with an inch of wet snow on top.  4x4 and soon we were on the highway which was just wet.  Thank God. 

South of Clinton we were out of the snow and drove past Boston Bar down to the warmth of Hope staying in the Native campgrounds for the night.

Our fun with Starlink was Lincoln Lawyer. At night after dinner, I barbecued steak and pork and sausages with boiled potatoes and peas each night, we’d watch this series we’d both enjoyed. We had ice cream too.  It was cozy and fun and Madigan loved being a part of the evening.

I unloaded the trailer at Johns and brought the camper and truck back here where we I unloaded it. We spent a couple of lazy days before Laura drove home and we both got back to work. Kelvin from Travco came and picked up the truck and camper to fix the Happy Jack problem , likely needs a new remote.  He’ll have it back next week and I’ll store it at John’s until I leave for the south end of December

Laura and I both had our vaccines this week, She’s now got a doctor since her visit to ER for her excessive period.  She was reassured but had tests and is a bit anxious. I’d be but I’m more of a hypochondriac and catastrophise.  That last episode of the flu or Covid in Delhi when I couldn’t breath and felt like I was suffocating and likely had Covid did scare me.  We’re getting older and friends are dying so there’s a wariness.  We both are thankful for our mobility and health.  Laura is better and the rest in the woods was good. She was cleared to go with me.  I think the nights of steak helped too.

I have Symphony tickets and Friday we attended the Litz and Brahms concert with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra at the Orpheum.  I’d spent the day working on the essay and sent it off submitting it and then rushing to pick up Laura downtown off Davie street.  We arrived 10 minutes late but felt good just for both of us to make it.  I really liked the Lietz . The Brahms which I’d thought of as slow and had me worried about being sleepy turned out to be heavy metal with brads and drums and no lullaby. We had dress seats on lower right balcony.  We were awake and enjoyed the evening. 

Driving at night is increasingly difficult.  Laura says she simply can’t .  I find it stressful with the pedestrians on Davie jumping out on the street out of nowhere.  A stressful experience but the whole night was worth it.  I dropped Laura at home so it really was a date night.  Next week she’s going to spend the weekend here as we have an Opera to attend. What fun.  She really is beautiful and such a good campanion. I  miss her when I go south but after a while Madigan and I get into our old bachelor routine.  We survive but I really feel the need for the sun and am anxious about getting pneumonia, despite it being called the old man’s friend.

I’m content for the first time in a long time it seems,  I really have a good life with so much to be grateful for.  God is good all the time. The salmon are having their spawning run now. I was able to take pictures with Madigan at the Brunette River.

I even had a pedicure yesterday after upgrading the Honda generator from 2000 to 3200.  My infuser had died and I have several oils so I bought a new one and have enjoyed the scent of Tantra  and the roasted coffee beans smell. I like the eucalyptus too. 

Just phoned Laura and had a lovely conversation so I’m back on track. Making another coffee and then I’ll make a sandwich and maybe walk Madigan. I’m reading the latest Reacher after months of reading scientific books and history and art and anthropology.  I’m glad for the simple Reacher. On tv I like Gibbs and McGee and Ducky and have enjoyed the relaxing routine of watching an NCIS episode before bed.  Routines.

I pray every day. I’m really blessed and thankful.  Thank you Jesus.