3 am, character defects, nightmares, Vespa, WW3

I awoke last night at 3 am also. This time it was a dream of an ex wife refusing to get medical help. I remember my first death. He’d refused to take the medicine doctors prescribed.  He lied.  He died.  She refused to get medical help and I had to live with her knowing i could treat her.  But it had nothing to do with the illness.  Just more passive aggressive stuff. 

“I can treat a hundred people at the office or I can treat you. I can’t do both.”  

Virginia Satir called it ‘crazy making’.

I specialized in addiction medicine because it was the worst of the insanities. Ultimate non compliance and non adherence to medical regimen.  There are always a thousand excuses and it’s always aggression with a smile. I really want to get better they say but I want you to do it not me. I want a teleportation machine. I want a magic pill.  Are your fucking legs broken I say.

The ‘helper’ tried to pressure me today to give drugs to the addict. I’m the bad guy.  The proxy war. The pharmacist got in on it He make money if I give in.  I have been back stabbed repaeatedly by the authorities who say do the right thing then cave themselves and scapegoat you.  Two faced sociopaths.  

I’m caught truggling with character defects.  

Anger - I’m furious to be in the same relationship crisis as divorces ago and realize I don’t have control.  It’s her and not me.  She doesn’t care. She’s the addict. She’s self centred.  She’s hostile and angry and afraid.  But I can’t go to work all day and come home to the I can’t see a doctor. You’re a doctor.  I never asked you to help.  No you just bled in the bed and shit in the bed and pissed in the bed.  

I was so thankful about heard.  They’re so pretty.  They can’t be bad.  Men are bad. Women are good. Men are victimizers.  Women are victim.  Don’t you love your mother.  You don’t even know if that’s your father. But the courts deny you DNA tests. There’s a law for the rich and the powerful and a law for you.

I’m powerless

I listened to a friend talk about not being in control and how that usd to cause hr to drink.  

I was future zooming to.  Fear.  Living out scenario’s in my mind. 3 am.  A nightmare of an old marriage.  I can’t be your doctor. She had addiction,  Cocaine addiction.  I liked that about her when I met her.  

She was a princess and I liked being a shiny knight,

The children didn’t come and she took to wearing diapers in the house and talking with the baby voice.  She didn’t want children just for me to be her sugar daddy.

I woke at 3 am and felt trapped. The panic. The inability to breath. The feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack and letting it go because it’s not now. It’s then. The past is triggered and I’m just insane. I crawled out of the abyss.  I paid a lot for these late days of peace.  

Character defects.  

Envy - the affectations on face book. I am happy for them. I see them doing things I did before the age of selfies.  I remember the trips and journeys and rewards.  But that was then and this is now.   I had my time in the sun and now I’m really having a good time except for my mind which compares my insides wit their outsides.  I’m really thankful for my life. It’s a good life. I’m blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  I’ have so much.  I look though at the one thing I don’t have and forget about all I do. It’s the cognitive distortion of the one drop of ink in the glass of wart. It’s 3 am and I’m woken by a nightmare of a time in a marriage when she wanted me to rescue her from herself and said she really didn’t want my help but lay there bleeding.  I sent her off to a treatment centre but she didn’t arrive.  Denial.  I did the whole thing but they couldn’t help me help her and they thought they were so good.  I’m not the problem.  I’m not in control. I can’t control. 

I walk away.  At 3 am I wanted to leave. I wanted to take any one of my escape pods and flee. Cappadocia. Meteora.  The wilderness. The sea. I’ve studied them all.  I must let go and let God.

There are no children.  There’s a dog.  I have freedom and no real obligation.

Iran has attacked Israel.  Israel is prepared to attack.  Russia has moved forward in Ukraine.  Iran is the ally of China.  Nuclear war.  War and rumors of war.

The American election is weeks off.  There’s so much corruption and lies and communism and sharia.  Hundreds of Christian churches have been burned to the ground but no mosques or temples or synagogues.  

Character defects

Self pity - poor me 

I struggle to maintain an ‘attitude of gratidude’ but there’s this curse in my mind which takes me down.  I spiral.  Looking at the negative. Adding them and piling them and soon a litany of horror, the weight of the world

I’m powerless.  I’m not in control. 

Live and let live.  

She wanted her cocaine.  She wanted her addiction.  She wanted her mausoleum.

I wanted freedom. I always vote freedom.  Scots war have where Wallace lead.  Down with tyranny.  I’ll not be a slave.  My mother and father had my brother. My mother wanted a daughter.  She had me.  My dad had his son. I was the sensitive one.  

Today I want to write. I want to drink coffee in cafes and face the mysteries. I’ve been the manly man. I’ve done the heavy lifting. I’ve faced the tyranny and saved countess lives. But there’s no appreciation in home. Even Jesus wasn’t blessed at home. Taken for granted. Poor me.  My father My father why hasn’t thou forsaken me

And we all go to heaven when the curtain closes

I’ m reading obituaries.  Friends are disappearing.

Character defects

Lust

I was a celibate monk when I was young.  I was a nun in marriage months at a time when they would be depressed arguing with their mothers and I’d be left out in the dark. No children. Just a lone.  I needed four wives or a new religion.  She wan’t there for sex and yet if I had sex outside the sexless marriage I would lose all.  We become sexually immune. The Eunuch’s of Canada. All the married men who are ‘rationed’.  The Feminist love the Moslems and hate the Christians. Maybe if there were children it would make sense.  Sacrifice for family and children. But she’s taken jobs and competing and demanding to be treated like a princess but won’t be a queen. I don’t want to return to celibacy in old age but she’s had it with intimacy and sex.  She never really cared for it.  Wanted a bad boy. They go with the bad boys and destroy .  They hate us good boys.  They say otherwise but at the end of the day Jesus died on the crosss. The women weep. The men die.  Now there’s war in the Middle East. What ‘s new.  

Character defects 

Sloth

I’m so tired at times. I never knew such fatigue.  The chronic pain wears me down. The chronic uncertainty of knife stabbing pain. A sneeze , a sudden move, sitting too long.  A fear of death. A focus on dying A denia.  Sloth.  All is not. I’m comfortable on the couch. . I understand those who don’t get out of bed. More and more they cone to me.  Depression.  I walk the dog The dog is my saviour.  My bladder gets me up.  I’m uplifted by a need to pee.

I love late night peanut butter sandwich’s.  The nights between delivering babies or surgery.  The days and nights without sleep.  Nodding off standing.  

I suffer sloth

Character  defects

Gluttony. - the sins are the character defects. The rocks we hold onto.  I’m avoid metabolic failure. The inflammation is a product of the sloth and gluttony. Fat. Diabetes II.  Pre diabetes. Inflammation.  

Depression

I’m alone. I’m powrrless. I could not levitate. I could not fly. I dreamed that when I flew crowds would run after me and pull me down.  I couldn’t get away.

There’s nowhere but death to escape too.  But Christians must live and serve.  I live and serve. My dog needs me.  I am of service. I have purpose. But I’m overwhelmed

Attitude of gratitude.

Gratitude lists,

Forget the nightmares and remember how much fun she was and all the good times in the past.  I ‘ve been remembering my mother’s grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup and milk for lunch.  I’d walk home and that would be waiting.  I loved feeling safe with Dad , ex RCAF, and rifle in the cabinet and the Cold War.  

I’m supposed to be writing a paper.  I’m almost finished the research and readings. I’ve some pages that need to be editted. I hoped to do that today. I have work calls to make and photocopying to do.  It’s all like moving in molasses.

God is good all of the time, Thank you Jesus. Thank you God for the heat and the roof and the warm and dry. Thank you for the dog and technology. Thank you for my new Vespa. Thank you for good dreams Thank you for adventures. Thank you for this life. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for all your blessings,  

Thank you