Despair and the Complaints Department of Life

Some moments I feel the loss within, an emptiness, a sudden sense of aloneness and alienation.  I forget that you are there.  I cry. I fill with self pity and narcissism. I am a child of God. I know this. Yet the struggle, to get up, get dressed, move forward, start another day, go to work,  meet stranger, hear the pain and horror of their day and life, to suffer with them, and hope to offer relief. The despair is knowing their government, this kleptocracy is stealing their future and lives. I’m shocked by the poverty encroaching on people, the poverty not of starvation, but that poverty of ideas and third world mentality.  

I get distracted by the pictures of government elites partying endlessly while in the streets my patients are disheartened and suicidal.  I have fleeting thoughts of suicidal and try to bolster myself up to face another day of negativity. It was easier when I believed the PM and government were sane. Now I don’t know.  The policy of covid and lockdowns and the behavior of the PM has destroyed any faith I might have in those around him. He’s appalling, such an ignorant little arrogant hypocritical evil.  I must find it in me to accept him.

I’m also aging and feeling the end of life over the horizon. I never know if it’s time to retire and if it is then the plans requiring money need to be changed as so much cost is involved in ‘working life’.  Without work I can live cheaply. I have in expeditions and adventures. But now I work to resist retirement. I feel it’s giving up but I’m finding myself fragile The constant pain wears on me.  The recurring stupidity of government. The increasing burden of tax and waste.  It’s all demoralizing.  

My depression is lifted not working. I just don’t have that joy I had that lifted me up when I faced day and day out peoples whose beings grated like nails on a chalk board. I don’t wish to ‘argue’ with the suicidal and addicted. The government is killing wantonly and the doctors doing euthanasia are fat cat rich just lie the abortionsist and now the drug pushers. I weary of the administrative doctors standing as far away from patient as they can with lasers and snipers to shoot the front line workers in the back scapegoainting us for the destruction of the health care system.  Shortages everywhere and I don’t have time. I’m harried from morning to night and worry alway I’m missing something.

Then I sit alone and cry.  

Meanwhile I still compare and that’s the problem. I know the problems are mine. I have the problems with communication . I don’t live and let live. I rescue and people please and don’t love myself.  I don’t take the advise I give each day. I’m a child of God. I have Jesus as my friend but I fear the government these people who have never read Arendt or 1984.  They are among us.  Tinder has shown us who near us is doing what extraordinary sexual practice but where’s the political app to show me how many of my neighbors are Vichy Canadians. If I lived among those who voted for Trudeau I could move and be away from such perfidity.  

See how my mind goes back to that dirty filth. Intrusssive thoughts and obsession.

Here it’s a beautiful day. Sunshine and warmth. I’m due for a mini holiday 6 days off over the long weekend. I’m looking forward to driving in the ccountry .  Time with Laura and Madigan.  I’m missing my camper an we’ll stay in the lodge but I love the restaurant there and the days will be filled with exercise.  Stalking mostly.  Teaching Madigan the ways of the woods and wild. I’m not taking the quad just the truck and comfort.

I’ll make it. I’m winding down for a break.  

There’s a meeting tonight.  I’ll be reassured among friends. I don’t know where the time goes. I used to take courses at night and attend church more but now I’m just reading an watching some tv and sometimes just napping. I am glad for Madigan because I walk him frequently.  

Life is good but I don’t appreciate it enough.  I live in uncertainty. I must focus on patients and watching how I am infected by their despair. I must not let my own misgivings bring them down. I must be uplifting and caring.  I assure them they are not alone. But in withdrawal they want a ‘new’ drug, the Huey Lewis song. After decades of isolation and drinking they want a life. I can’t give them what a job gives. I can’t tell them they chose ‘disability’ and safety and now are being beat up by the very people who threw them the lifeline. The inflation of this government and the decisions of the leaders in their ‘one trick pony’ virtue signalling ‘ Covid wealth promotion schemes”. Like war is ‘ammunition and guns sales promotions’.  I am cynical.

God is good all of the time.  I believe in live and let live but this government is a tyranny and wants me to pay for their drama queen gabfest events.

And see there I go focusing on the negative.  So many patients so disappointed.  I will prescribe more antidepressants to help them through this. It’s like prescribing aspirin for a fever caused by the government torturers burning the souls of the tax payers feet.  The old are so collectively poor.  They are sad. I’m finding it hard to get moving and take my seat and serve as the complaints department for life.

Time to move. All shall be well. All shall be well. This too will pass.  God is good.  Life is good.